+UPDATE ON THE BIG GARDEN FUN!! JUNE 14, 2012

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These past few days I can feel a lifeline connecting myself today with myself as a child.  Creativity.  It has always delighted me.  But this entire yard project is my work of art – way too large to hang on some gallery wall.  It is the gallery itself – and so much more.

Here are a few pictures – not quite up to date as the garden gate itself continues to evolve.  It has faint orange flowers painted below the curve of the top oval now.  I had nothing ‘right’ to work with today – so time will tell what the rains create out of my intent.

I was most fortunate to discover a can of linseed oil and some tubes of acrylic paint as I dug through boxes in my ‘craft room’ (as every room in my house actually is).  Of course water and oil do not mix – which made my painting prospects so much more delightful and curious.

The wood is scavenged for the gate and the entry way that it will hang from.  Very old, very dry, it soaked up the oil like this desert will soon soak up the rain.  The pigment in the acrylic paint makes splashes and splotches – most delightful.

I bought 2 boxes of 100 little silver washers each today and hopefully as many one inch black screws.  These will be added to the gate tomorrow – it seems most likely on the bottom.

But enough of these words.  Here are some pictures:

Although I have moved on (rather immediately as the mud and stone floor on my sunken whole/hole in the earth patio has been drying) to work on my gate - it wasn't that long ago I stuccoed the dirt under my planter down there
Although I have moved on (rather immediately as the mud and stone floor on my sunken whole/hole in the earth patio has been drying) to work on my gate – it wasn’t that long ago I stuccoed the dirt under my planter down there – here’s the stucco mesh (you can see the purple spindles back there – now a part of the garden gate!)
Scratch stucco – first coat cement mixed with dirt
Closing in my 'whole in the earth' sunken patio - large enough for 2 chairs, or some kind of reclining chaise lounge I do not (yet) own
Closing in my ‘whole in the earth’ sunken patio – large enough for 2 chairs, or some kind of reclining chaise lounge I do not (yet) own

Goat pen on the right - and where the garden gate will hang - quite a story about what's going on up there on top of this gateway!  Much more to come on THAT project!  Big FUN!
Goat pen on the right – and where the garden gate will hang – quite a story about what’s going on up there on top of this gateway! Much more to come on THAT project! Big FUN!
Grounding the gateway to the earth with earth adobe and stones, making this structure impressively sturdy when completed
Grounding the gateway to the earth with earth adobe and stones, making this structure impressively sturdy when completed
Again - the super fun project's beginning above the gateway (looking toward Mexico)  HINT:  getting read to stucco the pallet fence - and THEN SOME!!
Again – the super fun project’s beginning above the gateway (looking toward the Mexico border fences) HINT: getting read to stucco the pallet fence – and THEN SOME!!  Those old barn red boards standing to the left are the ones now stained/oiled for the garden gate.
Now - here's the garden gate coming into being!
Now – here’s the garden gate coming into being!
Recycled very OLD siding - stained/painted/oiled with the linseed.  My hands in spite of several washings still smell of the oil - a comforting smell to me, warm and reminding of the great forests I have been blessed to see in my life - and the life of the forest that was in every new and old board I ever lay my hands on - pallets included
Recycled very OLD siding – stained/painted/oiled with the linseed. My hands in spite of several washings still smell of the oil – a comforting smell to me, warm and reminding of the great forests I have been blessed to see in my life – and the life of the forest that was in every new and old board I ever lay my hands on – pallets included

I recently found out the reason why people knock on wood as per superstition:  To invoke the protection and aid from the wood spirits in trees.  Oh, and that’s the little goat house for the miniature goats I hope to have come live at my place come fall.  There’s an old plexi-glass window in their door – no latch yet.  My door is plumb, the pallet to it’s left was not square – oh well – adds character and dare I say, a certain CHARM!!

The garden gate oiled - and it is HEAVY, probably weighing 60 pounds, though I honestly cannot figure HOW it can weigh that much - and have NO IDEA how I am going to move and hang it alone.  Story of my life, EVERYTHING I do I do ALONE - and no idea even who to ask to help me (not good at asking for help, either).  But....
The garden gate oiled – and it is HEAVY, probably weighing 60 pounds, though I honestly cannot figure HOW it can weigh that much – and have NO IDEA how I am going to move and hang it alone. Story of my life, EVERYTHING I do I do ALONE – and no idea even who to ask to help me (not good at asking for help, either). But….

