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Monday, February 27, 2017.  What is this feeling?  Will it go away – ever?  I haven’t ALWAYS felt this way, this feeling, that has no name.

Maybe it’s “depersonalization,” the feeling state I have for so many years considered to be a part of dissociation.

I am obviously here.

But I do not FEEL HERE.  Not that “feeling felt” experience of REALLY being HERE.  All here.

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A sense of waiting.  A sense of being BOTH visible (to self and to others – as I am here alone) – a sense of deep loneliness – which I guess is that chronic and perennial sadness.  Something I hate.  Something – a state, a feeling, a feeling state – I want to evaporate, go away, do not come to me again.

Those I miss.  dear to me, missing them

places I miss

not having a sense of being HOME – in so many ways = not with secure attachment people here = not carrying that FEELING of love to and from them with me = very well BOTH autism and from severe abuse = the pain, it’s probably not from the autism

though both of these conditions contribute to one another this way = autism would have required an investment from SOMEONE who cared, truly loved and cared, for me.

Opposite happened, that is for sure

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If I just had people I could call and talk to – connect with – an array there for me when I feel this way – not realistic?  Evidently not….

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I feel ‘in the air’ – I miss Bisbee area although not certain – yet – if I ‘need’ to go back there.  I hate even needing to think about how different my life is than it was 5 years ago – steam roller has kept on going – and I feel like I have been run over by it far more than once!

I ran after life until 2004 when my last ‘baby’ left home – I have felt pretty damn LOST ever since.

LOST

that’s a really good feeling for this.  LOST and ALONE – great uncertainty and very little confidence I can make myself ‘better’ in getting thru the rest of my life (alone, of course).

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and restless.  when one feels lost there is no sense of rest, tranquility.

feeling trapped, as well.  missing a feeling of completion.  of satisfaction.  of accomplishment of something that matters.

is this also tied to aging?  not having kids to raise and care for?

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I need to get well enough that I can find a way to help others….