Journal age 29 – 3-20 thru 4-30, 1981

Backed up yahoo

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March 20, 1981

I had a good day today.  I enjoyed getting up in time to be with the family.  Went to counselor and signed up for parenting classes starting Wednesday.  Going to learn to let my children be children and how to enjoy them.

Finished a shawl and got a special order for 2 mats.

Learned from talking to Terry C. that the world probably won’t end in 2 years or whatever.

March 22, 1981 Sunday 11 PM

I have a cold today that I can’t ignore.  I hope it passes soon, but I know I’ll need to slow down as my energy level is not real high.

Leo left today to spend 5 days working at his brother’s in Minneapolis area.  I put another log in the stove and it seems to want to “poof” smoke at me.

I’ve been thinking about gong to school summer session June 8 – July 10th.  2 classes I was just looking at are basic drawing and women in the arts.  I wonder if Voc. Rehab could help at all as $118 in tuition and fees not counting supplies and about $75 in gas and minimum of $140 for babysitting.

My nose is sore4 and if I lay down I’ll cough — ish!

Mom called Friday night.

March 25, 1981 Wednesday

Leo’s still in Mpls.  Both girls have been sick last night, today, and still running fevers.  I’m not gong to parenting class tonight as I’m not 100% well either.  Am scheduled Monday to go in and hear the tape and catch up as she said the first session is real important.  She wanted to know if we wanted to wait ’til June 10th to start and I felt scared as I don’t want to let things go that long.

I miss going to my AA tonight and sure hope I can get out to go tomorrow night as I  know I need those meetings.  I’m planning to go with Kay to the Moorhead group tomorrow.  I’m feeling guilty about not going to a regular meeting but hopeful that once a week is fine.

I wish Roxy would call as I don’t have her number.  I think I’ll write her tomorrow or tonight and must also get that yarn off to Cindy so I can quit worrying and feeling guilty about that.  [2009 note:  Roxy called today.  We are still dear friends, 29 years later.]

Imiss Leo but at least I know I can call him.  I talked to him last night and having Leoore try to reach him to have him call me tonight.

I feel dependent on him, but now I also feel OK about that dependency.  I love him, and I think this trip helped us survive a test in our relationship as I know how much I needed that time to get in touch with myself and clarify my feelings about myself, past happenings, my family, and hopefully my Higher Power, although those feelings still fade in and out as I tend to THINK too much and block off the messages from the spirit.

I talked to Dr. Swenson in MSU’s industrial arts dept. and he said industrial technology is a good field — especially for women.  (Leo just called)

Today’s meditation in the day-by-day talks about change.  “As we seek to know God great upheavals will occur in our lives.  Ideas we thought had a strong goundation will crumble.”  Change may be difficult to endure, but we know God does not change and He will help us if we let Him.”

[2009 note:  I still believe that abusive childhoods that create insecure attachment disorders can also create difficulties in forming a safe and secure feeling relationship with God or a Higher Power — not just in human to human relationships.  I am, at 58, finally just accepting that I will probably never in my lifetime be able to form the kind of feeling relationship of love with God that I wish I could.  There I draw the difference between ‘belief’ that is more left brain and less emotionally based, and ‘faith’ which I think one can better FEEL.]

I have to be willing to let God show me where I can change — allowing His wisdom to show me where I know mine has failed.  I know I can change my parenting and a lot of attitudes about what I can do and what I like and don’t like to do.

Going to school this summer will be a change as I’ve had summers free for a long, long time.  I have worried about adjusting to the work world and having to work in the summer — especially here where our summers’ are so short.  I need to change my attitude to realizing when I have a job I CHOSE it and not resent HAVING to work when it’s a beautiful summer day.

[2009 note:  We never had very much money, but my husband was a dependable provider and a hard worker.  I know now that if I had worked for a living back then during those years, my emotional, mental and psychological disabilities from post-trauma would have become obvious much sooner than they eventually did.]

There needs to be a number of changes in me as I move into a structured life.  I need to learn that structure doesn’t always mean monotonous and have to be bad.  I have a lot of choice on how we look at things and as I become more acceptant and tolerant I will not get so angry and resentful.  [2009 note:  Interesting statement:  I have a lot of choice on how we look at things…]

March 26, 1981 11 PM

Went to AA in Moorhead tonight and missed my Hawley group.  Had coffee with Kay.  Talked about daily contact with someone in AA and I don’t do that — perhaps just having Leo around serves that purpose as when he’s not here I guess I tend to call someone every day.

Realized I’m afraid to face my feelings with Kay as I feel I’m selfish and afraid of my own childhood hurt.  Will be bringing her in to visit with my therapist next time I go in April 7.  Leo’s not home yet so don’t know if he’s coming in later tonight or tomorrow.