I found those spindles at our local thrift store 3 years ago, painted them and put them in their little frame WAITING for whatever it was they belonged to to appear!  I also bought heavy hinges and a latch today, pricey!!  Will have to get creative for handles….  I use screws, no nails!  I HATE working with nails, and as dry as it gets here in the high desert, I figure the screws will work better with dry wood — anywhere my 2 100′ extension cords can reach — I can work!!

I have been pondering a bit – what is the difference between a door and a gate?  How they are made?  What they separate?  One indoors, one outside?

“The Secret Garden” is one of my all-time favorite movies, and tells a story that could not have been properly told at all if there had been no garden gate!!

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+HOW MANY NEED THE QUIET?

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I know that every story that every severe child abuse survivor can tell of the past and of the present is unique.  I cannot speak of anything other than what I know as one of these survivors.  All I know is that today is one of those days I need quiet – not that my life is remotely busy or noisy as a rule.  Just that today I did go to town, kept my session out there in the world very brief, accomplished my few errands – and then I ran home ASAP to my quiet.

Somehow for some reason I cannot track I am sad inside today – not far from tears – a body memory I suppose that doesn’t seem to be triggered today by anything especially noteworthy or significant.  Just a blue day.

Partly I suspect I feel this because I did not get my daily dose of working hard on some outdoor project from the break of dawn until the day’s heat cooks me back indoors.  Because I went to town early hoping to buy a tree at the farmers’ market today – only the guy with the trees didn’t make it ’cause his truck broke down – I entirely missed the morning’s sweet cooler hours for work.  (see previous post on goat pen progress)

Breaking my familiar pattern seemed to break my day.  Something inside of me feel more broken, as well.  It is the hot hot dry dry and today very WINDY time of year here in the high desert.  This is an inhospitable time of year.  A harsh and forbidding time of year – unless one catches the day at exactly the right time.  Which today I chose to miss.

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Had I been able today to enjoy – or even to tolerate myself around people I could be visiting someone right now.  But, no, I am here and somewhat lonely although on days like this I have no hope that any available human contact is really going to fill me up in any way.  Empty.  Often the human contact part of who I am as a severe early abuse survivor just IS empty – and stays that way – ’cause (as a blog commenter mentioned this morning) there is no real hope that I can tolerate human contact for very long.

It’s too noisy.  It’s too confusing, too demanding, too exhausting.

Stones and adobe mud and plants struggling to endure and survive are very quiet.  Today – now – the wind is uneasy, fitful, waxing and waning unpredictably in strength.  Tired in the hot wind.  Tired around people.

Can one’s soul get tired, I wonder?  Or is our eternal soul strong always – just harder to connect with sometimes?  Certainly a SELF must get tired, a body gets tired.  I feel tired.  Yet I can be so impatient with this tiredness.

At those times I can either make peace with the reality of how I feel – and relax  – be kind and gentle and patient with myself.

Or, I can bemoan that I am ‘this way’ – although I know perfectly well how I got ‘this way’.

I do not believe there are any magic answers.  Because we are all so different I imagine we experience being survivors in different ways.  I am proud of myself that I do not seek ANY trauma drama to boost my adrenaline, go distract myself, to try to create solutions where there are none – not now.

The truth seems to be that I need much calm, much quiet.  If I knew someone who I could be with – and we could be peaceful and calm and quiet together….  Or is that an oxymoron?

I wouldn’t know.

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I seek shelter from the heat and from the wind.  How, where do I seek shelter from the other storms I feel?

In quiet, which is exactly where any rest I had away from Mother’s abuse happened during those 18 years.  Quiet.  In the center of a storm and when there is no storm at all.

Often, I cannot tell which is which.

