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I am bravely thinking through the writing of my books this morning, having dissolved into tears by last evening in feeling helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed and defeated in this process.

It is important for me to keep clearly within my line of sight that the #1 ‘symptom’ of an insecure attachment pattern (‘disorder’) IS – by definition – the inability to tell a coherent life story.  The coherency or incoherency of one’s life story telling directly matches the degree of relationship trauma (and therefore of trauma to our attachment system) that happened to us from the time we were born.

It seems to me that the more terrorizing and traumatizing our early attachment relationships WERE, the more incoherent the telling of our life story will be.  Add into this mix the very real, physiologically based attachment-trauma related exposure to uncountable early experiences that could be ASSOCIATED to nothing ‘reason-able’ – and therefore built themselves into our growing and developing body-brain as DISSOCIATED events – and we have the equivalent of an archeological past found only in tiny shards rather than in whole and beautiful works of art.

Because I don’t related to the term ‘recovery’ or ‘reclaiming’ very well because my abuse began at birth and I never had a chance to build a ME from the start that I can go back and ‘recover’ or ‘reclaim’ now, I have to find another way INTO the telling of my story at the same time I find another way to tell it at all!

Of course trying to even think about writing a book puts me face-to-face with the core of my trauma from the start.  How can I possibly write a coherent book when I will – by definition – never have a coherent story to tell?

I am determined to work my way through all of this.  I owe it to myself, and I owe it to whomever my experience might assist in their healing.

At this morning’s moment, I have decided that:

(1) Degrees of healing the self heal the telling of their life story

(2) Degrees of healing the telling of one’s life story heals the self

I see, again, the image of the infinity sign.  These two aspects of who we are in the world are intimately connected to one another.  That’s because we are members of the story telling human species.  By nature, when our self is wounded without healing our personal story is wounded.  By nature, as our ability to tell our story heals, we are healing at the same time.

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Because the book about my personal trauma history with my mother will probably be titled – “Disowning Mother” – and perhaps because of the repeated imagery that keeps showing up in the Australian television series about life on the 50,000 acre station-ranch, “McLeod’s Daughters”  that I am Netflix streaming and enjoying about all the fences they have to mend, I see this juxtaposition:

At the same time I think about healing, about ‘mending’ one’s self and one’s life story, I am at the same time quite sure that in my case disowning my mother was the best self-mending action I could possibly take.

So how do I put these two concepts together?  Today I thought about “Mending One’s Life Story.”  Then I thought about the concept of ‘making amends’ that is such an integral part of 12-step healing approaches.  What about ‘amending’ our life story?

OK, what can I learn this morning my looking into the origin and meaning of these words?  After all, I cannot adequately USE them if I don’t KNOW them:

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MEND

Etymology: Middle English, short for amenden — more at amend

Date: 13th century

transitive verb 1 : to free from faults or defects: as a : to improve in manners or morals : reform b : to set right : correct c : to put into good shape or working order again : patch up : repair d : to improve or strengthen (as a relationship) by negotiation or conciliation —used chiefly in the phrase mend fences <spends the weekend mending political fences — E. O. Hauser> e : to restore to health : cure
2 : to make amends or atonement for <least said, soonest mended>intransitive verb 1 : to improve morally : reform
2 : to become corrected or improved
3 : to improve in health; also : heal

synonyms mend, repair, patch, rebuild mean to put into good order something that is injured, damaged, or defective. mend implies making whole or sound something broken, torn, or injured <mended the torn dress>. repair applies to the fixing of more extensive damage or dilapidation <repaired the back steps>. patch implies an often temporary fixing of a hole or break with new material <patch worn jeans>. rebuild suggests making like new without completely replacing <a rebuilt automobile engine>

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AMEND

Function: verb

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French amender, modification of Latin emendare, from e, ex out + menda fault; akin to Latin mendax lying, mendicus beggar, and perhaps to Sanskrit mindā physical defect

Date: 13th century

transitive verb 1 : to put right; especially : to make emendations in (as a text)
2 a : to change or modify for the better : improve <amend the situation> b : to alter especially in phraseology; especially : to alter formally by modification, deletion, or addition <amend a constitution>intransitive verb : to reform oneself

synonyms see correct

— amend·able \-ˈmen-də-bəl\ adjective

— amend·er noun

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WOW!  I can see these words are obviously, and definitely, related to what I want to say – but this information does not go back FAR enough for me.  As I’ve said before, I want to at least find a bedrock root for words in their images as they came into the modern English language BEFORE the 12^th century.

Where do I go next?  How about here:

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DEFECT

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin defectus lack, from deficere to desert, fail, from de- + facere to do — more at do

Date: 15th century

1 a : an imperfection that impairs worth or utility : shortcoming <the grave defects in our foreign policy> b : an imperfection (as a vacancy or an unlike atom) in a crystal lattice
2 [Latin defectus] : a lack of something necessary for completeness, adequacy, or perfection : deficiency <a hearing defect>

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Yes, the word relates, but doesn’t go back before the 12^th century (although I know that “do” does!)

So, I’ll veer off and try this:

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FAULT

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English faute, falte, from Anglo-French, from Vulgar Latin *fallita, from feminine of fallitus, past participle of Latin fallere to deceive, disappoint

Date: 13th century

1 obsolete : lack
2 a : weakness, failing; especially : a moral weakness less serious than a vice b : a physical or intellectual imperfection or impairment : defect c : an error especially in service in a net or racket game
3 a : misdemeanor b : mistake
4 : responsibility for wrongdoing or failure <the accident was the driver’s fault>
5 : a fracture in the crust of a planet (as the earth) or moon accompanied by a displacement of one side of the fracture with respect to the other usually in a direction parallel to the fracture

— at fault 1 : unable to find the scent and continue chase
2 : open to blame : responsible <couldn’t determine who was really at fault>

— to a fault : to an excessive degree <precise to a fault>

synonyms fault, failing, frailty, foible, vice mean an imperfection or weakness of character. fault implies a failure, not necessarily culpable, to reach some standard of perfection in disposition, action, or habit <a writer of many virtues and few faults>. failing suggests a minor shortcoming in character <being late is a failing of mine>. frailty implies a general or chronic proneness to yield to temptation <human frailties>. foible applies to a harmless or endearing weakness or idiosyncrasy <an eccentric’s charming foibles>. vice can be a general term for any imperfection or weakness, but it often suggests violation of a moral code or the giving of offense to the moral sensibilities of others <compulsive gambling was his vice>.

