10-17-6 notes

Walking into a crowded gas station and café after spending 3 weeks at my friend’s in the northern Minnesota woods and I experienced instant sensory and perceptual overload.  Not a logical reaction, like I was shattered, splintered and fragmented.  Like my “me” state of mind that I was “in” when I walked into the door disintegrated and disappeared in response to the input of “so many possibilities” at the same time.  I could not help but react in almost panic, as if every potential and possible interaction that could happen was on some level happening instantly and simultaneously.  They all demanded my attention at the same time.  As if my walking in there changed “their world.”  How could anyone be that aware of what’s the possibility of interactions even though I only had to interact with the cashier.  Like everything got sensor-arily noisy.  Very LOUD!  I left as fast as I possibly could!

THAT was disorganizing!

Like the possibilities and potential for interactions, just the awareness of the potential for complexity – demanded and triggered a transitional state of mind, a shift.  But I got caught in an expanded version of transition that I KNOW is not normal!

I think others would remain completely unaware of the “essence of energy” present in that small space.  They would – as Temple Grandin would say – be unable to ignore almost all of the sensory and mental input in favor of the bigger picture which would have been focused and goal directed:  Comfortably and at their own internally relaxed pace they would have been able to do what they came there for – pay for their gasoline and leave.

It’s almost like little ghost selves dissolved out of all those bodies and came rushing toward me when I walked in the door.  Curious, push, forward, leering (some of them).  People DO have life forces and energy.  But we assume people are retained pretty much within the boundaries of their bodies.  Yet we are “sensing” all of the time – whether or not we are aware of it consciously.  The root of “sense” is journey, and how do we know that our senses don’t “reach out” and journey outside our bodies?  Just because these events are normally hidden and invisible to us?

States of mind:  Is it possible to begin to try to consciously choose them?  Isn’t a smile at a stranger walking toward me on the street a conscious choice?  Or can be?  Maybe “normal” people don’t have to think about becoming conscious of their states of mind.  Theirs just FLOW along, one into the next one.  But for those of us who had our “flow” broken in infancy as our brains developed – we don’t have the flow.  We have something else.  These abrupt shifts in states we can’t predict or anticipate and often can’t control.

What other choice do I have other than to be hyper aware?  With somehope I can learn and change – and intercept if I can actually either move faster than the state shifts so I can be ahead of them, or slow them way down, or both.

So is everyone’s state always organized around a value, something they need or want, like a goal?  Are all states fundamentally goal directed?  Goal directed states of mind?  But some of us sabotage ourselves by our “other” states taking over and interfering.

#1 being protected by our parents so that we know they are there for us to take care of us and keep us safe no matter what

#2 “feeling felt”


  1. I’m trying not to jump out of my chair! It just dawned on me, I don’t think I have known anyone to express this feeling so accurately!
    When I’m in public I tend to distance myself emotionally from everyone’s energy, the more energy I’m bombarded with, the more I distance myself. There have been times I felt completely removed; like I was kicked out of my own body and normal interactions were put into autopilot!!
    I feel like the sensitivity you are describing, and correct me if I’m wrong, Is what I like to compare to *batteries*. We are all giving off charges, repelling or absorbing. Once you reign it in it truly is a blessing. How you came across this level of institution may have been traumatic, but it does not have to be seen as a curse.
    I used to feel like my subconscious was an evil entity out to get me. I still feel like there is 2 of me, but the closer I come to integration, the more I see myself as one. For now though, I’m starting to see my subconscious as an ally. Those moments of disassociation as me protecting me =)

    ** as a side note: after rereading that to check my spelling I realized it sounded like I was talking about DID, but I’m not =) definitely my favorite post so far!

    • Hi! In many ways I think humans are far more complex that we recognize ourselves to be. We are destined to mature and evolve, to develop a fantastic peaceful just world and in that future I believe many more of our natural abilities will find a place, a use/purpose for which our entire species is just not mature enough now to even begin to comprehend.

      But we aren’t THERE yet, so learning how to “get along” with far less or no personal distress whenever we can is so important!! Gaining an understanding of attachment and its variations of “insecure attachment disorders” is very helpful, too!

      By the way, again I suggest this – ’cause I find this fascinating on the “crystal children” some are noting coming into the world now – http://www.starchildren.info/crystal.html

      • I’m scanning the article but had to stop and ask this: is this kind of like autism, adhd, SPD etc, being described as evolutionary leaps for the betterment of our species?

        • I think – and my just-turned-5 grandson is getting screened the end of this month for autism, that we are bringing these so-special children into a world that is NOT HEALTHY for ANY of us!! And they are suffering – from all kinds of toxins in our environment, too hectic lives, too much of too many things that we have come to believe are OK for us – and are NOT!!

          I think the adults are supposed to be far more advanced, selfless, wise, whatever – than we ARE! We did not do what we were supposed to do, needed to do, to be ready to take care of these children – to give them what they need!

          that’s my very short answer to your excellent question!!

        • I am still thinking about your question. I guess I really would answer “yes” to it. I have no way to know this is true, of course. But there is something different – and to me very special – about many of the little ones I have met recently. You may know of some of these children in your own life? I think it is a kind of sense I get when I am around them….

          • Well, yes, I have known autistic kids. I worked in a psych hospital for years; mainly on the children’s unit. I also did an internship during college, and a few group homes working with special needs adults and children. It’s hard to explain, and I’m grasping for the words at this point, but it was surreal. I know people. I see things in them. Sometimes, the things I see they want me to see subconsciously; I think. It’s hard to explain the things I see with my gut or heart.
            But, *seeing*, truly seeing autism, was different. They saw something beyond our world, I saw it in their eyes. I wish I could just pull up a YouTube video or a scientific article, it would be so much easier.

            There was this one during my middle sons speech therapy that girl showed me something truly amazing. She was so beautiful and something about her drew me in. I sat there one watching her as she watch to automatic open and close. She fascinated by it trying to figure it out, I’m not sure actually what she was thinking. But after a few minutes she turned and looked and me and gave me a smile like she had shown me something, trusted me with a secret kind of.

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