July 17, 2013.  Sibling abuse happened while I was raising my two older girls and I did not know it for many, many years.  It wasn’t until the older of my daughters by 5 ½ years who was the abuser was no longer in the home that my younger daughter told me what had been going on “behind closed doors.”  While there was no sexual abuse the emotional, verbal, physical and psychological abuse had greatly harmed my younger girl and she had remained silent.  The older had been very cunning and sly so that the abuse happened out of my sight and completely hidden.

Obviously I had missed genuine and important clues that would have informed me that something was wrong between and with my daughters.  In response to the following article I just sent to my younger who is now 37, she replied:  “Well.  That is the most articulate affirmation I have seen.”

Such a tragedy, and I shall no doubt feel guilty about this important part of being a parent that I missed for the rest of my life.  I am so sorry! 

I also attribute horrific abuse by my mother’s two-year-older brother against her as one of the key contributors to mother’s development of Borderline Personality Disorder with psychosis which made her into a severely abusive mother.


From the Prevent Child Abuse New York Blog, written by Amy Meyers and posted

July 16, 2013

Sibling Abuse is Not Sibling Rivalry

Sibling abuse has been identified as the most common form of family violence (Button, Parker, & Gealt, 2008; Reid & Donovan, 1990) in the United States, occurring more frequently than parent-child abuse or spousal abuse (Graham-Bermann, Cutler, Litzenberger, Schwartz, 1994). However, without current and national statistics to support this, sibling abuse continues to be under-recognized. No consistent national law exists regarding sibling abuse since many states do not have statutes that distinguish it as separate from incest. Parents who are not knowledgeable of the traumatic effects of abuse by a sibling may unintentionally perpetrate neglect, by failing to address the behavior.

Longstanding societal oversight of sibling abuse contributes to survivors’ uncertainty in terming their relationship with their siblings as abusive. A common response to someone claiming to have been abused by a sibling is that it must be a dramatization of normative sibling rivalry. After all, doesn’t everyone have fights with their siblings growing up? The cultural lack of validation of the sibling abuse experience leads many victims to not report its occurrence. Parental emotional unavailability and unresponsiveness to the sibling abuse leaves victim feeling alone and isolated. Often, because of shame and embarrassment, victims keep outsiders at a distance. This poses challenges for community members or peers to recognize the need for intervention. Furthermore, literature on sibling aggression often uses the terms “conflict”, “aggression”, “violence”, “rivalry” and “abuse” interchangeably which tends to minimize the significance of sibling abuse.

Sibling abuse is NOT sibling rivalry! There are distinct differences between normative sibling rivalry and sibling abuse. With sibling rivalry, children have an equal opportunity for advantage or disadvantage. Sometimes, one sibling is hurtful to another; and another time the other sibling is hurtful. Sibling abuse indicates pervasive, ongoing damaging behavior from one sibling to another in which there is intent to harm by the abusive sibling and an induced sense of fear, shame, and hopelessness in the victim. While sibling rivalry fosters skills of communication, negotiation, and competition, sibling abuse does not warrant any positive outcomes. Although a single act of violence may be deemed abusive, sibling abuse generally differs from sibling rivalry because the harmful acts are perpetual, consistent, and severe.

Sexual abuse is the form of abuse most often assumed when sibling abuse is discussed. However, like with parent-child abuse, acts of violence between siblings can be of physical or emotional nature. Researchers have qualified physical sibling abuse as that which results in injuries such as bruises, welts, abrasions, lacerations, wounds, cuts, bone fractures, and other evidence of physical harm or injury (Wiehe, 1997; Hart, Germain,  & Brassard, 1987). However, physical evidence of injury is not the only indicator of physical abuse, which could also include behavior that is physically intrusive, physically painful, and experienced as physically overwhelming. Emotional abuse involves active expressions of rejection and actions that deprecate the sibling, including verbal denigration and ridicule, actions or threats that cause a sibling extreme fear and anxiety. Another form of emotional abuse occurs when a sibling uses another for advantage or profit (Schneider, Ross, Graham, & Zielinski, 2005).

Victims of sibling abuse feel terrified and powerless to stop the onslaught. Despite its consistency, the acts are often unpredictable. There is no warning as to when it will occur, what will incite such anger in the perpetrator, and how the victim may prevent or avoid the next blow.

It is interesting that as a society we have rallied to the cause of bullying, through media, anti-bullying legislation, and outraged parents. I would posit that bullying could be termed peer abuse. In much the same way that we distinguish teasing from bullying, we need to distinguish sibling rivalry or sibling aggression from sibling abuse. There are parallels between peer teasing and sibling rivalry: variability in roles; equality in power; playfulness; testing of boundaries; and, the aggressor can be remorseful and take responsibility when the target becomes upset. There are also similarities between bullying and sibling abuse: always the same target; intent to harm; the aggressor seeks control or power; and, there is no remorse. Rightfully, serious measures have been taken to protect children from peers in the realm of bullying—as a society we have acknowledged the destructive physical impact or emotional influence a peer can have on another child. We also need to pay attention to the devastating implications of siblings who abuse siblings.

