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I know that every story that every severe child abuse survivor can tell of the past and of the present is unique. I cannot speak of anything other than what I know as one of these survivors. All I know is that today is one of those days I need quiet – not that my life is remotely busy or noisy as a rule. Just that today I did go to town, kept my session out there in the world very brief, accomplished my few errands – and then I ran home ASAP to my quiet.
Somehow for some reason I cannot track I am sad inside today – not far from tears – a body memory I suppose that doesn’t seem to be triggered today by anything especially noteworthy or significant. Just a blue day.
Partly I suspect I feel this because I did not get my daily dose of working hard on some outdoor project from the break of dawn until the day’s heat cooks me back indoors. Because I went to town early hoping to buy a tree at the farmers’ market today – only the guy with the trees didn’t make it ’cause his truck broke down – I entirely missed the morning’s sweet cooler hours for work. (see previous post on goat pen progress)
Breaking my familiar pattern seemed to break my day. Something inside of me feel more broken, as well. It is the hot hot dry dry and today very WINDY time of year here in the high desert. This is an inhospitable time of year. A harsh and forbidding time of year – unless one catches the day at exactly the right time. Which today I chose to miss.
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Had I been able today to enjoy – or even to tolerate myself around people I could be visiting someone right now. But, no, I am here and somewhat lonely although on days like this I have no hope that any available human contact is really going to fill me up in any way. Empty. Often the human contact part of who I am as a severe early abuse survivor just IS empty – and stays that way – ’cause (as a blog commenter mentioned this morning) there is no real hope that I can tolerate human contact for very long.
It’s too noisy. It’s too confusing, too demanding, too exhausting.
Stones and adobe mud and plants struggling to endure and survive are very quiet. Today – now – the wind is uneasy, fitful, waxing and waning unpredictably in strength. Tired in the hot wind. Tired around people.
Can one’s soul get tired, I wonder? Or is our eternal soul strong always – just harder to connect with sometimes? Certainly a SELF must get tired, a body gets tired. I feel tired. Yet I can be so impatient with this tiredness.
At those times I can either make peace with the reality of how I feel – and relax – be kind and gentle and patient with myself.
Or, I can bemoan that I am ‘this way’ – although I know perfectly well how I got ‘this way’.
I do not believe there are any magic answers. Because we are all so different I imagine we experience being survivors in different ways. I am proud of myself that I do not seek ANY trauma drama to boost my adrenaline, go distract myself, to try to create solutions where there are none – not now.
The truth seems to be that I need much calm, much quiet. If I knew someone who I could be with – and we could be peaceful and calm and quiet together…. Or is that an oxymoron?
I wouldn’t know.
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I seek shelter from the heat and from the wind. How, where do I seek shelter from the other storms I feel?
In quiet, which is exactly where any rest I had away from Mother’s abuse happened during those 18 years. Quiet. In the center of a storm and when there is no storm at all.
Often, I cannot tell which is which.
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+PROGRESS OF THE GOAT PEN PROJECT – JUNE 9, 2012
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Stop the Storm 
I also kept wanting to write ‘whole’ not hole! Thank you for sharing it and your wonderful garden!
The rain sounds so cleansing and gentle and just so useful and helpful of nature. My next project
Next weekend is to make a rainstick. I’m exploring meditative tools for the senses and have always
Loved rainsticks. I also looked at the canvas labyrinths last week but didn’t see the price, my word!
Drawing one was fun and meditative and free! I think you are right, your garden is exactly a labyrinth.
Wow, your isolation was so extreme. Unfathomable that someone could do that to a child or anyone.
I tend to withdraw to solitude too but never have lived as surreal an experience as that. I was ignored
And treated as invisible – and I think a more subtle thing was for me having no recognition of my self.
My mother had no concept of other vs herself either.
When I read your description of your life and how it affects you now it paints me a bit of a picture of your life.
Words definitely fail me in my attempts to express.
Lots of good wishes and enjoy digging and being welcomed by the earth this week.
Xx
xoxoxox
!!!!
Going out to work before the sun rises much further!!
Have a WONDERFUL day – in every way!
Blessings
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I’ve been thinking of you a lot this week Linda! I also have been desiring quiet a lot lately, finding it hard
To put thoughts into words and wanting to dig a hole in the earth for myself to cuddle into. My therapist
Suggested that I lie on the ground and make a small hole to talk to mother earth into. I loved the idea and
Doing it gave me a feeling of being nurtured and held kindly. As a child I wanted to be a gardener and as
You’ve said before – abuse survivors do seem to get so much from the quiet of nature. I’m sorry you didn’t
get your tree – that mustve been disappointing. I have a tree on my balcony and I meant to tell you – also a
small tomato plant! So when I read about your waiting for your garden to grow I thought of that! I’ve just this
Week eaten the first tomato.
Yesterday I stayed in with my cat all day because we had a storm – it can get so windy here and with rain and cold
Its wise to be in. We have had two cold fronts on top of each other and our maximum temp has been 14 – very cold
For us – especially with wind! I have lots of marking tho so keeping busy.
I want to reward myself by drawing a labyrinth on an old queen size sheet. I’ve always loved them and thought it would be a good peaceful thing to
Have one. I also can’t be around people a lot and some days more so than others. I don’t know how I can lecture – its a bit of an ordeal each time.
Sending you love and support! I hope today there will be a special gift for you.
Xx
Hello dear one in the midst of winter!!! A month or so ago I looked online at those canvas labyrinth patterns one can buy for $4000!!! Then I realized my garden paths are like a labyrinth – a place for walking meditations – what a wonderful idea – and soothing, captivating — and I will share my hole in the earth with you! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings about being held in the earth. This space I am working with WILL BE large enough to lay down in!!
Part of making this – finishing this – hole in the earth (whole in the earth) is the realization that the final finishing of it will come with the rains. The rain takes care of all of my adobe work. It smooths all the rough edges, moves the lose soil away – moves the water away as well.
I have flat stones, small ones, placed into the ‘floor’ – more so I know where the edges of my horizontal surface there actually is when the rains come and send the sandy soil down from the stone edges – so I can sweep it up and move the lose soil away – tho I am concerned about how this hole is going to drain!!
Water is so lacking here, so precious. Finding ways to keep it in the perimeter of this property has been fascinating in itself.
Getting ready for the rain – a yearly ritual here – never knowing exactly when or how often or for how long the rains will bless us here. Never taken for granted!!
My own inner storm woke up yesterday – I am sure in great body memory – which I will write about soon, I think. So MUCH of what my body knows is NOT connected to the facts of individual memories – more like whole continents in my body that are connected to being alone in the quiet away from all others – for so many years – and so undeservedly, so not under my control – quiet being the only solace I had between the attacks – so extended for days and days into weeks
as the life of my family went on as if Linda was dead.
I could hear, listen – smell life going on. Meals, comings and goings, conversations — from the time I was born until I was 18 the forced isolation went on. Sometimes it does seem like a deep hole I am in and no matter what I can’t get out of it – the quiet – the silence – the being apart from the mainstream of life
so must make the best of it – the best of what is available to me – and here it is my yard and my garden, those resources I can get my hands on, nearly seek my teeth into, as gritty as life in the blessed DIRT can be!!
I am so glad to hear from you!! Amazing in your cool temps that your tomatoes are thriving! Testimony that life IS powerful in its own right – grow it, tend it, eat it, see it, touch it — all more real to me than people will ever be
Many blessings to you! Yes, no tree was disappointing, but I can dig the holes this week for them which I haven’t done yet — to get ready for them
Must go as it is still cool outside – work on my ‘whole in the earth’ – sending much love!! Linda – alchemynow