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I would say that this post is a letter to God, but I know ahead of time I will no doubt wander so far off track that God might suggest I first get my thoughts in order and quit roaming around so much before I begin speaking to Him.

Not REALLY a concern, I know.  God knows everything all of the time.  He has ALWAYS known everything, everything about everything from the beginning that had no beginning to the end that has no end.  (Pardon me for mentioning this, but here we all are sandwiched between “had” and “has.”)

No, I am not really worried that God will miss the point of whatever it is I wish to say in this early predawn of morning.  Up since two a.m.  Nothing new about that for me as I edge past age 60.  Nothing new about my noticing that not only is it darkest before the dawn but also COLDEST before the dawn.  Nothing new about me waiting waiting waiting to hear the first rooster’s crow before the light of the sun begins to think about warming this spot on earth.

But, I find myself more than waiting for today’s dawn now that I hear that first single rooster call and the last of the coyotes’ howls as they grab their final morsels of food for this nighttime.  I find myself thinking that if God were to grant me ONE personal wish — not a wish for peace on earth on this day when Iran is to tell the world exactly what they might be doing with their nuclear prowess — I know what I would wish for.

It’s not that my wish is unrelated to anything going on in my life.  I could possibly even track my thoughts of recent days to find out how this one personal wish I would ask of God THIS morning became a seed and sprouted into a thought to be written here.

What I would wish for…..

God, I wish for you to show me for TWO LONG FULL MINUTES — as you grant me during this same two minutes an immense and unusual ability to know the essence of all things around the globe  — the true state of the planet, the entire planet Earth — 500 years in the future.

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500 years in the future, God.  Just 500 years!  Please!

I want to know what becomes of us humans.  I want to know if we begin to fulfill the potential You have placed in each of us individually.  I want to know that there is hope our civilizations will come out far more than OK by 500 years into the future.

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I find myself thinking about riches, but the riches I would hope for our species on this planet have very little to do with material gain or material power.  The riches I hope for are of our soul — our impressive important soul.

There is a soul of our species.  Each person’s soul is a part of that soul.  As I think about my hopes for us 500 years in the future I find myself thinking primarily about the riches of EDUCATION.

I am not at all sure that we can ever be more than what we know.

I don’t know very much.

In the future, if education was one of humanity’s most PRIMARY goals, if we valued what we all know together — and then ACTED in unison toward making what we know manifest in the world — we would all be different.

We would be better.

We would all, in unison, make certain of that fact.

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These thoughts I am having and my desire to see 500 years into the future might seem oddly rooted and tied with an invisible umbilical cord to my thoughts about music.

I found myself outside in the cold darkness wondering if the universe of music is as big as anything that can ever be.  God and His Word.  I cannot imagine a Word without a sound.  Sound is music.

For some rather odd (to me right now) reason it seems at least in this American culture we define our reality as we share it together in terms of what we can SEE and TOUCH, what we can hold in our hands.  No doubt my wondering about defining reality in terms of what it SOUNDS like has a great deal to do with this project I am involved with to find musical performance opportunities for the 8-member drum group from Congo that is planning to show up in our little towns by the Mexican border (see recent posts) by the 8th of March.

Drums.  Big drums.  SOUND.  And, when SOUND becomes clear and powerful rhythm what do we have?

Life.

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In my little body, in my little life, I am stretching.  I am being educated.  Even if this drum group from Congo ends up in Hong Kong or India on the 8th of March (they flew off to Bangkok last Sunday) instead of this high desert tiny little world of ours, I have been changed during these days since new possibilities arrived in my consciousness last week.

I also think about all kinds of mundane things right now, of course.  I think about how I can’t quite see how I think I can venture to the women’s homeless shelter to sleep while I give these 8 drummers and their artistic director this house to be their own for the 5 or so nights they will be here.

I shudder, physically shudder at the thought of being locked into a building from such and such a time until such and such a time — when I sleep so little and get up in the darkness and roam around so much.  Roam around in my house, roam around outside of my house, sit at the keyboard with my fingers wandering around in a very tiny universe of 88 keys and their sound.

