I am taking a day off today to play. Am traveling with my new friend into a nearby town to have lunch, meet some new people, see the scenery. Wonderful desert rain last night so it is a new world today, and a beautiful one. I will do my best to be a part of it.
I woke up thinking about ‘comingled feelings and states of mind’ in relation to the book writing I worked on yesterday. Part of what I can so clearly see is that to my Borderline mother ALL her children, and in some important ways her husband also, were extensions of my mother herself. In her writings she attributes thoughts, feelings, beliefs and needs to her children that CLEARLY in fact belonged to her.
She didn’t know the difference between her own self and her children. Some could say we were all projections of one part or another of Mother’s internal state as she projected herself out onto us. What really happened was that we were INCLUDED within her own mind-being-self without distinction except we had our own body and our own name. As she contaminated OUR reality with HER reality we did become no more than ‘multiple parts of her own personality’ — for good (my siblings) or for ill (me).
I am thinking this morning again about the ‘anger issue’ as I realize clearly that I wasn’t BORN into this world to be an angry, hate-full person. If I allow those feeling states to swallow me up now — well, those are NOT me. They are NOT who I was born to be although like every other human being I have the capacity to experience those states along with all the other shared human states. But it is clear to me this morning that if my mother had NOT been so terribly sick she would have parented her children differently. We would then have grown up being (as children and as adults) more truly who we were BORN to be.
I work on being that person I was born to be NOW — and I was not born to be an angry hate-filled person. So I do choose not to be one — and for one reason or another I made that choice all along through the 18 years Mother so abused me. As I see it now I didn’t even know then that I HAD the capacity to be angry at her. I often think that by the time I reached my teen years if I had EVER felt my own anger to equal the trouble she caused me, I would have killed her. That was the only available escape route open to me as a child.
NIX on murdering my mother, too!
I know my anger is available to me, but I don’t ‘go there’ and hope I never will. At the same time I choose not to pick up hate and anger at her or at my father, I can focus on my own self in the middle of the hell I grew up in and realize that even then I was reaching from my own self-soul for SOMETHING else — and what I reached for was good.
I didn’t step off of my own path into my mother’s reality THEN and I won’t do it now. That doesn’t mean that I am freed from the powerful affect that her words, her continual verbal, emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical abuse didn’t weasel its way into my brain-thoughts (cognition). All of this DID not only change my physiological development so I could endure and survive that terrible trauma, it also changed the very foundation of how I THINK.
Working with Mother’s written words in the same book as I am writing my own story in is fascinating. No child truly understands the world of parents — their stresses, their desires, etc. But no parent has the right to usurp their children’s life like my mother did. But it happened. Now I work to find out more than I have ever understood about what happened to me as this happened.
I might add here: The level of severe infant and child abuse survivors of deeply disturbed Borderline Personality Disorder mothers know is beyond the current ability of most people to understand or comprehend. It is critically important that we tell our stories!