Saturday, July 27, 2013. Sometimes a blog post title appears all on its own. I’ve never had the stamina to argue with such titles. “When is life NOT life?” I ask the title popper-upper. All I hear in my thoughts in response is, “When you are THINKING about life you are not aware that life is just life.”
I am very aware today that life for me right now is simply LIFE. I am aware of the simplest things. How tasty my organic green vegetable juice is and how pleasant it is to know that there is probably nothing better in life that I could consume. How I have been beaten by a bunch of bugs so small they’ve been named no-see-ums. (Ceratopogonidae are tiny biting flies barely visible to the eye. Referred to as no-see-ums because of their minute size and also known as punkies, sandfleas and biting midges.) Oh, these BUGS certainly have humbled big me!
We are supposed to be in the middle of our Arizona high desert monsoon season. It rained buckets from the 1st through the 11th of July and not a drop since where I live. Usually we have afternoon daily rains for 6-8 weeks. But we have had enough moisture to bring out the worst of those tiny monsters whose bites I am quite allergic to. I have burn-blister red legs and red swollen patches all over this body I live with/in. Quite the deal. I am hiding in my house and still they are finding me. (I tried four different bug repellants today including 100% DEET and they still attacked me!)
Besides green juice and wicked teensy bugs a major decision has made itself in my life.
I notice I am not quite ready to boldly state, “I have made a major decision,” which is exactly what I have done. I actually feel like I ended up in a deadend in a maze of my life — and am fortunate that at least ONE WAY OUT is available to me. I will take it.
Two and a half months from now I will most likely be living over 1700 miles from here in the northern large town where my daughters and my two little grandsons (ages 1 and 3) reside. Siberian COLD WINTER COUNTRY and FLAT FLAT FLAT. (I hate cold and I hate flat and I hate cities and even large towns. I am a mountain girl.) Yet……
I am very clear that with the changes that have happened through no choice of my own down here where I have lived for the past 14 years that if I stay here — I will die of loneliness.
I honestly don’t feel like I know myself — coming or going. I know that I am alive. That much seems about as obvious as I can find right now. I am in transition. My life will be transforming with me in it. I cannot guess at my future, really. I cannot even accurately anticipate the life I am moving into. None of that matters. I am simply moving, and oh! How many times have I moved in my life?
“In my life.” I write those words as if I know what they mean. I actually don’t. Not really. I just stay alive and life keeps on going with me in it. LIFE keeps me alive. Life.
I read a spiritual quote last week whose words are imprinted in my thoughts. I can paraphrase it like this: The soul has two wings. One wing is love and contentment. The other wing is self and desire, and it is this wing that gets us into trouble.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about this — because I don’t really know what those words mean to me. “Love and contentment.” Sounds wonderful! This is why I am moving. I want some of that — LOTS of that!
“Self and desire” gives me a lot more trouble. Is it my SELF and my DESIRE that struggles with making peace with moving too close to the north pole? That struggles with leaving mountains that I love for some of the flattest land on earth? Is it “self and desire” that tells me in restless ways that “I want it all” even when I logically know that is not possible? Self and desire, does this light the fire of my DISCONTENT?
Well, phooey on discontent! I am way, WAY too good at feeling THAT! I want to feel content. That is my desire but evidently that is a healthy, productive, useful, spiritually advantageous desire! I certainly know there is lots of love for me up north and lots of people for me to love up there, too! That will win the day, of course.
I am adjusting myself to changes coming coming COMING! I am taking this slowly. I am giving myself time to adjust, time to let go, time to say goodbye, time to grieve before it is time for me to leave here, this place that has been so good for me and to me for the longest period of stability in my 62 year lifetime.
I have lived in that northern town up there before. I have friends there I’ve known for 25, 30, 40+ years. I have family up there. I have much to look forward to — yet also much to fear if I let myself go in that negative direction. I will be leaving my home in this house and my big quiet yard filled with flowers and more flowers to live in a cramped little apartment (as I imagine the scenarios) cooped up like a wild caged animal during the dark frigid six month of winter.
“Stop, Linda! Just STOP! Go back to what you were doing before you started writing this post.”
“Live, Linda, live. Live in the most positive way that you can! Choose that. Do that. Live.”
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