++++

Monday, February 20, 2017.

++

as need be

Memory of Sound

Memory of Smell

What we witness

and what we go through

Those tunnels of experience

enter, go through, come out the other side.

+

Learning through adulthood how events are linked together.  Taken apart.  Rearranged.  Reconnected.

In time.  Through time.  Sequenced and sequential.  Maybe brought together as substantial simultaneous experiencing

only in emotion

+

a feeling

says it all

all at once

+

witnessing a work of art

which is always

still

just a bunch of

guesswork

+++++++++++++++++++++++

What goo can I do for somebody else?

Not in this world to live only for myself

Having intangibles — I cannot call them “things”

+

a purpose

a sense of direction

accomplishments?

for the good of others

basic needs met first

+

Coming to understand that though my abuse history was primary

it wasn’t primal

going all the way back to my first experience — even in my mother’s womb

I was already being built

autistic

+++++++++++++++++++++++

It was always about the beauty

nothing else

nothing more

nothing less

++

That’s why I was always surprised

fundamentally taken by surprise

shocked

without warning

never saw it coming

every time for 18 years

when she brutally attacked me

+

nothing about brutality is beautiful

nothing.

+

I only recognized beauty

[anything else would have been foreign, beyond recognition]

I was made that way

Maybe that’s what autism will prove

itself to be

++++++++++++++++++++++ about beauty

Maybe that’s what we are designed to respond to

++++++++++++

Our problems happen when beauty is taken away

we have no way to respond to beauty’s absence

like other people do/can [when they adapt and say that they can.  i don’t.  i can’t]

++++++++++++++

We, then, are built for a better world

calm and peaceful — non invasive — no games — no manipulations for self aggrandizement or deceit (not even for flirting or bad humor)

+++++++++++

kindness — attunement — quietude —

where people are essential partners

not predator

not prey

+++++++++++++++++

Where nothing is pretend or pretense

all is “given” — clear, not fuzzy

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

How to find one’s footing going up or down or standing still

on a steep shambling shale mountainside?

+++++=

Always slipping and sliding on loose shale

built for a better world

we

no turbulence

no chaos

no surprises

if this is a part of autism, no wonder I never saw attacks coming

I wasn’t designed to

++

surprises always include transition

++

autism is about flow

“meticulous distinctions” within a peaceful state of flow — where flux is stable = a paradox

+

the paradox is that we all must live = go on being – in a world we are not desinged for — and cannot really adapt to

+++++++++++

must redefine “norm”

+++++++++++++++

NOTE:  a whole step above Teicher the “evolutionary altered” trauma survivor – add autism to my abuse trauma?  mindboggling – https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/a-book-being-born/dr-teichers-article-on-trauma-altered-development/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

if we lived in a world suited to people of autistic design

we would be living in a kind of gentle world of peace

we are not “throwbacks”

we are “throwforwards” [to a time in the future when peace will be on earth as it is in heaven….]

+++++++++++++

being able to anticipate

I was always surprised because in MY autistic world, harm did not exist.  Therefore I could not anticipate harm

++++

And now I must take my own hand

and wend my way through all this new information

how is it

will it

change everything I have ever known

about myself

in my

life?

Nothing

about this

is

easy

(Oh, yet again….)

++++