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A Shaman Daughter

Fourth Thought

Monday, March 3, 2008

Where is the balance between hope and disappointment?  I suppose I was always disappointed as a child, continuously because I was born innocent, expecting love, and none came.

I wonder if all of my intense emotions when I experience them are actually PTSD memories, and I could just assume if they are intense, they are not of the present even if connected to the present and triggered by the present.  If they are intense and difficult, they are probably from the past – and it is the past that I am reexperiencing in the present.

That would make them ghosts.  Ghosts that possess my body and amplify in ridiculous and difficult proportions my experiences in the present.

I cannot handle disappointment, the anti Christ of hope.  It is abnormally painful to me, nearly excruciatingly so.  I doubt many can understand this, probably only those who were similarly abused from birth as I was.  It makes no sense otherwise, and has to be considered in this context.

ER had to go out on the road right when I called him after I got off of work, nearly 1 ¼ hours ago.  I called him now to find out where he was, and he got irritated that I didn’t wait for his call like he said.  But how do I know he didn’t forget about me?  I don’t trust him to call if he says he will – and I have way more investment in seeing him than he does in seeing me.  VERY unfortunately for me.

This has to tie in with waiting and impatience.

It makes the simplest “transactions” in life so much more complicated and difficult for me.  As Tomkin would say, it creates a massive energy deficit, energy debt in the body, and I believe has something to do with my getting 2 cancers.

I guess maybe this is where the strength of endurance comes in – that I could survive 18 years of constant disappointment.  That I learned not to want anything or hope for anything, and that is the trouble with ER.  I want to see him, and then I have hope – and the disappointment is terrible and way too big – tied as it is through PTSD with all those years and years of constant disappointments.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The fact that I cannot deal with anyone’s anger prevents me from totally being honest.  I am afraid of the power ER has over me, afraid of loss, don’t trust him enough to speak my true truth to him.  This is a loss for both of us – an erosion of my confidence – a recognition of my truth that I don’t mean that much to him.

Is couching the truth the same thing as telling the truth?

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*Age 57 – Dec. 2007 – July 2008 – (A Shaman Daughter Pages)

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