I feel so sad today. I do not want these tears —
1: to endure or resist the action of (as a drug or food) without serious side effects or discomfort : exhibit physiological tolerance for
Origin of TOLERATE
Latin toleratus, past participle of tolerare to endure, put up with; akin to Old English tholian to bear, Latin tollere to lift up, latus carried (suppletive past participle of ferre), Greek tlēnai to bear
First Known Use: 1524
Am I an Icarus, ignoring even my own warnings and instructions, flying for the thrill of it, too close to the sun, melting my own wings, falling to drown in the sea?
No. There is no thrill of flying for me. There is no flying. There is no sun. There is pain, intolerable pain. There is danger. I could drown in my pain.
The warnings? The instructions I have discovered for myself?
“Leave you pain alone. Do not approach the shores of your pain. Do not go near it. Do not do anything that would bring you close to where it lies at the core, at the center, in your body, in your being, where this pain resides.
What am I doing?
I am trying to, actually both hoping and intending to, find a way to tell my own truth – in my words – that belong within the confines of these books I will publish that contain the words of my abusive Borderline Personality Disorder mother as she wrote them in her lifetime and as I have organized and transcribed them.
My own truth. My own TRUTH IS PAIN. I tolerate being alive in my body in this lifetime because I was graced with an ability to endure being alive IN SPITE of my pain.
How close can I get to the level of my own truth and not drown in my own pain and sadness?
I am pushing toward my own answer to this question.
My instructions to myself (and therefore to others) is to always honor the existence of our pain at the same time we stay away from it. The only time – THE ONLY TIME – I would advocate to others or to self a closer approach to our pain is if it can lead to our healing – and in my case, to the possible offering of something useful that can help others to heal, to increase their level of well-being in their lifetime.
But ALWAYS I would say, “Don’t you DARE go near this pain ALONE!”
Do not dare……
It is not safe…..
I am too close…..
How can I write what I need to, wish to, want to, intend to say?
I have obviously already gone too far in this project. I didn’t know this until I evidently GOT THERE! Here’s the sadness. Here I am in this enveloping could of sadness that moves out in front of me, above me, below me, surrounds me on all sides.
Here I am feeling this sadness that is a part of my larger body, my body that extends in all directions out from my skin.
I will not even mention what must be going on INSIDE of me that at this moment I can block from my awareness – because I STOPPED! Right here! I STOP!
I stop until I can find someone to help me because I cannot do what I need to do ALONE. (I have made the contact with the person I requested to help me and am awaiting a certain reply.)
Some of us were born into pain as we were born into this world. We have never really known anything else.
I am one of those people. My mother was one of those people. (My guess is that my father was one of these people, as well.)
The books I will publish are entirely about what this pain is, where it came from, and what being born into this pain did – in the first books – to my mother – and in the next books – what she, in her pain, did to me.
Our body finds ways in its earliest development to continue to remain alive IN SPITE OF this pain.
The only way Mother remained alive was because her body took a detour into severe mental illness that effectively blocked from her awareness that this pain existed at all.
I remain alive even though I know perfectly well that my pain exists. I continue to live as effectively as I do BY LEAVING MY PAIN ALONE! My pain has never – yet – completely overwhelmed me past by ability to find other ways to tolerate it that do not break my mind.
The weight of my pain as I can feel it right now – as I have ALONE approached it too closely, asking something of myself I cannot do ALONE, allowing myself to FIND where my limit of tolerance actually is – the weight of my pain requires that I back away from it NOW – in the safest way that I can.
This backing away means that I separate myself now from the reality of my own truth. I will do this in very practical ways. I will drink lots of water, take all of my vitamins, eat a huge chunk of watermelon after I drink milk with protein powder mixed in.
I will put on my work clothes and go out into the life-giving fresh air and sunshine. I will begin to take the lumber and horse fencing supplies out of the back end of my old ’78 el Camino and begin to build reinforcement to my little goat pen I made in my yard last spring.
I will then go find some friends to visit for awhile until I am feeling better. When I come home I will begin my different kind of work.
I need to make a home for the rapidly growing 12 golden chicks living in a box full of straw in my bathroom. I found and bought these replacements for the hens my neighbors’ dogs slaughtered while I was up north visiting my family. I intend to find a way to both have what I need – my little ‘service’ animals that grant peace to me when I need it most – and to keep them absolutely safe from predators who wish to tear them apart.
I will wait for reply from the person I have asked to help me move further in my writing by standing with me in full awareness of the essential pain we both carry.
There IS PAIN that is not tolerable. Yes, those of us still living and enduring in spite of our intolerable pain pay a great price to do so. It is only for the greatest personal cause that I can think of that I am working to find a way to get closer to mine. But for today these books will have to remain vaulted away from me and me from them.
For today I will go back to leaving my pain ALONE.
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