The rest of the sentence?  Don’t call me easy-going!

There are places in my mother’s letters during the years of my young childhood where she wrote to her mother that I was “easy-going.”  Nope!  I was beaten and beaten down by abuse and lived in a world reined in by intolerable sadness – except for the inner sanctum of my self held so near to me in my heart – because I had never had a chance to get out!

What options did I have but to not resist?  I did what I had to survive – and showing NOTHING of myself as a person to Mother was a big part of what my survival demanded of me.

I am not easy-going now.  “Self soothing” is something I work to accomplish, and when events loom within and without that make demands on my resources, I do not respond to them in an easy-going way.  I am an INTENSE person.

I remember when I was in art therapy graduate school a classmate noted that “intense” is being “in tense.”  She meant IN THE PRESENT TENSE – in the moment – deeply engaged in experiencing my life.

Well, on Sunday morning I will be participating in a wonderfully generous gift from my youngest (baby!) brother.  I am leaving Arizona to spend five days with him where he lives in Alaska.  This will probably include three days with him on his 60′ yacht-trawler somewhere in Alaska waters. 

Yet traveling is anxiety producing to me.  I am working toward preparing myself in every way to actually ENJOY myself!  I will be stopping in Seattle for a few days to visit family there before I return home on the 11th of June.

I have a friend who loves to come stay in my home when I am gone to keep an eye on things and to relax in this quiet little neighborhood. 

I am very fortunate and grateful!  Away from the seriousness of my writing work I hope to reacquaint  myself with a quieter side of me.  I am thrilled to spend some time with my brother and family.  “Bon Voyage!”  I hope my going (and coming home again) is easy!!


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6 thoughts on “+YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING – BUT…

  1. Bon Voyage! I’ll be thinking of you. Great you can get away to Alaska
    – and when its warm. Have you ever tried listening to an mp3 player
    while travelling? I find it helps so much because I have pink and white
    Noise and binaural beats on it which are supposed to get your brain
    Into a similar wave state to the music. I fall asleep easier when I listen
    And its definitely meditative. Good for travelling in the bus when I feel
    Overwhelmed by the noise and presence of lots of others.
    Have a wonderful time soaking up nature and being with family.

    • Hi dear Gingercat! Yes, the experience can be quite overwhelming – especially no smoking for 11 hours – but last time I made it with the nicorette gum OK – I tried a mp3 player and took it back, I absolutely could not get a handle on the technology. They totally pack the planes these days – yet getting away from here – being given that opportunity – is a great blessing.

      I haven’t seen my youngest son who lives in Seattle for over 3 years – so the stop there on the way home (my sis and her partner and daughters live there, too) will be quite a morale booster!!!!!

      My daughter arranged to take next week off to edit Story Without Words – forgetting I will be completely out of contact! That’s interesting. Hopefully she can wend her way thru that task without having access to me – and when I return there will be an ebook uploaded! Do you have a way to read an ebook?

      There still remains the quandry on the book’s cover. Of course – nothing can quite be SIMPLE! I will not be available to make that choice, either. Trusting my children to do what I cannot do – well that is also quite an experience. It means THE WORLD to me to get at least one of the 10 waiting manuscripts actually published.

      Keeping dissociation at bay while traveling is essential – but I’ve done it before. I believe I have window seats – and watching that world seems like a miracle by itself. Traveling like that – seems to somehow free me to feel like the person I COULD have been – had all that trauma never happened to me. Like I can so temporarily be a part of the options that really are not now a part of my life. It takes a ‘being in the bigger flow’ state of being – that I hope comes to me easily as I venture off.

      I am planning to spend a little time in Alaska with Joe Anne Vanover, my mother’s friend of 47 years who is so invested in reading the manuscripts and in providing her insights. She is an inspirational 84!!!! Thank you for your thoughts and love!!!!! xoxo

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