WHAT CIRCLE IS THIS?

02-09-07

Was the experience of my “vision” simply a trip around the circle I lived within?  Did I simply visit my own internal-external homeland? I suspect that if time is a relative “thing,” then this is exactly what I did.

I could then overlay these two vignettes as I write them right over one another, lay them right on top of one another because they are probably telling the same story – just at different times in my life.

Mirror neurons must teach us to love ourselves by utilizing the love we see in another’s eyes to mirror our own self love back to our self.  If nobody is there to love us when we are born, we gaze without and see nothing, therefore the focus of our gaze must be kept and held within ourselves.  In “there” we keep the perfect world — intact, pristine, whole, and eternal.

But if no person is out there to love us, we remain personless, our universe is not complete any more than was the “god’s world” of biblical telling.  Maybe we all recreate creation individually from the moment of our conception, from the moment of our birth.  And there are supposed to be people “here” to great us so that we can begin the journey of knowing we are not “there” any longer, we are “here” on earth among these life forms and exist as a member of our human species.  For it is to be human that we are so well equipped, following the thousands of generations who paved the way for us, leaving us the heritage of our genetic potentials and optimal developmental pathways to follow.

For it is our early first caregivers who call us to ourselves through their interactions with us.  All our tiny neurons sliding around into their specific places in our rapidly growing brains, assuming their roles, eliminating themselves in the name of efficiency if they are not used and therefore are not needed.  Not unlike an orchestra that is overcrowded with people sitting idle with their instruments with no part to play.  Most likely they would get irritated, or at least bored, and eventually turn around and leave.  But excess as the start is better than shortage.  Not enough people in the orchestra and things go awry.  Not likely the members can play more than one necessary part of the musical score at one time.

2-10-7

Standing in my circle at the center of the world

“Can I come out now?”

We wait in there to be discovered, to be welcomed, to be called out, to be linked to, to be joined, so that we can be with our species.

Perhaps we are born into this circle place.  We all have our own potential at birth but our brains and our bodies have to grow, develop, expand and appear.  We have to go through these developmental stages appropriately – at least adequately.

I think our early caregivers’ love calls us out of this circle, reaches us in there.  Maybe the circle’s boundaries are normally supped to dissolve and disappear.  Maybe they stay there and once people leave it its very hard to return, to find the way back “home.”

Maybe the whole circle disappears when people are loved and circle’s overlap and the edges disappear at those point.  Maybe the ability to mentalize is sharing “common” ground, space that exists when people can “attach” – maybe like a space station with ships docking at a docking station.  Maybe we are programmed through evolution to do this linking and this joining – to join our species.

Do we long for it?  Or only long for it once we have experienced it and it goes away?

I think the circles have to do more than approach or come near one another.  They have to attach, join or “bridge” the gap between them.  Are doorways opened that cannot be closed?

Maybe that is what makes people crazy.  When these doors have been open in the past and these gaps in the wall are opened and there’s (A) no way to close them and (B) a vacant gap and the connecting person has withdrawn or refused to connect.

Maybe that’s a different damage that causes a different anguish.  Or a different degree of anguish, when someone in an extreme situation like mine was, had never experienced having those doors opened in the first place, so I did not miss it.  I did not expect or anticipate anything else.

So I did not have those illusions or delusions that there was any chance I could change anything.

It’s not, perhaps, so troublesome that someone goes away.  It’s that a person could not depend on them coming back, and could not depend on them “linking” or resonating or reattuning.  It’s that we have no trust or faith that the return or repair transaction to the break will occur.  We would experience the disconnection, with an unpredictable outcome.

We get terrified, desperate, and feel despair.  We cannot predict so we cannot depend, trust, hope, believe.  And when there is no cause-and-effect, there is chaos.

People who have been linked to and then “abandoned” get only partly born.  The process is not completed.  They get stuck there in that partly born place.  That makes them truly desperate.  On some level they believe that they caused the rupture.  So they try on some very primitive and deep level to manipulate, control, and change the situation.  To fix it.  To fix themselves.  They do not know they are not dependent upon the reunion to be whole.  Or they are still dependent because the developmental stages were not completed so that they could be “securely autonomous” and whole and independent.

They are left with the illusions and delusions.

Was it an illusion or a delusion that we thought the world was flat?  Ignorance.  What is it?

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I miss Ernie so much when I am away from him because I cannot predict or control or depend on a reunion-repair.  Because of THIS I cannot form and hold the secure mental representation of him and of our relationship and attachment that can sustain and comfort and sooth me while we are apart.

I have no confidence in the me-and-him-togetherness.  It is too illusive and intangible.

He says that had I, at the beginning, let him know how attracted to him I was, and how interested in him I was, everything would be different between us now.

I could not send off signals to him that he could interpret and read.  And I guess due to his own insecurities and lackings, he especially needed clear signals of “approach me” from me.  It was a double edge sword.  He “extra needed” what I “extra could not” give to him.

So now he coos and purrs to Mari instead of me.  He has the ship of himself docked at her station.  And I am left alone, where I guess I have always been anyway.  Why should this have been an exception?

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I am very aware each day as I begin to write that I am “going somewhere.”  That I am at one point or place in my thinking, knowledge, awarenesses and understandings, and that I am continuing on in my journey being at the same time completely unaware of the actual place I am going or will end up in.