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Previous post:

+PROGRESS OF THE GOAT PEN PROJECT – JUNE 9, 2012

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+PROGRESS OF THE GOAT PEN PROJECT – JUNE 9, 2012

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A desert garden in the pre-monsoon heat of June does little more than rest and wait for the rains – with a few exceptions!  The entire yard is on drip irrigation which keeps the roots of the plants alive until the flooding life giving waters return for their very short season – hopefully around 4 pm on the 4th of July – which is ‘the usual’!

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Adobe planter
Adobe planter
Last of the snapdragons before this heat drives them into dormancy
Last of the snapdragons before this heat drives them into dormancy
Quiet corner
Quiet corner
Waiting in heat for the rains to come - looking south toward adobe chicken coop - American-Mexican border fences right behind coop
Waiting in heat for the rains to come – looking south toward adobe chicken coop – American-Mexican border fences right behind coop

Lilac (with Larkspur) - in our climate is alive and growing - doubt it will ever bloom
Lilac (with Larkspur) – in our climate is alive and growing – doubt it will ever bloom
miniature goat corral on right of picture - looking north (there's a little goat house - right of picture with rolled wire fencing stored on top for now)
miniature goat corral on right of picture – looking north (there’s a little goat house – right of picture with rolled wire fencing stored on top for now)
finishing the adobe mine hole - not sure I can salvage those chairs!
finishing the adobe mine hole – not sure I can salvage those chairs!

Narrow planter by pallet fence
Narrow planter by pallet fence

new garden bed outside goat pen
new garden bed outside goat pen
adobe mine hole - progress for small sunken patio - morning quiet space
adobe mine hole – progress for small sunken patio – morning quiet space

adobe hole floor progress
adobe hole floor progress

This is the smaller of the Texas Ranger variety - they supposedly only bloom when it is going to rain - no sign of that happening - yet!!  So pretty!
This is the smaller of the Texas Ranger variety – they supposedly only bloom when it is going to rain – no sign of that happening – yet!! So pretty!

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+I HURT MY FRIEND: RUPTURE OF TRUST AND REPAIR IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Humans make mistakes in relationships, but being human it is not always easy to identify exactly what the mistake was — or how to repair a rupture that we accidentally caused.

Rupture and repair is a fundamental element of attachments in relationships.  In fact, in essence it can be said that all our attachment patterns are about repairing ruptures between self and others and self and the environment.  (Please see post links below)

I have accidentally hurt a very dear friend of mine.  Against all odds and against all of other people’s feelings and ideas about my relationship with this person, about this person, about what I did that caused a serious rupture in my very meaningful (though often difficult) friendship-relationship with this person — I KNOW myself, and after 12 years I know my friend.

About four years ago I gave two things of high value to my family away to this person.  I didn’t mean to.  I brought these items of great beauty that I had made nearly a quarter of a century ago over to show them to my friend.  His eyes lit up like Las Vegas on a moonless night.  He obviously thought I was gifting them to him.  I did not have the heart to tell him otherwise and these items passed from my life into the life of my friend.

I told my daughter the day this happened.  She immediately asked me to get the items back.  I did not have the heart to.  I did not have the guts to, either, as I knew there would be a most intense solar flareup once I took this action.

I waited these four years, but with the soon-to-happen birth of my second grandson coming, I knew that these two items which DO belong to my family and DO belong especially to my grandsons, needed to be retrieved.

Oh MY!!!!

So NOT an easy thing to do, and yes, the disastrous rupture in the heart of my friend and in our relationship happened.  Lots of fanfare, I might add.  When my ‘dominant male’ friend is challenged by anyone any time over anything — well……

Over a week later I am walking my own pathway concerning what I wish to do to repair this rupture.  The two original items are in the hands of my daughter.  I am going to make my friend one of ‘these’ of his very own – not an easy task.

His big tough feathers will not be soothed with my statement of intent, either.  His big tough feathers will return to a cute harmless twinkling-eyed state only when I complete and place in his hand an ‘item’ of equal beauty to the ones I very awkwardly gave and took back.

Meanwhile, Mr. Man’s essential self is going to remain in a huffy huff – and I accept that.  I did not mean to make a mess of this transaction.  One could suspect, even suggest, that a grown man might have taken this entire situation a great deal more gently – with grace – yet his dignity absolutely requires that there be an unforgettable price paid for this rupture – until it has been repaired.

