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Wednesday, February 11, 2015.  Every child born anywhere on our planet deserves the same chances to have all its needs met and its human rights guaranteed, but the conditions of their lives are far from equal.  Every year I track the latest yearly report from the United Nations on the State of the World’s Children.  Today I found a most beautifully presented collection of information that can be accessed at this link as it also contains important reports from years past that have been created by UNICEF:

The State of the World’s Children reports

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The most recent information can be accessed at that link.  Following in this post are the main categories from the most current UNICEF report which includes beautiful photographs.  The full report can be accessed here:

The State of the World’s Children 2015: Reimagine the future

Innovation for every child

Around the world, an innovation revolution for children is growing – often in the most unexpected places – and increasingly led by young people themselves.

Fueled by creativity, connectivity, and collaboration, new ways of solving problems are emerging – in tech design studios and university laboratories, in development organizations and corporations, and in kitchens and community centres.

To mark the 25th anniversary of the Convention of the Rights of the Child, this edition of The State of the World’s Children highlights the work of remarkable young innovators who are already reimagining the future – and invites the world to join this rising movement to advance the rights of every child.  From this site:

About the report

“As we mark 25 years of the Convention on the Rights of the Child, The State of the World’s Children calls for brave and fresh thinking to address age-old problems that still affect the most disadvantaged children. In particular, the report calls for innovation – and for the best and brightest solutions coming from communities to be taken to scale to benefit every child.

“The Convention itself was an innovation that recognized children as people with rights that must be respected equally to the rights of adults. It has helped drive remarkable progress for millions of children, but far too many are still being left behind.

“The report highlights how new ways of solving problems – often emerging from local communities and young people themselves – can help us overcome age-old inequities that prevent millions of children from surviving, thriving and making the most of their potential.

“To finish unfinished business, we need to innovate. This means creating interconnected systems and new networks of problem-solvers that cross sectors, generations and geographies. It means scaling up local solutions to solve global challenges – and adapting them in new contexts. It means shaping new markets and spurring the private sector to design for development. It means creating solutions together with communities, and with a view to including all their members – preventing innovation from widening gaps. It means doing things differently, to drive change for children.

“In that spirit, this year’s State of the World’s Children is different. It is inspired by the remarkable work unfolding in countries and communities around the world. It is guided by the principles for inclusive innovation that UNICEF is helping to develop. And much of its content is crowdsourced – emerging out of the experiences and insights of people who are actively working to make the world better for every child.

“Over the past year, UNICEF has convened a continuing series of Activate Talks, global symposia that are bringing together young inventors, innovators, business people, artists and others to talk about the innovation they see, need and are helping to drive. Many of their stories are included in the essays and ideas presented here. In fact, this year’s report includes the greatest number of essays – by the greatest number of young people – since UNICEF published the first State of the World’s Children in 1980.

“This is also the first fully digital State of the World’s Children, with interactive and multimedia content. Users are invited to personalize their experience by browsing through categories or by tailoring the content with a series of tags, allowing them to engage with the ideas that mean the most to them. The digital platform also connects them to an innovation community and a constellation of open-source ideas through an interactive world map.

“We invite you to join this conversation, share your own ideas and experience, and create connections that might just bring about exponential change for the most disadvantaged children. Who knows what ideas you might inspire, what actions you might inform, what collaborators you might find, what change you might make.

“Don’t think of this as UNICEF’s report. Think of it as yours.”

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How are innovators creating a better world?

By pushing boundaries, challenging assumptions and sharing their creative solutions. Use the categories below to explore their work, in their own words.

Many voices, many stories

In countries and communities across the globe, people are doing remarkable things to make the world better for every child. Here are some of their experiences and insights. — STORIES ARE AT THIS LINK

Shaping change to benefit all children

Will rapid change accentuate or diminish the extremes that separate children who want for almost nothing and those who are deprived of almost everything? In an increasingly connected world, problems cross borders – and solutions must do the same, linking global and local problem solvers to push the boundaries of the possible, try out unconventional approaches in new places, and accelerate progress towards a future in which all children can enjoy their rights. As the global development community plots its course for the post-2015 era beyond the Millennium Development Goals, the choice is ours to make. — Read the report

Join a global community of innovators

Tell the world about something innovative that you are working on, or that someone you know of is doing. Help discover the next big idea that could change the world for children. — Map your innovation

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you can.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tuesday, February 10, 2015.  It is snowing heavily today.  Large flakes, some appearing nearly like birds aiming directly at my windows.  If my hearing was acute enough would I be able to hear them tap against the glass?

It remains one of the most useful centering thoughts of my life to contemplate the fact that somehow – somehow of the obvious and not even remotely obvious collection of miracles in this sphere of material life we all occupy at this moment in time – it is the uniqueness of every snowflake crystal that has ever been or will ever be that lets me know there is far more to this life of ours than anyone can really imagine.

I don’t think we will ever be able to grasp the complexity of life!

There are a LOT of snowflakes dancing outside at this moment!  Enough that someone out on a long empty stretch of highway would not be able to see their way clearly enough to drive safely.  Every flake uniquely different.  Every human being uniquely different.

Yet snowflakes mostly share common characteristics with one another.  Certainly humans also share with one another common characteristics that actually make us far more like one another than different.  It’s not always easy to see that fact.

Same with music.

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As I learn to play piano I listen to a lot of piano music on the Pandora radio station I am continually shaping to reflect music I would like to learn how to play.  I just encountered this lovely gentle song – Tally’s Lullaby played by Karen Marie Garrett.  It reminds me of all the goodness in life.  The goodness is always here no matter how hard life might be at times.

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I also found a prayer this morning that particularly mentions LIGHT.  Without light in the world we could not have the contrast of shadows and darkness.  But it is only the light that is real, that is eternal.  Darkness and shadow are illusions in this world of material existence through which we can discover the nature of life here on this plane of existence.

“O Thou kind Lord!  O Thou Source of ancient bounty, of grace, of generosity and bestowal!  O Thou Healer of sicknesses!  O Thou Sufficer of needs!  O Thou Light of Light!  O Thou Light above all Lights!

