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Sometimes words can be so quiet that they don’t come out at all.  When that happens, I do things.  I just do things and do things and do things — and time goes by and things get done eventually.  The inner times, the waiting times.

Sometimes my thoughts and my emotions just seem like weather.  Inner weather.  Tides coming in and going out.  Inner mornings, days, evenings and night times.  Right now I feel like a tiny speck of glitter in a huge, huge world I am a part of.  A link in a never ending chain.

I guess it’s a kind of ‘world weary’ that I feel lately.  My Four Sisters — my disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment disorder, my PTSD, my depression, my dissociation — sometimes it seems they are so busy living my life for me I just have to find a quiet place, be as calm as I can manage to be, strive for contentment and exercise my gratitude — and then wait, do, wait, do — life is guaranteed change.  I just want as little of unforeseen change as possible.

Having spent a great many years in a seriously rocking, topsy turvy boat, I aim for the shallow waters out of the mainstream, out of the wild currents.  I just want to BE.  Just be.  (I just made myself a pot of decaf coffee — without the coffee!)

Those Four Sisters of mine — sometimes they shake the high-wire I am trying to stay balanced on — walking.  Thoughts running too fast.  Unable to sleep.  Skirting my emotions like they are pools of quicksand.  Wanting to run, my ankles are shackled.  No hope of even flying, hands bound behind my back.  (And I am very, very certain that these Four Sisters would not be present in my life if I had not been so severely abused for the first 18 years of my infant-childhood.)

Yes, something has triggered all this STUPID activity, and there’s nothing I can do but let the mud settle to the bottom while I go on — day by day, night by night — the best that I can — waiting while I live, living while I wait.

PS.  I have now moved my adobe making to my front yard — LOTS of work, and I like it.  I have a vision inside of what I want to see come of my labor.  THAT is ME, a sliver of me I can see ahead of me as I feel myself inside of me moving through the present, into the future, changing what was the past, making something new and different and beautiful.

And while I do THAT work, I ONLY think in the immediate present EXACTLY about what I am doing mind, body and soul.  Transformation.  I know it’s really what we all do while we live — alchemy now — turning what this earth gives to us into our self and then giving something back.  I can feel the beauty in that — and I am grateful.

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