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Wednesday, January 29, 2014.  I search for answers and solutions in every direction I can think of as I try to make it through this life.  While I don’t especially recommend an astrological angle for anyone else on their journey I have found that when I have come to the most difficult junctures of my adult life some kind of astrological investigation of my chart – which I consider to be “an energy map” of my life – offers me some solace because it gives me WORDS and CONCEPTS I can use to inform my conscious thinking.

Years ago a very knowledgeable astrologer, Zane, pointed out the great “hole” in my chart that exists in the 4^th house of my chart.  In astrological terms this whole exists in the form of a T-square with a missing piece in Capricorn in my 4^th house. 

It is considered that such a missing piece in such a placement can dominate one’s experience of life as it motivates great effort to constructively and positively resolve the conflicts and problems existing in this kind of “energy map.”  Some of the most powerful contributions to the world have been made by people who have found a way to free their life force from this kind of restraint.

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This morning I found this:

The Imum Coeli and the Fourth House

The fourth house represents the most private, hidden area of your psyche, the opposite of your public image and the face you show the world. It is also concerned with all the things that you bring with you from your past; your roots, your family history and your home. Here, the search for knowledge which began in the third house ends and we come home to ourselves, settle down and reconnect with the well-springs of our being. The IC, or Imum Coeli, which lies opposite the chart’s Midheaven, is also often found here. Whatever Zodiac sign you may have here in your personal chart, the fourth house always corresponds to Cancer and the Moon as well.

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I have never tried to understand that term, “Imum Coeli” before today.  I still don’t understand it but I do understand that I am struggling greatly at this point in my life as the harshness of winter seems to be pushing against the essence of who I am with great force.  Due to the frigid conditions outside of my door I am LITERALLY “locked” within my apartment.  Having left my home far behind me this apartment feels no more home to me than a parking spot.

Yet I KNEW I CHOSE to make this move and that upon doing so I was going to face head-on every aspect of this difficult and complicated placement situation in my being.  It lies so near my core I cannot separate how I FEEL from who I am.

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The words Zane gave me years ago about this situation underlying myself in my life were:

“Capricorn, especially in a conflict within, is about REASONS TO KEEP THE SEED ALIVE.”

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I have been forced to live with great sadness, grief and “depression” all of my life directly due to the 18 years of severe abuse I suffered from birth.  I have stopped working on my books as I place my child history within the context of my psychotic abusive mother’s words because I COULD NOT at this time of my life pull myself through her description of me in her letters to my grandmother because I can SEE the depression – the great overwhelming SADNESS in myself as a child her treatment of me directly CAUSED!!!

In a very strange way my entire childhood and my entire life pattern is reflected in my astrological chart – the map of me is as specific as would be a GPS guidance system of travel in the material plane on this planet.

WHY???

I do NOT believe in reincarnation or in karma.

I do believe that God has reasons why our life exists in certain  ways and that the answers our soul needs about things that have happened to us – especially as very little people who hurt us – will be revealed to us in our future life of eternity that DOES NOT include our returning to this physical world.

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In the home of my body where I live severe abuse has left me living in emotional agony most of the time.  This is the truth.  I live my life not only WITH this legacy built into my body but IN SPITE of it – the best that I can.

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To discover a scientific background for what I am describing to two online simple searches and take a look at what comes up:  (1) genes child abuse depression, and (2) genes child abuse suicide.

In both cases research has shown that severe early abuse can trigger genes for these problems that would not have been triggered if the early trauma had not happened.  Even more significantly the research shows that having ANY SAFE AND SECURE ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP WITH A CONSISTENTLY AVAILABLE ADULT is the main modulating factor for the interplay between early severe trauma and genetic potentials.

There is much more information available – on this blog and elsewhere on the internet about these facts.  Without the warmth of the southeastern Arizona desert, its glorious blue skies, the multicolored hues of its landscape, the sculptural structure of mountains and unique vegetation I have chosen to place myself within a physical environment that is the antithesis of what my increased well-being required except for one overwhelmingly powerful factor:  I AM IN THE PRESENCE OF FAMILY and able to make a positive impact in the early life of the developmental stages of my two young grandsons.

