Wednesday, November 24, 2015.

I cannot kill these pansies

Little bit of life

That they are


As winter’s cold and darkness

Settles outside my door


I hauled them inside

In their five gallon plastic buckets

After I left them out there

Long enough to freeze

Several times


Their blossoms have given up

Yet not their buds

And not the emerald green of their leaves

And certainly not their tenacious roots


I MUST love them

I MUST care for them


I will

It is a part of who I am


April through November they have blessed me with their beauty

They did not ask for life

They do not crave death

Theirs is a certain kind of bravery

Courage to the end


And these earthworms

Are they as silent as they seem?


What, my dear, can I give to them

Remnants from a summer garden confined

Gathered in a gelatinous mass

Having seeped themselves down through and out of the bottom holes of these buckets onto the plastic beneath them

Only to have found no real possibility of escape?


Do they live?

Are they dead?


I bury them again in now warm so-black bucket dirt

I can wait

We will see


I must apologize

I am so sorry for my own confusions

My uncertainties


I, too, share this life and death cusp

With all of you


This seek for safety

This holding on to life

This approach to death

To transformation



O worms!  I feed you water soaked cardboard and bits of paper for a winter in these buckets

In this apartment

Stashed so cleverly in a spare corner

On my kitchen floor


Unlike my species

If there is even one of you left alive

You will reproduce.




Would be glad

For that.


Note:  I cannot create my chosen spacing here without using “+” as markers


Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.


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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame



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