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Monday, January 13, 2014.  As I allow myself to meander around touching the edges of the spaces and places that define my inner writing self, as I allow myself to express some of my thoughts outside concerns of perfection, I begin to understand more clearly that writing itself can be both a stressful and a stress-relief activity at the same time.  Push pull.  Come here go away.  Approach avoid.  Love hate.  Fear and confidence — or at least the fear of fear and the shaking of my confidence is with me as I begin this post.

Through this emotionally intense move my brain has retreated back to its overwhelmingly powerful right hemisphere interactions with my life.  Writing as I prefer the process includes a far more balanced interaction between both right and left brain hemispheres.  It will take some time before this balance returns to me — in the meantime I will brave the “detoured waters” and try to present a few thoughts here….

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I have written blog posts on the topic of dolls as it related to my mother’s expressions in her life under the influence of her BPD (with psychosis) mental illness.  

+HEALING THE TINIEST DOLL AT THE CENTER

August 5, 2010

*MY MOTHER NEVER OUTGREW HER DOLLS

June 12, 2009

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Thought:  It is important to me to be able to articulate my experience in words.  The choice of the first book related to this blog that is soon to be published, Story Without Words, is itself a testimony to the intergenerational links between early abusive trauma and the silence both thrive in and it create in its survivors.

This move has so taxed me on so many different levels that I can feel my “Observer Self” (whose job seems to include remaining remote as a documentarian) watching me limp and crawl back to a connection with my “Writing Self.”  Like muscles that need to be exercised following an injury I am forcing myself to try to write at the same time I feel I need to apologize to my readers for my current ineptitude.  “Lighten up on self, Linda!”  All really is OK.  There is no other way for me to be right now other than how I am!

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Thought:  I believe that when massive amounts of dissociation are forced to create themselves into an abused and severely traumatized infant’s growing brain and nervous system, memory processes are interrupted throughout the lifespan.  This means that associations between events are altered.  Because it is the nature of the right limbic brain’s structure to be entirely comfortable in a milieu of chaos where all possibilities are, well, possible, the right brain and its imaginal, imagistic, metaphorical way continually plays with images and the “facts” they MIGHT portray in creative associational – and dissociational – ways. 

It can take an almost supernatural effort to force the also trauma-changed left brain hemisphere of a survivor to create anything like the orderly, organized and oriented stream of thoughts that can be followed through in a written piece.

As I have written at many places over the years of this blog’s existence adult insecure attachment disorders display many signposts that indicate breaks in the “coherency” process.  The lack of ability to “tell a coherent life story narrative” is a hallmark of severe relationship trauma in early years.  Here are links to a few related posts:

+SIEGEL – ANTICIPATION, TIME AND COHERENCE OF MIND

+NEEDY PEOPLE AND BUMPY CONVERSATIONS (GRICE’S MAXIMS, AGAIN!)

+SECURE AND INSECURE ATTACHMENT AND THE CHILDHOOD NARRATIVE

+SEIGEL ON BRAIN LATERALIZATION

*Dr. SIEGEL – EARNED SECURE ATTACHMENT

*Siegel – attachment – emotional regulation and Disorganized attachment

*THE MEANING OF MENDING OUR LIFE STORY

*Attachment Simplified – Organized Secure Attachment – Earned Secure

+SIEGEL ON DEVELOPING CHILD’S BRAIN – ATTACHMENT

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ANYWAY!!  Back to what I noticed yesterday at Wal-Mart as I scanned the children’s toy isles.  If I could have found a soft, huggable, attractive doll large enough for my grandson’s to hold and hug I would have bought them one.  (Instead I splurged on a rather expensive Big Hugs Elmo.)

There was not one single doll like the kind I remember being bought for girls (I also bought one for my son born 1985) to “practice” taking care of babies with as they were sold all the way through the 1980s and perhaps later.

They are GONE!  Mother’s who refused to be limited in their own life trajectories by the “only” role of being mommy — have they stopped BUYING such dolls and thus have created this dearth of baby dolls?

If this is true then manufacturers of kids’ toys could have programmed their advertising executives to stretch their little commercial brains enough to market dolls to boys and to girls simply because if a member of one gender becomes a parent in some way so also does the corresponding member of the other gender.

Who IS parenting the current generation?  Have daycare (day orphanages) arrangements so taken over the DAY care of our little ones (for 10-12 hours each of at least 5 days per week) that we have as a culture simply decided to drop any reminder on store shelves of the fact that wee ones need care by ANYONE?  Eliminate the icon reminders?  Who is holding the majority of our nation’s little ones – DEAR?

Just saying….

Is the creation of a non-human fuzzy red thing (rather than a human infant representation) that promotes hugging for both girls a boys a step in the right direction?  Are we in the process of erasing the parenting slate of the past that left nearly the entire bulk of the care of infants and children as a “burden” and responsibility of females in favor of an eventual equal parenting future? 

(Is Elmo an icon related to the infancy of the “new fathering” archetype “being born?”  Is the equality of gender-free parenting a new evolutionary stage for our species – taking into account what I mention next.)

(From the developmental neuroscientific research we need to not lose sight of the evolutionary truth that males are not BIOLOGICALLY designed to provide total appropriate care to infants under the age of one as it is necessary to build their right limbic emotional brain and nervous system correctly.  Mothers who conceive and carry infants are vitally required to be primarily involved in their offspring’s care especially during the earliest attachment-forming stages of the first year of life.)

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See also:

IMPORTANT

++ the attachment relationship directly shapes [through certain maternal behaviors] the maturation of the infant’s right-brain stress-coping systems that act at levels beneath awareness – from – *Notes on Schore

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**Dr. Allan Schore on Emotional Regulation – Notes

+SCHORE ON BRAIN AND NERVOUS SYSTEM DEVELOPMENT

**Notes on Schore – Development of Attachment

++SCHORE ON DEVELOPMENT OF RIGHT BRAIN

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DEARTH

1:  scarcity that makes dear; specifically :  famine

2:  an inadequate supply :  lack <a dearth of evidence>

Origin of DEARTH

Middle English derthe, from Old English *dierth, from dēore dear

First Known Use: 13th century

Related to DEARTH

Synonyms

crunch, deficiency, deficit, drought (also drouth), failure, famine, inadequacy, inadequateness, insufficiency, lack, lacuna, paucity, pinch, poverty, scantiness, scarceness, scarcity, shortage, undersupply, want

Antonyms

abundance, adequacy, amplitude, opulence, plenitude, plenty, sufficiency, wealth

Related Words

absence, omission; meagerness, poorness, skimpiness; necessity, need, privation

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