Saturday, June 28, 2014. I am unfamiliar with what it feels like to go so many days without being inspired to write a blog post. I miss the writing. I miss the feeling of inspiration that has always been a part of my writing. It seems that at present I am simply left to examine whatever change of direction I have taken in my life that seems to threaten my feeling that perhaps I have something helpful to offer others who suffer the lifelong effects from a terrible childhood.
Yet as soon as I wrote those words I saw it is a narrowing of extreme focus that has captivated most of my attention at present. I am pouring my efforts into my youngest grandson who turns two July 20th. He is in my care at least 9 hours each weekday.
On the grand scale it is being trapped by weather in one room of my small apartment that adds so many layers of difficulty to my task. It continues to rain often here. Winters in Fargo provide at least five months of frigid temperatures coupled with deadly wind chills. My own natural inclinations towards being outdoors year round in my southern high desert lifestyle have no way to be fulfilled here.
Yet for whatever personal struggles I am going through here it is my effort to provide this little boy the best opportunity I can give him to form his little self in an environment of supportive peaceful calm that now directs my life.
The terrible noise pollution of this place seems more than I can bear. I could list difficulties that challenge me here as if my essence is being forged in a blast furnace. I do not wish to write about what I do not wish to focus upon. The energy it takes for me to reside here is massive.
I think about the heat it takes in a kiln to turn a piece of clay into an enduring object of beauty. On the human level it takes the instant-to-instant living of life to provide what a rapidly developing little one needs to grow a nervous system-brain and emerging mind and self that will be the dwelling place that little one will move forward with for a lifetime.
Experiences of early life can never be repeated in terms of their critical impact on setting the trajectory of a life. Doing the job of providing whatever I can toward whatever this little boy needs when he is with me is the focus of my life. I can weather the challenges of my life but such a little person as my grandson is can weather very little on his own. At this point words fail me and vanish.
I see in my mind a circle I create within which this little boy is completely safe and secure. It is my attention — as I attend to his developmental needs — that maintains this circle which itself is a living “thing” upon which a newly forming life depends.
I am, of course, simply a part of this child’s life. Yet both of his parents work full-time which leaves 50-55 hours per week open in the daily life of my little grandson during which he is without his primary attachment people to meet his critical needs — which certainly do not cease while they are away from him.
My grandson will never consciously remember any part of this time he and I spend together and yet I believe these hours during these months of critical development add central value to the betterment of his future.
In the grand scheme of life on this planet our little theater is minuscule.
Or is it?
PS. I have a drumming lesson today which I am greatly looking forward to! Interestingly, I am learning a great deal about how my dissociation is operating as I practice. Perhaps I will write a post about that one of these days….
Here is our first book out in ebook format. Click here to view or purchase –
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.