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Again, this word relates, but…..the word itself isn’t old enough.  Looking at its history listed here, both of these words are significantly related to the topic of what child abuse is and what it does:  “deceive, disappoint.”  Geeze, which do I pick?  “Eeny-Meeny, Miny-Moe.”

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DECEIVE

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): de·ceived; de·ceiv·ing

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French deceivre, from Latin decipere, from de- + capere to take — more at heave

Date: 13th century

transitive verb 1 archaic : ensnare
2 a obsolete : to be false to b archaic : to fail to fulfill
3 obsolete : cheat
4 : to cause to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid
5 archaic : to while awayintransitive verb : to practice deceit; also : to give a false impression <appearances can deceive>

— de·ceiv·er noun

— de·ceiv·ing·ly \-ˈsē-viŋ-lē\ adverb

synonyms deceive, mislead, delude, beguile mean to lead astray or frustrate usually by underhandedness. deceive implies imposing a false idea or belief that causes ignorance, bewilderment, or helplessness <tried to deceive me about the cost>. mislead implies a leading astray that may or may not be intentional <I was misled by the confusing sign>. delude implies deceiving so thoroughly as to obscure the truth <we were deluded into thinking we were safe>. beguile stresses the use of charm and persuasion in deceiving <was beguiled by false promises>.

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Well, this is interesting.  From prior word history explorations I have done, I know immediately where the connections for this root word – HEAVE – go.

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HEAVE

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): heaved or hove \ˈhōv\; heav·ing

Etymology: Middle English heven, from Old English hebban; akin to Old High German hevan to lift, Latin capere to take

Date: before 12th century

transitive verb 1 obsolete : elevate
2 : lift, raise <heaved the trunk onto the table>
3 : throw, cast <heaving rocks>
4 a : to cause to swell or rise b : to displace (as a rock stratum) especially by a fault
5 : to utter with obvious effort or with a deep breath <heave a sigh of relief>
6 : haul, drawintransitive verb 1 : labor, struggle
2 : retch
3 a : to rise and fall rhythmically b : pant
4 a : pull, push <heaving on a rope> b : to move a ship in a specified direction or manner c past usually hove : to move in an indicated way <the ship hove into view>
5 : to rise or become thrown or raised up

synonyms see lift

— heav·er noun

— heave to : to halt the headway of a ship (as by positioning a sailboat with the jib aback and the rudder turned sharply to windward)

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HEAVEN

Main Entry: heav·en

Pronunciation: \ˈhe-vən\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English heven, from Old English heofon; akin to Old High German himil heaven

Date: before 12th century

1 : the expanse of space that seems to be over the earth like a dome : firmament —usually used in plural
2 a often capitalized : the dwelling place of the Deity and the blessed dead b : a spiritual state of everlasting communion with God
3 capitalized : god 1
4 : a place or condition of utmost happiness

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HEAVEN (before the 12^th century) as opposed to:

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HELL

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old English helan to conceal, Old High German helan, Latin celare, Greek kalyptein

Date: before 12th century

1 a (1) : a nether world in which the dead continue to exist : hades (2) : the nether realm of the devil and the demons in which the damned suffer everlasting punishment —often used in curses <go to hell> or as a generalized term of abuse <the hell with it>
2 a : a place or state of misery, torment, or wickedness <war is hell — W. T. Sherman> b : a place or state of turmoil or destruction <all hell broke loose> c : a severe scolding; also : flak, grief <gave me hell for coming in late> d : unrestrained fun or sportiveness <the kids were full of hell> —often used in the phrase for the hell of it especially to suggest action on impulse or without a serious motive <decided to go for the hell of it> e : an extremely unpleasant and often inescapable situation <rush-hour hell>
3 archaic : a tailor’s receptacle
4 —used as an interjection <hell, I don’t know!> or as an intensive <hurts like hell> <funny as hell> ; often used in the phrase hell of a <it was one hell of a good fight> or hell out of <scared the hell out of him> or with the or in <moved way the hell up north> <what in hell is wrong, now?>

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HELL is related in its word family roots to CONCEAL, and as I now see, directly to HIDE:

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CONCEAL

Etymology: Middle English concelen, from Anglo-French conceler, from Latin concelare, from com- + celare to hide — more at hell

Date: 14th century

1 : to prevent disclosure or recognition of <conceal the truth>
2 : to place out of sight <concealed himself behind the door>

synonyms see hide

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HIDE

Main Entry: ²hide

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): hid \ˈhid\; hid·den \ˈhi-d^ən\ or hid; hid·ing \ˈhī-diŋ\

Etymology: Middle English hiden, from Old English hȳdan; akin to Greek keuthein to conceal

Date: before 12th century

transitive verb 1 a : to put out of sight : secrete b : to conceal for shelter or protection : shield
2 : to keep secret <hide the truth>
3 : to screen from or as if from view : obscure
4 : to turn (the eyes or face) away in shame or angerintransitive verb 1 : to remain out of sight —often used with out
2 : to seek protection or evade responsibility

— hid·er \ˈhī-dər\ noun

synonyms hide, conceal, screen, secrete, bury mean to withhold or withdraw from sight. hide may or may not suggest intent <hide in the closet> <a house hidden in the woods>. conceal usually does imply intent and often specifically implies a refusal to divulge <concealed the weapon>. screen implies an interposing of something that prevents discovery <a house screened by trees>. secrete suggests a depositing in a place unknown to others <secreted the amulet inside his shirt>. bury implies covering up so as to hide completely <buried the treasure>.

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OK.  This before the 12^th century word interests me”  “To put out of sight” and “to conceal for shelter or protection.”  I am beginning to feel the attachment-related family of words related to ‘safety’ and ‘security’ appearing here.

What is it about our infant-childhood trauma experiences (or ANY trauma experience) that often means it cannot be easily incorporated into the coherent ongoing telling of the story of our life?

These interconnections are built into the word relationships in our language because they are related by definition to the realities of human experience.

Something BAD gets obscured, concealed, hidden in secret, and buried away.  ‘Secreted secrets’ that remove themselves from sight, that disassociate themselves from our life story – and thus represent the BREAKS that lead to the telling of an incoherent life story.  In other words, HELL has a hard time fitting into our stories.

