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A Shaman Daughter

Second Thought

Thursday, January 31, 2008

It is hard, if not impossible, for me to believe in things I cannot see – or perceive by my senses.  I am wondering how that ties in with the attachment disorder.

It makes it hard for me to believe in the future, or to believe people care about me .  In the DVD about the geno project they talk about when humans began to track BELIEVING there was game at the end of a trail they could in some way see.  They had FAITH that there was game ahead, and this knowledge tied to belief allowed Homo Sapien Sapiens to move out of Africa.  Is this the wisdom that we supposedly have, we wise ones?  Then if we don’t have this ability to believe, then are we defective members of our species, though not through fault of our DNA but due to malformation of our brains?

Today, for perhaps the first time in my life, my will is stronger than my body.  Chemo knocked even my will out of the picture.  I cannot today force my body.  I am home.  These 11 hour days of work and appointments have done it to me.  I didn’t even really rest after surgery, and that was done right after chemo.  I am worn out.

Will and desire mean nothing when the body is worn out.

Because I am not in a nurturing relationship, I have nobody to borrow some life force from.

I just cancelled radiation consultation appointments.  I don’t have it in me.  Maybe this is an accumulation of being alone, doing for myself and my children.  As Tomkins would say, I have an energy deficit.  Nobody to cook a meal for me or help with laundry, all the ways people share their life force.  Everyone who has come down here to help me has shared theirs, and I am so grateful.  But there is no reserve.

Part of the problem is my integrity which keeps me from calling on someone say like Leo.  I would, literally, rather die than to compromise myself or my heart.

So then we are left with the little engine that could, I think I can I think I can I think I can.  And do it.

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Saturday, February 02, 2008

Perhaps I am gaining a new sort of wisdom, that this aloneness I feel is not so much about missing this man, but mostly about missing my tribe.  For the past 50,000 years humans evolved and survived as tribal people.  That fact has to be deeply programmed into our DNA along with the reality that humans took the best care of their infants because they were our most prized and valued assets.   My experience was a primary fundamental deviation.  And then add to that the reality that I have lost my tribe and I miss them terribly.

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Sunday, February 03, 2008

I think a person has to have some ability to care about themselves to care about anyone else.  Keith gave the $750 for the sleeves.

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My sense of dignity is connected to my energy level.  I am trying to get my dignity back.  Maybe cancer depletes that sense.  Cancer – the immortal cells that kill us.  My errant DNA.

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*Age 57 – Dec. 2007 – July 2008 – (A Shaman Daughter Pages)

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