I just had a realization that stuns me. I didn’t plan WHAT I would experience as I drink nothing but strained green vegetable juice to alter my body pH to alkalyn so it can heal itself in areas that greatly trouble me. (See recent posts.) I live very near my bathroom, of course. I am hungry all of the time. But I am SO focused and SO determined to follow this through correctly.
This may take 7-21 days. I don’t know how I will know I am done. I am learning as I go to recognize what my body is telling me, especially about need for repeated daily doses of calcium, magnesium and potassium supplements. But there is far more than just physical processes involved here, unless I include in “physical” the person that I am living in this body.
I have recognized how food is such a comforter to me. I would reach out and consume all kinds of things if I could, and because I choose not to (can’t by the “rules” of this diet) I am left feeling exactly that hole inside of me that so desires to be comforted. Food, of course, NEVER does that. I don’t believe I am alone in my interactions with food that believes it can comfort me.
A few minutes ago I realized that in literal, physical ways I am remothering my infant, newborn self!!
Because my mother suffered a profound and permanent psychotic break during her labor with me that told her the devil had sent me to kill her (I was a breech birth), she hated me from BEFORE I was born for not being human, for belonging to the devil, for intending to murder my mother. Nothing ever got any better. (Mother suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder with psychosis.)
There are plenty of readers who come visit this blog whose mothers were profoundly abusive and NEVER gave for one INSTANT the kind of love, affection, care and comfort to them as infants. This is infant abuse.
Every part of my life was contaminated with the toxins of trauma through Mother’s hatred of me. Coming all the way down to my age now at 61, I realize that being limited to ONLY drinking strained green vegetable juice during this cleanse is like feeding infant me not milk, but the greenness of life itself.
I realized this as I prepared aloe juice for myself and set the timer for 15 minutes so I could go back for another 4 swallows. I realized that from here on out I need to keep a detailed record of which vegetables are in the juice, when I consume the juice, how much I drink, how fast I drink it, and what happens to me afterwards (you know, the diaper part). I need to maximize this whole process by gather information about myself in interaction with my pure “infant” diet.
I realized I am doing for myself in a very similar way exactly what I did for my 3 babies, what I would do for ANY baby! And in this cleanse I trust absolutely that toxins of all kinds are being found and removed from the INSIDE of ME. That’s what bodies are designed to do, and once the toxic waste dump that my body has become is all cleaned out, something new and wonderful is going to happen. I know it.
A body that is clean and fed correctly is designed to heal itself. I want to know what that feels like! (Timer went off! I will be back after my 4 swallows of fresh juiced aloe.)
I am confined to my home as much as I would be as a newborn. I had to plan my entire morning’s intact of fluids and juice to make sure I could run to the post office in the afternoon to mail an important package without exploding before I returned. I made it but barely.
What will I do with my time? I have less energy, which is to be expected, although I still walk at least 45 minutes in the morning before my first juice. I am learning to give myself permission to LAY BACK and to take it easy! Not easy for me. Not at all easy.
I sadly think of the children being born in our country who are (unless their mother polluted them while they were in her womb) perfectly pure at birth. Then, a floodgate of polluted “food” is forced into their mouths! This continues and continues until when we begin to choose our own food it is the COMFORT we are really after, the illusion of trust, feeling safe and loved.
I have posts on this blog – I don’t think I can find them now – where I wrote about the connection between community and food sharing. We are a social species. We are designed to be loved and to get along with one another. When we are at war with our children, when we are at war with ourselves, there is no comfort in our eating! When we choose horribly toxic food to consume, which is what 99.8% of the space in our grocery stores are full of, we are putting so much toxins into our acidified body that there is little hope we will reach our older age without suffering from some (surprise!) terrible illness.
Well, for now I will be my own GREEN BABY. I am doing this cleanse because I realized for the first time in my life I can feel it inside myself that I WANT TO LIVE. I CHOOSE LIFE!