“O Thou the Compassionate!  O Thou the Merciful!  Do Thou have mercy upon the bearer of this Tablet, through Thy most great mercy and Thine abundant grace, O Thou the Gracious, Thou the Bounteous.  Guard him, moreover, through Thy protection, from whatsoever his heart and mind may find repugnant.  Of those endued with power, Thou, verily, art the most powerful.” (READ MORE HERE)

Every human being carries a story engraved upon the ‘tablet of their heart’.  We might not find people to hear our story in this world, but I believe in the next world one of the great gifts we will all receive is an explanation for the sufferings of this lifetime.  I know that might not seem much of a consolation to MANY in THIS lifetime!

There are children born into families where severe challenges of sickness (including addictions and mental illness), ignorance and/or immaturity prevent the adults who are entrusted to provide love, safety, security and protection for these children from caring for them.  There are families where adults directly harm children.  We know this happens.

For those who survive severe trauma in childhood it can be very hard to make sense of what happened to them.

Like being lost alone in a blizzard with snow so deep movement is nearly impossible, direction to safety cannot be found, threat to ongoing life is very real, and daylight has turned into darkness – time might be slowed down to only one breath after the next one.  Waiting for the storm to pass….

We make it through.

Then what?

We transcend our story.  We are all so much more than what happens to us!

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Everyone is an artist working in the studio of life, and one of the most useful and extremely helpful tools for our creations is available to EVERYONE free of charge beginning at this link –

How to Start a WordPress Blog – A Step-By-Step Guide

An internet tablet to write words from the heart, to post pictures, videos, music – whatever you want!  Creations can be ‘published’ to remain private or they can ‘go live’ publicly.  MANY choices are clearly laid out at the above link included in the wide array of formats provided by WordPress – again, all free of charge!

Every blog, as a working tool for the creativity of individuals, is as unique as a snowflake.

Perhaps TODAY is the day to give YOUR blog a try and make it fly!

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you can.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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Leave a Comment »

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Monday, February 9, 2015.  I found it delightful today to refresh my thinking about the Waldorf school method of educating children and the philosophy upon which it is based.  This would be my absolute top #1 choice for educating children.  Here is some basic information with links to a more comprehensive description of the world’s most rapidly growing approach to education.

Take a few moments to imagine being a child again who was able to attend a school such as these are!  I cannot imagine victimized children ever being ignored and allowed to suffer should they be a part of an educational setting that works like this does!  ALL children need to thrive – in every way possible!

Why Waldorf Works

is the official website in North America for this method of education:

The Association of Waldorf Schools of North America (AWSNA) is proud to bring you Why Waldorf Works, a definitive source of news and information about Waldorf Education. Here you can explore this remarkable approach to educating children that boasts an 85 year history in North America.

Waldorf Education has grown from its humble beginnings in North America to include 160 member schools across the continent and 14 teacher preparation institutes, 1 school entirely adapted for children with special needs, 1 school adopted by Native Americans and 8 schools with educational programs designed in partnership with farms practicing organic or biodynamic agriculture. So as you can see, this independent school movement has grown to have a huge reach and influence across the continent and remains as exciting and challenging as the day it started. The following pages contain a lot of rich news, information and resources about Waldorf Education. Here’s just a snap shot of some things you will find.

For up to date news about Waldorf Education around the world click on News & Events in the drop down menu. You can read about Waldorf graduates, information about conferences, teacher education, or educational trends. And if you want to stay current on Waldorf news, be sure to sign up for our Email Alerts on the left-hand banner.

If you want to learn more about this association of independent Waldorf schools click on any of the AWSNAbuttons above. The Find A School button will help you search for schools by name, continental region, or internationally.

If you like history and are interested in knowing how Waldorf Education came about click on the Waldorf Education button.

Teacher Preparation will tell you everything you need to know about how to become a Waldorf teacher.

And if you love books and want great reading material the Books&More button will take you to our on-line store where you can buy books about Waldorf Education as well as quality books for children.

And if that’s not enough you can always subscribe to Renewal: A Journal for Waldorf Education. This magazine has great articles about all aspects of Waldorf Education. It is published twice a year and is well worth the read.

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Waldorf Education: An Introduction

What Is Waldorf Education?

For the Waldorf student, music, dance, and theater, writing, literature, legends and myths are not simply subjects to be read about, ingested and tested. They are experienced. Through these experiences, Waldorf students cultivate a lifelong love of learning as well as the intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual capacities to be individuals certain of their paths and to be of service to the world.

Developed by Rudolf Steiner in 1919, Waldorf Education is based on an understanding of human development that addresses the needs of the growing child. Waldorf teachers strive to transform education into an art that educates the whole child—the heart and the hands, as well as the head.

When you enter a Waldorf school, the first thing you may notice is the care given to the building. The walls are usually painted in lively colors and are adorned with student artwork. Evidence of student activity is everywhere to be found and every desk holds a uniquely created main lesson book.

Another first impression may be the enthusiasm and commitment of the teachers you meet. These teachers are interested in the students as individuals. They are interested in the questions:

• How do we establish within each child his or her own high level of academic excellence?
• How do we call forth enthusiasm for learning and work, a healthy self-awareness, interest and concern for fellow human beings, and a respect for the world?
• How can we help pupils find meaning in their lives?

The Waldorf curriculum is broad and comprehensive, structured to respond to the three developmental phases of childhood: from birth to approximately 6 or 7 years, from 7 to 14 years and from 14 to 18 years. Rudolf Steiner stressed to teachers that the best way to provide meaningful support for the child is to comprehend these phases fully and to bring “age appropriate” content to the children that nourishes healthy growth.

READ MORE HERE if you wish to explore this fascinating approach to educating the whole child.

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Here is another website of information on Waldorf education that is hosted privately:  Welcome to Waldorf Answers!

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you can.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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Leave a Comment »

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Friday, February 5, 2015.  One thing I know is that I was never given – from the start of my life – the experiences people need in order to be able to – allowed to – anthropomorphize human beings:

transitive verb:  to attribute human form or personality to

intransitive verb:  to attribute human form or personality to things not human

My reality in this world is simply not the same as it is for nearly all other people.  At age 63 I can state this fact as fact.  I know what I know.

Essentially, then, in my reality the processes of ATTACHMENT that create human beings from the start of their earthly life are NOT essentially about what I suspect other people are tempted to think they are.  Attachment, to me, is not about “lovey-dovey” squishy warm fuzzy coo-coo ga-ga Hallmark moment cushy interactions.

