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Tuesday, January 24, 2017.  There is no way for me to write this post other than to plow through it.  Certainly when I began to write for this blog years ago I would have thought – and then would have had no qualms about posting – that DISCOVERY is a positive process.

Yes.  I can be hard.  But today I would wonder, “Are there times and circumstances when discovery as it applies to one’s self is impossible?”

What would I mean by impossible?  Dangerous to self?  What would I mean by dangerous, then?

Answer that comes to me as my fingers work this keyboard = “Without support.”  Or to be more refining about this, “Without meaningful ADEQUATE support.”

Next, then, I see a mental image of an unsuspected minefield one might step into….  Or an unsuspected, unseen cliff one might take one step over and….

Yeah.  Obtuse.

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Personally I think humanity is in an unsuspected Dark Ages, no matter how suave and sophisticated some segments of our global society might think that they are.  We have NO IDEA who we really are as a species.  There is a progressive-knowledge cusp we are aimed for.  One way or another we will get there – all together – in a future that certainly I, as a 65-year-old member of the infamous Baby Boomers generation cannot begin to envision.

All I can manage is my HOPE for our glorious future, for our informed future.  When we collectively understand that we are half human-animal and half human-spirit only THEN will our true potential wake up – move into motion – and change the world into the paradise it is destined to become.

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Meanwhile?

It really is “all too much.”  There is no direction a person can look without witnessing – yes, goodness and hope for our future – but also shifting sands blown around with enough force to obscure what we THINK we know about just about everything as global status quo — disappears into – what?

Obscurity?

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Meanwhile, myself being but one speck of sand, I stand here at my computer gazing toward the northern snow covered mountains kissing the clouds, rock solid against ephemeral motion and change, getting ready to write words here about something so important to my personal history – past present and undoubtedly future – that it takes a force of great will for me to let them appear here.

As if – if I do NOT concretize these words they do not exist.  Well, that’s obvious.  True for all words, spoken, written – thought about?

Autism.  Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).  Me.  You?

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So, I MUST write a warning here to any of this blog’s readers who have suffered the horrors of severe early abuse and trauma – ESPECIALLY if you know the abuse and neglect existed from the earliest moments of your life.

Be EXTREMELY CAREFUL of yourself if you choose to, decide to, take a read/look into this bestselling book:

Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman and Oliver Sacks

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There have been postings on this blog about “adult Reactive Attachment Disorder,” a diagnostic category that is certainly under great debate.  There is information ‘out there’ about how early attachment trauma can create such developmental changes to physiological development (including gene expression) that aspects that LOOK like and SEEM like autism can manifest.

So?

Having jumped unguided and unsuspectingly into the text of Silverman’s book I have been hit – hard – with the strong possibility that I was BORN either on the “autism spectrum” or so close to it that it is only due to the current lack of human knowledge about neurodiversity that I cannot wade through the turbulence of lack-of-truth about these conditions to discover this (to me) very strange truth about myself.

Or many others….

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I HATE to stir waters, make a splash, upset apple carts – mine or anyone else’s.  I do know that since I opened the covers of this book (which I have since passed on to someone in the community working professionally “in the field”) I no longer have the same inner cosmology that I have always had up to this point.

NOTHING about myself in my life, as far back as I know and can remember, is ‘reading’ the same as before.  There is an entirely different lens/filter in place now.  And NOTHING about this current process is comfortable or easy – or the same.

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My guess is that those living in rural places have very little or no access to professional help with this ‘situation.’  The information is too new, and the true knowledge about it still lies somewhere in the pitch blackness.

Right now, more than this I cannot say,  except BE VERY CAREFUL of yourself around this book!

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disorders, adult reactive attachment disorder, anxiety disorders,borderline mother, borderline personality disorder, brain development, child abuse,depression,derealization, disorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorder, empathy, infant abuse, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factors, PTSD, resiliency, resiliency factors, risk factors, shame