I wondered what my image of my abuser would look like before I started forming it. My initial idea in my mind has obviously been tempered. I first saw ‘the monster’ as HUGE and much more solid. However, I think the image that is forming reflects a trans-generational abuser as my grandmother and even my great-grandmother abused my mother – as she then grew up to abuse me.
I had also pondered the color of tissue I would use for the abuser, and realized I did not have any appropriate color in my collection. Then I visited our local thrift store and there it was — the perfect color! You will see that color soon….
It is also important to me that the abuser will not be fixed within the scene of the front cover image, hence it is fixed to a stand that I can move around to get the perfect angle and placement of it for the cover photograph. I also have plans for how the front image will be taken apart and changed for what will hopefully be the images for the back cover.
Motion is an integral and critical factor in the process of children being beaten. As I have written elsewhere when I stopped a few years ago to consider the minimum jail sentence my mother deserved (mentally ill as she was) for JUST her physical attacks on me, I came up with 15,000 years.
How does abuse of little people, assaults by giants, even begin to be described in words or in illustrations? I am certainly working toward coming up with at least one way to do it. Treating this heavyweight topic with such lightweight materials as plastic grocery bags wrapped with masking tape and tissue paper creates its own irony certainly not lost on me.
In the end, I find that letting go of my emotions regarding my history of abuse happens in a way like opening my palms and letting the horrors blow away like so much dandelion fluff. Keeping those emotions harms me. This is why I am taking this two-week book writing break — to find my own way to let my ANGER go at what was done to me!!! The negative emotions belong to the abuser who created the situations of abuse of me. It does not need to be MY anger. I do not want it.
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