Astrology report November 25, 2009 – in answer to my questions about not wanting to be in this world

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One of Freud’s theories was that humans have two basic drives.  One, the urge for life, he called Eros.  The other was the urge for death, which was later called Thanatos.  The idea was that all people have both drives at all times, although to varying degrees.

While I don’t agree with a lot of Freud’s writings, in this one point I’m in complete agreement, and there is astrology to back it up.  The chart is full of both.

The central principle of Eros is the spark of life.  In Spring, one sees it bursting through the ground in a new seedling;  shattering of an eggshell by the point of a bird’s beak. Astrologically, it is the Aries/Mars principle.

You can follow the signs after that….Taurus spurs the new life, strengthens it, builds;  Gemini is the spreading out of new leaves in the case of the new plant, the beginnings of feathers on the new bird.  We could keep going, but I think you get the idea.

But there is a time when life prepares for winter.  Libra is the culmination of growth for the year, and as it winds down and Scorpio begins, Thanatos grows in strength. Leaves die, fall from the trees, some changing into beautiful color patterns, but in the end, they die as leaves. Some species of insect live only one year, and the adults die out completely at this time. Death is the end of something as it is, but something comes from the death.  For example, we know leaves turn into mulch which eventually provides protection to the trees roots, and nutrients for the tree to use next spring. Thanatos is the Scorpio/Mars/Pluto principle.

Interesting how Mars is part of both Eros and Thanatos, isn’t it?

All the while that death begins to show itself all around us during Scorpio, the life force itself doesn’t cease to exist, only to come into existence again in the Spring.  So what happens to it?

It changes form, the energy turning in upon itself, until it becomes just the spark. And somehow, this very act stirs the universe into searching for reasons to keep the spark alive, and ways to do so.  This search is during Sagittarius, guided by Jupiter.

And then, it is up to Capricorn, and Saturn, to do everything necessary to protect the spark, keep it alive.  You don’t read a lot about this side of Capricorn/Saturn, but it is the most important function of that energy. To make sure that nothing destroys the spark is the prime motivation.  So you have the urge to build walls to protect from the wind; the urge for a roof to protect from the snow;  the urge to stock up food, water to last the winter; and even the urge to make use of that which has died in order to protect that which still lives.

To want to live, yet be not afraid of death because it is oh, so necessary, is the most balanced expression of these principles.  Mars is not only at home in the spring in Aries, and at home in the autumn in Scorpio, but exalted in the winter sign of Capricorn, meaning Capricorn channels the Mars energy, protecting it from dissipating, so it can keep going. It is the whole, healed person who finds value in both sides of Mars, and looks to experience the most from both.

But for most people, there is an overemphasis in one side of Mars, and the other suffers. And when one side of Mars is so emphasized that the other is scarcely heard, it is almost always because of problems with the planets Jupiter and Saturn in one’s chart.

In your chart, you have a very strong Saturn. First, it is exalted in Libra, so you have a very strong awareness of limitations, walls, and restrictions. In of itself, it’s a good place to have this body.

But

Your Saturn is right on the Ascendant. The Ascendant is like one’s own personal spark of life.  If you read ancient texts, they saw this point as having a close relationship with Aries, and this is no less true now.  The Ascendant…first house….that’s the first steps you take in any new situation, and the first impression others have of you. This should be a flowing energy, like the bursting forth of the seedling in Spring….but your Saturn sits right there.
It’s pretty much a wet blanket. It colors your world full of ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’t’s’, making it very difficult for you to feel free to move forward. Imagine that seedling in the Spring, for a moment, if it found itself bursting through the soil only to find a very tiny hole in a large pile of rocks….it would grow, but would have to follow the structure set by the rocks rather than growing big and strong….and it would also have less light upon it.  To make a long story short, your Saturn (and Saturn comes from the authority symbols around us when we are growing up) has made it very difficult for you to experience the full joy of life on your own.  Somehow, your parents or other authority figures put so much weight on you that your ability to experience the full flush of Eros has been stunted. And with the Ascendant/Saturn in Libra, it feels like it is only ok for you to allow yourself to feel alive if you are with a partner who you feel as truly your other half.