In the meantime while God deliberates my wish, what are the options here?  (Not a question unrelated to “What will the world be like in 500 years?”)

The best I have come up with so far before this day’s sun appears is that I will remain in this house in the smaller back room while the group is here.  This is a small house filled with the material things I seem to think I want around me.  My weaving loom and spinning wheel and all related attachments, all my art supplies, my sewing machine, bags of rags to crochet into rugs to give away to people far poorer than I am, all of my plants hiding inside from the winter so they can stay alive — where is there room for 10 people to sleep in here?

Bunk beds.  Don’t have any.  OK, idea:  Once the group arrives we simply move as much furniture (my very used second hand furniture) OUT of the house and INTO the yard.  Next step of THIS plan?  I suppose, it would be to make sure I borrow enough folding chairs from someone in town to seat all 10 of us should anyone ever wish to sit down.

And for sleeping?  Borrow sleeping bags.

True, an unusual plan but I am an unusual person.

Next thought?

My next thought is the only logical one I can come up with right now:  “Who in the universe knows?”

Answer is the same one it has always been for all of us, “God, from Whom all good humor flows, is the only One Who knows.”

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Perhaps I have been doing nothing during all the minutes of my life that have passed since I wrote my last post here but stirring up dust and chasing my own tail.  The jury is still out on that one, and might remain out for some time to come.  What I do know is that I have talked to more people in the area I live, made more phone calls, sent out more emails in this past week than I have in the entire 12+ years I have lived here.

What does all this mean?  What will happen?  What will become of my efforts to provide a place for this fantastic drum group from Congo to come to in our dusty high desert area (on the American-Mexican border line)?  I have as of this moment absolutely not one solitary solid clue!

What I do seem to know through my friend (as mentioned in previous post before this one) is that all eight members of this band have boarded a jet on the east coast at this moment and are about to lift into the air in flight to perform at a festival in Bangkok, Thailand.

They were mysteriously (mostly) sent coupons to redeem yesterday for their tickets.  The group was not sure that the tickets weren’t part of some scam.  Nope.  Yesterday was redemption day and sure enough there were the tickets and off they go into the wild blue yonder!

Meanwhile I am unsure about how to proceed toward arranging paying gigs for this group SHOULD they actually, really appear on my doorstep on Thursday, March 8th as PERHAPS planned!

How can anything be PERHAPS planned?

I don’t claim to know, but PERHAPS planning seems to be the human lot in life on this earth!

Nobody has any grant money here to pay this group.  Our area is poor and getting poorer.  Would anyone pay cover charges to see this group?  Buy tickets?  Give adequate donations at a performance in a park?

Where will 8 people from Congo stay?

If this PERHAPS plan moves forward into the future I will give the group my humble little house while I figure out where I will sleep elsewhere — wherever elsewhere turns up!

This entire venture appears to run on nothing but global love, high hopes, trust in one another (I have certainly never (yet) met these people!), and FAITH in God.

Can things go wrong!  Oh, glory glory could they go wrong.  But again, what exactly does WRONG mean?

Embarrassment and local humiliation for me, I suppose.  Hours invested in contacting people for venues.  Hours of expressed and hopefully shared hopes with others in my community.  All come to naught if the group changes course in mid air and lands elsewhere upon return than the near middle of nowhere — and instead lands where the lights are brighter and the bucks are bigger?

Do I give up?  I can’t wait until they (supposedly) re-land in America as PERHAPS planned on February 28th to make the connections here that would provide any hope of performance and pay for the group.  Time is extremely short as it is should they indeed appear here on the 8th.

Well, I imagine their tickets are at this moment of lift off targeted to re-land the group where PERHAPS planned come that date.  But what could happen from this moment forward is ONLY known by God – and none of the rest of us.

But isn’t that just plain LIFE??????

