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Monday, March 20, 2017.  Happy Spring!  A long time in coming, it seems.

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Taking advantage of the best of the dips and twists, turns and tangles, and even of the downright obstacles throughout our lives requires human resources.  Accessing these resources depends on availability, access and an indomitable aversion to failure that enables us to hunt for – and then marshal our courage to USE — whatever/whomever we bet will help us move forward in our lives to the best of our abilities.

WHEW!  That spiel turned into a LOT of words!

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I have found an excellent therapist and a source to pay for it in this lovely small town I chose to relocate to.  As far as I can tell I have just been through one of the toughest three year segments of my adult life.  This is saying a lot because I have made it through MANY events that seemed to carry enough weight to crush me.

In the wording of trauma experts, it seems that the “cumulative burden” of stress/distress – this time – very nearly broke me.  Never before have I felt so knocked down that I wasn’t sure I could get up.

Sometimes it’s not enough to just escape hard times with our life.  We must be able to forge, create, and have hopes of sustaining OUR life as we require certain aspects to grow toward being happy that we are still alive.  We must find ways to live OUR life so that we feel rewarded to be alive.

I think high ACE survivors of really hard early years struggle our whole lives – often with some periods of time along the way when we feel OK in between – to reach and sustain a quality of life that MIGHT resemble what our lives could have been had someone rescued us from our early hell and taken loving care of us.  There isn’t ONE of us who didn’t need to be truly rescued!

So for me right now this therapist I have found, the first one in decades, is a winning lottery ticket for me.  I left my first session today feeling safer in the world.  I no longer feel anywhere near as alone in my struggles to make sense of hardships that I need help in coping with.  I now have help in making sense out of some aspects of being alive (at 65) that seem to make absolutely no sense to me whatsoever!

Why do I feel in nearly all ways so different now than I remember being for decades of my adult life?  I want more internal choices back.  I do not like being this REACTIVE!  I HATE this anxiety!  What is going ON with me?

This therapist has never heard of the ACE study.  He was immediately interested and I believe he will follow through on his promise to at least watch my favorite “ACEs info dispenser” Laura Porter video before our next session.

This will be good.  I can feel it.  I am hopeful, relieved and grateful!

Now – I will go dye a bunch of the yarn I spun as I prepare for my next tapestry weaving.  YAY!

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disorders, adult reactive attachment disorder, anxiety disorders,borderline mother, borderline personality disorder, brain development, child abuse,depression,derealization, disorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorder, empathy, infant abuse, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factors, PTSD, resiliency, resiliency factors, risk factors, shame