Unlike the good stuff, that we can accept and ‘take’ into our story, that gets ‘heaved’ right up there in plain view!

But is there a way to learn to accept the buried things not as being in HELL, but like being buried as TREASURE?  (This reminds me of a connection to my mother’s age-10 childhood treasure story.  SEE:  +MY MOTHER’S CHILDHOOD STORIES).  Watch where this word trace goes next.  It brings tears behind my eyes.

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TREASURE

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English tresor, from Anglo-French, from Latin thesaurus — more at thesaurus

Date: 12th century

1 a (1) : wealth (as money, jewels, or precious metals) stored up or hoarded <buried treasure> (2) : wealth of any kind or in any form : riches b : a store of money in reserve
2 : something of great worth or value; also : a person esteemed as rare or precious
3 : a collection of precious things

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The TREASURE becomes the words themselves.  Telling our life story is about WORDS.  Yes, we can use pantomime and gesture, movement and dance, or any other method of nonverbal communication to transmit our life story.  But I am talking about early attachment relationships as they affect our developing body-brain AND our ability to tell a coherent life story – IN WORDS.

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THESAURUS

Etymology: New Latin, from Latin, treasure, collection, from Greek thēsauros

Date: circa 1823

1 : treasury, storehouse
2 a : a book of words or of information about a particular field or set of concepts; especially : a book of words and their synonyms b : a list of subject headings or descriptors usually with a cross-reference system for use in the organization of a collection of documents for reference and retrieval

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Connections to our memory and to our story are evident here, even though the word THESAURUS itself is circa 1823.  We are the treasury and storehouse for all the information that is US because it is OUR life.  If we don’t have the information consciously, explicitly and or verbally that is our autobiographical memory, it is recorded in our BODY itself implicitly (unconsciously).

No matter WHAT has happened to us in our lifetime, those experiences are a TREASURE not because of what the actual experience might have been (good or bad), but because it is OURS.  THAT is what makes all of our experiences a TREASURE.  The treasure is US, and our experience of our experience is a part of US.

As long as our experience of our experience remains cut-off from self and concealed in a HELL rather than being valued and cherished, discovered as buried treasure and claimed as such, our life story will simply be incoherent.

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I find it interesting that all the relations in our current language to ‘cohere’ and ‘coherency’ go back to an image (to me) of sticking things together with glue – like pasting things into a scrapbook or an album.  Yet, the word STICK itself as it might relate to a coherent life story?  Oh, does the word STICK get STICKY!

I am not a linguist by any means.  I just try to use words at the same time I often don’t really even know what them mean or intend, let alone where they come from.

But how do I tell or write a story without words?

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COHERE

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): co·hered; co·her·ing

Etymology: Latin cohaerēre, from co- + haerēre to stick

Date: 1598

intransitive verb 1 a : to hold together firmly as parts of the same mass; broadly : stick, adhere b : to display cohesion of plant parts
2 : to hold together as a mass of parts that cohere
3 a : to become united in principles, relationships, or interests b : to be logically or aesthetically consistenttransitive verb : to cause (parts or components) to cohere

synonyms see stick

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This word, STICK, and its meanings tie into the very ancient reality of being humans (in fact, primates are even know to use sticks as tools).  Sticks can be used in all kinds of ways, including their use as fasteners.

The missing parts of our stories are not FASTENED within our tale.  They are excluded verbally, banished, or even distorted and pasted into our stories in ways that do not really reveal our truth.

One I think of the millions of experiences of our lifetimes that we cannot consciously remember or talk about (everyone would be overwhelmed if they consciously remembered everything), I also think about trauma related events that we STRIKE out of our own version of our life story.  Our story can often end up being completely incoherent because of these missing (and/or distorted) parts, but we go on telling our self and others these versions of our story as if they are the complete and whole truth.

This word, STRIKE, has a surprisingly complex story to tell all by itself.  At the same time we might think of it as a word connected to violence, it is also deeply connected in its roots to the life enhancing qualities of ‘light touch’ and ‘furrow’, as in agriculture = food to eat.

Interestingly, the ‘calm and connection’ arm of our vagus nerve system and our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) – and the oxytocin feel good bonding hormone’s release, are deeply tied to breast feeding, food and shared eating as well as to comforting touch.

In fact, looking at the meanings of this word, STRIKE, makes me think it is one word that might in fact lie very closely at the center of our whole human experience, right at the point where the ANS-vagus nerve system connects both to our fight/flight/flee/freeze stress and survival response as well as to our calm/peaceful/healing/connection response.

Is it somehow at this center point of our being that we decide what to approach and what to avoid in our story, what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, what to keep and what to discard, what to heave to heaven and what to cast into hell, and what is a secret to be buried away as a treasure?

This makes me think about my mother’s (and all Borderline’s) great difficulty with ambivalence.  There is ambivalence reflected in this word, STRIKE.  It contains within itself a wide range of paradox having to do with what can harm and hurt as well as to what can heal and sustain life:

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STRIKE

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): struck \ˈstrək\; struck also strick·en \ˈstri-kən\; strik·ing \ˈstrī-kiŋ\

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English strīcan to stroke, go; akin to Old High German strīhhan to stroke, Latin stringere to touch lightly, striga, stria furrow