Attachment, even as the developmental neuroscientists now describe it, is a literal biophysical process by which earliest caregivers of infants literally DOWNLOAD their brain and nervous system into the rapidly forming body-nervous system-brain of the next generation of humans on earth.

Attachment does not need to be a perfectly orchestrated process to be effective in creating healthy, happy humans.  It just needs to be “good enough.”  This “good enough” varies from culture to culture as it works to literally create “cultural personality traits.”  Variations between safe and SECURE attachment and variations of INSECURE attachment involve HOW people process emotions and social interactions, what they pay attention to, and eventually what they value and the choices they feel validated to make within their culture.  (All of these processes, by the way, are deeply invested in the way the early forming critically important brain region called the Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) builds itself from birth.)

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What to humans respond to?  What do they avoid?  Patterns of attachment directly express themselves by how emotions are regulated – or not.

How early do all these processes begin?  Treat yourself to this!

Now, watch THIS:  Tronick Still Face Experiment

Attachment, if looked at musically, is about patterns of harmonizing.  It is about attunement and resonance, sound and silence.  I take sound to include even expressions of experience that can be read/heard with the eyes as well as with the ears.  The infant faced with the ‘disappearance’ of its mother for those brief two minutes wasn’t able to discriminate how it knew what it knew.

The baby was essentially left all alone with its rapidly forming little (inadequate to face life) brain disconnected from the power-information source of its mother’s brain over the course of her immobility.  This is not an “anthropomorphic” “warm-fuzzy vs not” kind of experience, no matter how much we wish Hallmark moments into our lives.  It is biophysical.

Attachment experiences build babies into adults from the moment of conception forward.

What would have happened if that mother had been directly responding to that baby with hostile, violent rage and aggression?

It happens.

I know.

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Developmental experts state that experiences conception to age 3 (the end of toddlerhood and entrance into preschooler stages) are the most important ones of a person’s lifetime.

I would ask the question, “Was that baby in the still face experiment SUFFERING during those two minutes of disconnect from its mother?”

I cannot help but follow with this.  If that baby WAS suffering then how as an entire culture do we believe it is perfectly OK for mothers to disconnect from their infants from birth as they place them for 50+ hours per week into daycare settings that by default take mother away from baby?

We can break apart answers to that question any way we want to, but from my point of view if any kind of suffering is created long-term in very young children their physiological development will be altered in the direction of an adaptation to what their body-brain responds to as trauma.

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I am thinking this morning of something that sits here within me now unbidden by me.  My psychotic (seriously mentally ill) abusive mother recorded in her diary when I was 20 months old that I did not wet my clothing mornings after remaining dry all night.  All fine and good except she notes that she “did not have time to put Linda on the potty until 11 am.”

At that time Mother was pregnant with her 3^rd child.  My older brother was three.  Mother was torturing me.

She was not EVER “in contact” with me.  She did not attune to me.  She did not resonate with me.  Her mental illness required that she torture me and keep me as miserable as she possibly could.

I would have known at 20 months old the terrible response Mother would have had to me IF I had NOT suffered until she chose to allow me to use the potty.  Mother found ways to control my life to suit her psychosis throughout the 18 long years of my childhood.

I KNEW how to suffer.

Somehow, as I process my current healing crisis I am understanding that my being able to suffer created in me an equal inability to recognize suffering in all young ones.  Somehow it made me so that although I could – and did – (words just left me….) – oh, TOLERATE incredible suffering I have NO TOLERANCE for tolerating the suffering of little ones.

None.

Attunement, resonance, mirroring – compassion, common sense, a willingness to put the needs of little people before the desires of adults whenever possible – and appropriate caring responses PREVENT suffering in little people.

Simple as that.

While I never experienced ANY of this in my early life and in fact experienced the hell of its opposite, these patterns are perfectly clear to me.  And, I must say, getting clearer yet!

Would I say that ALL mothers MUST be present and/or available to their offspring 100% of the time during their first 3 years of life?

On the grounds that it might incriminate me, I will postpone answering that question except to say that I see no possible way that the “abandonment” of infants by their mothers for massive periods of time during early life DOES change HOW humans develop away-from-optimal in many critically important ways.

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(If an infant is being abused primary care by others is of course needed.  And, as I have stated before, care of little people by older children was the pattern most present during our evolution but mothers WERE available when needed by their infants.)

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you can.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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Leave a Comment »

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Thursday, February 5, 2015.  I wish I could write what would be a ‘coherent’ account of what the processes are that I am going through right now, but I would be highly surprised if I will.  By all accounts being unable to tell a ‘coherent’ life story narrative as an adult who lived through severe trauma in their early life is exactly how adult insecure attachment disorders are assessed.  With a trauma history such as mine is I am fully aware that I will be victimized by trauma stored in my body when trauma triggers appear in my ongoing life – for the rest of my life.

I am in the midst of what can be termed a “crisis of healing” or a “healing crisis.”  I am also thinking of a term discussed in my art therapy graduate program 25 years ago:  State of emergency.  These states happen when important aspects of injuries from any trauma, but certainly from severe early abusive trauma, begin to literally emerge.  Make themselves known.  Whether or not anyone can understand what is being drawn forth for healing.

I am describing what I am going through right now as being one of the vastest, complicated and BIG trauma-triggered crises of my life.  It all began to appear so innocuously about 3 weeks ago.

Fargo, North Dakota where I am “camped out” until the end of next August as I care for my youngest grandson who just turned 2 ½ – I will simply refer to him as the toddler – has a Blue Law which prohibits any retail store from opening before noon on Sundays.  My daughter, her hubby, the nearly 5-year-old grandson and the toddler stopped by to pick me up for a jaunt at noon to the nearby Sam’s Club.  The experience was a DISASTER for me and I am still reeling from the repercussions.

Toddler, as I manage his little life Monday-Friday for 9+ hours, is absolutely READY for a nice nap after lunch at noon.  He was NOT ready for a foray through the aisles of a mega store and let EVERYONE know how absolutely MISERABLE he was.  I reacted.  Or rather, I tried NOT to react in dismay and panic as in “WHY is this happening to this precious little boy?”

I attempted silence in the most grandmotherly way as I scooted my own cart around to pick up my basics.  But my BODY let me know (Out of nowhere?  Not.) with sudden explosive diarrhea that sent me tailspinning out of the store that TO ME and IN ME something was terribly awry.

I have not felt well since.

