The fact that I do not want to write this post has nothing to do with the fact that I am writing it anyway because I believe there are some things I need to say to make very clear what my current thinking is about child-abusing people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I will decide by the time I finish writing here if I am going to post here the second comment made by a BPD reader yesterday.  At present I have deleted both of her comments from this blog because I consider the thinking behind her words nonproductive to the purpose of this blog about healing trauma.  To me, her words were nothing but toxic.  (As I read them it was like I heard my mother’s voice speaking from the grave.)

I will reiterate some things I have posted here before.  (1) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often misdiagnosed.  (2) I believe the neuroscientific technology does exist that could clearly and definitively diagnose this disorder by watching a BPD brain perform relevant tasks.  (3) I also believe that diagnosing BPD in this manner presents a conflict of ethical proportions that our current civilizations are not yet ready to sort their way through.  (4)  Just because nobody chooses to use the current technology to diagnose this disorder does not mean that without it, BPD is always identified correctly.


Next I will lay out the playing field for human life as I see it.  (1)  There is only one God.  (2)  God creates an individual soul out of love at the second human conception occurs.  (3)  There is no such thing as “choosing” before birth to suffer.  (4)  I believe that human DNA is a supramemory device.  There are people who can probably identify ancestral memory, but that is not the same thing as reincarnation.

For the purposes of what I wish to say about BPD, including my dead mother:  (1)  Each human soul God creates is good.  (2)  Under ordinary circumstances humans have free will to choose to do good or to do evil in their lifetime.  (3)  I do not believe humans are given the right to judge anyone.  That is God’s job.  (4)  Under severe early trauma alterations in human development do occur very early in life.  (5)  Some people have potential for surviving unbearable pain and trauma in their genetic code, and these combinations can be triggered into action in a little one’s physiological fight to maintain their life.  (6)  I believe BPD is definitely one of these trauma-triggered genetic survival physiological tactics a little one’s body can take under horrific early conditions of stress and trauma.  (7) There are some physiological changes (being knocked unconscious being a most obvious one) that interfere with the expression of the powers of the soul.  Severe BPD is one of these physiological changes as it impedes normal rational thinking processes (and other abilities as well).

Among the powers invested to the human soul at this stage of advancement for our species is the power of rational thought.  This power resides to a great degree in the more newly evolved cortices of our brain.  Early trauma can change development of the body-brain in ways that eliminate anything like ordinary, advanced human-soul abilities to exercise rational thought.

We can call these people ‘mentally ill’ if we want to, but it is important to know that if early relationship trauma in unsafe and insecure attachment environments was responsible for triggering physiological changes to ensure survival, the changes that happen to the formation of the brain are very real.  Again, in a BPD brain these changes can be watched as they operate.

Nothing about these conditions makes these people ‘bad people’, but it does make them non-rational.  They do not think in ordinary ways.  They do not know they do not think in ordinary, rational ways.  Everything that a BPD person thinks makes sense to them.  But the queasy, eerie, uneasy feeling of ‘ICK’ a person feels when they encounter BPD ‘counter-logic’ is a telling sign that there is no bridge to cross between how an ordinary person thinks and a BPD person thinks.

(I also believe that there is healing for BPD people, but there is no cure.  This devastating disease, whose onset is clearly linked to child abuse, can be prevented just as child abuse can be — when our society is willing to take appropriate actions on behalf of all infants and children to ensure they are given what they need when they are little to grow up WELL!)


Many current psychological practitioners believe that BPD is ‘just’ about emotional dysregulation.  Nearly half of our population suffered from some flaws in their early caregiver attachments.  This half of us all have some version of what is known as an insecure attachment disorder.  This means that on some level everyone within this half has some degree of both emotional dysregulation and an empathy disorder.

Emotional regulatory abilities are directly built into the human social-emotional brain primarily during the most rapid brain growth period of development during the first year of life.  If those earliest infant-caregiver interactions contain dysregulation, in effect that inability to adequately regulate emotion will be downloaded into an infant’s forming brain.

More accurately, BPD includes great disturbance in the rational  thought processes of higher human functioning.  There is no negotiating using ‘common sense’ with a Borderline.  Their version of the world, as distorted, twisted and narcissistic as it is — that includes no ability to self reflect, to experience true empathy or genuine compassion, no ability for remorse and a very, very questionable ability to exercise true conscience or consciousness — is, to a Borderline not only the ONLY world there is, but also the only CORRECT world.