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8:30 am – word just in – ALL IS A GO!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi17S7Xb16A;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S3NOx0kcIg;
http://dance.wayne.edu/news.php?id=7251;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shZUdNOENGo,

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I am diving in, trying something I have never tried before.  Here are some related links to what has captivated my heart, my attention and currently all of my energy:

A fantastic group is coming to Tucson to perform for this big musical event in Old Tucson March 17th:

PLAYING FOR UNITY IN DIVERSITY! |

www.PlayingForUnityInDiversity.com

The One World Music Festival is aimed at promoting the unity of cultures, races, and religions. In doing so, we encourage communities to come together to express themselves in a celebration of music and arts.

The link for the Kongo drum group, Ngoma Za Kongo  The French/English speaking group is in America on a Tourist Visa from the Congo to tour for one year:

http://www.playingforunityindiversity.com/artists/ngoma-za-kongo
There is a video on the side at this link of their performance with the whole 16-member group, but there are 8 of them coming here.

Here are more links to their videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi17S7Xb16A;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S3NOx0kcIg;
http://dance.wayne.edu/news.php?id=7251;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shZUdNOENGo,

The Artistic Director has informed me the group is willing to come 90 miles south of Tucson to our small town of 5,500 from Thursday, March 8th to Wednesday, March 14th.  Where to house them?  I have no clue.  Where will they perform?  Don’t know.  I am hard at work on this……

I have spent this entire day trying to find out where the group might be able to perform here and who will PAY them.  The public schools would love to have them perform for students — which is my heart’s desire.  But the schools have no money with the exception of the very small school in the town of 700 I live in.  They have $200.  Each performance at a school costs $650.

How to raise the money in this totally strapped area?

The group will also do drumming workshops.  They dropped their fee from $15 to $10 per person for our town – very generous!

I am checking on all avenues for public performances here, as well – but the group would like to have $1,200 for each.  That seems like a million to me right now!

I can only do my best.  I am learning a lot – and meeting a lot of very enthusiastic people around town during this process!

Time will tell how this all works out.  I really have no idea how to do any of this – so I just jumped in to do my best.  I will let you know how this all comes about – which I hope it can and will!

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It’s a rare occurrence for me to pick up a book and read it, but one of my sisters has not only highly recommended this one, but has sent me a copy —

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Pardon the paragraph spacings – wordpress seems not to be able to maintain them correctly this morning!  Nothing that a little * or two won’t fix!

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Age 60 now and I’ve got this to say

I feel a rock song coming – am writing down the tune

(There’s a classical song forming in the wings…)

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I was a dancer — Damn it
In nineteen sixty nine
I was a dancer — Damn it
I danced alone ‘til closin’ time

I was a dancer — Damn it

And then the years went rolling by
I got so old
I couldn’t remember why
I used to dance so bold

Because I CAN, MAN!
I got the dancin’ down inside
Because I CAN, MAN!
It’s a truth I will not hide

‘Cause I am a dancer — Damn it
No time passin’ will make me stale
I am a dancer — Damn it
When I hear those axes wail

So move aside
And let me glide
I’m gonna step and sway and slide
‘Cause I am a dancer — Damn it
I got the rhythm
I got the beat
I am a dancer — Damn it
I was born with dancin’ feet

I am a dancer — Damn it
I gotta a style that’s only mine

I am a dancer — Damn it
I’ll make this dance floor shine
I am a dancer — Damn it
And I’ll dance ‘til closin’ time.

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Everyone’s life is a journey, both in this world and in all the world’s God has created for eternity – or so do I believe.  Yet even if a person’s belief is that this time around is the ONLY time around, I can’t think of a better thing to do that to always try to stay on the side of our own healing, the healing of everyone else, and the healing of our planet.

Healing is growth.  Growth is healing.  To me, these two words are really identical in their meaning, progress and desired results!

Given that severe trauma, including severe trauma through abuse in infancy and childhood, happens within environments that are cut off from the power of love, growth and healing — it becomes survivors to find ways to establish healthy connections.  Trauma environments are cut off from ‘safe and secure attachments’ not only to self, to other family members, but also to quality happy and healthy relationships with people outside of the family and individual.