And to add to that, your Saturn squares your 4th house cusp……it’s own house, since you have Capricorn there. The fourth is the home, and roots, but it is also represents the end of life, the end of one’s days.  With the ruler of the 4th squaring the fourth, you cannot clearly see either your own Saturn, or the fourth house, giving you a blindspot.  I’ll go back to that in a moment.

Remember that Capricorn is the keeper of the spark.  That’s its prime job. But in your case, Saturn is so strong that it has lost sight of this task, and has become an internal dictator, keeping you from even seeing that there is a spark worth keeping. The shoulds and shouldn’ts dominate. Saturn colors your world, and on your own you don’t feel able to see through it’s grey glass.

And then, the square to the 4th shows that this ‘dictator’ within you is keeping you from seeing the potential deep within you that you can build a future on.  Rather, it dictates to you that the future is basically only the tying up of ends, and bringing things to an end.

Jupiter should give some balance. You have Jupiter, which is the search for meaning….and as mentioned above, the search for how and why to keep the life force alive, in the seventh house.  In of itself, this shows that other people are the key for you to find a meaning in life.  It is through devoting your energy to interacting with others that you will find the Eros side of Mars.  This would be great, and go a long way to balancing out that super heavy Saturn, except that you have Jupiter in opposition to Neptune in the first house…..and unfortunately, whatever Neptune opposes often loses touch with reality.

 

Neptune is a great planet, don’t get me wrong, but in opposition it creates illusions and delusions, making it difficult for a person to see clearly.
In other words, Neptune can make it extremely difficult for you to get any kind of handle on the Eros principle, and since the opposition is between 1st and 7th, can make it difficult for you to see anything positive worth focusing on unless it is connected to a partner of some kind.

So your Saturn is very clear, leaving you no doubts, giving you a view of life that is colorless, and a perception of your future as just being the end of life.  You have had moments when you felt alive, but they were basically when you were in a relationship, and because of Neptune, it has been difficult for you to find a relationship that is realistic.

And then, to make matters more difficult, Uranus makes a T-square out of that opposition.  An opposition in itself is a struggle, showing in your case a battle between the search for meaning, and the illusions about the world you are in.  It would make relationships complex, even if you found a lasting one.
But Uranus does not allow anything to remain as it is, which means it’s always trying to shake things up.  Your relationship with Ernie gave you a lot, and you found meaning in it, but it was also full of illusions and fantasy, and Uranus could not allow this to continue.

The empty part of your t-square is, of course, in your fourth house.  The same house mentioned earlier when it comes to Saturn square the cusp.  This shows that the key to both resolving your Saturn issues, and also resolving your T-square, will come from that area, the house of home, and the house of the end of life.

But this feeling that you want to put an end to this life, that you don’t belong here, is tied to the Neptunian illusions, and the overwhelming influence of Saturn blocking your vision from seeing the Eros side of life.

I understand the tendency to want to see a strong 12th house as being ‘not of this plane’, but to tell you the truth, it doesn’t mean that really.  It means that you can see behind the veil that is blocking the eyes of others, and that you are at your best when you are exploring places others do not go. That is why so many researchers have a strong 12th house, as well as so many people who work with the sick, the wounded, the troubled.  Keep this in the back of your mind for a bit as we continue.

The key to ANY Neptune problem is to find something larger than the self.  Think about people like Jerry Lewis who found his greatest happiness, not in being a comedian, but in devoting hours and hours of his life to help children who could not help themselves because of diseases like Muscular Dystrophy. He found something larger than himself.

Neptune opposition Jupiter between the first and seventh houses can only be resolved by finding something bigger than yourself that helps other people in some way.  What you need is something that so involves you in helping others that you rise above the limits being set by your Saturn. The T-square to Uranus shows that it needs to be something that you can do because of your own unique abilities.  And the missing point of the T-square in Capricorn shows that you will need to be doing something that feels so ‘right’, that it leaves you no doubt about it whatsoever.

Before I go any further, let me just say that the feeling that you want to ‘go home’ meaning leave this life…..that’s illusion, because you have not found something bigger than yourself yet to focus on. But trust me, once you find something to devote yourself to, you will feel AT HOME doing it.