I would say that from now on if any blog reader posts a comment that I read with a growing sense of negativity, dishonesty (blind as it may be), and shaming in their words — coupled with a growing dark feeling in my gut like there are masses of centipedes thriving in their — I will not hesitate to eliminate their words from this blogspace.  The readers whose comments will most likely cover the ground I just mentioned will be, without a doubt, Borderline Personality Disorder people.

In a reply I posted:  BPD has a purpose: To keep survivors of early abuse alive. The most important way it ensures continued survival for its host is by erasing from the survivor/BPD the ability to both truly feel their own pain (and the pain of others) as it erases the ability to learn anything of any depth about cause and effect.

My mother outran her pain her entire lifetime. It is not that she didn’t suffer, but she had no ability to comprehend that fact.

Being nearly a babe yourself at your young age of 27, you will most likely be able to outrun your pain for a very long time yet to come. Those of us who survived severe abuse, and WHO ARE NOT BORDERLINES do have to feel, acknowledge and continue to learn about what happened to us and how it affects us in our life for the rest of our lives.

Unlike BPD people, we do not have an illness that makes us truly immune to pain so that we can continue to live at the same time we ignore the truths of our lives.



I cannot go back and retrieve this woman’s first comment in which she stated she is 27, had three children, two of them austitic, that she abused them ‘because she was stressed and emotionally dysregulated’, saw the light and gave the children ‘away’ (not a bad thing, I add), and now is going off to enjoy her life at the spa, etc…….  And shame on any child abuse survivor who goes after the truth!

But here is her second BPD comment:
Well I definitely never did anything like what you mentioned your mother did, and I don’t find it acceptable. It did, however, it did happen to me in that severity, along with sexual abuse as well. Yes, what happened was hurtful, but I do not wallow in pain and I no longer inflict guilt on myself about my children because the past is the past. I keep track of them they seem  very happy now. I was adopted too and if it had been the right parents, I wouldve been perfectly fine.

My bio brother was adopted at 4 years of age he’s fine. I don’t condone abuse, I kept trying to cope with the boys, I kept trying to be a better mom and and cope with their autism but with no help I couldn’t. I started having crazy thoughts of him dying, I had a nervous breakdown and felt tremendous guilt and sent the kids to safety. Its been a painful year but now its over and I have the right to enjoy life just as anyone else. I have traumas but they are being overcome. I am beautiful inside and out, people
like me. I am a good friend and fun to be around. You all fail to recognize that I did the right thing.

I already unsubscribed from here because I have no more time to sit here reading what judgmental, whiny 60 year olds have to write. That at their age they still have not overcome childhood trauma. How pitiful. You want to spend the rest of your life whining? Go ahead. If you are so passionate about helping abused children, I agree with the cause, go do something about it. Become a social worker, volunteer, don’t just sit here and whine about everything. I was once like you, living in the past, until someone gave me that advice of forgiveness and I took heed and I am finally enjoying life. Good luck to you. Ps I believe in tough love, not pity parties!


My wise daughter’s reply to me about this comment:  “This is sickening.  Crazy woman.  Ick.  Don’t let it influence you at all!!!!

Please consult the links at this post if you have any questions about the healing power of telling the truth for those of us who do NOT have BPD.  (BPDs live because the truth overwhelmed them and their body used this genetic combination to ensure their continued survival anyway.  They do not have the physiological ability to literally ‘tell the truth’ – not what happened to them or what happens to others around them now.)







  1. Hi,
    I did enjoy your article and reading about your perspectives. I understand you had a borderline mother, having said that, I find your article to be biased. You did give a scientific perspective about changes in the brain which are accurate. However I think that you do not have the right to say that no “bpd person” ever had the ability to reflect or feel empathy. In fact I know you are wrong because I struggle with bpd myself. I can be the most compassionate person and also the most empathetic. Overly empathetic at times because I can relate to pain. I also do feel pain. Please do not try to pass your opinions as facts. You are not a borderline nor do you understand any borderline pathology on a personal level because you have never been in the mind of a borderline. I am commenting this with the utmost respect, you are a talented writer. I hope you will allow your readers to see the side of a borderline instead of erasing a comment because it isn’t 100% praising your post.

    • Oh, not to worry. I had already hit “approve” for your comment before I got to the end of it. I am very quick to discover BPD comments filled with rage and those just don’t end up on the blog. I appreciate your comment and certainly value your perspective as it adds to any discussion this post may generate.