I am at a new level in my own growth in terms of finding what kinds of connections work for me!

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In my last post, +LINK TO TIME MAGAZINE’S GREAT ARTICLE ON INTROVERTS, I mentioned my thought about being a person who is naturally on the side of introversion might not be a person who would be prone to abuse anyone.

Here are three posts on this blog that present some thoughts about what Dr. McEwen calls “The Dove” and “The Hawk” natures of people on the extreme ends of a continuum of personality/trait types.  I wonder about these things especially at times when I feel like PREY – compared to PREDATOR.

How are my natural inclinations as an introvert tied to my anxieties and fears of social connectedness — especially with — OH NO!  All those extroverts ‘out there’?  (Remember, my severely abusive mother was an extrovert, and my severely introverted father was her perfect enabler!)

What is the balance?

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Before I continue, here are some links to related info:

*Allostasis and Allostatic Load

+ARE YOU A ‘SENSITIVE?’  April 8, 2010

 +TRAUMA SURVIVORS: OUR TENSILE STRENGTH  October 3, 2011

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Study Sheds Light on What Makes People Shy – LiveScience Staff – Date: 06 April 2010

And as mentioned in blog post above:  Upside of being an introvert

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Regular blog readers know that a few weeks ago I posted about my decision to try to find some kind of local outside healing assistance that I could work on my very small budget to afford.  I contacted a massage therapist in a town 30 miles away, and was ‘stood up’ for the initial telephone call that was arranged.

I was very disappointed.  It took a lot of courage for me to make this decision.  It involved a risk.  It involved my complex trust ‘issues’.  Stood up?  An absolute NO GO in THAT direction.

Then I became inspired to search out another option — found one right here in my area — have attended sessions twice now — and am immensely pleased!

See:  here’s Nick

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Nick-Night-Warm-Hands-Therapeutics/18282758795

his webpage

http://www.warmhandsonline.com/

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One of the MAJOR healing concerns and difficulties I have faced for well over 40 years is my cigarette smoking and my IMMENSE difficulty in quitting.

Yesterday as I mentioned this to Nick he responded that a woman was about to enter the lobby room door who is highly skilled in working this my ‘issue’.  Sure enough, she appeared —

See:  here’s Sylvia the hypnosis lady

http://www.sylviavega.com/
I am planning to join her upcoming group which starts in town here  6:30 pm, Tuesday, Feb. 23rd, and runs every 2 weeks for $20 per group – 9 groups (or $150 for all 9 groups!)

Cool!  Wow!

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I am feeling better.  Readers of this blog have also followed me these past weeks and months through a pretty heavy duty depression crash.  I really believe, and am extremely hopeful and grateful, that I am emerging.

But I am different.  In some ways healing/growth is, to me, always about a kind of re-creation — being made anew – healthier and happier!

I greatly believe in prayer as the most important tool we have as a resource.  No matter what a person believes about God — there is only ONE GOD — the Creator of all life and a Great Mystery that none of us will ever fully be able to understand.

God loves us!  I have heard that phrase a billion times in my life.  Why it is finally ONLY now at my age 60 that I am beginning to unthaw my resistance to BELIEVING these simple words — I do not know.

But in any case, every day I do my best to accomplish my 45 minute walk.  I have a house that is open all the way through, so I walk inside along this loop with Pandora music to pep my step.

I started months ago to devoting my mental efforts as best I can during this 45 minutes to exercising my heart/soul, as well.  Here are the four prayers that I use.  When my thoughts begin to take back over my mind, I turn myself gently into the direction of the healing winds of these prayers.  And I believe these new COMMUNITY connected healing steps I am being guided to take now – as I am becoming WILLING to take them — are God’s response to my walking prayers.

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The Lord’s Prayer, the only prayer left recorded from Jesus Christ, would be a wonderful prayer to use as a walking prayer.

There are all kinds of prayers, from every religious and spiritual way of being in the world that can be used to focus the mind and heart – to exercise the soul and the same time as the body is getting its exercise!

