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Friday, January 27, 2017.

ALWAYS

Always I have had to be someone I am not

Some way I am not

Who forces this to happen?

Or should I say

WHAT?

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Nobody know.  Like photographs in the chemical bath

We are becoming clear

The images of us

Us

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So

They don’t get us and we don’t get them

Only matters from the inside

‘cause unless ‘things’ are very extreme

And problematic

‘they’ couldn’t care less

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I suppose this is the best we all can do at this point in time.  There are so MANY more horrible, horrible problems among humans upon this earth.

So

Shut-up

Don’t complain

Who really matters?

What does it matter that I am one who feels so completely

Alone?

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Truth being

I CANNOT connect with others

And only now for some strange reasons

This

About me

Is finding a name:

Autism

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I want to go to the kind lady who works in the back sorting donations at the thrift store whose proceeds support anti-hunger projects in this county.

She knows things.  She knows compassion and kindness.

With her

I could cry

And cry

And cry and cry and cry.

Who am I to think for an instant that I deserve someone to care about

ME

THAT much?

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To me, this woman is rare.  She represents a different kind of human being than the rest who struggle without being able to go deeper

Or offer more.

Larder empty

That woman knows there are other kinds of food.

I need some.

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I guess my needs have finally overwhelmed my capacity to listen to others, to give give give without return.

But

Maybe

Everyone is in this same boat!

Oh

How horrific

That would be!

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Maybe I have pumped my own giving well dry.

How can I fill myself up again when I have no way to access anyone who will or can give to me?

What about the SHAME in our culture against needing anything from anyone EVER?

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Running American self-sufficiency and independence off of the far end

Running dry

Running empty?

GOD FORBID any of us figure THIS out!

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Chilling.

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I am trying to get through the VA process toward finding a local “therapist” to work with – although personally I have little hope of the usefulness of this effort. With my unique history of horrendous abuse, and with my new self-revelation of Spectrum-me, well…..  I outgrew therapists a long time ago.

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