As that trauma trigger experience began to further display my true reaction over these passing days (To what?  I am only now beginning to understand.) I found my entire midsection felt internally paralyzed and my digestive system just stopped working.  I had to start asking the questions that matter:  What am I trying to digest right now?  What is it that I cannot stomach?

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Now. Here comes the really important and tricky part to put into words.  If you do an online search for the terms “stop the storm borrowed attachment” you can locate some of my past writings about how I have understood my own process of having been SO ABUSED throughout the entire 18 years of my childhood from birth and did NOT abuse my own children.

I am learning more about that on a MAJOR deep level right now.

I was absolutely unable to tolerate even that ‘minor’ (I know it did not feel minor to him) ‘suffering’ of my grandson as he was so desperately ready for his nap.  I could do NOTHING at the time to spare him what my body powerfully recognized as his suffering.

I am processing that I have an EXQUISITE ability to detect suffering in children and a POWERFUL drive response to STOP that suffering.

It is IN MY BODY!  It is a part of who I am.

I learned how to foster safe and secure attachment with my children when they were little under ONLY profoundly traumatic circumstances.  I know that because my entire childhood was profoundly traumatic.  I have known for a long time that my ability to prevent suffering in wee ones was honed when my youngest brother was born when I was in 8^th grade.  Mother did not want to be bothered with knowing he existed when I was home.

I would be brutally abused any time I did not meet Mother’s standards (as well as any other time her ‘mood’ dictated).  I had to keep the baby silent and invisible to her and there was ONLY one way for me to do that.

I had to ‘read’ his every signal of need and respond to keep him HAPPY.

Well, nature creates needs in little ones that are not THAT hard to meet – although the ‘giving’ to these little ones IS work.  I just kept my brother happy.  Whatever it took.

In other words, as my current healing crisis is telling me, I met his needs so that he DID NOT SUFFER.  Remove suffering from little ones?  They are happy.

Logic 101.

BUT, at this point in my healing this is all SO MUCH BIGGER.  As I described in my book Story Without Words it was the unique demand of Mother’s terrible psychosis that she create a hell exactly for me and that she keep me in there ALWAYS – so she did not have to suffer.

That was my life from birth.  As I suffered, my siblings were free to play, to grow.  Of course our home was BAD NEWS on so many levels that harmed my siblings, including the fact that they witnessed what nobody should being done to me, but at least the kind of suffering that was demanded of ME did not touch them.  Suffering was my job.  Even to spare my father.

But until this healing crisis I am moving through right now I never understood how much a part of the cells in my body it is for me to STOP THE SUFFERING of little ones.  My grandson was NOT suffering in his mother’s eyes due to missing naptime; probably not in most of her generation’s parents’ eyes.  But my standards are, formed through such a history of trauma, that any suffering I COULD prevent – I BETTER prevent.

OR?  OR WHAT?

Whatever is happening to me right now involves some kind of ‘re-feeling’ and ‘re-thinking’ everything I have ever known about myself as a mother (I was pregnant with my first child in 1970), and now as a grandmother (and even as a sister).  I can feel it – I am ‘being changed’ from the core of my being outward.  This is HARD WORK HEALING.

This is ‘sickening work.’  (So many FEELINGS!)  What happened to me in the first 18 years of my life was SICK!  Mother was SICK beyond belief!  (So was my father to NEVER protect me, etc.)

These are big wounds I am talking about.  I suffered so much that if I EVER even consider looking in a wider circle at what I lived through to learn more about those experiences than I already know, I shut everything down in my thoughts immediately.

I never get past this:  I simply SHOULD NOT BE ALIVE.  There is NO understandable way I survived what I did and am still here.

BUT.  I am evidently learning to understand on a much deeper level more about the nitty-gritty workings that allowed me to not only NOT abuse my children, but to do SO MUCH MORE good for them than I can imagine I ‘should’ have ever been able to do.  I did everything in my power to prevent them from ever suffering.  In doing that I “accidentally” did things right.

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There are mysteries here.  I count on them being explained to me in the next world.  BUT when some parts of those mysteries come to be faced in my body – and then inescapably by me who lives with this body – I count on some important healing benefits coming into my life now.

NOT an easy process.  To be discovering now that something so precious, so positive, so sacred to me as my relationships with my children and my grandchildren is so intertwined with my experiences of trauma is profoundly disturbing to me.  This healing crisis is literally – creating one big ‘chunk of change’ in me.

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And – a welcome great mystery that we met in this crazy life – I cannot even begin to imagine how I would be getting through these difficult stages of my life right now without my amazing friend who lives half a nation away from me.  He is always on the other end of my telephone when I need him with the utmost caring, compassion, empathy, understanding, knowledge, wisdom and love.  Thank you, Sandy, with all of my heart and soul!  Thank you!

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you dare.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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Friday, January 29, 2015.  My oh my this week flew by although flying isn’t exactly how the going-through-the-time-of-it felt like!  “Just” life!  What a process!

I wanted to mention a research-related page I currently have open on my computer that I found yesterday.  Accidents happen with a 2-year-old in my apartment during these days.  I have my machine as high up as I can get it in this tiny apartment but he is a very tall child and already once this week he crossed the line of “NO NO” and somehow closed all the tabs of research on my computer and actually broke the scroll button on my mouse.

So I have no real confidence what’s on my screen will stay put, and pages that I stumble upon are not likely to reappear as my thinking-searching lines change moment-to-moment.  I often simply accidentally happen upon things that intrigue me.  Fodder for streams of my thinking that I cannot REALLY pursue.

Like this one.  So WAY out of my range of knowledge!  BUT I love the language in here which speaks to my imagination – to the poesis of my mind – it is beautiful!  And intriguing!  And infinitely useful metaphorically speaking!

I have to capture this title now because I doubt I would ever be able to stumble upon it again!

Quantum error correction in a solid-state hybrid spin register

Nope.  I don’t really have a clue what these authors are talking about!  BUT, because I believe that in some mysterious way all of the Creator’s creation happens in some glorious, beautiful way to mirror the reality of spirituality within it, that what this article speaks about on the “quantum” level is true on many other levels of existence, as well!

++

I did a brief (for me, ‘cause I have no real time right now to pursue any serious thoughts ‘cept as they relate to the simple facts of getting through my days) online search for these terms yesterday:  error detection correction epigenetics.