Date: before 12th century

1 : to take a course : go <struck off through the brush>
2 a : to aim and usually deliver a blow, stroke, or thrust (as with the hand, a weapon, or a tool) b : to arrive with detrimental effect <disaster struck> c : to attempt to undermine or harm something as if by a blow <struck at…cherished notions — R. P. Warren>
3 : to come into contact forcefully <two ships struck in mid channel>
4 : to delete something
5 : to lower a flag usually in surrender
6 a : to become indicated by a clock, bell, or chime <the hour had just struck> b : to make known the time by sounding <the clock struck as they entered>
7 : pierce, penetrate <the wind seemed to strike through our clothes>
8 a : to engage in battle b : to make a military attack
9 : to become ignited <the match struck>
10 : to discover something <struck on a new plan of attack>
11 a : to pull on a fishing rod in order to set the hook b of a fish : to seize the bait
12 : dart, shoot
13 a of a plant cutting : to take root b of a seed : germinate
14 : to make an impression
15 : to stop work in order to force an employer to comply with demands
16 : to make a beginning <the need to strike vigorously for success>
17 : to thrust oneself forward <he struck into the midst of the argument>
18 : to work diligently : strivetransitive verb 1 a : to strike at : hit b : to drive or remove by or as if by a blow c : to attack or seize with a sharp blow (as of fangs or claws) <struck by a snake> d : inflict <strike a blow> e : to produce by or as if by a blow or stroke <Moses struck water from the rock> f : to separate by a sharp blow <strike off flints>
2 a : to haul down : lower <strike the sails> b : to dismantle and take away <strike the set> c : to strike the tents of (a camp)
3 : to afflict suddenly <stricken by a heart attack>
4 a : to engage in (a battle) : fight b : to make a military attack on
5 : delete, cancel <strike the last paragraph>
6 a : to penetrate painfully : pierce b : to cause to penetrate <strike the needle> c : to send down or out <struck roots deep into the soil>
7 a : to level (as a measure of grain) by scraping off what is above the rim b : to smooth or form (as a mold) with a tool
8 : to indicate by sounding <the clock struck one>
9 a (1) : to bring into forceful contact <struck his head on the doorjamb> (2) : to shake (hands) in confirming an agreement (3) : to thrust suddenly b : to come into contact or collision with <the car struck the tree> c of light : to fall on d of a sound : to become audible to
10 a : to affect with a mental or emotional state or a strong emotion <struck with horror at the sight> b : to affect a person with (a strong emotion) <words that struck fear in the listeners> c : to cause to become by or as if by a sudden blow <struck him dead>
11 a : to produce by stamping <strike a coin> b (1) : to produce (as fire) by or as if by striking (2) : to cause to ignite by friction <strike a match>
12 : to make and ratify the terms of <strike a bargain>
13 a : to play or produce by stroking keys or strings <struck a series of chords on the piano> b : to produce as if by playing an instrument <his voice struck a note of concern>
14 a : to hook (a fish) by a sharp pull on the line b of a fish : to snatch at (a bait)
15 a : to occur to <the answer struck me suddenly> b : to appear to especially as a revelation or as remarkable : impress <it struck the crowd as insensitive>
16 : bewitch
17 : to arrive at by or as if by computation <strike a balance>
18 a : to come to : attain b : to come upon : discover <strike gold>
19 : to engage in a strike against (an employer)
20 : take on, assume <strike a pose>
21 a : to place (a plant cutting) in a medium for growth and rooting b : to so propagate (a plant)
22 : to make one’s way along <will strike the southern coast>
23 : to cause (an arc) to form (as between electrodes of an arc lamp)
24 of an insect : to oviposit on or in

synonyms see affect

— strike it rich : to become rich usually suddenly

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STROKE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English strācian; akin to Old High German strīhhan to stroke — more at strike

Date: before 12th century

1 : to rub gently in one direction; also : caress
2 : to flatter or pay attention to in a manner designed to reassure or persuade

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In following STROKE’s connection to CARESS, something very much connected to secure attachment (and its resulting ability to signify its existence in early body-brain formative years through the existence of a person’s coherent life story) appears:

CARESS

Etymology: French caresser, from Italian carezzare, from carezza

Date: 1598

1 : to treat with tokens of fondness, affection, or kindness : cherish
2 a : to touch or stroke lightly in a loving or endearing manner b : to touch or affect as if with a caress <echoes that caress the ear>

CHERISH

Etymology: Middle English cherisshen, from Anglo-French cheriss-, stem of cherir to cherish, from cher dear, from Latin carus — more at charity

Date: 14th century

1 a : to hold dear : feel or show affection for <cherished her friends> b : to keep or cultivate with care and affection : nurture <cherishes his marriage>
2 : to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely <still cherishes that memory>

synonyms see appreciate

CHARITY

Inflected Form(s): plural char·i·ties

Etymology: Middle English charite, from Anglo-French charité, from Late Latin caritat-, caritas Christian love, from Latin, dearness, from carus dear; akin to Old Irish carae friend, Sanskrit kāma love

Date: 13th century

1 : benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity
2 a : generosity and helpfulness especially toward the needy or suffering; also : aid given to those in need b : an institution engaged in relief of the poor c : public provision for the relief of the needy
3 a : a gift for public benevolent purposes b : an institution (as a hospital) founded by such a gift
4 : lenient judgment of others

synonyms see mercy

LOVE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lēof dear, Latin lubēre, libēre to please

Date: before 12th century

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As long as I am following these words around here, like I might follow a narrow, bubbling and gurgling brook as it meanders through a forest, I will take a look at this, because when it comes to infant-child abuse, there is nothing PLEASING about it!  And certainly my mother did not love me and I did not PLEASE her – nor did she PLEASE me, nor was her treatment of me PLEASING!  My mother did not LIKE me, and she did not WISH I was her child.  In fact, she WISHED I had never been born or that I was dead and did not exist in her life at all.

PLEASE

Etymology: Middle English plesen, from Anglo-French plaisir, pleisir, pleire, from Latin placēre; akin to Latin placare to placate and perhaps to Greek plak-, plax flat surface — more at fluke

Date: 14th century

intransitive verb 1 : to afford or give pleasure or satisfaction
2 : like, wish <do as you please>

FLUKE

Etymology: Middle English floke, fluke, from Old English flōc; akin to Old English flōh chip, Old High German flah smooth, Greek plax flat surface, and probably to Old English flōr floor — more at floor

Date: before 12th century

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Unlike my body’s tear-trigger response to the word TREASURE as it might connect to what we value or discard, what we hide and what we might retrieve, my body’s reaction to what I see when I follow the connections between the words LOVE through PLEASE and end up at the word FLUKE are happening within my gut!

FLUKE – also means –

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1857

1 : an accidentally successful stroke at billiards or pool
2 : a stroke of luck <the discovery was a fluke>

But it is to the ‘before 12^th century’ roots of the word I have my reaction.  Like it or not, this word’s language connections, though the word FLOOR, end up exactly here – at STORY.  It is important to remember than the two hemispheres of our brain process word language differently.

The right brain – how shall I put this – THRIVES on multiple meanings of same-sounding words.  It DEVOURS them, PLAYS with them, EXPANDS itself with them, GROWS with them.  Unlike the left hemisphere which cannot possible know how to use any word until the right brain provides it with a context, and hence relates to words in a sequential manner related to tool use, the right brain has a PASSION for words, which it relates to as if words are LIVING beings full of a life force and a living history of their own.