Kids are still sick.

Feel out of touch with my feelings today. — guilty for not spending time with the girls —

March 28, 1981 Saturday

Work on “You Can Stop” book…..

April 1, 1981 Wednesday

It seems so easy to lose touch with Leo on a daily feelings level.  He’s gone over 10 hours a day, and with things going on Monday, Wed. and Thurs evening, days seem to go by fast without a lot of time in between.  I feel like I’m alone so often with my own thoughts and feelings — The girls also need time with their Dad and he needs time to himself.  Normally, I guess the girls would go to bed at 8:30 which leaves 2 hours — but that’s not a lot of time.  And then there’s also work to be done around the house — but, I am grateful that he’s working.

A month ago today I reached Ocean Beach [CA]  Seems eons ago.  The day-to-day sure does suck a person in.  I’m glad I had the chance to take a break.

Ocean breakers

masses of water

having a chance

to do something different

Breaking in white

frothing foam

pulled back to the ocean

and becoming level

water

once again

maybe it’s a once

in a life-tiome

break

for those drops of

water

that get to be breakers

on the shore

April 5, 1981 Sunday

Restless afternoon.  Nice sunny day today but not above 55.  Went to Godfather’s for pizza tonight and to Jim and Casey’s for visit.  First time I’ve seen them since returning home — they generously offered use of their lake house to us — I love that family–

Thinking in gratitude for the home we have and the beautiful friends too.  Also thinking about a greenhouse if we’re going to stay here and a solar food dryer.  I’d like to use my cans somehow to heat it.  [drawing here]  Maybe I could learn in drafting class how to design one of these, maybe use an old refrigerator.

Perhaps raise angora rabbits here.

April 8, 1981 Wednesday

Went to see Mrs. Tiedeman [therapist] today.  As we talked she began to ask specific questions about how I felt.  She made an appointment for me to go in a week from tomorrow at 8 AM to see a man who evidently determines whether there is a chemical imbalance that causes depression.  She says a lot of my answers seemed to signify symptoms of this problem.  I’m curious and looking forward to finding out about this.  [2009 note:  I don’t know how I thought this was going to be determined, but I believe it was — and still is — pretty hit or miss.]

April 12, 1981 Sunday

Been wondering more about this depression lately.  I feel withdrawn sometimes, and have to force myself to become involved with others and to do things with and for them.

Went to Unitarian Fellowship this AM to hear Marian Kadrie talk.  She was excelLeot, but I left immediately as was not comfortable.  Did spinning demo at Plains art museum and went to Edith’s with Wendy and Suzi and Greg afterward.  Was nice.  Saw Echo and Larry briefly when I got home.  Been teasing fleece for spinning tonight.

April 14, 1981 Monday

Today was frustrating as I worked 9:30 AM to 4 PM straight on a dress for Ramona and then tried it on her only to realize I should ahve added a minimum of 2 inches to the Leogth as it’s too short.  Will have to add extra ruffles to the bottom to mkae it fit.

This evening Leo and I went to a healthy-living seminar fro CD and learned everyone needs to PLAY and has the need to get “high”, intoxicated — stressed aerobic exercise.

Cold tonight — in the teens.  A month ago today was in Safford looking at the lots with Cindy and Gary.  Seems like a long time ago.

I wonder if my taking that trip was a tangible way for me to alleviate depression and Mrs. Tiedeman has picked up on this.

I know change of life-style as far as diet, smoking and exercise would really help and I don’t seem to have the motivation to do any of this for myself.  Is that part of the depression?

I wonder if there’ll be a time when I can do housework — mundane chores easily without resentment.  I just don’t feel happy most of the time and that does bother me.  When I do, it seems temporary.

I did some reflective listening with the girls today [from the parenting class] and it worked.  They do get at each other though.

April 15, 1981 Tuesday

I wonder shy it bothers me if people don’t like and need me. Worrying that Rosy might be mad at me and wrote her.  Also feeling distant from Diania — perhaps more “neighbor” than “friend?”  sort of how in the beginning it bothered me so that I didn’t think Kathy and Jackie liked me.  Unsure of my own self-worth?  Obsessive thinking about things and coming up with possible “reasons” why Rosy is not coming around — self-talk — head-tripping —

Is it that lack of structure thing?  Too much time to think?  I think I could always find time to think.

Spun yard today and dyed it MULBERRY — space shuttle landed today —

[2009 note:  Interesting at now at twice the age I was then, I don’t bother to think about these things any more.  I have traveled many, many roads since this writing.  Passed in and out of many, many friendships.  A few have remained, most had their time and their season.  I know now that sometimes people CLICK — sometimes for a little while, sometimes for a long time.  But I never worry any more if the ‘problem’ is me.]

