It’s a rare occurrence for me to pick up a book and read it, but one of my sisters has not only highly recommended this one, but has sent me a copy —

This is a memoir written by a woman raised by a schizophrenic mother.  I am immediately touched by the author’s sincerity, humility, honesty and compassion.
I told my sister that I remain standing still in the middle of a crossroads regarding the writing of my own book.  My hope is that by the time I finish reading this book I will be able to move off of this point of dead center myself.  Time will tell…..
In the meantime I am preparing this morning to go off on a small adventure as I accompany a friend to his doctor’s appointments in Tucson (about 90 miles north west from where I live).  I rarely have an opportunity to travel anywhere with anyone, and this person is becoming a dear friend.  Being in his company is like basking in gentle warm sunshine.  I look forward to the day.
I also find myself thinking about a ‘spiritual discourse’ conversation I shared yesterday with another friend for a few hours.  Lately I have been thinking a good deal about how early infant-child abuse and trauma affect ALL areas of a survivor’s life.  Our spiritual life and perspective is NOT left untouched.
I still have the written copy of my response to an assignment that was given to me about ‘my spirituality’ when I went through my 7-week alcoholism recovery in-patient treatment program half my lifetime ago.  It strikes me when I read it how distant those words were from the reality of my heart.
In other words, it really has taken me another thirty years to begin to bring my own spirituality home to my heart.  It is what God, my perception of God, FEELS like to me that concerns me now — not what I THINK about God.
The friend I was conversing with yesterday has been on a spiritual pathway of seeking and finding her own truths for all of her life.  She is in her early 70s, and I can say to myself that this woman seems to understand the LOVE of God for humans and the possibilities of human LOVE for God in return better than anyone I have ever met.
She spoke to me of how in her life God is her Daddy.  Yes, God the father is a familiar idea in Western culture.  But for my friend it is God the Daddy that has brought her love relationship with her Creator into a soft, warm, trusting, sharing, safe and secure focus.
I immediately thought about my own pitiful father (my perspective).  He took a role like I mention in this story throughout my entire 18 year infant-childhood of being abused by my mother:  *AGE 7 – MUD PUDDLE INCIDENT
In sharpest contrast I look at my father holding me in his arms when I was one month old in the small black and white picture that is attached at the top of one of the pages in my baby book.  In THIS picture I see my Daddy.  His face is absolutely radiant with love as he holds me so tenderly.
What DID happen to THAT Daddy of mine?
He disappeared.  Somewhere in the midst of being my very sick mother’s husband, in reaction to her abusive psychosis about me being not human but the devil’s child, he forgot that he was my Daddy.  He forgot that he loved me.
Yesterday was the first time in the 60 years of my life that I was able to begin to open my heart to the probability that the God that created me, my soul, absolutely DELIGHTS in my existence.  This is the first morning that I have awoken to my world realizing that Daddy love DOES exist — and that I can experience that love not from a human man who lost his way and made mistakes beyond counting.
There is a BIG DADDY who loves me.  Today I will begin to experience what that love feels like to me.  An adventure I cannot yet imagine……
Here are some baby book photos, there's my Daddy who loved me - so briefly - up there at the top right. I desperately needed Daddy to KEEP loving me, but he did not, evidently because he COULD not. Now I am thinking about Big Daddy....

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Pardon the paragraph spacings – wordpress seems not to be able to maintain them correctly this morning!  Nothing that a little * or two won’t fix!


5 thoughts on “+MORNING MUSINGS

  1. Wow, that’s lovely – Daddy God and His all encompassing love. Hard to grasp. I’m in a church which is more about thinking than feeling and experiencing God.
    I tend to be on the feeling side and while this depression has been going on I just couldn’t feel anything! its only been about 2 years that I began to experience God
    In a feeling way a lot. Then the down slump came. But I know its getting better. Just starting to yay.
    That’s lovely He held your hand Monica! How amazing. He has comforted me in dreams. I really want to get back to doing my Spiritual drawings. Its so special. I love
    How we can have a unique relationship with God and also share it in a way.
    I was reading that verse Monica mentioned this week! Can’t remember where it is – but a verse I love and found just now is ps 44:3 – very beautiful and helping me in
    The challenging moments.
    I hope your trip to Tucson was lovely Linda. Your spiritual friend sounds so gentle and refreshing.

    Its so great to be in touch here – I’m learning so much. Take care.

    • Hi! I walk my garden

      link here


      in this time of winter ‘depression’ realizing that in our climate the plants’ roots are growing growing under ground. When next they show their growth above the ground it will be expanded because of that unseen power of growth that happens down deep under the surface.

      I know my own depression grows my own roots because I NEVER give in to it. I feel it, experience, get slowed down by it, but always my soul is calling for new growth to come above the surface.

      I also learn, or try to learn, every time what might have triggered the sadness and hence the depression – so I can try to be more proactive as time goes on. I know lots of things from this last bout, can’t write about them right now — but always glad for miracles big and small. There are ALWAYS miracles because we are immersed in the sea of God’s love and grace – continually! All life is!

      sending love!!!!! xoxo

      • Sending lots of hugs too! I love what you say about growing roots in and thru depression and about being proactive.
        I’ve never had this deep an experience of depression since I was small so its good to hear how umanage yours.
        Thanks Linda, u very brave with all this and I’m so glad u can share things with people.

  2. What a revelation. I often think that if we knew…really knew how much God loves us…how we are his delight and his inspiration…I would be changed forever. I know it in my head…but I have not yet been able to grasp it.Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking about that incredible experience I had of him holding my hand. And i fell asleep knowing how much I am loved.
    Problem is….my own feelings get mixed up in there.
    I know God loves you and has compassion on you. One of my very favorite bible verse says” when our mother forsakes us..God will take us up..” I have always seen God not only as a daddy but also as a mommy.

    • Hi dear! I would love to have the Bible reference for the verse you mention!! Sometimes in our so-human world I think it’s hard to even begin to truly imagine what love is! I am learning so much from my daughter being a mommy – what love for her son! I know I have that love for my children – but somehow seeing it outside of myself in operation with HER is teaching me much in my heart about what love is and can be!!!! xoxo

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