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Sunday, May 11, 2014. I allowed myself to follow myself into wakefulness at 4:00 am this morning at the end of a dream that is significant to me. It is not one I would have remembered while awake if I had not made my own recent efforts to pay some attention to my dreams as I mentioned in my previous post. I wrote the dream down. It has many implications. What are they and what do they mean to me?
The dream was involved many spiritual factors that are very personal to me, that I will not speak of directly in blog space. Obviously the dream had to do with making decisions based on either passive or active choice. I clearly made some important choices in the dream itself, and the dream alluded to choices I have made – and still need to make – in my waking life.
Today is Mother’s Day, a plain old day that our culture chooses to focus with attention specifically on mothers. I am finding so many new levels of complications to my life involving my daughter who is now a mother herself. The biggest conflict is probably around what decision I will be making about staying in this far northern town where she resides or leaving come fall to head back to the small Arizona town I moved up here from. My daughter and I have lost the ability to talk about anything of personal concern to me. We lost our friendship as far as I can see. She wants me to stay here.
As I see it I would not be true to myself if I try to remain in this climate and place that I learned so many, many years ago is not compatible with me.
One of my daughter’s friends from her high school years came to town this weekend to run a half marathon, which she did successfully (13.1 miles). I got to visit with this woman a bit yesterday and it was fantastic to see her again after all these years. I believe my dream was stimulated by something she talked to me about: “We must celebrate our OWN successes. We decide them for our self. Everyone’s successes are different.”
Her gist was that no matter how large or small, no matter if they make any sense to anyone else, our successes matter and have highest value to OUR SELF. WE DECIDE what goals we set, what pathways we follow. We as individual people find joy in certain things that might not matter at all to anyone else.
What I HEARD is that they are not SUPPOSED to matter to anyone else. That is what being an individual self actually IS!
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Last week I began to clearly see — whether or not this is a REAL point or not it seems real to me — that the goal I held strongly when I moved up here to care for my youngest grandson so he could remain out of a large day care setting during this most significant developmental year of his life (he is now 21 1/2 months old) is being met very well. I wanted this little boy to develop his SELF. I wanted this SELF to be clear, strong and powerful.
Oh MY! Spending what is now 9 hours rather than 10 hours a day with him mostly in a single room (I finally put my foot down that he HAD to be picked up at 9 hours or I would have burned out completely – never mind how much he needed to be with his parents that extra hour per day) is becoming so much more difficult simply because I met my goal! He is cruising toward his 2nd birthday at full speed being not-such-an-easy baby to “manage!” HE HAS A SELF — HE IS HIMSELF! He is NOT anyone else — and his ideas about himself in his life are often in conflict with those around him. So be it. That is a most excellent state of affairs no matter how difficult life may now be for a while as he transitions through his childhood.
So – I see success with my goal! This is not insignificant for ME. True, I was thinking of my grandson’s well-being for this project of mine. I have not taken the opportunity to congratulate myself on my success!
And my drumming. I LOVE my classes and am now trying to get in 3 practice sessions each day. I know enough about brain science and learning to know that a 20 minute practice with at least 2 hour break following for the brain-body to consolidate what it has learned in the 20 minutes is the absolute most efficient way to learn. It’s working. While I have not totally perfected my drumming form yet I am past the 300 beats per minute mark and speeding up.
I want to play MUSIC! At yesterday’s lesson Brett, my teacher, told me he is moving me to the next level. Next week I get SHEET MUSIC!! I know based upon what he’s said to me before that I am one month ahead of schedule on this. I also know that if I decide to leave here heading south when my lease here is up at the end of November I want to have made every possible step of progress while I can still be in this man’s presence. He has told me lessons can continue via Skype once I leave, but he and I have to be absolutely in sync before that time for that type of lesson to be effective for me.
Can I truly celebrate my drumming choice, love and progress! At what point I will feel there is success here depends on how I look at things. The truth is that at age 62 (nearly 63) it is pretty wonderful I am actually pursuing this love at all! And I am doing great at it!
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The tension inside of me as I learn how to be “just” my daughter’s mother without “friendship” is present constantly for me now. What will happen along the way between us I do not know. I can celebrate that I stood up for myself, that I could define a line that was crossed, and that I am letting myself “be real” with myself about how I feel. My choices ARE my own. Recognizing successes in my life, large and small, might turn out to be a powerful next step in my healing journey.
I guess I woke to a success. I remembered my dream. I wrote it down. I will not forget it and I may well use what was in that dream to inform some important decisions yet to be made. It is not always easy – or at all easy – to face and make decisions and choices. Even in my dreams.
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Here is our first book out in ebook format. A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono (we are still waiting to hear that he has accomplished this job – I think we will have to find an alternative!). Click here to view or purchase –
It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge. Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site
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Stop the Storm 
Today is Mother’s Day and I probably will not see or speak to her. We haven’t spoken since last July when my Sister and her kids and I went to see her for her birthday. I see Mom at most only once a year. Don’t speak to each other outside of that once a year. I’m trying to process some emotions today and I’m not even sure what it is I’m trying to process or how I’m feeling. I do feel a tremendous sense of grief, loss, and loneliness today, though. That’s all I know. And I know that this song, “The Garden” somehow fits. I hope you listen to it and like it. It’s very moving. Hope you have a wonderful day, dear Linda.
I am out the door to go to the small local zoo with daughter and kids so will listen to this song when I return!! This is the first mother’s day with my kids in over 20 years.
I hear what you are saying. I hope you can find some beauty around and within you today!! Even the delightful dance of a robin nabbing a worm, a tiny budding leaf — maybe buy yourself some flowers? You are BEAUTIFUL!!!! much love being sent your way, Linda – alchemynow
Powerful song – thank you! How true