I know that “error detection” is a HUGE part of what our rapidly forming Anterior Cingulate Coretex is involved with as it begins to process information and form itself from the moment we are born (and evidently not BEFORE that moment).  It dawned on me as I ironed some cloth for the bags I am sewing yesterday that if error detection is involved in this brain region then OF COURSE – DA! – solutions and corrections must ALSO be connected to the growth and processing of this brain region.

So then I found this article:  Time Course of Error Detection and Correction in Humans: Neurophysiological Evidence

Of course I didn’t get very far at all scanning this article before I encountered this term:  efference copy.  Very interesting.  THIS explains why we are unable to tickle our self!!

WOW!

Not that I had actually been wondering about that!  BUT!!

Of course there were other interesting tangential things that appeared yesterday at the end of my fingertips, like a description for the term SOLVER I had never encountered before.

Simply put, my ironing board revelations led me on to exploring in the brief moments before the little one awoke from his nap how it is that humans – in particular – although all of the natural world must do this innately – attempt to SOLVE problems!!

Problem solving.  OF COURSE that has to be what maintaining ongoing life is about!

From the “Time Course” article – I love finding LANGUAGE that my left brain can use to begin to describe what my right brain seems to so solidly and unequivocally KNOWS:

“To adapt their behavior to an ever-changing environment, humans need to be able to monitor their performance and to detect and correct any errors.”

“This mechanism [being described] compares an internal goal with the predicted consequences of the ongoing movement, made available through the efference copy…. An internal “error signal” is generated if a mismatch is detected by the system.”

I wish I had time and a focus of thought right now that would let me follow my inner research inclinations right now.  But I don’t.  By the time I finish my child caring tasks here and hopefully find a way to return to my high desert Arizona home town by next September an entirely new host of research related to my questioning will have appeared.  I must wait….

In the meantime I am affirmed that at least in the language of research what I KNOW as an extreme severe early trauma survivor is that we ARE all born to find and implement solutions to life’s ongoing problems.  EVERY ONE of us is geared by natural design to problem solve.  We are BORN “solvers.”

Sometimes what needs to happen to have big problems solved is not available on earth right now.  Time has to pass.  Our species has to continue to evolve.  Yet at the same time biology KNOWS both how to adapt to life changes even when solutions don’t seem broadly available so that individuals can HOPEFULLY keep producing offspring so that our species CAN move forward – in the best ways possible until the best world possible DOES in fact exist on earth.

I believe that WILL happen.  It is only a matter of time.

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you dare.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

++++

Sunday, January 25, 2015.  It is more than a human urge to desperately want to “feel felt.”  It is a biological imperative that cannot be overridden.  This imperative lies at the center of the wheel of who we are.  The degrees of fulfillment of this imperative determine the direction of our development from the moment we are born.  And our physiological development even before we are born prepares us in every way for the kind of world we are living within:  Safe or unsafe, which translates within our growing body as being degrees of calm or stressful.

Some of us found that the world we were born into was not calm.  It was not even stressful.  It was dangerous and in all the critical ways that matter to members of a social species, our world was a threat to our survival.  Our response?  DISTRESS.

All of our physiological systems, to the degree that they were able, began to change the trajectory of their development to ensure our survival in a world that was NOT going to meet our basic needs.  What did “top level management” understand about the risk and danger of the malevolent world we came into?  It understood that we were NOT going to FEEL FELT.

Nobody was going to pay attention to how WE felt about anything that mattered to us.

If we are NOT felt, and we detect on the level of our body that this is so, then our physiological development changes accordingly to keep us alive in a dangerous world. Simple as that.

Yes, this is GRIM TALK.  Grim.  But here we still here.  We did well at staying alive thanks to the flexible engineering of human genetics and its expression.  But in many ways that matter most to human beings, especially to those born into a GOOD ENOUGH early caregiving environment, we are NOT WELL!  This fact can simply be translated into – we lack the most basic abilities required for a life time of well-being.  We DO NOT feel safe – EVER.

True, we can finagle our thinking in our conscious ways of interacting moment to moment to convince our self that “all is REALLY OK,” but down in the “basement” of our existence, down deep within us where the molecular process work to sustain our existence, our BODY self knows that “in great danger at the start of life = in great danger for the rest of life.”

++

Where do these changes due to our Trauma Altered Development show up?  They show up when we try to think about OR tell our self or anyone else our life story, the narrative of our life.

Our story never lies.

++

Google search these terms:  “stop the storm adult attachment interview” and “stop the storm coherent narrative” for a few links to past posts on this blog on this subject.

++

I have for years asserted that (A) healing our self heals our life story, and (B) healing the telling of our life story heals our self.

I know now from a few years forward in time that while what I thought ‘back then’ is NOT untrue, there is more to the story of story.  SOMEBODY HAS TO BE THERE TO HEAR OUR STORY as we tell it – or we are right back where we started from at the start of our early trauma-filled life!

Feeling felt requires that someone HEARS us, fully HEARS us!

This is really what safe and secure attachment is ALL about – down to the essence of our physiological development, at the level of our genetic machinery and its expression.  If there is nobody THERE to HEAR us, to FEEL us as in EMPATHY will all capital letters, then we are – ALL ALONE IN A DANGEROUS WORLD!

We are unsafe.  We are insecure.  And that HURTS us in every way.

++

So, what happens in cases like mine when my experiences were so terrible that NOBODY can even read my story now?  What happens when our true story is so traumatic it traumatizes other people who WOULD reach in to our life to hear and feel us if it was safe for them to do so – but they cannot because our story – our truth – is too much for them to bear?

Good question.  Really, really good question.

++

I had big hopes nearly a year ago when my daughter approached Dr. Bruce Perry at a conference she attended to hear him speak and gave him a copy of our book, Story Without Words.  He accepted the manuscript and promised to read it to write a blurb about it – if he chose to.  He told my daughter that he “always wants to hear what adult survivors have to say.”

We have heard no word from him.  Sure, he must be incredibly busy but how long do we wait before we conclude he is not going to respond back to us?

What if reading an adult’s story such as the small segment of mine that exists in this book is more than he can afford to bear – personally?  What if it is an entirely different matter to do everything in one’s power to “help” hurting kids – who are in fact quite unable to TRULY tell the breadth and depth of their story?

After all, no adult is responsible (response-able) to DO ANYTHING for anyone whose true story they cannot bear to hear.  Nothing but silence reigns.  A silent story.  Great.  Very hard to feel felt THAT way!