      I see it was posted September 2011. I continue to learn – and hope I always do so. In this past year I have finally come to understand that it was very specifically the PSYCHOSIS my mother suffered from that so colored her treatment of me. I find very little online about the psychotic component that can accompany BPD, evidently in 35 to 50% of cases although my guess is that is a very rough estimate.

      Many lights have gone on in the very dark tunnel of my abuse history from Mother — as I finally understand that much of what she did to me was generated by hallucinations through which she saw me “do things” that I knew never happened. I would again guess that in cases of BPD where there is no psychotic break and no psychosis the picture would be very, very different from Mother’s. Please feel free to come back with a comment here that contains any active links to information you feel is helpful and accurate about BPD. I will gladly and with appreciation approve them as additions to this post.
      thank you! Linda – alchemynow

    • I would also welcome any feedback on my book, Story Without Words, available on amazon.com in e-format.

      I wrote this before I reached my latest understandings of Mother’s psychosis. I believe it is a very compassionate account of what I think harmed my child mother, a woman who to many, many people would not be seen as anything but a monster.

  2. Well, if it is any consolation to you, those who believe in reincarnation believe that every transgression against another sentient being is revisited upon the transgressor for 10 lifetimes. Thus the thousand year cycle.

    Your mother is currently fighting with my uncles and aunt for that glass of ice water behind glass exhibit they have down there….;-)


    • Wherever my parents are I hope my prayers for their increased well-being are heard and answered. I wish no suffering on anyone.

  3. Thank you for posting the second comment. I couldn’t imagine without reading it what was so terrible. Now I see. I’m sure the first one was worse. I’m very sorry you have to read these things and expose yourself to them in an effort to tell your story. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” really should be taken into consideration more. I was overly reminded of my mother while reading the comment. She has told me more than once to “just move on…bad things happen to everyone” and just YESTERDAY was telling me what a wonderful person my uncle was. Uggggg. I held the phone away from my ear until I could change the topic.

    You don’t need to post this if you don’t want to, but I thought I would explain my understanding of reincarnation to you. I didn’t find it in any book, it was given to me in dream state one night when I had decided I couldn’t go on any more and had formulated a plan to stop the pain. I went to sleep, content that the following day I was not going to be hurting like that anymore. The next thing I knew I was standing in a large meadow with a huge sky overhead, beautiful billowy clouds and mountains in the distance. The requisite rainbow was arching over. Wildflowers waving in the breeze. There were swingsets and some other playground equipment set up around the edge of the field and long white tables. There were large crowds of people in the field with me, all colors and ages, mixing and mingling, swinging on the swings and LAUGHING, clapping their hands, playing with one another. Adults, not children, although there were children there. I found myself standing at one of the tables writing on a piece of paper that was taped to the table and was reminded of signing up for college classes in the 80’s….that was how we did it, first come first served. When the class filled up there was no more room. So I was signing up for things, as were the other people at the table, and the tables scattered around the field. Someone came that I seemed to know and leaned over my shoulder saying “wow, you are sure biting off alot there” and I remember looking down thinking “yes, I have” and thinking I was going to regret how much I had bitten off but at the same time knew it was necessary. The other people at the table with me were in my “group” and we were working things out as we went. “I’m gonna sign up for this, we did this the last time, are you ok with this?” etc…Right then I woke up, and knew that the message was I had chosen these things, willingly, because they were the lessons I had decided I needed to learn in this lifetime, and although unbearably hard, I had to bear it. I had chosen it. I dream alot, some mean things, some don’t. This was profound and I WAS THERE. I knew I couldn’t end my life and I finally understood what free will really was. I understood that I had been here, before, many times. I knew that if I did not complete what I had chosen to sign up for, I was simply going to have to repeat the class….much like college. I had agreed to work these things out with other people because some were things I needed, some were things they needed. Give and take. I knew some was not going to be nice. At all. But it was necessary for my growth and for theirs. The key is that you don’t remember that when you get here, or that removes the free will from the equation. You have set up the stage, but the players have to freely chose to do the right thing (or not) and what we chose affects our future lives with these same people.