April 16, 1981 Thursday

Went to see Mrs. Tiedeman and Dr. Staton today and they gave me medication for depression which I started tonight.  Will see maybe in 2 weeks how I feel — around May 1st.

Need to get something off for Mark’s birthday —

Bought 3 pedigree angora rabbits today and they are precious.  Need to get a hutch for them.  I’m thankful for them.

Went to AA tonight and I got a new sponsor and I’m pleased.  Spent the day in town with Rosy.

Perhpas it will be easier to get going on things without forcing myself — even taking walks.  Also to be able to take it easy without feeling guilty — even playing.

Talked to Diania, too, over her and my feelings and I think things are OK there, too —

April 17, 1981

Took first pill last night and didn’t sleep well.  No BM today.  Sure was crabby this morning.

Went to folks [in-laws] tonight ’til midnight.  Ramona stayed, Kay came home with us.  Mom called — asked for my forgiveness.  I’m trying —

[2009 note:  That’s interesting.  I wish I’d written more.  I sure don’t remember this.]

April 19, 1981 Easter

Tonight is the 4th night taking meds.  Last three nights I’ve dreamed a lot.  Reminds me when I first started getting stoned on pot I used to smoke it in a parked car on the base with Pat and his friends at night and then go home to the barracks and sleep — and dream.  That’s about all I got stoned for to start off with.

Everyone was home at the Folks’ today.  Roy seemed real quiet.  I wonder why.  Played Rook to 2 AM there last night and again today and dice with Leo tonight.  I notice I get angry — no control over the dice and games — I get hateful, resentful, sarcastic and vicious.  Also Wed. parenting classes I use sharp wit and do enjoy the laughter, though.

I need more exercise and play and jogging shoes are on sale but no money as spent so much on the rabbits.

They are cute and I think they’re starting to know me and voices.  They each need separate cages as they grow up.

Sunny day today but cool.  Girls had fun and neat Easter baskets.

April 20, 1981 Monday noon

I slept to 10:30 this morning and I think I needed it.  Yet now it’s noon and I still don’t know what I feel like doing today.  It’s sunny out and very windy.  The girls want to haul a blanket out to the picnic table and make a house, but both their rooms are messy and I told them I wanted them to clean their rooms before they made any more messes so they’re up there doing that now.  I wish they’d clean rooms without me always having to tell them to.

Perhpas when Ramona is napping — my sister Cindy just called and it was sure good to talk to her.  They are selling off the pigs to pay debts and then will let the farm go back to Farmer’s Home.  She says also it looks like there’s a good chance they will move to Alburquerque to pastor a church there. In about 2 months they will fly there to check it out.

The kids are having a good time playing in their house.  Lunch finished now —

11:45 PM — hard day with kids.

Went to aftercare and talked about respect — something to think about.  Mutuality.  Genuine.  Walked 3 miles with Rosy today.

April 21, 1981 Tuesday

I prayed last night and I think it helped.  I have felt pretty positive today.  The girls were very good.  While Ramona napped I had Kay stay in and I walked the 3 miles.

I had 2 calls on my ads for weaving outlets and I am grateful to God for them.  I called Kim and will be pulling my things from the collective and using the Perham and maybe Detroit Lakes outlets for the summer.

The pedometer didn’t work and I lost it.  What a waste of $8.95.

The girls played with the rabbits tonight in the pen and were thrilled.  Got some 4-H material to read on rabbits.

Finished Rosy’s shirt — need snaps.  Mailed registration for Fri. and Sat. stress seminar on family living.

April 22, 1981 Wednesday

Went to Parenting class tonight – #5.  Sandy Rude stopped by at 10:30 and just left at 12:30 AM.  She took along the mulberry sweater jacket I wove and may keep and trade for something as she really loves it.  I have enough yard to do another one.  We talked about glucose tolerance test and testing of the hair for nutritional analysis.  I’d like to have that done.

I put a 4 yard warp on the loom and did a wall-hanging today.  Need to press and brush and mount it.

Paula will be driving out with Michelle tomorrow and Donna may stop.  I felt like walking today but no way to get away from Mona.  Wonder if Paula can watch kids tomorrow and Michelle and I can go walk.  Still bothers me I lost the pedometer and that it didn’t work.

Snady wants me to check on the pony Fri. and Sat or Sun.  Diana Overland gave us tickets free to Shriner’s circus.  Would like to see if Rosy or Cecelia will watch girls on Fri. afternoon.

[2009 note:  I guess I knew a lot of women, and they came to my house.  I don’t have that now.]

Pretty good day today.  Still smoking a lot of cigarettes.  Girls fed rabbits.  Tonight last night on half meds.  Tomorrow full dosage.  Called Barb today and talked.