These are the ones I am using – and I am so grateful for God’s mercy and grace!  None of us would be here, nothing would have been created, and certainly nothing good would happen if God did not exist – however we each experience that connection to reality!!

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In the booklet “Poor in all Save God” (page 28, printed in the US) it is suggested that the following two phrases by Bahá’u’lláh are said 19 times each day:

” He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice him.   He who fears God, God will send him relief.”

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“Is there any Remover of difficulties save God? Say: Praised be God! He is God! All are His servants and all abide by His bidding!”

From:  Selections From the Writings of the Bab, Page 217

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“O God, my God! Look not upon my hopes and my doings, nay rather look upon Thy will that hath encompassed the heavens and the earth. By Thy Most Great Name, O Thou Lord of all nations! I have desired only what Thou didst desire, and love only what Thou dost love.”

From:  Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u’llah, Pages 317-323: 318

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“Thy name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come. Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.” – by Baha’u’llah

From:  Baha’i Prayers: A Selection of Prayers Revealed by Baha’u’llah, the Bab, and `Abdu’l-Baha, Page 87

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There is a very interesting article in the most recent issue of TIME magazine about the 30% of our population that fits into the descriptive personality category of INTROVERTED.  The article presents the UP side of this tendency to be a quiet, thoughtful, considering kind of person.  It also presents a picture of the difficulties a natural introvert experiences trying to get along in a brazen, hyper dominant-society powerfully biased toward EXTROVERSION.

Upside of being an introvert  

Published: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 Publication: Time

By: Bryan Walsh

Click here for source of the original article.

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I would say that my father tended very strongly toward introversion, my mother toward extroversion.  I wondered as I read the article if parents who tend toward extroversion might be more prone to act out violence and aggression toward their children than an introverted parent would.

There is a whole side of this issue that is involved with actual biochemical balances in a person’s body/brain.  I’ve read some of that research, but I am not going to go hunt for it right now.

The topic is very interesting and I highly recommend a read of this article!  There is even a little quiz presented in the article that can help determine which side of the pendulum swing you might be on yourself.

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I am still very much ‘at it’ with my own version of music therapy!  I LOVE IT!  I have discovered I evidently have a gift from God with the song writing I certainly never knew I had.  Within the first month of lessons on keyboard last fall a wonderful sweet waltz melody appeared to me (November 18, 2011 to be exact!)  Today the words came that go to the melody:

“When Spirits Lift”

If you feel alone —- think of earth, our home — circled with sharing and caring

The sunshine and rain — the joy and the pain — always come and go so we’ll know

The circle of life — its pleasure and strife — gives lessons to teach us to reach

Way down deep inside — where our truth resides — we have gifts to share shining there.

When we do our best – through every test — our joy lasts longer.  We’re stronger!

So don’t feel bereft. — Let your spirit lift. — Together we smile!  Life’s worthwhile!

I wrote lyrics and music all down for this one today.  Yesterday I did the same for another one called “The Midnight Prayer.”  I am accumulating various musicians to send copies of the music to with hopes that they or someone they know can play/perform/share and enjoy these songs!

As I write songs I am increasingly learning how to PLAY what I hear and write!  I am making gigantic strides as it was only less than 2 months ago I could barely tolerate the sounds of the keyboard itself!

I found an old cassette tape recorder to take in the car with me when I am driving — which is often when entire melodies float through the air, it seems, so I hear them clearly and can sing them — but only until I arrive at some destination, am distracted — and the songs are gone.

I am convinced melodies ALWAYS float in the air around us — God’s gifts.  I believe if I am not the one to catch, capture and write and play them — then someone else will.  The songs float around like beautiful scents in the air that waft along in a breeze, pass us, and then are gone.

Recorder idea all fine and good – but today I forgot the recorder at home when I drove to town.  Sure enough a melody appeared and what was I going to do to capture it?  I still don’t have a musical memory that allows me to carry these songs around until I get to the keyboard.