So when I say that HERE is a stunning connection to my topic I did not expect, that in the word FLUKE I find STORY, I am talking about a right brain hemisphere reaction tied directly (evidently) to my emotional ‘threat and fear of threat – danger’ response in my body (through my amygdala) right brain response to this connection.

This happens in part because what happened to me, the entire life-devastation of terrible trauma and abuse, happened because of one FLUKE:  I was a breach birth.  As it happened, that FLUKE determined the course of my life – and through its consequences, the lives of my father and all five of my siblings to one extent or another.  (More on this elsewhere.)

Coupled also with my body’s reaction to FLUKE is the fact that my mother ALWAYS treated me as if I was the monster, the FLUKE of a child that wasn’t human and came here to do the work of the devil.

Which meaning of the word FLUKE is my body reacting to through my right brain?  What context is my left hemisphere going to use to think with in words?  Let’s find out.

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FLOOR

Etymology: Middle English flor, from Old English flōr; akin to Old High German fluor meadow, Latin planus level, and perhaps to Greek planasthai to wander

Date: before 12th century

1 : the level base of a room
2 a : the lower inside surface of a hollow structure (as a cave or bodily part) b : a ground surface <the ocean floor>
3 a : a structure dividing a building into stories; also : story b : the occupants of such a floor
4 : the surface of a structure on which one travels <the floor of a bridge>
5 a : a main level space (as in a stock exchange or legislative chamber) distinguished from a platform or gallery b : the specially prepared or marked area on which indoor sports events take place c : the members of an assembly <took questions from the floor> d : the right to address an assembly <the senator from Utah has the floor>
6 : a lower limit : base

— floored adjective

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I would be very surprised to find that any readers have followed along with me this far on my learning exploration and expedition about attachment-related concepts as the connect to our ability or dis-ability to tell a coherent life story.

But now my brain is making what is to me a significant connection:  What events and experiences we include in our life story are, from a right brain hemisphere point of view, really the living OCCUPANTS within the story in the same way that OCCUPANTS might occupy floors of a building.

In addition, as my right and left brain now negotiate together in a cooperative way the actual ordering, sequencing and meaning they are working out here – heaving something up to heaven or throwing it down into the obscurity of hell is ACTUALLY also about levels, or floors of our mental dwelling:  UP a few floors – or – DOWN a few floors!

Obviously I have to WANDER (notice this word’s connection to FLOOR above) off and take a look at the essential word STORY, first by following the active link in the above definition.  Fascinatingly I find that the link Webster’s includes leads to THIS meaning of STORY, not the building meaning:

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STORY

Etymology: Middle English storie, from Anglo-French estoire, estorie, from Latin historia — more at history

Date: 13th century

1 archaic a : history 1 b : history 3
2 a : an account of incidents or events b : a statement regarding the facts pertinent to a situation in question c : anecdote; especially : an amusing one
3 a : a fictional narrative shorter than a novel; specifically : short story b : the intrigue or plot of a narrative or dramatic work
4 : a widely circulated rumor
5 : lie, falsehood
6 : legend, romance
7 : a news article or broadcast
8 : matter, situation

and then to the later 14^th century connection between the two meanings in our language:

STORY

Etymology: Middle English storie, from Medieval Latin historia narrative, illustration, story of a building, from Latin, history, tale; probably from narrative friezes on the window level of medieval buildings

Date: 14th century

1 a : the space in a building between two adjacent floor levels or between a floor and the roof b : a set of rooms in such a space c : a unit of measure equal to the height of the story of a building <one story high>
2 : a horizontal division of a building’s exterior not necessarily corresponding exactly with the stories within

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Both hemispheres of my brain are stymied right here.  Where to go?  Nothing in the two accounts of STORY above go back to before the 12^th century.  Where do I find the older connections I hunger for and thrive on?

Or should I say “we?”  Both of my two brains are asking these questions.  If “we” follow HISTORY we get here, but this isn’t an old enough connection, either.  It’s fascinating, though!  INQUIRY.  KNOWING.  TO KNOW – and more at WIT?

These word relationships lead us right into and through searching, researching, seeking and knowing, into leading and following.  It is at SEEK that I finally find the ‘before 12^th century’ origins that I am SEEKING:

HISTORY

Etymology: Middle English histoire, historie, from Anglo-French estoire, histoire, from Latin historia, from Greek, inquiry, history, from histōr, istōr knowing, learned; akin to Greek eidenai to know — more at wit

Date: 14th century

1 : tale, story
2 a : a chronological record of significant events (as affecting a nation or institution) often including an explanation of their causes b : a treatise presenting systematically related natural phenomena c : an account of a patient’s medical background d : an established record <a prisoner with a history of violence>
3 : a branch of knowledge that records and explains past events <medieval history>
4 a : events that form the subject matter of a history b : events of the past c : one that is finished or done for <the winning streak was history> <you’re history> d : previous treatment, handling, or experience (as of a metal)

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INQUIRY

Date: 15th century

1 : examination into facts or principles : research
2 : a request for information
3 : a systematic investigation often of a matter of public interest

INQUIRE

Etymology: Middle English enquiren, from Anglo-French enquerre, from Vulgar Latin *inquaerere, alteration of Latin inquirere, from in- + quaerere to seek

Date: 13th century

transitive verb 1 : to ask about <some kindred spirit shall inquire thy fate — Thomas Gray>
2 : to search into : investigate

SEEK

Etymology: Middle English seken, from Old English sēcan; akin to Old High German suohhen to seek, Latin sagus prophetic, Greek hēgeisthai to lead

Date: before 12th century

transitive verb 1 : to resort to : go to
2 a : to go in search of : look for b : to try to discover
3 : to ask for : request <seeks advice>
4 : to try to acquire or gain : aim at <seek fame>
5 : to make an attempt : try —used with to and an infinitive <governments…seek to keep the bulk of their people contented — D. M. Potter>intransitive verb 1 : to make a search or inquiry
2 a : to be sought b : to be lacking <in critical judgment…they were sadly to seek — Times Literary Supplement>

— seek·er noun

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AHHH!  My body is reacting with a tremulous, near-to-touching-awe thrill at this, now.  SEEKING is tied in its origins to PROPHETIC.

As a storyteller spins a tale, the listeners are anticipating what is coming next each step of the way.  The teller leads the listener through the tale, but only the teller actually knows – like a prophet – where the story is going.

