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Life is not stagnant.  With the changes life brings people change right along with it.  Changing.  Like the weather changes.  Like the seasons change.  Because I am in so many ways in a holding pattern in my life waiting for changes I cannot anticipate has stressed me.  That cannot do.  I need to find a better way to wait.

With my diet cleansing and changes my body is changing.  That’s a plan I CAN do something about — and my work to heal my very fragile digestive system is progressing.  I do not know how long it will take for my body to heal itself.  That is one of the unknowns.  Yet day by day I am making choices governing how this change is taking place.  This is a very good thing.

My diet is still extremely limited.  I still spend most of my time at home with fast access to my facilities.  This is still not one bit fun, but my body is making progress – and me with it.

Fact:  The body forms mucus in the intestines to encase acidic toxins whenever necessary and possible.  This mucus can entirely line the intestines preventing nutrients from being absorbed properly.  This has happened to me, and detoxing is allowing that mucus and the toxins it encases to finally leave my body.

It is possible – because high levels of stress create acidic toxins in the body that mucus has to take care of to prevent (as much as possible) harm to the ‘main body’ – that the amount of abusive, traumatic stress I experienced from the moment I was born has left behind the very troubles that I am trying to help my body heal.  This means that the detox is allowing my body to release mucus – and as I found out yesterday – degrees of body memory that corresponds to the traumatic stress that created the need for the mucus all the way back to my birth.

I would not have believed this kind of healing were possible if I was not experiencing it.  I will not describe the infant abuse memories that came to me yesterday as my body “had a very hard time,” but the memories came through in thoughts, very clear ones, that I have never before had in my life.

These were very ugly memories.

I am now free of some major part of the body damage that those early assaults by my psychotic mentally ill mother did to me.  Today has, very thankfully in many ways, seen my body in a much calmer state.  I believe our body knows exactly how to heal itself given what it needs to do so.  I am very impressed.  Impressed with the work my body did on its own yesterday, and impressed that today it has stabilized itself.

I am expecting there are more levels yet to this detox/healing, but if this stage is releasing infant abuse traumatic stress trapped in mucus there shouldn’t be too much more coming.  Our bodies are such miracles!!!

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So I guess I can call what I am doing right now active waiting.  “For everything there is a time and a season.”  I am allowing myself to be quiet in my life right now, to turn to face my loneliness so I can better see what it can teach me. 

Meanwhile our monsoon rains have come and even though my depression is not leaving me with the usual sense of joy and enjoyment (in-joy) with these rains that I have experienced during the past 13 monsoons that have come and gone with the seasons since I moved down here, I am waiting with myself — to know that whatever I am feeling — is exactly OK.

Things will change.  I will change.  For now, how I am who I am is exactly OK.  As I eat clean and green my body is healing itself from the depths of my insides.  I must be ready.

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