    I started to study the ideas behind the message. I had been raised Southern Baptist so these concepts were not something I had grown up with. A very trusted professor I had explained it this way; the law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. That made a lot of sense to me. I believe the body is the mechanical “housing” for the soul to carry out it’s important work. The soul is the “spark” that allows the body to function, without the soul the body decays. Emotion = energy in motion. So if the law of conservation of energy says that energy cannot cease to exist, how can the soul “die”? I think we keep coming back to refine the soul we have and it takes many lifetimes to do so. I believe our one God, the heavenly Father, wants us to be perfect, as he is. I won’t bore you with my extensive research of how the theories of reincarnation got eliminated from the Bible, but they did in my very humble opinion. How can you control people if they think they DO get more than one chance? Much easier if they think one good screw up will send them to hell for eternity…..keeps them in line. I think that we keep coming back, in different disguises, with the same or similar groups of people, working out the problems we have, trying to get better, only some get worse. We forget our agreements once we get here, and start “living”, rubbing up against one another, creating more traumas we have to heal in future lifetimes. I know it sounds farfetched and la-la, but I know in my heart it is so…..at least for me.

    Sometime recently I found this:

    The Myth of Er by Plato. It makes great amounts of sense to me and is almost exactly what I dreamed, although we were not chosing cast stones. I discovered this “myth” in 2010. My dream was in January of 2004, so one did not influence the other. Notice the four holes, two to heaven and two to hell. The souls who have rightly completed their ‘tasks’ go to heaven until they decide to return. The ones who did not do such a good job go to hell. Some never make it back out, some do to try again. I relate it to a parent watching their child work to get something right. They don’t want them to quit until they have reached their goal. Some need a time out to think about what they have done.

    I hope I didn’t offend you with this. I’m not trying to convert you, I only wanted to explain myself and my wacky ideas. I greatly respect you and what you are doing and would like very much to hear your opinions upon the Myth of Er. You don’t need to junk up your blog with this off topic material. If you would like to email me at my email address that would be great for me.


    • Thank you very much for your words; they give me much to ponder! I’m heading off to do my walk, will check the link later! And, there is plenty of cyber-room here, much gratitude to WordPress for their generosity — and thanks to you for yours!

    • “And arriving ever and anon they seemed to have come from a long journey, and they went forth with gladness into the meadow, where they encamped as at a festival; and those who knew one another embraced and conversed, the souls which came from earth curiously enquiring about the things above, and the souls which came from heaven about the things beneath.”

      I like this: “curiously inquiring” – to have a seeker’s heart and respect for everyone’s searching – to appreciate and learn from one another –

      Very fascinating tale – sounds ‘inspired’ for sure, but I especially see the “pilgrimage of a thousand years” for it is also said that the Creator (however we conceive of this one Greatest Being) renews the life of the spirit on earth every thousand years. Every Messenger given inspiration to give to humankind carries a two-fold wisdom: (1) the essence of spiritual and soul life which never changes, and (2) specific laws that relate to the well-being of humans for their stage of evolution/development (these change with the needs of the time).

      I believe as human capacity for understanding grows over time the language and the images needed to convey spiritual truth become clearer and clearer. People resonate with, hear and understand differently – but it was important for me personally to understand that finding the most current Message given at the most recent thousand-year juncture helped me to begin to comprehend what I could not in the ‘older’ more archaic versions.

      I believe true-truth comes from our Creator. Humans certainly have self-will and plenty of imagination to come up with versions of all kinds of realities of their choosing that can justify anything to them on that level. Some call these ‘idle’ or ‘vain imaginings’ and they can prevent the light of truth from appearing in its brilliance in our searching.

      I believe all humans have been created with a spiritual obligation in this current new thousand year cycle to investigate the truth for their own self. It’s a wondrous journey! Sharing with each other what we discover is a gift that need never create conflict between us!

    • I just talked with my daughter about my reaction to ‘that BPD’s’ words. She noted that that ‘Borderline-speak’ triggered me. Of course! Trauma triggers!

      My daughter naturally felt physically ill in response to reading those words – but I spent the first 18 years of my life from the moment of my birth immersed in a universe completely controlled by my very sick Borderline mother’s mind. I have circuits and pathways in my body-brain that should NOT be there — and my daughter does NOT have them — so that I fell into the quicksand of the BPD’s insane mind and my daughter did not.

      Polluted with poison, that’s how it feels — like I was fed that toxic crap all that time as Mother usurped every possible thing about me as a separate person that she possibly could. Having been raised and abused by my severe Borderline mother might very well mean that I will NEVER be immune from the madness of a BPD mind — I will never intentionally read another word or listen to one coming from a BPD mind — I have learned my lesson.

      As my dear friend noted, “No more BPD defender!”

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