In a panic I realized my only option was to telephone my daughter who fortunately did not answer her call so I could record the rough draft/sketch of the melody on her voice mail.  I haven’t spoken with her tonight so don’t know what she thought of that!  She is a singer, so she can hopefully just sing what she can hear of my rough draft back to me!

I am fairly certain I know who the song belongs to.  I want to complete it – I am confident the lyrics will arrive once I have the notes down — and gift this woman with this song.  Lyrics started coming while I was in town today.  I wrote the first of them down and then asked the song to WAIT!

“We walk upon this earth so softly wind can’t hear us pass by.”

There is much joy for me in this process!  Much joy and healing.  I am extremely grateful and DO NOT take this gift I have discovered for granted!

LEAVE COMMENTS HERE!

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I am reposting a few predawn gentle thoughts from a comment I left on my friend, Monica’s great blog —  Daughters of Borderline Moms  — just now:

Good morning Gingercat, Monica and Ladies! I am up way before the sun, but at least it was 4:30 not 2:30 – being grateful for the small things as well as the big ones — !!

Something came to memory, G as I read your words. I had a therapist one time describe healing work in terms of a beautiful lacy doily. She said the beauty in the doily comes from both the tightly crocheted areas and the open loose ones combined together. She said that’s like the hard-work tough times for us and then we have the open ‘resting’ spots. I’ve never forgotten that image!!

This also reminds me of my middle daughter (who is expecting her 2nd Aug 5th and who is turning 36 in June). When she was 3 weeks old and I was breastfeeding her sitting on our old wool couch that had a large lace doily spread along the back of it. I raised the baby up to my shoulder to pat her back to burp her. As I turned my head to see her little face behind me I saw her tiny finger was reached out and was tracing the patterns of the lace!

Both of these are lovely images for me. I would not be thinking of them right now if you hadn’t commented here – thanks!

And BOY did my Mother not do friendships!! So, of course, neither did Father, neither did our family. Mother made sure we moved from suburbian Los Angeles to Alaska when I was almost 6 – and then off to a mountain homesteading adventure we went. Isolation, continual moving mayhem and madness – such trauma drama!!

Yep, you are 22 years younger than I am and still nobody evidently knew what was going on in your home – really – any more than they did in mine. But you are also HERE 22 years earlier than I am! WONDERFUL!!! Lots of reason for BIG HOPE — and for times of gentle rest for yourself as well as for work in between. We are birthing ourselves!

Oh, and one more idea — if you can find one memory of yourself as a little person – looking at the younger end of you childhood — and then VISIT that memory as if you are visiting your most favorite place, your most favorite person in the universe. Not aggressively, but gently — and repeatedly. Write the memory, draw the memory, make up a little song and sing the memory. Tell someone the memory if that is comfortable. And each time listen for your voice in the center of the memory. Search for your eyes, to see yourself.

Don’t force, don’t push, don’t rush. It’s kind of like waiting quietly in the wilderness for a beautiful wild creature to show itself to you. It’s like ‘self whispering’!!!

I personally believe when our early life is so troubled and traumatic, so chaotic, that it very much is like a terrible storm. Always in crisis. Always unsafe and confused, and worse. We end up leaving the beauty that WAS there because WE were there, behind us. I most appreciate that in my work I have been able to clear a pathway through the terrible rubble so I could find perfect ME in there SHINING!

Anyway, have a blessed and happy gentle day!!!!! Linda – alchemynow

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It strikes me that these cancer-cell words are not one bit ORIGINAL!  I bet if we all just dump those words that we have all had someone dump on us into the comment section of this post we will all begin to see the ones WE received repeated in the ones that OTHER PEOPLE received – mostly in childhood.

Don’t want ’em?  DUMP THEM IN COMMENT SECTION HERE!  (you can change your name to anything you wish if you want to post anonymously!)

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If you hear the words in your mind, chances are 99.9% certain that at one time or another you heard someone say them to you.  List ’em!  Come back again when you think of more and add ’em!

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