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If you take a look at the links I post below there are statements of attachment theory fact regarding interactions and transactions between infants and toddlers and their earliest caregivers.  When a caregiver causes a rupture – which is ALWAYS the case prior to an infant’s age of one year old, the caregiver must initiate the repair.  (note:  after age one is the stage, also, that the nervous system of an infant has developed enough to experience the physiological shame reaction in response to a caregiver-toddler relationship rupture – that is meant in healthy normal ways to safely socialize new humans – see last three links below)

Once the increased independence of the infant after age one begins to create ruptures – (i.e., touching forbidden things, etc.) – it is again still the caregiver’s job to SHOW the little one how repairs are accomplished.

Some of us who were neglected and maltreated/abused when little received none of this adequate training – NEVER!

But we can learn.  Personally, this entire issue is about TRUST.  Infant brains begin to have patterns of trust (or lack of trust) built into them by age two months.  This fundamental brain circuitry is directly tied into all of our lifelong attachment patterns.

My friend did not have an easy beginning.  Neither did I.  Yet as I work my way through my current relationship mishap I realize I am gaining practice in how to recognize what is often at the core of discontent in relationships:  Breach of trust.

I value trust.  I value this relationship.  I value my friend’s right to react to my mistake in his own way.  I have some very real work to accomplish to make this new item for him.  At least now on my side of the rupture I have some smiles of my own.  I am working toward seeing another one on the face of my friend.

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+RUPTURE IN RELATIONSHIPS ALWAYS NEEDS REPAIR – MY MOTHER’S REPAIR LETTER 

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+PUKING IN THE HIGH CHAIR: PATTERNS OF RUPTURE AND REPAIR BEFORE THE AGE OF ONE

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+BEEN ABUSED? PATTERNS OF RUPTURE WITH OR WITHOUT REPAIR

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+THE PROCESS OF RUPTURE AND REPAIR NEED REPOSE AND RESTORATION

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Research notes:

*Siegel – attachment – insecure – “rupture and repair”

More related research notes:

++ DR. SCHORE ON SHAME

+SEIGEL ON SHAME

*The Shame Spectrum

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+RUPTURE IN RELATIONSHIPS ALWAYS NEEDS REPAIR – MY MOTHER’S REPAIR LETTER

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The saga continues.  Dr. Allan Schore writes in great detail about how patterns of rupture and repair are built into an infant’s developing brain — either under optimal conditions or under malevolent ones.  Nobody can ever be completely ‘in synch’ with others all of the time.  Ruptures are to be expected.  It is critical that healthy patterns of repairing these ruptures get built into the new brain through safe and secure early care giver interactions.

Without healthy, safe and securely attached rupture and repair patterns, insecure attachment patterns will predominantly ‘rule’ the brain — and a person’s resulting actions.  The dominant patters will be of rupture without hope of repair.  Humans do not do well with that scenario, and thus adapt as they find ways to accomplish the needed repair.

I DO believe that my parents were doing the best that they could do with one another — given what they knew and what they had to work with.  This letter gives us some clues about how the ‘repair after rupture’ part of their relationship worked.

*1963 – September 9 – Mother’s “repair” response letter to dad

In context:

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Please don’t rush by the active link I put up there in the post!  This link leads to important insecure attachment information: 

patterns of rupture and repair

This information describes how in early infant-caregiver interactions, the infant is never the one who causes the rupture.  It is always the caregiver, and it is vitally important that the one who causes an infant-caregiver  rupture is the one who repairs it.  Once an infant can move around in the world by itself some distance from its caregiver, rupture and repair patterns already built into the brain begin to expand their affects — and these expanded patterns begin to build what we can call the

‘shame reaction pattern’.

The increasing complexity of the brain-mind and nervous system are fundamentally tied into how the rupture-repair patterns were established in early infant development, and continue to be ‘directed’ by information the growing infant-child receives throughout the ‘shame reaction’ stage of early human development.  As this new stage of mobilization within the wider world is safely and securely negotiated with others, what our body-brain knows about rupture and repair can be expanded to include our every more increasingly complex interactions between ourselves and other members of our social species.  — see

shame and the nervous system

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