+NOTES – 02/27/2017 – “Feeling – here or not here?”


Monday, February 27, 2017.  What is this feeling?  Will it go away – ever?  I haven’t ALWAYS felt this way, this feeling, that has no name.

Maybe it’s “depersonalization,” the feeling state I have for so many years considered to be a part of dissociation.

I am obviously here.

But I do not FEEL HERE.  Not that “feeling felt” experience of REALLY being HERE.  All here.


A sense of waiting.  A sense of being BOTH visible (to self and to others – as I am here alone) – a sense of deep loneliness – which I guess is that chronic and perennial sadness.  Something I hate.  Something – a state, a feeling, a feeling state – I want to evaporate, go away, do not come to me again.

Those I miss.  dear to me, missing them

places I miss

not having a sense of being HOME – in so many ways = not with secure attachment people here = not carrying that FEELING of love to and from them with me = very well BOTH autism and from severe abuse = the pain, it’s probably not from the autism

though both of these conditions contribute to one another this way = autism would have required an investment from SOMEONE who cared, truly loved and cared, for me.

Opposite happened, that is for sure


If I just had people I could call and talk to – connect with – an array there for me when I feel this way – not realistic?  Evidently not….


I feel ‘in the air’ – I miss Bisbee area although not certain – yet – if I ‘need’ to go back there.  I hate even needing to think about how different my life is than it was 5 years ago – steam roller has kept on going – and I feel like I have been run over by it far more than once!

I ran after life until 2004 when my last ‘baby’ left home – I have felt pretty damn LOST ever since.


that’s a really good feeling for this.  LOST and ALONE – great uncertainty and very little confidence I can make myself ‘better’ in getting thru the rest of my life (alone, of course).


and restless.  when one feels lost there is no sense of rest, tranquility.

feeling trapped, as well.  missing a feeling of completion.  of satisfaction.  of accomplishment of something that matters.

is this also tied to aging?  not having kids to raise and care for?


I need to get well enough that I can find a way to help others….