Amy Meyers, PhD, LCSW is an Assistant Professor and Chair of Social Work at The College of New Rochelle in Westchester, New York.  She has provided trainings on sibling abuse assessment and intervention to staff at Departments of Social Services/Child Protection and to practitioners at mental health and social service agencies in various of counties of New York. She also maintains a private practice in New York City. Learn more at www.psychotherapynyc-healing.com

Button, D., Parker, L., Gealt, R. (2008). The effects of sibling violence on high risk behaviors. American Society of Criminology.

Graham-Bermann, S., Cutler, S., Litzenberger, B., Schwartz, W. (1994). Perceived conflict and violence in childhood sibling relationships and later emotional adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 8, 85-97.

Hart, S.N., Germain, R.B., & Brassard, M.R. (1987). The challenge: To better understand and combat psychological maltreatment of children and youth. In M.R. Brassard, R. Germain, & S.N. Hart (Eds.), Psychological maltreatment of children and youth (pp. 3-24). New York, NY: Pergamon.

Reid, W. & Donovan, T. (1990). Treating sibling violence. Family Therapy, 17, 49-59.

Schneider, M., Ross, A., Graham, C., Zielinski, A. (2005). Do allegations of emotional maltreatment predict developmental outcomes beyond that of other forms of maltreatment? Child Abuse and Neglect, 29, 513-532.

Wiehe, V.R. (1997). Sibling abuse: Hidden physical, emotional, and sexual trauma. Second Edition.  Thousand Oaks, CA.: Sage Publications.


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  1. Hi Alchemy – this is Amy Meyers and I am interested in your website and how you came across my article.

    Gingercat – I’m so glad that the article helped in some small way.

    I hope that all your readers realize they do not have to be alone in this experience. And that society is gaining awareness of the intense ramifications.
    There is help out there!

    Amy Meyers, PhD

    • Hello Dr. Meyers! I signed up years ago to receive emails from the Prevent Child Abuse New York Blog (even though I live in Arizona), and they are the ones who sent this out initially. I felt the information was so important I wanted my blog readers to have the opportunity I had to read your thoughts and perspectives on this topic.

      My childhood and most of my readers childhoods were complicated with extensive trauma that could not miss the siblings even if they were not the ones being “directly” abused. I am very grateful to YOU for this excellent article and thank you very much! If there is additional credit you would wish me to add to this blog post on your article please let me know! Linda – Alchemynow

  2. HA!!! Should email this to my mother.My siblings suffer with NPD/BPD ( my whole family is filled with sociopaths) and I was tortured and humiliated throughout my childhood.It started at a very early age, my sister was the first to abuse me as a toddler she would bite my face and head, and pinch my arms and legs ( pictures of my infancy prove it).As my childhood progressed she and my brother would taunt me and throw rocks at me in the schoolyard “Gerry’s kid, Gerry’s kid”…they would make reference to the disabled children on Gerry Lewis telethon “Helen is in spec ed, she’s a retard”.I’m dyslexic and they removed me from my mainstream classroom so I was isolated and further rejected by my family members and peers, it became unbearable.But there was no safety at home because my violent, manipulative siblings ( particularly my sister) would continue their “campaign”..” you’re friendless, your hair is crappy, you’re ugly, the boys at school think you’re a creep, you’ll never play sports like me”..it just continued and my parents allowed it to happen because they were sociopaths ( BPD mom/NPD dad)- they felt I was overreacting, and my mother actually re-affirmed what my sister was saying ” you’re slow like a turtle, she’s fast like a rabbit”..I’ve never recovered from my childhood.I still believe that I’m useless and inadequate

    • You would have been FINE if you had been removed from that home at birth and placed far away with a loving, good-parenting home. Believing we are useless and inadequate is NOT the same as BEING that way – we can find ways to try to fight the battles within – and it is a LOT of work!! I am SO SORRY, Helen, for your lifetime of pain!! Your siblings were sick, true – but being sick does not mean that people have to be MEAN! People who choose good. People who choose bad. CHOOSE IT? Did my mother choose to be MEAN? I do believe in God, and I believe only God knows. I also believe there are special rewards for people in the next world who have suffered as you have and (my new concept I am working with) “endured with patience.”

  3. Wow, this is such a hard thing to speak out about. Really shows how
    Abuse cycles prevents people from seeing what’s happening. How
    So much more amazing when abused people are able to become aware
    Of what happened to them.

    I’ve just had a long messaging with my mother trying to get her to see and
    Hear me. She just couldn’t and we ended up at square one – she will never
    Acknowledge her own abuse in a real way.

    I’m so sorry! How painful. This is an amazing article.

    • I would see it now – I know more. Education is very important on this topic!! Good to hear from you!! xo

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