I didn’t feel that at all 5 years ago through cancer treatments. What I felt was that I didn’t want to die. That is far from being the same thing as wanting to be here, to be alive, and to do so as healthily as I can manage.
I imagine there are schools of therapy that would “do” rebirthing processes with me. Certainly my birthing was HORRIBLE!! I don’t choose to go that way, it would not accomplish what needs to be done. I need to take serious measures to bring my own body back to life — no matter how difficult this process may be.
After this is all done I know I will never be able to return to the foods I have eaten all of my life. There is no magic. I won’t get away with it any longer. So be it. I am ready.
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17 thoughts on “+PERSONAL POST, DON’T READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED”
I don’t know where to post this…there’s a decrease capacity in humans to “care give”.They can’t respond to another person’s obvious distress.It’s hard to be needy, there’s no one to help 😦 I need to escape, and I have to do it alone
Yes, I believe this is true. I think there is such a lack of spirituality – not religious stuff – but living with a growing kind of soul that knows the virtues of kindness, care giving, generosity — everything that is good in the world comes through the soul and has nothing to do with material ANYTHING!!!
I care about you Helen!!! I know you are far away (not sure even where) but you are always welcome to post anywhere on the blog. You are very wise. Very realistic, courageous, truthful and honest — yet escaping is very hard in any situation!
I think those who even have to live with that concept of “escaping” have to be very courageous even when the courage fails — to get the hell away from people who are toxic and are harming them.
Do you have any source of your income?
Would you have to take children with you?
Would he “follow” you dangerously?
I have no income.I want to take my children with me.He can’t follow or harass me where I will be going.This “trauma bond” is LIFE THREATENING! I keep justifying his abuse towards me, ” I’m difficult to live with.I’m not lovable.I’m too needy.He wants intimacy and I can’t give my whole self to him”..I’ll have to BE VERY CAREFUL about any relationship in the future.I obviously am at risk of being in this situation again.
“Bonding and attachments” are part of normal human physiology.. (Linda, you know this).Sadly, the longer you stay in an abusive relationship.. the more bonded you are to your abuser- this makes it so hard for the victim to leave.15 years with my abuser,,,it’s just raw attachment, it’s part of being human- of course this is going to be hard.
Are you sure nobody at a “woman’s shelter” can help you? That is what they are there for!
You are so clear!! Not that it makes the action part of change easier at all. If there is no woman’s resource place where you live is there one nearby? I am thinking not only of you – but of the children!
I’m leaving to a battered women’s shelter…talking to my therapist about the transition this Thurs.Knowing/processing what’s happening to me does not make it any easier.My trauma transformed brain is telling me to “stay” or freeze…this is going against my instincts, but my common sense tells me this is RIGHT..RUN!!!
YES!!!!! And it is so hard for us to ask for what we need, to need anything for ourselves, to accept what others wish to give us — but we cannot let these patterns work against our best interests!
I believe you CAN do this, Helen!!! Absolutely! We are in many way torn apart inside, have been that way since our birth. But the MAIN ONE is there with us/as us — I believe that ’cause nothing else makes sense. And that MAIN one can listen to all the “discussion” – powerful things – that the “other parts of us” have to tell us.
But they are tied to the PAST – only the main one that is me is tied to the reality of the present. At least this is how things are seeming to me.
I am very glad you wrote me here – any time! I am in your fan club!!!!!!! How old are the kids?
My children are pre-teens…I’ve talked to them about the process.I don’t want them to feel like they’re betraying their father ( this is so hard)..but I had them promise to keep our escape secret ( MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT)!!My therapist didn’t think it was “fair” that I pick up the children and leave.I hope my children listen.I’ve already been gathering legal and emotional support ,,,,that still won’t make this easier!!!!!I’m terrified!!
How do I tell them… ” your father isn’t interested in co-operating with me”? How do I tell them “mom is VERY afraid and it’s absolutely important that you NOT mention any of this to dad”?