Seekers have benefited through the ages by the wisdom of our species passed through story.  If we bind ourselves up in our thinking and feeling to the very large group of people who are our shared family within our species, and remember that all our stories have meaning and value and something to show and teach – most often most significantly in the past the stories of trauma, what happened, how we survived, how all might prepare for something similar to happen in the future – we realize that STORY is vital to the survival of us all.

At the same time we cast out the most troublesome parts (or occupants) of our story, we are at the same time leaving out information that is actually extremely important.

This word-based search through the words related to STORY tell me that stories are about seeking, leading and following.  But I don’t want to lose track of an important connection that is made to STORY in its relationship to WIT.  In fact, this little three letter word might just be the key that fits into the lock that opens to us the whole wide spectrum of what STORY is and does:

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WIT – verb

Inflected Form(s): wist \ˈwist\; wit·ting present 1st & 3d singular wot \ˈwät\

Etymology: Middle English witen (1st & 3d singular present wot, past wiste), from Old English witan (1st & 3d singular present wāt, past wisse, wiste); akin to Old High German wizzan to know, Latin vidēre to see, Greek eidenai to know, idein to see

Date: before 12th century

1 archaic : know
2 archaic : to come to know : learn

WIT – noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old High German wizzi knowledge, Old English witan to know

Date: before 12th century

1 a : mind, memory b : reasoning power : intelligence
2 a : sense 2a —usually used in plural <alone and warming his five wits, the white owl in the belfry sits — Alfred Tennyson> b (1) : mental soundness : sanity —usually used in plural (2) : mental capability and resourcefulness : ingenuity
3 a : astuteness of perception or judgment : acumen b : the ability to relate seemingly disparate things so as to illuminate or amuse c (1) : a talent for banter or persiflage (2) : a witty utterance or exchange d : clever or apt humor
4 a : a person of superior intellect : thinker b : an imaginatively perceptive and articulate individual especially skilled in banter or persiflage

— at one’s wit’s end or at one’s wits’ end : at a loss for a means of solving a problem

synonyms wit, humor, irony, sarcasm, satire, repartee mean a mode of expression intended to arouse amusement. wit suggests the power to evoke laughter by remarks showing verbal felicity or ingenuity and swift perception especially of the incongruous <a playful wit>. humor implies an ability to perceive the ludicrous, the comical, and the absurd in human life and to express these usually without bitterness <a sense of humor>. irony applies to a manner of expression in which the intended meaning is the opposite of what is seemingly expressed <the irony of the title>. sarcasm applies to expression frequently in the form of irony that is intended to cut or wound <given to heartless sarcasm>. satire applies to writing that exposes or ridicules conduct, doctrines, or institutions either by direct criticism or more often through irony, parody, or caricature <a satire on the Congress>. repartee implies the power of answering quickly, pointedly, or wittily <a dinner guest noted for repartee>.

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But here is something that really surprises me, and brings within my body a feeling of hope, excitement and anticipation.  What we are doing when we tell any story, and for my purposes here, what we do as we tell our own life story is we NARRATE:

NARRATE

Etymology: Latin narratus, past participle of narrare, from Latin gnarus knowing; akin to Latin gnoscere, noscere to know — more at know

Date: 1656

: to tell (as a story) in detail; also : to provide spoken commentary for (as a movie or television show)

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Again, a new-baby word into the English language, but look at is origins, roots and connection.  My search has ‘looped me around’ back again to this word:  KNOW

KNOW

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English cnāwan; akin to Old High German bichnāan to recognize, Latin gnoscere, noscere to come to know, Greek gignōskein

Date: before 12th century

transitive verb 1 a (1) : to perceive directly : have direct cognition of (2) : to have understanding of <importance of knowing oneself> (3) : to recognize the nature of : discern b (1) : to recognize as being the same as something previously known (2) : to be acquainted or familiar with (3) : to have experience of
2 a : to be aware of the truth or factuality of : be convinced or certain of b : to have a practical understanding of <knows how to write>
3 archaic : to have sexual intercourse withintransitive verb 1 : to have knowledge
2 : to be or become cognizant —sometimes used interjectionally with you especially as a filler in informal speech

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KNOW is an old word.  Its origins cause me to immediately connect it to this word which did not enter modern English until the 15^th century:

OBSCURE

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French oscur, obscur, from Latin obscurus

Date: 15th century

1 a : dark, dim b : shrouded in or hidden by darkness c : not clearly seen or easily distinguished : faint <obscure markings>
2 : not readily understood or clearly expressed; also : mysterious
3 : relatively unknown: as a : remote, secluded <an obscure village> b : not prominent or famous <an obscure poet>

synonyms obscure, dark, vague, enigmatic, cryptic, ambiguous, equivocal mean not clearly understandable. obscure implies a hiding or veiling of meaning through some inadequacy of expression or withholding of full knowledge <obscure poems>. dark implies an imperfect or clouded revelation often with ominous or sinister suggestion <muttered dark hints of revenge>. vague implies a lack of clear formulation due to inadequate conception or consideration <a vague sense of obligation>. enigmatic stresses a puzzling, mystifying quality <enigmatic occult writings>. cryptic implies a purposely concealed meaning <cryptic hints of hidden treasure>. ambiguous applies to language capable of more than one interpretation <an ambiguous directive>. equivocal applies to language left open to differing interpretations with the intention of deceiving or evading <moral precepts with equivocal phrasing>

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What we know about our self in the world is first determined by what happens to us within the society and culture of our family.  Our family is also, obviously, influenced by society and culture.  Societies and cultures exist because they share story-based heritages.

What is accepted within a culture can far more easily be heaved into the light of day and be allowed to remain an occupant of story.  What is not accepted can be cast DOWN rather than UP, ejected and exiled from story.

It is here that we can seek and find the troublesome conflicts that contribute to an insecurely-attached person’s incoherent telling (narration) of their own trauma-filled story:  OBSCURE – synonyms obscure, dark, vague, enigmatic, cryptic, ambiguous, equivocal mean not clearly understandable.

Our culture-society influences what is desirable to cling to and what is not.  It helps us know what to approach and what to avoid, what to include and what to exclude in our lives and therefore in our story of our life.

Throughout human evolution the darkness has held more dangers than the light.  I believe that even our most ancient memories as a species, from way back before we even had access to the light of fire, are recorded in our DNA and its ‘operating machinery’.  The roots of our physical being are very old and very deep – and very powerful.