I mentioned Mars several times at the beginning, and it is important that you look at your own Mars. It’s in Leo…..which means a lot of things, but especially that when you are fired up about something, you can fire up other people as well.  If you can get enthused about something, it is contagious.
Your Eros….your greatest joy in life…..would come from stirring the passions in other people, or at the very least, getting others to want to feel as passionate as you do. In other words, the more passion you experience, the more you can stir the passions in others, which in turn fires up your own passions all the more.  You have the Moon in Leo, which shows that you need to have an impact on others…you need to feel that others are responding to you.

But with that strong Neptune…..you are never going to find the passion, UNLESS it is (and I repeat), it is focusing on something larger than self, and in some way helping others.

You don’t need anti-depressants.  You need a purpose.

I know Neptune well…I also have it opposition Jupiter, although the houses are the reverse of yours….and it rules my Pisces Ascendant. I know it can give a desire to cease to exist in this world…..but that is only a delusion based upon a Neptune that hasn’t found it’s place in your life yet.

If you had unlimited funds, I would suggest we relocate your chart somewhere to amplify some of the more positive parts of your chart, and lessen Saturn and Neptune.

But aside from that, you need to find something to get so involved in that you lose awareness of the shoulds and shouldn’ts of that Saturn, because with the chart you have, if you are truly focusing on helping others, there is very little you couldn’t do.

Your chart has some really deep wounds.  You were hurt really bad growing up.  And these wounds have kept you from experiencing the joy of life.

But inside everyone there is a little child. You need to get in touch with yours, and show her love, and keep telling her “you are ok!  you are loved! you are a good person!’, even if you have to do so a thousand times a day for a year.  She never really felt it was ok to be herself…..and as a result, you grew up never really feeling good about yourself.  But you have….I can’t say this enough times….great ability to help, even inspire others, and the more you use that ability, the more that child in you will grow to like herself;  the more you encourage her to like herself, the more capable you will feel to help others.

And one more important thing:  You were born with Chiron stationary.  Yes, that shows that you have a deep wound, and quite powerful.  But it also shows that you have the ability to help others heal from the same type of wounds.  It may mean helping other people who feel they have no purpose, or it may be helping others who feel like ending it.  It may be helping others who need to see that someone really DOES know what they are feeling when they are so down on themselves.

Thanatos will come, Linda.  But there is an aspect of it that is very much a part of Eros….and that is the death of something in order to provide a future for something else.  Old self dies….new self born out of the ashes, like a Phoenix.  Old qualities die, to make way for a bigger you.

Try thinking of death as not the physical death where you are buried in a grave, and your spirit goes on to be with others.  Try to think of it as what must die in your life in order for you to experience life.

One of the major reasons this is so much an issue of late is, first, that Pluto entered Capricorn and so has been squaring your Saturn and Ascendant, and passing back and forth over your fourth cusp.  The universe is pushing you to do SOMETHING drastic.  Pluto hates seeing someone stuck in a painful situation, and tries to push you to rid yourself of everything that is keeping you from feeling good.  And this Pluto transits are not ignorable.  You WILL change, one way or another.  The key to a Pluto transit is to go forward into the change….to
actively seek transformation.  It is the only way, really, because otherwise you are pushed and shoved so hard you sometimes feel like you have been through a meat grinder.

And then, on top of this, you are going through your second Saturn Return.  The Saturn return is when one feels their age, and really feels the weight of the past.

But the combination of the two for you is potentially better than either would have been if they happened separately…..because now, for the first time in your life, you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself.  You have never allowed yourself to really see it, but you have potentially the power to do wonderful things, things other people can’t, and to help others in ways no one else can.

The Saturn/Pluto influence will shape the year ahead.

I can guarantee you that you will not feel the same by this time next year.  And if you willingly work to find a way to help others, you will no longer be drawn to a death that is the end of life here…but rather drawn to the death of the old to make way for something much much better.

I hope this has helped.  Please, do ask if there is something that doesn’t make sense.

But I can tell you that you have way too much you can give others to leave the earth any time soon.

Zane

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