Tuesday, February 25, 2014I found something that focuses on the positive that I need to hear right now.  This is “big wigs speaking to big wigs” – about how to create change not by focusing on what is NOT happening toward accomplishing a goal but rather how to “honor the intention” to move in a positive direction.  Their employment is in areas connected to working toward getting humanity to change actions that are contributing to climate change.

I live in earth’s climate.  I also live in the climate I create within my own being on a moment-to-moment basis.  I am taking a look at my own climate!!

“Go where the energy is moving.  You don’t need to create it.  It’s already there.”

VIDEO:  Peter Senge:  Systems Thinking and the Gap Between Aspirations and Performance

This is an unlikely source for me to access in order to find new thinking about my old problems.  I know what my problems are.  Do I equally know what amazing positive steps I have taken and continue to take to live the best I can in my life WITH not only my difficulties but more importantly with the assets I have been using all of my life to get this far?

There are some amazingly wonderful statements made by the speaker in this talk.  I especially liked the first part before the question and answer segment begins.  But there are also many interesting and very helpful insights presented in response to the questions, as well.


I did listen to The Wheel of Awareness practice video today.  Twice.  I did nothing special to change the flow of my day as I listened.  My little grandson was doing his thing.  I was doing my thing.  AND I was listening to this meditation.


It’s not about changing anything, not about judging anything or controlling anything.  This is my first foray into awareness of awareness itself.  Very nice!  Very gentle.  Simply affirming of ME as I AM – not as I should be or could be.  Nothing like that.  But it fascinated me!

I especially found the section on paying attention to how thoughts come into my mind and what the do when they are there and how they leave and how other thoughts show up to be – well – FUN!!!  Truth is – I have NO IDEA!!

So it seems I will benefit from listening to that meditation in that video again!! 


I have reached enough of a crisis point in my life that I wish to find some way to expand my present experience of myself in my life PAST how I have been feeling.  I am not finding anything that tells me to CHANGE how I am now, what I feel, what I think.  This is a kind of honoring tradition it seems to me.  What exactly IS this state I am in right now?

I am not going to worry a bit about “how I got this way.”  That’s like asking a plant, “Gee, how exactly did you get to be a plant?”

I know a very great deal ABOUT how I struggle in life.  I want to learn a bit about how NOT to struggle quite so much.  This is sort of what the video is about I mention at the start of this post.  Find what’s working and go with THAT energy.

Do I know what’s working for me?  Not so much!  I must admit.  I have become a bit curious about that aspect of me in my life!


Part of what is motivating me right now is a statement that Dr. Siegel makes in the first part of this video which I also referenced in my post yesterday.  The first part is his succinct expert presentation of attachment and of attachment disorders.  I suppose it’s right around “18” on the slider bar where he states that (my paraphrase) the best someone with disorganized attachment insecure attachment disorder can probably hope for is to “move on up” to the less severe insecure disorders of either avoidant or ambivalent (preoccupied). 

That is not good enough for me.  I find that statement to be a negative one that belies the tremendous amount of work we who were most traumatized from birth continue to make toward healing.  As much as I appreciate the work of Seigel – I certainly beg to differ with him on that prognosis for us!  How DARE he limit his thoughts about our possibilities for improvement in such a way?

At the same time I recognize that I know most of what happened to change my physiological development in response to trauma is permanent.  At the same time Dr. Siegel seems to be extremely hopeful and positive in MANY ways that the new neurobiological information is indicating that we can change the way our brain is working in significant ways.

I don’t think anyone knows enough at this juncture in our scientific discovery to make a statement as fact about what is or is not possible in the line of healing for severe early abuse, neglect and trauma survivors.  On a personal level?

I am taking inventory.  When I make my grocery shopping list for the week I do it based on what I HAVE in my kitchen because that’s the only way I will know what I need.  I HAVE much positive in me and I forget to recognize that!

So – I am on THAT road right now!  Most curious, too, about what I am discovering!


