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A Shaman Daughter

Seventeenth Thought

Monday, July 28, 2008

Tomorrow I have my last Herceptin treatment.  Today I feel worn out.  Worn out from my life.

I ordered a book on dissociation and psychopathy.  I read a few of the pages from it online.  I read about the agent as self, about child abuse – how bad it can be and what can happen to people as a result.

It was talking about “multiple personalities” and about how many of them are really archetypal personas, and it mentioned the shaman healer as being one of them.  What a strange thought to consider after all this writing.  None of ever really get to be that unique in this lifetime.  I suppose what we are supposed to aim for is an eclectic mix of archetypal personages rather than ending up with one that is rigidly formed one way or the other.

I am thinking about starting another book just on dealing with trauma head on to try to take my experience and somehow throw something out there especially for this generation of soldiers that are coming back and will come back from this eastern war.  Do I really know anything?  How could I not, having spent my entire life immersed in it from birth?  Dare I find out?

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I feel my chemo doctor undermined my entire treatment and sabotaged any sense of victory and well being that I had worked so hard this last year to attain by his comments when I saw him 3 weeks ago.  There was nothing funny about what he said.

“I wouldn’t bother to get breast reconstruction if I were you, you won’t be around long enough to enjoy them anyway.  And when the cancer comes back, we’d just have to cut them off again anyway.”  I wish I could sue him for that!  He destroyed my confidence in his own methods of treatment.  He said, “You have to think how big that tumor was when you walked in that door.”  I responded to him, “I don’t have to think about how big it was when I walked in that door.  I think about how small it was when you were done with it.”

He said the wrong thing to me in the wrong way and the wrong time.  Just when I was beginning to feel better, so much better.  I don’t know what to do with this information.  What use was it for him to tell me that, especially in that manner?  How evil, mean and destructive that was!  Abusive!  But knowing that doesn’t take away what he said, or my reaction to it.  What kind of a healer shaman is he?  A dark one.  A very dark one.

And I know I am especially vulnerable to input like that.  There’s 18 years of torture inside of me for it to stick to and get mixed up with.  It just scares me and makes me very very sad.  It’s like I have to start from scratch, start all over again fighting this to get to a positive, hopeful attitude place.  How dare he do that to me!  What right does he think he has?

When I talked to Beebe at Dr. Jenkins, the surgeon who referred me to him, about this, she told me to confront him.  How insane is that?  And wrong!  As wrong as he was!

I want to say, “Who even wants to be in a world with that much darkness in it?”

That was a corrosive and erosive thing to say to me.  It was cruel.  I need no more cruelty done to my, I’ve had enough already to last me forever.

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*Age 57 – Dec. 2007 – July 2008 – (A Shaman Daughter Pages)

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