++

My siblings share the silence that contains our shared childhood story.  One of my sisters spoke with me yesterday about how she wanted to write her memoirs to share with her children, grandchildren, and to pass into the future for following generations.  She has found that the pain and terror that exists in that story is far too much for her to healthily bear.

I know what she means.

I asked her if she could tell her story better to her grandchildren.  Perhaps they and her children could come up with questions for an interview with her.  It came to me that any version of our story we felt was “good enough” and “safe enough” to tell our early-teen age grandchildren would probably be the ONLY version that was good enough and safe enough for us to tell our self.

But what about the vast, VAST rest of our TRUE story that we cannot afford to tell our self and that nobody else can afford to listen to?  (I have to begin to think at this point that if Dr. Perry cannot read my story, or even get past its cover, then I have no real hope of finding ANYONE to resonate with personally.  Nobody to be there to give me that essential gift of FEELING FELT.

Until I get to the next world.

My story will be no problem for ANYONE on that side, in that eternal world where only goodness exists.  I bank on that world with every fiber of my being.  I count on it.  In that world great holy souls and angels, and my very Creator and all the earthly Manifestations of love throughout human history, will already know my story.  They will resolve all the mysteries in my life.  THERE I WILL be healed.

I have no doubt.

And, yes, that does seem a long time to wait….

In the meantime I make it my business to work as hard as I can to envision a world on earth as it WILL come to exist where NOBODY will have stories to tell that NOBODY can afford to hear.

++++++++++++++++

NOTE:  The truth is that the story my mother had to tell could not be heard by anyone, including her self.  It broke her mind.  Then she acted out the story through her psychosis.  Her children and her husband were her “players.”

When anyone of any age FEELS FELT that means that the person/people doing the FEELING HAVE to respond appropriately.  That’s the way this works.  There is no other way.  If the story hurts, the hearer WILL help.  There is no other choice.

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you can.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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Saturday, January 23, 2015.  I just watched this thought – and emotion – provoking PBS movie that was recommended to me recently:

Rich Hill

An INDEPENDENT LENS movie

Director Andrew Droz Palermo was recently named “25 New Faces of Independent Film” by Filmmaker Magazine

Sundance Grand Jury Prize-winner Rich Hill follows three teenage boys, Andrew, Harley, and Appachey, as they struggle with isolation, broken families, and lack of opportunity in their Missouri town, where the idea of the American Dream may remain elusively out of reach, but the desire for a better tomorrow remains.

Rich Hill can be streamed free of charge from the PBS website through Tuesday, February 3^rd.

To watch Rich Hill – Click HERE:  http://video.pbs.org/program/independent-lens/ —

Scroll down until you see the title listed among the other movies offered.

++

This is the main webpage for information about this documentary:  http://www.richhillfilm.com/

The last link at the right along the top of this page is this:  IMPACT – which includes this information:

MAKING A DIFFERENCE

In partnership with non-profit organizations, experts, and leaders around the country, we are developing an impact and engagement campaign for RICH HILL that will give audiences meaningful ways to support vulnerable kids and their families living in low-income households in rural America.

In the meantime, there are wonderful people and organizations at local and national levels working to bring resources to small town and rural communities. Consider supporting your local school, food bank, CASA chapter, or any of the following national organizations:

The Center for Juvenile Justice Reform

The Full Frame Initiative

The National Center for Children in Poverty

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

To set up an educational screening in your classroom, please contact Mat Levy at Passion River: mat@passionriver.com
To set up a community screening at your non-profit, church, community group, etc., please contact Kayleigh Butera: kbutera@theorchard.com

 ++

Now, the hard part.  I was grateful for being able to watch this fine movie at home – alone – so that I could put the action  on pause when I needed to and walk away when I needed to.  The subject matter and the young men’s stories tore at my heart in many, many ways.

No matter what materials are given to a person their life is their work of art.  But what burdens some people have been given to bear, and how little to work with to resolve their problems!

Where is social justice, accountability, response-ability?

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase – if you dare.

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

 

++++

Saturday, January 23, 2015.  I had no context for and no perspective about the horrors that happened to me during the first 18 years of my life until I was 29 years old.  At that point someone in AA had “12-stepped me” by telling me her story.  I entered a 7-week in-patient alcohol treatment program October 1980.  Treatment for marijuana addiction did not yet exist.  I was able to “translate” into AA terms what I knew about my own life.

It was in that treatment program that I first told ANYONE ANYTHING about what happened to me as a child.  I did not know I was abused.  I did not know I was a victim.  I did not know I was “depressed.”  (I know now I was using pot daily to self-medicate that depression.)  I knew NOTHING about these concepts.

In essence, I had no information to use to begin to understand anything about myself until “that story” was told to me and some kind of resonance began to reverberate within me.

I only mention these aspects of my life in passing today because there is one point I am pondering at this moment.  Through over 25+ years of healing work on my part I ALWAYS insisted that there was no active alcoholism or any other “substance” addiction to explain the insanity within my home of origin.

It took all of these 25+ years for me to figure out on my own that my so-abusive mother was severely mentally ill.  It has only been in the past two years that I also learned on my own that she was severely PSYCHOTICALLY mentally ill.  And – in my life – that might be THE MOST IMPORTANT point for me to come to understand.

++

This morning my thoughts seem to be tapped by a rivulet of awareness and memory that I can only think is coming to me by my “nerves” that have been touched this week with a commenter’s mention of addiction (Adult Children of Alcoholics – ACoA).  A piece of information is coming clear to me out of the fog of memory stored away where I do not usually go.  The piece is coming to a new look.

I have sorted and transcribed volumes of my mother’s writings that came into my hands upon her death in 2003.  Among those years of diaries and letters I found a description of her diet pill (speed) use during her pregnancy 1960-61 as “samples” of the drug were pushed upon her by her doctor during her prenatal clinic visits.  And I mean PUSHED as in “You are FAT!  Do something about it!  TAKE THESE PILLS!”

I was 8 years old when she became pregnant with this, her 5^th child and 9 years old in 4^th grade by the time she gave birth.  For some interesting reason I can’t quite track right now (nor does that matter), today memories of that year’s time are coming back to me in a new context:  My mother was not only psychotically mentally ill during this time, she was ALSO under the influence of powerful drugs.