April 23, 1981 Thursday

It’s after midnight again, but I hesitate going to bed because I’m not sleeping well.

Not too good a day today — tired, achey, crabby, no appetite — depressed over nothing I can see.  Full dosage of meds first time tonight.  Long day tomorrow —

April 25, 1981 Saturday

Well, it’s 12:35 AM again.  I was set to go to bed when I remembered I had bread dough rising on the stove — so shaped into loaves and rising now to bake before bed.  Leo and I played Scrabble and dice and I forgot all about it.

I spent the day at a stress/depression seminar at NDSU today and visited Michelle 4 – 6 PM this afternoon.

By the time I got home I felt angry and cried and felt depressed at dinner time.  Strange — no real reason.  Tired though.  And tonight clocks change and we lose an hour of sleep already.  Leo bought groceries and a mixer, too, at an auction.  $$ always is touchy.

I tried to tell Leo some feelings and he took them personally and everything gets screwed up and I felt angry, hurt, guilty, rejected, put off and put down.

Then it becomes hard to open my mouth and say anything.  A lot of feelings aren’t OK to him, and then it bothers me he won’t talk to Ben or Jerry or anyone and I get angry and think he thninks he’s so together he doesn’t need anyone’s help and I’m the one who’s screwed up.

[2009 note:  Believe me, that problem got worse and is one of the big ones that led to our divorce a few years down the road.  His entire passive-aggressive family felt the same way about me.]

April 26, 1981 Sunday

Finished a weaving tonight.  Went to the circus with the girls and Zach and his friend.  Returned the borrowed rabbit cage to Rourke’s with a loaf of bread.  Had cake and ice cream with Barb.  Said hello to Casey.  Visited Ann and Burton’s.  She agreed to baby sit the girls when I go to summer school.  She wants to meet Michelle and wants me to go Wed. to Skateland and also in 6 weeks start aerobic dance class.  [2009 note:  Ann was a good friend, and sadly died of cancer about 10 years ago.]

I think the meds are constipating me.  Felt OK otherwise.

April 27, 1981 Monday 12:40 AM

Here it is again after midnight.  Went to aftercare tonight and Leo took the Toyota to Burton’s and changed the fuel pump.  Rosy came over today and Michelle and kids were here from noon to %:30 today.  She treated us to lunch at Highway Host.  I cooked stew and sent some home with her and a loaf of homemade wheat bread.

I did a weaving before she came today — that makes 3 since last week.  I pressed all the weavings and labels tonight to get them ready to send tomorrow night to Perham.  For the most part I feel amazed at the variety of my work and the quality and amount of work it took to make them out of all that “string.”

I’d like to hope these weavings sell at the next shop.  33 1/3% commission is pretty high.

April 28, 1981 Tuesday

Went to see Mrs. Tiedeman today and she thought I looked good and showed improvement and made an appointment for a month from now.  I did feel OK this AM but after futile search at MSU for articles I felt stressed and negative.  Ann was sure sweet and offered to go to NDSU’s library with me tomorrow to check for stress articles.  I don’t imagine they have much more than MSU.

Took photos of weavings today and Lori stopped by and took them to her shop in Perham.  Doesn’t open until June 1st.

April 29, 1981 Wednesday

Today has been a good day.  I went roller skating today for the first time since I went once in 1969 [2009 note:  I have no memory of going in high school!]  I really enjoyed it and hope to go next week.  Went for lunch at NDSU with Burton.  Came home and took a short nap and Kathy Eller.  Went to parenting class tonight.  Slept good last night with no caffeine.  Mom called last night and had good talk.

Thinking about taking Social Work and the American Indian, Econ 100 and Basic art – drawing 101 first session.

“Do not fear to be without an immediate solution.”

April 30, 1981 Thursday  11:45 AM

I feel angry and frustrated this morning and felt like getting stoned.  It feels as though I need to take some action — only what?  I have the freezer emptied and ice out and almost done defrosting that.  A job I’ve put off.

The braided rug needs to go down in the living room.  Also thinking I’d like to pack up extra “old” things around here and do stream-lining before I start school and follow through on the storage idea.

10:35 PM  A strange-mood day.  I didn’t go to Kay’s program at school but went to AA instead as I felt I needed it.  Something feels like it’s missing.  The nager I felt today seems gone, but I feel melancholy and kind of sad (lonely?).

Bought a little dress for Sue’s baby.

Sometimes I feel as though God is trying to prepare me for something for which I am specifically meant to do.  I wonder about Indians — art — social work — Sometimes I feel frustrated with things the way they are.

Leo thinks the $1,000 inheritance is bothering me — also vocation — also stress papers —