WOW – I don’t think I would have worried about “being fair” to the kids at this point considering what is at stake. There will be time later, a long time, as they mature for them to be talked with about the whole situation.
Fear is hard to feel – and very realistic. If you’ve read any of my writings about the “stress response train” – not even sure if that’s on the blog, actually, but it’s sure in one of my books — I see the fear stage as being the one where we do exactly as you are doing — forge helpful connections with other people to assist us. This is essential – and you are doing a GREAT JOB!
Fear does not kill us!!!! It is so hard for you to continue your healing in the environment you are in — but you are doing important work NOW! I pray the kids are wise enough to understand what is being asked of them! Please keep me posted!! xoxo
I hope they honor their promise too…fear is the catalyst for change.Fear is a healthy NORMAL response to danger.It’s just my malevolent mind telling me differently
You are a survivor. I am a survivor. There will always be a part of us that is not intentionally out to harm us – not malevolent – just interested PRIMARILY with our continued survival. Unfortunately that part of us came so early in our lives it lacks wisdom and maturity — it is always there letting us know we are not safe in the world — but we can and do assure it “I am in charge and I am doing the best I can and I think that’s pretty dang wonderful!”
Hang in there — breathe, drink water, eat, sleep if you can — and pursue your plan! xoxo
Also – because I have not been able to stop smoking and it is killing me, during this cleanse time I am writing in a notebook – and there seems to be three “voices” in this conversation.
I feel very clear there are many many very young voices who together tell me the reason why I find myself holding my breath a lot lately is that they hate the smoke. They tell me it was the Big Girl who started smoking and they want her to stop.
I know the Big Girl has much to say but I am not ready to hear much of it other than “There is too much pain. The smoke takes the pain away.”
I am the Big Woman, of course. I am being clear, simple and careful with this….
Wow, how symbolic this feeding is! I spent yesterday feeling
Hungry too and actually ate little and often to dry and feel full
Because this feels comfortng and nurturing! I’ve always noticed
That certain foods are on my craving list when I’m angry/sad/anxious.
Interesting. Good for us all nurturing ourselves!!
In “The pH Miracle” book they write about the different life forms that grow and thrive in the toxic environment of our body – there are a LOT of them – and basically they live to consume the waste so they stimulate many of our cravings that create what they need to thrive and survive. Evidently they contribute to our sense of being hungry — because THEY are hungry!!
I have never encountered a book like this one!! I didn’t know that part of the reason our body creates and keeps fat cells is so that the body that is overly toxic has a place to put that waste to protect the pH balance of our blood – and runs out of ways to eliminate waste ’cause we put too much of it in — and the body runs out of places to put the waste, so fat cells very nicely serve as waste storage dumping cites!
I’ve already started a gluten free diet..I will eventually rid myself of my toxic trauma bonded relationship and live a vegan lifestyle.I want to live, I want to be happy..I have to get rid of the toxic, heavy, dead feeling I have carried for over 36 years..This is going to be challenging as my whole existence is TRAUMA
I know what you are saying (even though that is limited, of course) – I deeply understand. Please consider buying “The pH Miracle” by Robert Young. You are on my top 10 list, right up with my daughter and my beloved brother, of people I so hope will at least READ that book.
There is power in this inside out body-based healing that we CAN DO! It is not easy, but it is good and right – and we are doing this healing for only the best reasons!!! When we our body feels better we will think better, have the physical abilities to tackle hard things.
Please think about getting that book! So good to hear from you!! xo
I am directly realizing connections to how hard it is for me not only to trust when people tell me they love me, but also how hard it is to ask for help. There are some products I need for this cleanse, and maybe longterm, that I cannot afford. One of my dear sisters is helping me with this. She LOVES ME! It brings tears to my eyes when I focus on what her love of me feels like – and means – to me.
Infants are designed to be needy. They naturally express their needs and ASK continually and naturally for what they need. What happens for babies who are hated and abused who can never express their needs trusting they will be met?
My body sure knows.