++

This means, I see at this moment, that her psychosis-driven terrible abuse of me during this year was AMPLIFIED not ONLY by her pregnancy but ALSO by the speed she was consuming.  (And, yes, I believe this child of hers suffers from life-long effects of  her use of those drugs during her pregnancy.)

We moved down off of our Alaskan mountain homestead during these months and were living in an apartment building in Anchorage.  This gives me a kind of enclosed circumstances for memories so that I have them placed along the chaotic time-line of my childhood.  I know WHERE we were living so I have a context for certain “bunches” of memories that belong in this time frame.

Some of the memories are HORRIBLE!

They haunted me this morning like tendrils of really toxic smoke leaking out around a formidable closed door I keep so many of my memories sealed behind.  For my own good.  For the good of everyone around me.  So I can keep on going.

Those memories.

Well, I was gifted with being able to spend a couple of hours this morning visiting with some women friends of mine and from this venture another set of my memories from this time period came back to me.  I can hold those up like a lighted liberty torch and this fact makes it a small bit easier to tangentially think about the horrific ones.

The horrible ones HAPPENED to me.  Bad things were DONE to me.  Those actions hurt me but they did not originate within ME.  Only goodness came from within child-me.  As I have written before on this blog, being able to locate OUR perfect child SELF in our abusive childhoods is essential to our degrees of well-being – both as we consider what we lived through THEN and absolutely necessary for us – NOW!

(See earlier posts:  +THAT MESS – WAS NEVER MINE; +WHEN THE GOODNESS APPEARS IN SPITE OF THE TRAUMAS)

++

I just had another train of thoughts appear connected to what I planned to say next.  It has yet again to do with my internal arguments against current use of the concept of “resilience” as it tends to be applied to survivors of truly HORRIFIC early trauma.  People also use the words “protective factors” in their thinking along these lines.  HUH?  I am asking myself what exactly ANYTHING “good” in my life did to protect child me from ANYTHING that happened to me?

Nothing.

But before I get lost in THAT train of thought let me return myself to saying this.

On the bad memory side of what I suffered during my 4^th grade year was escalated insane abuse having to do with Mother’s obsession about my washing and drying the family’s dishes.  NOTHING I tried to do right protected me from Mother’s abuse.

She had created a list of 100 steps to doing the dishes RIGHT!  The list began (although I never have tried to remember all of those steps and never will) with the exact order that the table was to be cleared, continued with emptying dishes from the table of their condiments and returning those food products to their original jars and bottles MAKING SURE to meticulously clean the openings of those jars before I put them away.

Then there was an exact series of RULES about how to pre-rinse and stack the dishes, the order they were to be exactly washed:  first plastics, then glass, then silverware, etc. on down the line to the dirtiest pots and pans which had to be scrubbed every time to return to them their as-new pristine condition, on through steps of washing the stove top, refrigerator door, all cupboard doors, cleaning the floor, and wiping the dishes and putting them away.

I could NEVER NEVER NEVER do this job right!  NEVER!  No matter how HARD I tried.

I did not KNOW there was no hope for reprieve for me.  There was no way I could avoid the storms of abuse that continually surrounded and engulfed me.

One of the very creative special kinds of abuses (besides the beatings, etc.) Mother designed for me the winter of her speed use was to make me take any “free” time I might have had – in between all kinds of other household chores she assigned me – to sit at the table to write the entire list of 100 steps over and over and over and over again.

If I tried to “get it all right” after a meal then I was “in trouble” for “being too slow.”  If I tried to work faster I was equally in trouble for “making too much noise.”

My life was HORRIBLE with Mother and I was helplessly hopelessly in my childhood to SUFFER.  I know now that this was the specific design of Mother’s psychosis as her mind broke during her birthing of me to make her believe I was not human, I was the devil’s child.

All that aside….

On the good side as I was reminded of it in conversation with friends today….

I LOVED SCHOOL!!!  I had an excellent teacher.  Miss Evans creatively assigned projects to her pupils that made MY heart shine!  She gave me an outlet for my SELF to exist in my otherwise HORRIFIC life.

I have never forgotten my pure absolute JOY in learning about musk oxen for one report for this class, or the report I did on tomatoes where I learned they are a FRUIT, a BERRY and NOT a vegetable!

And most importantly I have never forgotten the in-depth report I did on Jane Addams who founded Hull House in Chicago.  I even made a puppet of her, carefully wrapping papier mache over an old light bulb and hand stitching her a dress so that SHE rather than I could tell her story for my in-class presentation.

Today I know it was MY SOUL who was so attracted to my heroine Jane.  It was MY SOUL that so delighted in learning, in beauty, in creativity.

Was it a “protective” factor that Alaska had the best schools in the nation back then and that I was allowed to go to school?  Was it a protective factor that my mother came from a Boston family that HIGHLY valued education so that Mother allowed me time to do my homework?

That other train of thinking lies outside my thoughts for this post.  What I do know is that I – as a person in my own right whose existence had to essentially – and I mean ESSENTIALLY be hidden from Mother due to the kind of psychotic life she lived in her mind regarding me – as a person in my own right I DID exist.  Among the darkness of the memories of horror that exist in my entire childhood I CAN find my shining self there.  (Today I am grateful for the help I got to be able to do this.  I am out of practice as on the whole I LEAVE MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ALONE at this point in my life.)

There were MANY other insane abuses that Mother did to me this year.  But I am now free to think about my new-found piece of information that at least at this time ‘drugs’ did complicate Mother’s illness right along with something GOOD and not just along with something BAD.

This matters to me.

++

NOTE on memory work:

I find that the nexus (center, focus) of any “work” I might do regarding the abuse of my childhood has to be located exactly in the nexus of me as a child during time when I was momentarily living my own life.  In other words, I have to look carefully to find moments BETWEEN direct attacks on me by mother in order to find my balance point before I approach a memory.

When memories are “accidentally” triggered it is hard to be able to stop from looking at the memory IN ANY WAY until I have located my inner — non-suffering — child-self first.

Due to the severity of Mother’s illness and her abuse of me I was hardly ever safe from her attacks at all unless I was at school.  Yet because of the amount of work I have done on re-membering myself in my childhood I can usually find my “islands of self” at times when I was just being me and NOT suffering.

The LIGHT was in ME during my childhood.  All of the darkness was in Mother.