Here is our first book out in ebook format.  A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono (we are still waiting to hear that he has accomplished this job) – what a gift and thank you Ben!o Click here to view or purchase: 


It lists for $2.99 and can be read free for Amazon Prime customers.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are WELCOME and appreciated!


Please click here to read or to Leave a Comment »



  1. Once again a post I can relate to…I completely agree that it is limiting for anyone to suggest that we can never or rarely change our attachment styles/types. I am hoping that some day I can achieve the elusive “earned secure” type. I have been working with the meditation practice also…some days it seems to help a lot, other days my mind goes back into its same old, not helpful, grooves…but the reassurance that they are just thoughts and I don’t need to judge them, analyze them, or beat myself up about them is comforting. Many studies done on how meditation can actually change brain structure, boy I hope they’re right!!!!

    • Hi Lisa! I am new to this entire ‘meditation’ train of thinking/activity. I am not convinced that what we do ALL the time is not meditation!! What seems to be highlighted in the Wheel of Awareness practice is the AWARENESS aspect.

      Because I think so much with my right brain hemisphere (and I was intrigued to hear Siegel allude to the fact that the right brain DOES have verbal language – I want to find more about this) I do not easily separate and divide information into categories.

      It seems to me that awareness – “by itself” – is not changing who/how we are in the world, at least not as far as the Wheel of Awareness practice is emphasizing it. But then in my thinking I would need to pause and travel all the way back to my own “awareness” I have gained about HOW I “thought” going back as far as I can remember to begin to answer my own questions.

      I noticed with my own children and now with my young grandsons that they can talk about things once they have verbal language that they clearly remember from when they were younger and had no verbal language. They were, then, evidently aware of many things when they were very young (they are under 4 now!) that they certainly might not ‘technically’ have had ‘awareness’ of.

      I was over 30 years old before I began to even understand that I had been abused at all. In other words I was completely unaware of that fact until I was exposed to ‘systems of thinking’ that gave me concepts with language about what had happened to me.

      I was certainly aware of what happened to me during my childhood. Not having a frame of reference or a context or specific words to describe THEN what was happening did not detract from my awareness.

      If I extrapolate from that process NOW I could say that even though I may not ‘be aware’ in some kind of verbally-named way of my thoughts I cannot simply take this to mean that I am without awareness of those processes.

      Siegel does absolutely seem to be saying that there is no dividing line between those who can change their brain and those who cannot. I question the LEVELS to which severe early abuse survivors can do that because I am also in possession of the facts that state many early trauma survivors (via, for example, the work of Dr. Martin Teicher whom Siegel references as very important to his own thinking) have very different brains than do people who were not traumatized in the way that we were.

      I do not believe in some Disney fairytale version of what ‘brain plasticity’ can accomplish for us. I am very leery of suggestions that we CAN undo what was literally built into us from our beginnings during our physiological development in a malevolent world of trauma.

      Because I am at the bottom looking up, trying to understand what those at the top – like Siegel – are sending down to us — I have to work very hard not to lose what I know of my own experience as I attempt to find useful, practical and positive new information that I can use to increase my well-being in the present moment.

      In addition I do not believe that no matter how hard someone even as knowledgeable as Siegel is can EVER truly “SEE” people like us. They can attempt with the full powers of their empathy and kind compassion to ATTEMPT to understand what our reality is like — but I again state that we live in an entirely different kind of body and therefore in a completely different kind of world than they do.

      So yet again — still — my work is about working to find what I can make sense of that will help me bridge these two very different worlds.

      Thanks for commenting!!

  2. I was suggested this website through my cousin. I am no longer positive whether or not this publish is
    written by way of him as no one else recognize such unique about my
    problem. You’re amazing! Thanks!

    • Welcome and thanks for your comment, Nikon! I am not sure what you mean by “written by way of him” but I strongly suspect you have the kind of horrendous early trauma history this blog discusses. I am glad you are here — and please comment any time you wish!!!

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