Tuesday, September 1, 2015.  There are times in our life when the last thing people around us want from us is that we BE REAL.  If there are important choices being made, significant choices and especially ones that gravely affect very young innocent children — that appear to be being made by others who are operating from an unconscious inner “data base” — EVERY PERSON involved better remain unconscious as well and if this is not possible – then they better be SILENT.

Or what?

Confrontations in these kinds of patterns within relationships do not work.  There is a kind of inner status quo in people who seem to need to remain in an “unconscious” state about matters of import that seems necessary to them being able to sustain their life.  The power held by the unconsciousness itself can never be underestimated.

It is serving a purpose.  A very big purpose.  The good or bad of such purpose is open to question.

Or is it?

What might the critical difference be between that which seems to sustain life and that which seems to sustain a LIFESTYLE?  In American mainstream materialistic, consumer society do we differentiate between the two?

Are we clear about the difference between a want and a need?  How much do we understand about the essential attachment NEEDS of infants and very young children (I would say especially under the age of five)?  In these little people what they NEED and what they WANT is exactly the same thing IF they are being parented correctly with at least GOOD ENOUGH safe and secure attachment permeating the little one’s every early life moment.

A parent’s – especially a mother’s – lack of specific clarity about the difference between their own wants and needs is very likely going to damage their children’s essential development because there IS some suffering-through-personal-sacrifice of WANTS in caregiving attachment adults – and often even some sacrifice of NEEDS required to maintain a stable and fulfilling safe and secure environment for very young humans to grow their self, their connection to and their personal relationship with this self.


In a materialistic society where WANT is the fuel and GET IT is the fire it is incredibly easy to drop one’s very young children along the roadside in the mad rush to acquire WHATEVER.

Or, just an easy process to drop one’s very young children in some large daycare center and forget about them during the most important formative moments, hours, days, weeks, months and years of those little ones’ lives.  Easy to do so unconsciously.  Easy to do so unchallenged.  Easy for everyone except for those little people who will grow up, and I mean WILL grow up, wounded and lost-within.

Parents who do not want to know what the critically important attachment needs of their children are – won’t know.  Nor will they let anyone else tell them either about these needs or about how not meeting these needs harms their so-young and vulnerable children.

It’s an emotional death trap.  I suspect that this mass abandonment of little ones by mothers into daycare centers from birth is the number one way that trauma is being passed down through the generations to the largest number of people in America today.

It seems not to matter one bit whether or not these kinds of parents were “traumatized” in their childhood or not.  This society condones, enables and encourages such kinds of abandonment of the young – at very young ages and for very VERY long hours per day — and it seems that fewer and fewer parents are willing to question how destructive to the development of a whole and healthy self in young children these patterns of neglect actually are.

It works fine for the creation of a consumer society which best operates by luring its citizens to attempt to fulfill their vast hole-within-self (replete with the kinds of gaping internal wounds that early abandonment creates) by BUYING THINGS.  Buying more and more and more and MORE – things.  Consume.  Consume.  CONSUME.

These children grieve for their mothers all through their waking days.  Who cares?  Who, really, cares?

And when mothers become “super affectionate” love machines to their abandoned young for perhaps an hour in the mornings and perhaps two hours in the evenings – with some kind of super smooching also on the very short weekends filled with GO!  GO!  GO! — these young ones do NOT understand that such love is not a life sustaining, long-term kind of moment-to-moment intimate sharing of continual life experiences kind of love that actually builds happy, healthy self-sustaining whole human beings.

It takes TIME to raise a child, to create a human being.  That is what our evolution has determined best suits our development and frees our fullest potential.  TIME with loving attachment people whose very life is itself devoted primarily to meeting the needs of the little ones being brought into the world.


Daycare centers are herding pens for lost children, no matter how much they cost, no matter how great their hard-sell for customers is.  Daycares are about BUSINESS.  About making money.

They are not about solacing the breaking hearts of the abandoned young who fill up their toy-packed rooms.  They are not about looking within a child with love to draw out the best possible self of a child into a world where love is dependably there to welcome them every moment of their young life.

Daycare centers overwhelm and overstimulate young children in ways that are not remotely related to the actual needs for intimate development that each child has.  Perhaps by age three “play date” experiences with other children maybe twice a week in two hour segments can be helpful to them.  But this is NOT what is happening to larger and larger segments of our child population.

Not by a long shot.

How long will it take before our society’s great experiment garners attention as the ACE score long-range traumatic event that it is in young children’s lives?  It will take generations because nobody wants to think about or talk about or do anything to stop these patterns.

There may be some cases where daycares can offer to some children more than the parents have to offer them.  But little people do NOT need daycare in most cases to gain some kind of imagined competitive academic edge over their peers.  They do not need daycare “prep schools.”

Neither do they need “friends” to become whole little people at these so-young ages.  They do not need to be overly structured, overly stimulated, overly lost with such long times away (usually 10-11 hours per weekday) away from their primary attachment people.

What are the solutions to these great problems we are creating for our new generations?  How, when and where will our society identify the problems over a person’s lifespan that began with these kinds of patterns of early abandonment?

Who cares?


Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.



NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame


  1. Nearly every person I meet in my neighbourhood tells me my 18-mos old should be in full-time daycare, so she can socialise blah blah blah. While it would benefit both of us to have a social circle, she does not need to be parted from me five days a week and lumped in with other babies for that to happen. I work from home, there’s no need for that to happen. I scrape enough money together to afford live-in help, but it means I see my daughter most of the day and she is happy and secure. I’d like me-time now and again, but I can have plenty of that when she’s older. One day she’ll leave home and I’ll be wishing for these times.

    • I know the “causes” of many of today’s mothering practices are far more complex than I will ever understand, but in reality exactly what you are providing for your daughter is what humans are designed to NEED in order to become the best we can be – including how our brain-nervous system, immune system, stress-response system – ALL of us gets BUILT from the ground up. Most of those early windows of critical development (as they are called) do NOT return again in a lifetime.

      There is what seems to be to be an “urban myth” about this “socialization” of very young children. If you would like to be able at some time to pass on science-based info about how young children need adult attachment and NOT bonds with their peers — to people who will no doubt CONTINUE to tell you things such as you are describing — finding talks by Dr. Gordon Neufeld on Youtube can help. Amazon.com also has some of his books – This “modern” myth is harmful to our young and makes NO sense!!!

      I am so happy for you and for your daughter!!! And so happy to hear from you!! THANKS!!!!

      • Thank you so much! I’m going to look up the YouTube talks today, wonderful to know there is factual evidence out there that she is best off with me or my aupair who lives with us and takes her for a few hours each day.
        My daughter gets one to one undivided attention and is thriving. We are expats in Spain and the ‘playgroup’ doesn’t exist here like in the UK, where parents can take their children and stay while they play. That’s a shame; it would help me meet other parents, too! But no, here children all trot off to the guarderia as soon as possible for full-time nursery, then school at 4 or 5.
        I aim to homeschool, but there’s also a Montessori school here I will look at. But not until she’s at least 6yrs old.

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