+NOTES 02/20/2017 –


Monday, February 20, 2017.


as need be

Memory of Sound

Memory of Smell

What we witness

and what we go through

Those tunnels of experience

enter, go through, come out the other side.


Learning through adulthood how events are linked together.  Taken apart.  Rearranged.  Reconnected.

In time.  Through time.  Sequenced and sequential.  Maybe brought together as substantial simultaneous experiencing

only in emotion


a feeling

says it all

all at once


witnessing a work of art

which is always


just a bunch of



What goo can I do for somebody else?

Not in this world to live only for myself

Having intangibles — I cannot call them “things”


a purpose

a sense of direction


for the good of others

basic needs met first


Coming to understand that though my abuse history was primary

it wasn’t primal

going all the way back to my first experience — even in my mother’s womb

I was already being built



It was always about the beauty

nothing else

nothing more

nothing less


That’s why I was always surprised

fundamentally taken by surprise


without warning

never saw it coming

every time for 18 years

when she brutally attacked me


nothing about brutality is beautiful



I only recognized beauty

[anything else would have been foreign, beyond recognition]

I was made that way

Maybe that’s what autism will prove

itself to be

++++++++++++++++++++++ about beauty

Maybe that’s what we are designed to respond to


Our problems happen when beauty is taken away

we have no way to respond to beauty’s absence

like other people do/can [when they adapt and say that they can.  i don’t.  i can’t]


We, then, are built for a better world

calm and peaceful — non invasive — no games — no manipulations for self aggrandizement or deceit (not even for flirting or bad humor)


kindness — attunement — quietude —

where people are essential partners

not predator

not prey


Where nothing is pretend or pretense

all is “given” — clear, not fuzzy


How to find one’s footing going up or down or standing still

on a steep shambling shale mountainside?


Always slipping and sliding on loose shale

built for a better world


no turbulence

no chaos

no surprises

if this is a part of autism, no wonder I never saw attacks coming

I wasn’t designed to


surprises always include transition


autism is about flow

“meticulous distinctions” within a peaceful state of flow — where flux is stable = a paradox


the paradox is that we all must live = go on being – in a world we are not desinged for — and cannot really adapt to


must redefine “norm”


NOTE:  a whole step above Teicher the “evolutionary altered” trauma survivor – add autism to my abuse trauma?  mindboggling – https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/a-book-being-born/dr-teichers-article-on-trauma-altered-development/


if we lived in a world suited to people of autistic design

we would be living in a kind of gentle world of peace

we are not “throwbacks”

we are “throwforwards” [to a time in the future when peace will be on earth as it is in heaven….]


being able to anticipate

I was always surprised because in MY autistic world, harm did not exist.  Therefore I could not anticipate harm


And now I must take my own hand

and wend my way through all this new information

how is it

will it

change everything I have ever known

about myself

in my



about this



(Oh, yet again….)