Our species succeeded in its survival because we could flexibly adapt to our environment, learning what offered us safety and security and what did not.

Experiences with traumatic events could not be ignored, banished, or cast out of our specie’s stories because the lessons transmitted about survival were vital.  Why do we experience pressure today to banish our trauma tales?  How do we discriminate today between what is good or bad enough to be added to our life’s narrative story?

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DARK

Etymology: Middle English derk, from Old English deorc; akin to Old High German tarchannen to hide

Date: before 12th century

1 a : devoid or partially devoid of light : not receiving, reflecting, transmitting, or radiating light <a dark room> b : transmitting only a portion of light <dark glasses>
2 a : wholly or partially black <dark clothing> b of a color : of low or very low lightness c : being less light in color than other substances of the same kind <dark rum>
3 a : arising from or showing evil traits or desires : evil <the dark powers that lead to war> b : dismal, gloomy <had a dark view of the future> c : lacking knowledge or culture : unenlightened <a dark period in history> d : relating to grim or depressing circumstances <dark humor>
4 a : not clear to the understanding b : not known or explored because of remoteness <the darkest reaches of the continent>
5 : not fair in complexion : swarthy
6 : secret <kept his plans dark>
7 : possessing depth and richness <a dark voice>
8 : closed to the public <the theater is dark in the summer

synonyms see obscure

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LIGHT

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lēoht; akin to Old High German lioht light, Latin luc-, lux light, lucēre to shine, Greek leukos white

Date: before 12th century

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BLACK

Etymology: Middle English blak, from Old English blæc; akin to Old High German blah black, and probably to Latin flagrare to burn, Greek phlegein

Date: before 12th century

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WHITE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hwīt; akin to Old High German hwīz white and probably to Old Church Slavic světŭ light, Sanskrit śveta white, bright

Date: before 12th century

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EVIL

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English yfel; akin to Old High German ubil evil

Date: before 12th century

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GOOD

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English gōd; akin to Old High German guot good, Middle High German gatern to unite, Sanskrit gadhya what one clings to

Date: before 12th century

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In essence, it is what WOUNDS us that holds the most survival information to help lead us (as individuals and as a species) away from what will WOUND us in the future.  It is the PROPHETIC capacity of telling the story of these wounds that has always been one of the great protective factors of continued human survival.

WOUND

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English wund; akin to Old High German wunta wound

Date: before 12th century

HELP

helpan; akin to Old High German helfan to help, and perhaps to Lithuanian šelpti

Date: before 12th century

HARM

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hearm; akin to Old High German harm injury, Old Church Slavic sramŭ shame

Date: before 12th century

SHAME

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English scamu; akin to Old High German scama shame

Date: before 12th century

1 a : a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b : the susceptibility to such emotion <have you no shame?>
2 : a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute : ignominy <the shame of being arrested>
3 a : something that brings censure or reproach; also : something to be regretted : pity <it’s a shame you can’t go> b : a cause of feeling shame

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It is to a large extent the power of culture that determines what will be acceptable and what will not be to allow continued connection with other members of that culture.  SHAME, which can first physiologically be felt with the development of the nervous system, particularly the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) with its connection to our vagus nerve, that modulates rupture and repair of human relationships.

When humans wound one another inappropriately, it IS appropriate for SHAME to be experienced.  But often that SHAME cannot be physiologically felt by the perpetrator and ends up being carried by the victim instead.

To the degree that we carry our perpetrators’ SHAME, we end up casting out as unacceptable those portions of our own life story that BELONG to us.  When we do this we create for our own self an incoherent narrative story of our life.

It doesn’t take much passage of time past the physiological stage of development at age one when SHAME can actually be experienced that humans begin to gain the ability to know RIGHT from WRONG.

But even a look into the origin and meaning of these two ideas shows me that what is WRONG – that which causes an immediate rupture or STOP even in our ANS is often more clear to us than what might be RIGHT so that we can repair the problem and get on with our living.

WRONG is just simply that:  WRONG.  But RIGHT?  How DO we ‘straighten’ out the WRONG and make things RIGHT?

WRONG

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English wrang, from *wrang, adjective, wrong

Date: before 12th century

1 a : an injurious, unfair, or unjust act : action or conduct inflicting harm without due provocation or just cause b : a violation or invasion of the legal rights of another; especially : tort
2 : something wrong, immoral, or unethical; especially : principles, practices, or conduct contrary to justice, goodness, equity, or law
3 : the state, position, or fact of being or doing wrong: as a : the state of being mistaken or incorrect b : the state of being guilty

synonyms see injustice

RIGHT

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English riht; akin to Old High German reht right, Latin rectus straight, right, regere to lead straight, direct, rule, rogare to ask, Greek oregein to stretch out

Date: before 12th century

1 : righteous, upright
2 : being in accordance with what is just, good, or proper <right conduct>
3 : conforming to facts or truth : correct <the right answer>
4 : suitable, appropriate <the right man for the job>
5 : straight <a right line>
6 : genuine, real
7 a : of, relating to, situated on, or being the side of the body which is away from the side on which the heart is mostly located b : located nearer to the right hand than to the left c : located to the right of an observer facing the object specified or directed as the right arm would point when raised out to the side d (1) : located on the right of an observer facing in the same direction as the object specified <stage right> (2) : located on the right when facing downstream <the right bank of a river> e : done with the right hand <a right hook to the jaw>
8 : having the axis perpendicular to the base <right cone>
9 : of, relating to, or constituting the principal or more prominent side of an object <made sure the socks were right side out>
10 : acting or judging in accordance with truth or fact <time proved her right>
11 a : being in good physical or mental health or order <not in his right mind> b : being in a correct or proper state <put things right>
12 : most favorable or desired : preferable; also : socially acceptable <knew all the right people>
13 often capitalized : of, adhering to, or constituted by the Right especially in politics

synonyms see correct

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It is in this word, CORRECT, that I now see how where I started writing today ends up at the same place I started:  to make or set right : amend <correct an error

CORRECT

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin correctus, past participle of corrigere, from com- + regere to lead straight — more at right