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A few days ago I followed my astrological-related investigations into words that can help me structure my experience in ways that I can relate to right now into a site that gave me the following regarding a hole in a chart concerning a T-square in Capricorn.  This is greatly connected for me to concerns related to –

“accomplishments and tangible, material expressions of identity.”

The abuse I suffered left me struggling with Dissociation Identity Disorder – without IDENTITIES.

Had I not found a way to give into the horrendous force Mother put upon me through abuse to disappear as an individual person with my own self, my own identity – I have absolutely no doubt that she would have killed me in her psychotic will to keep me NOTHING BUT a projection of her own perceived “evil” self.

Nobody was there to help me – but me.

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I do not like to write about these deeper concerns of my survival that I live with daily.  I don’t like to experience them, either!

I have “made things” all of my life.  It wasn’t until I found and read those words about identity itself being connected to this process that I realized this is a “To be or not to be” concern for me – very literally.

I MAKE therefore I am.

I am therefore I MAKE.

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Some of the making processes I have undertaken have been very large and involved moving the earth itself – by hand – in buckets.  I built an adobe addition on my landlady’s house in Taos and walked away.  I built a massive gorgeous adobe garden in Arizona and walked away from it.  I make – I give away – I share – and I do not make money because THAT part of the making process has so far eluded me (except for the brief time I sold my sewn bags in Arizona last summer which was very fun and positive for me – and SO RARE an opportunity).

Once upon a time I even traveled far to achieve a master’s degree in art therapy specifically because it is the PROCESS of making that matters most to me, not any product per se.

I have had times when all I could do was beg bags of rags from thrift stores for free so I could crochet heavy rugs which I used or gave away.  95% of what I hauled the 2000 miles on this move north – thanks to the greatest generosity of my family who covered the costs – was STUFF to MAKE STUFF out of.

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I would not consider publishing any book that does not have my daughter’s name clearly involved to reflect her work.  I do not want the money, either, unless there turns out to be quite a lot of it down the road – which I doubt considering the difficulty of the subject I write about.  (Meanwhile I struggle along in poverty on disability fixed income.)

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It is scary to live on the edge of this precipice.  It is humbling to write a post such as this one about my experience.  I do not desire “the moon.”  I just want to feel OK!  It is vital for me to know that it is not “my fault” that I achieve that OK status so very very VERY seldom.  The reasons for my struggles are due to trauma changes to my developing physiology from the time I was born.

What kind of SENSE can I MAKE out of this kind of suffering that severe early abuse and neglect survivors cope with all of their lives?

It was ALL unnecessary and it was ALL preventable!  Stop the abuse and neglect of infants and children and this suffering will stop!  Not for those of us whose body has already been trauma changed but for the FUTURE of those destined for this kind of suffering if nobody intervenes to prevent it.

Yes, it appears from any reading of my astrological mapping that I was destined for exactly what I have and do experience in this lifetime.  The inner pressure that is contained in “the reasons to keep the seed” of ME alive is about making something out of all of this!  I have to focus on my hopes that something I know and attempt to express can help someone else.

I know not what else to do and know no other way to be.  For all of my struggles I still AM ME.  The seed of me IS still alive.  I intend to keep it that way.  Will I ever sprout into a world of well-being?  Will I ever put roots down in the soil of just being OK?  I don’t know.  That future still awaits me.

What I do know is that every moment I can spend with my family right now is worth more to me at present than anything else I can think of.  That does not mean that right here at home in the center of me that there isn’t a whole lot of other stuff going on that is far from pleasant.  I never stop trying to learn what that means.

Thank you for reading!

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono – what a gift and thank you Ben!

Click here to view or purchase:  A STORY WITHOUT WORDS

It lists for $2.99 and can be read free for Amazon Prime customers.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are WELCOME and appreciated!

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