But if something happens to trigger my sadness, my sorrow, my suffering “out of the blue” it is essential that I DO NOT in any way “go into” those trauma memories (if I can help it) unaccompanied by my inner-light-child-self as I existed all the way through my childhood – simply because it was MY childhood and I WAS in it!!

I had to look very carefully in order to find this me-self I am describing because my childhood was unbelievably bad and there was VERY little time when I was not actively being made to suffer.  I trained myself, is what I did.  EVERY early trauma survivor can do this if I can!!

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

++++

Thursday, January 22, 2015.  I find it interesting to observe how my thinking changes sometimes when I think about one thing I want to write a post again feeling quite certain I know where the post is going to go, only to begin the post and find my thoughts are led off in a direction I never anticipated.  This must be part of the living, breathing part of the writing process.  It can be full of surprises.

I THOUGHT I was going to write a post about something I have seldom said anything about on this blog because I feel I know so little about it:  Forgiveness.  I did type that word into the blog’s search bar and some posts did show up.  But never once have I felt assurance within as I think or write about forgiveness.

Because I often have a river of thought flowing near my consciousness lately about what resilience might mean to me (as I have mentioned the concept in some recent posts) I guess I am not surprised that this word appeared quickly alongside my morning thoughts about forgiveness.  Even the word forgiveness showed up now only in connection to some thoughts yesterday about addictions.

Life doesn’t seem to be about untangling a big messed up ball of yarn, to use a simplistic image.  It’s more like trying to separate thousands of these messed up balls from one another at the same time.  Things are so complicated, so complex, so enmeshed and, yes, “cross-tangled.”

To give myself a break I go back again to one of my main thought currents.  I don’t care how advanced any society on earth may think that it is at this juncture in the history of our species.  The truth is we are ALL children!  There is so much more we do not know about life than what we do know we would perhaps not only laugh at ourselves if we truly had an objective point of view – we would most likely giggle ourselves silly!

++

Yes, there is much, much suffering in the world.  Many of us know suffering with every breath we take.  Not necessarily so because life is so terrible for us today but because we carry great suffering within us from our earlier years, and because we are so sensitized to suffering we feel suffering for all who have suffered and for those who are suffering now.

But where are solutions in this mix?  What can we KNOW and what does that tell us about what we do NOT know?

++

I will explain below why I am bringing THIS topic into my post right now.  I consider these words to be the truth.  I believe it is vital that every single person on earth investigate truth for their self.  This is, in my beliefs, not only an absolute right given by the Creator to everyone but searching for our own truth is also our spiritual obligation:  It is our road home.

One simple note before I post this.  I have written several times on this post that “forgiveness” of my mother, my father, and for the entire ignoring public has been an extremely complicated process for me because of the unbelievable – let me see, I’ll say – SIZE of the abuse and neglect that was done to me from birth until I was able to escape at age 18.  Minimally my mother “should” have received a jail term of 15,000 years JUST for the physical assaults she did against me.

The kind of psychotic abuse I endured is nearly beyond comprehension.  No.  What am I saying?  It IS beyond comprehension.

The good news is?  I DO NOT HAVE TO COMPREHEND IT!

I DO have to forgive EVERYONE involved.

Impossible to do?  Well, it is anything but easy for me.  It is taking my lifetime and I don’t think in this world there is any kind of completion to “forgiveness.”  I think it is an organic life process that will last as long as I am alive on earth.

Now.  For those interested this is the most profound and SENSIBLE piece of writing I have ever found on the subject of forgiveness.  Why so?  Because its truths sit right where they MUST be – connected intimately to – of all things – JUSTICE:

+THE RIGHT METHOD OF TREATING CRIMINALS

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Twelve hours have now passed since I began writing this post.  I was interrupted – and continued to be interrupted – and now as I sit here hoping to be able to complete this in some kind of form resembling what I was aiming toward hours ago I know that I can’t.

++

The following information just arrived in my email, sent by one of my sisters who listened so closely to everything I discovered during my studies that began a decade ago into what I now know is Trauma Altered Development.  She included this note:  “This is SO important! You were so far ahead with your research on attachment.”

The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think

Posted: 01/20/2015 3:20 pm EST Updated: 3 hours ago

By Johann Hari , Author of ‘Chasing The Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs’

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This cannot all be simple coincidence.  If you scroll down to see yesterday’s comments on this post — +A WORD ON TRAUMA TRIGGERS AND FALLING APART – you will see some discussion on sorrow, pain and suffering in the aftermath of early traumas that were so severe there is no end to the tears connected to them within us.

I noticed that the commenter mentioned he found the link to this post on an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) facebook page.

My inner response to this writer fed into my motivation and direction for this post as I began it this morning.  I rarely remember any of my dreams but I woke from a dream this morning when my alarm went off within which I was crying.  The subject of the dream was alcohol and drug use by so many people, so many people that I could find nobody left to form a friendship with who was not affected by addiction.

Now.  This link sent by my sister.

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Yet in THIS post I was going to talk about a word that came to me this morning as its appearance is linked in my thoughts to my struggle to find a word that makes more sense to me than “resilience” does.

My word this morning:  ADJUST.  This word has DIRECT links in its origins to JUST and to JUSTICE.

Origin of JUST:  Middle English, from Anglo-French & Latin; Anglo-French juste, from Latin justus, from jus right, law; akin to Sanskrit yos welfare; First Known Use: 14^th century

Origin of JUSTICE:  Middle English, from Anglo-French justise, from Latin justitia, from Justus – First Known Use: 12th century.

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More than this I cannot say right now.  What I do know is that beginning with my reading of the commenter’s words yesterday (mentioned above) I must have let myself get too close to the precipice below which lies my own pain.  I feel sad beyond words and am haunted at the moment by my unshed tears.  No, I will not cry.  I know it would not help me to “feel better.”

What happened to me, and to so many others, is TOO BIG for tears.  What happened to us DEMANDED JUSTICE and justice was not there for us.  Nor was it there for most of those who became perpetrators when they were little and needed it most.

Research, as it is revealing truths such as this one from the article link my sister sent me:  “So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.”

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I know too much.  And I am not finished learning.  Many times this is a taxing, wearing, very sad process for me.  Yes, my own personal task is to forgive those who harmed me.  BUT?  What about the justice part?  Justice will not come until a whole lot more people know what I do.

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

• Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
• Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
• Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
• Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
• 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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