Date: 14th century

1 a : to make or set right : amend <correct an error> b : counteract, neutralize <correct a harmful tendency> c : to alter or adjust so as to bring to some standard or required condition <correct a lens for spherical aberration>
2 a : to punish (as a child) with a view to reforming or improving b : to point out usually for amendment the errors or faults of <spent the day correcting tests>

synonyms correct, rectify, emend, remedy, redress, amend, reform, revise mean to make right what is wrong. correct implies taking action to remove errors, faults, deviations, defects <correct your spelling>. rectify implies a more essential changing to make something right, just, or properly controlled or directed <rectify a misguided policy>. emend specifically implies correction of a text or manuscript <emend a text>. remedy implies removing or making harmless a cause of trouble, harm, or evil <set out to remedy the evils of the world>. redress implies making compensation or reparation for an unfairness, injustice, or imbalance <redress past social injustices>. amend, reform, revise imply an improving by making corrective changes, amend usually suggesting slight changes <amend a law>, reform implying drastic change <plans to reform the court system>, and revise suggesting a careful examination of something and the making of necessary changes <revise the schedule>.

synonyms see in addition punish

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It was my suspicion in the beginning that improving the coherency in the telling (narration) of our life story at the same time heals us and that healing our self improves the coherency of our story.

Doing something correctly and correcting a wrong are intimately tied together.

I am back to the image of mending fences – and making AMENDS.

I find the inclusion of the images and ideas related both to BEGGAR and CHARITY are implicated in this exploration of the words related to story.  As I presented earlier, CHARITY is connected to what is pleasing and can be loved.  In contrast, what about BEGGAR as it relates to the word AMEND?

Here is the connection again:

MEND

Etymology: Middle English, short for amenden — more at amend

Date: 13th century

transitive verb 1 : to free from faults or defect

Date: 14th century – noun

1 : an act of mending : repair
2 : a mended place

— on the mend : getting better : improving

AMEND

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French amender, modification of Latin emendare, from e, ex out + menda fault; akin to Latin mendax lying, mendicus beggar, and perhaps to Sanskrit mindā physical defect

Date: 13th century

BEGGAR

Etymology: Middle English beggere, beggare, from beggen to beg + -ere, -are ²-er

Date: 13th century

BEG

Etymology: Middle English beggen

Date: 13th century

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Being defective and not being able to hold one’s own or provide for self or contribute to survival of the whole no doubt caused extreme difficulties throughout the history of our species.  Is there a remnant of active ancestral memory within us that pushes us to hide the truth of our traumas so that we APPEAR healthy and not as defective BEGGARS?

If this is part of what influences what we include in the narration of our life story, then we are talking about continuing to stay alive and preserve our life by not being rejected (again) by our social group.  If NOT appearing as defective beggars means improving our chances of continued survival, of course we would leave parts of our story out!  (Notice root connections to LYING in AMEND).  Both DIE and LIVE are simple, old words, and which attracts and which repels is obvious:

DIE

Etymology: Middle English dien, from or akin to Old Norse deyja to die; akin to Old High German touwen to die

Date: 12th century

LIVE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English libban; akin to Old High German lebēn to live

Date: before 12th century

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So, if we have to lie to our self and to everyone else about how great our life story is by leaving out the not-so-good parts so we can preserve our life as a part of the social group, then of course the holes in our incoherent life story are a small price to pay!

But if what we leave it is really important for the education of our ‘group’ so that future trauma can be prepared for or avoided, then we are doing THEM harm as well as our self.

Either way, life and/or death are at the center of the entire picture of what our story MEANS and how and why we construct it the way that we do.  Maybe there’s nothing mysterious about the process of constructing our story.  What do we narrate about our used house or our used car if we have a buyer on the line?  What do we HEAVE up to their attention and what do we cast DOWN in hidden places out of the light of day?

Because we are members of a social species, our connection to each other has always been vital throughout our history.  Being cast away or being helpless has always been a risk factor to be avoided if possible.  We are going to NATURALLY present our self in the best light possible if we can.  I think this motivation is so innately a part of us that to actually OBTAIN consciousness about what we include versus what we exclude in our life story is NOT a natural process.  But we make vast conscious improvements on what nature does automatically.

But for those of us with very severely traumatic and abusive infant-childhoods, the chances of us consciously being able to include the BAD parts is even less because our physiological development automatically built into us ‘release channels’.  The stress hormones operating in our overwhelmed growing body-brain actually obliterated most of the facts of our experience from our memory for us.  Coupled with the fact that many of these experience happened to us before we had words, the chances of us being able to include them, then, into a verbal narrative is obviously extremely difficult.

But all of these experiences DID record themselves into our growing and developing body-brain.  We cannot do anything about this fact.  Everything that has ever happened to is a part of US.

It is possible for us to understand these processes and to include the probability that trauma and abuse existed in our early life even if we cannot PROVE it to anyone, or POINT to the facts.  If we have a SENSE that these traumas were present – they were.

And, we need to remember that it took a very long span of time in our evolutionary past not only to gain verbal abilities (about 140,000 years ago), but to differentiate ourselves as individuals separate from our ‘group’.   (We will never be wholly separated.)  We correspondingly have only progressively come to OWN our OWN stories.  The knowledge of people’s lives belonged, over the span of our evolution, to the group.

As we now find ourselves involved in a process of telling our life story so that we can sell our self as acceptable members of our species, we should not be surprised.  Yet our story – in our culture – DOES belong to us individually, and we can give ourselves permission to decide as consciously as possible how inclusive we want to be about the truth of our own experience.

If trauma has caused huge pieces of our past to be missing from us forever, we can simply include this fact in our story.  Doing so will add to the coherency of our narrative.  Dissociation brain processes are natural.  They always happened then and happen now for a reason.  Yet the sense of self disorganization-disorientation-depersonalization-derealization that often accompanies severe early infant-child trauma and abuse survivorship is a PART of our story because it is a part of who we are in our body.  This does not make us ‘faulty beggars’ to be even further rejected (or ejected) from our ‘group’.

All of these facts might seem obvious, but I suspect that deeply tied to my ancient specie’s memory I know that I could be seen to be faulty by association with the traumatic circumstances of my life.  I therefore have built into me automatic ways to physiologically alter the way I see my life – the way I tell myself my own story and the way I tell it to others.  Every little bit of consciousness I can bring to the whole dang mess is to my benefit!

I didn’t create the hell of my childhood.  I didn’t create the changes that hell forced upon my growing and developing body-brain.  I might like what happened to me.  Others might not like to hear about it.  But this IS my story – And I’m Sticking To It.

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