We all have to live in this world one way or another.  Me?  Evidently more hermit than not, and not because I was BORN this way.  Eighteen years of abuse and solitary confinement made me this way.

So I am most grateful for my yard and my home.  I love living in the high southeastern Arizona desert because more months than not outside is the better place to be.

My garden is finally completing itself (with my work, help, play, enjoyment, creativity) along the neglected east side of this property.  For nearly three years I have viewed ‘the mess’ over there with no vision of what ‘it’ wanted to transform itself into.

Inch my inch I KNOW now — and thanks to a generous ‘free-cycle’ gift of much twisted-weathered 2′ x 6′ give-a-way lumber and as many wooden pallets as I can haul home (and play house with) I will soon have at least 100 feet of solid fencing — for…..

A herd of miniature whether goats

A miniature rabbit

A big rabbit!

I have to make THEM a house – so time to get to the task – after saying…..



I listen to the freedom of children’s laughter and their continual banter and chattering with one another.

How could I have survived NEVER being safe enough to have this freedom or this companionship all the way through my 18 years of childhood?



I have lived in this house in this trailer court-neighborhood on the Mexican-American line long enough to have seen the 7-year-olds since they were in diapers at less than one year.  I watch those that were old enough to come visit me and hang around in their little groups who are now in their teens begin to have those looks in their eyes – those looks that are so strange to me – the looks of the adults they are soon growing up to be.

I know for a fact I can trust all children before they reach about age 9.  After that the look begins to appear in their eyes that lets me know they are critical now (as they should be as they are most able to socially (at least) soon join the adult world).  I can tell they now have a boundary line of their own that operates as they lose the ability to trust anyone over their own age.  Why should I then trust them ‘in return’?

I am also not one bit a fan of ulterior motives – conscious or unconscious – I don’t care.  I grew up with a BPD mother with nothing BUT her own ulterior motives regarding me.  I, in direct opposite to Mother, never had anything like an ulterior motive until I was 17 (and that was to sneak out of the house to see ‘Gone with the Wind’ and ‘Rosemary’s Baby’).

I was never allowed – and therefore was not able to – gradually pass through the social-emotional developmental stages that everyone else I have ever met (having never yet met anyone abused in so many ways and under such insane conditions as I was) naturally went through so that the RULES of upcoming-and-arriving adulthood naturally fill up the gaps within people so that so little of the genuine child-of-integrity continues to exist.



What’s a missing front tooth?  Fine at age 5-6-7, but not at 60.  Not when suddenly out of nowhere a front tooth vanishes from one’s top denture!

Where did the tooth GO?  I have no idea!  Strainer in the sink did not catch that tooth as I cleaned my dentures yesterday morning.  Gone gone gone!

Toppled my illusion world of all’s-OK-with-the-world in a big hurry.  I don’t have the $$ to run to a dentist to have this all fixed.  A friend of mine took my top denture ‘over the line’ to a dentist in Mexico to see what can be done.


I know I was taking too much of my own opinion too seriously.  Thinking my older friends need to ‘lead the way’ and get old with their increasingly crappy bodies with GUSTO – with pride!  Get a golf cart to ‘run’ down to the horse corral to greet, visit, groom their horses!  Don’t be ashamed!  Age happens to everyone!

Yeah, right.  And me now with no top teeth?  Eating alone becomes a huge burden.  Forget smiling with confidence in front of others!

Where was I scoring on my uppity-vs-humility (reality) spectrum?

Did the angels (tooth fairies) snatch my tooth to teach me some lesson?  Seems so…..


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  1. Journeying hero – wow! I don’t have many words at present – time for hard work – but a real struggle this week, temps nearing 100 F — I’d take a light outside and work in the dark but am afraid of snakes out roaming around – high irritability today, so not ‘much good’ here – but just want to say my spirits are always raised and boosted when you stop by – I thank you thank you thank you!! xoxo (more later on a ‘better day’)

    • Lots of hugs! Strange – here we are nearing winter, short days and quite
      Chilly. I will think of you and hope for a better day and for some cool days.
      I’m so glad you are getting some livestock – animals are so wonderful. I
      Really loved that saying: God would have made us nicer if He’d wanted us to
      Like people!


      • I am so hard on myself!! Always expecting more, better, different…. out of myself — not sure if I posted about this (yet?) – a quite spiritual friend thinks that the ONLY ‘thing’ God expected of me (’cause He told my soul what was ahead of me before I was born – and I agreed to the job) – was to get through those 18 years of hell – spiritually unscathed

        I did that. I did a perfect job at that!

        My friend thinks – and this is interesting ’cause it’s going full circle all the way back to what I used to think before I had any ‘recovery’ at all, like in my 20s — that I was strong enough to take what Mother had to dish out – so (I and) my siblings could survive

        something to do with God’s bigger plan – having to do I think with the 7th generation idea “down the line” —

        I catch a tiny glimmer of inner peace when I let myself rest with this kind of idea — like standing at the start line at a race – only I have no legs – and I expect myself to run that race – if not win it – against all the not-terribly-traumatized and infant-child abused people!

        I want to — AM creating a little world out on the east (morning) side of my house – I want to just SIT with GOATS!!!!!

        much love! me

  2. Dear alchemynow, I’m wondering how you are. I read this post a few days ago and held it for a while – I’m a muller – I mull
    Over things and then something rises to the surface. So I hope you are feeling ‘held’ by God and your
    Garden.. Here’s a lovely quote:
    “Look, the door has swung open to a rose garden. A mystery of Light is melting the barred windows” (Rumi).
    I very much believe that your garden will help you and those who have lost touch with their child self. Those tweens
    And teens in your neighbourhood. I’m sure that when they’ve grown wise enough to be babies again, that they will
    Remember your garden and you when they were little. The light of my life was a great aunt who used to take me away
    From all that at home and let me read to her while she worked on her ceramics in her pottery shed. We had lots of
    Fun talking and relating as if there wasn’t a gap of 60 or so years between us. I still dream about her, as a child I
    Thought she was a fairy!

    I hope you had your teeth fixed. Its hard to part with something that helps us through the day feeling strong and dignified
    And and.. And yet how dignified are those who have done with those things! I don’t know if I’ll ever get there! I got so emotional
    The other day when my helplessness became apparent – I admitted to a friend my small self’s longing and felt very vulnerable!
    Yay! I love me!!! 🙂

    I’m going on the feather path of the shamanic way currently. It all began when I did my masters on the journeying hero. So I’m opening my eyes to peoples’ journeys,
    Thanks for sharing yours!

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