I will be left off by my dearest family at the Fargo, North Dakota airport for my return flight to Arizona next Wednesday, September 26th at 5:30 in the morning. Many adventures still need to be lived through here before that moment arrives. One of these anticipated experiences for this coming weekend involves a second visit in a week’s time with a woman who was my closest friend from the year I left home at age 18 until a time 30 years ago when a ‘rupture’ appeared in this relationship that I did not understand back then and have never had any hope — until now — of repairing.
There will probably be much I will have to write eventually not only about these friendship patterns emerging now in my current life after lying dormant (I thought dead) all of these years. But I need to get home. I need to ‘repair’ my own self from the tiring aspects of this kind of travel. For the moment I wanted to mention (mostly to myself, as this kind of writing so adeptly allows for) the first new glimmerings of insight that are percolating their way nearly up to the surfaces of my various awarenesses.
I haven’t written for a long time about what it feels like as an infant-child abuse and trauma survivor when this kind of (I find myself at this moment walking around my daughter’s living room motioning with my hands through space as I search for the words I need) —
As I HAVE written of more recently on this blog, I had no solitary inner clue, no self-indication, no self awareness that I had even been abused as a child until I reached the age of 29.
This abuse awareness came to me in tiny snippets of pieces. It came gradually through time, over time — as I was pushed, pulled, swayed, influenced — out of the shadows of hiding my own reality from myself – and most certainly from others – as I began to detect my own words – and to express them – a process I will probably be actively engaged in for the rest of my life (I just turned 61).
Right now as I open doorways again after these 30 passing years into the value that my friendship with this woman I mention meant to me (a very great deal!) – and to how much I have missed her —
I had a flash, vaguely yet tantalizingly so, of tiny returning memories from our long-ago friendship – of my interaction with not only this woman but also with her older sister during ‘that’ era of my life.
I ‘do believe’ at this moment that it was to these 2 women that I first voiced any – ANY – mention of the horror of hell I had spent the first 18 years of my life in.
I vaguely understand at this moment that as I voiced words to these women about the first tiny aspect of my abuse history (I don’t exactly remember what I described) – what came back to me was a STOPPER — an absolute SHOW STOPPER – that many if not most severe early abuse survivors will recognize:
“Get over it!”
“Nobody has a perfect childhood.”
“Get over it!”
“Get on with your life!”
Of course I am paraphrasing a flitting fleet of memory here.
Did I stand up for MYSELF?
(I can barely barely barely stand up for myself – ever – even now – actually…..)
At those moments I found myself speaking to my friends something about the truth of the horror of my childhood experience – I was (as far as I can tell) speaking those words I spoke to THEM — for the first time — to my own self.
When their reaction came – I shut up. I could not carry any of my own energy forward to speak again EVER to these friends about what was real and true in such a HUGE and important way to me.
As it was that I first spoke my truth in words to THEM
So also did I first speak them to myself.
And as I was ‘shut down’ by them (if not in important ways ‘shot down’)
As my VOICE stopped speaking
I again returned to absolute silence inside of my own self as far as being able to voice my own truth to ME – the one who REALLY needed to hear them.
That little tiny voice.
That all but invisible whisper to the world about what 18 years of insane torture and abuse did to me – who could hear it?
It took YEARS for that door to open again!
I don’t blame those to whom I tried to first speak.
I don’t blame anyone for my own silence.
I am today just suspecting that this experience is extremely common for abuse survivors. These patterns ARE harmful. They allow the corrosive toxic destruction caused by ‘prior’ abuse to continue unchecked, unabated, unaddressed — for far, far too long.
For today – enough said.
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5 thoughts on “+SPOKEN IN THE QUIETEST OF VOICES – AND SILENCED AGAIN”
I’ve been in a state of numbness for a while and i feel anger and resistance towards others who feel that I need to be content and happy with what my life is. After all there is always someone who has it worst then you do.
I been told to listen to people like Dr.Phil, Oprah and now Iyania on Own. To try to change and make my story to be a positive and other words GET OVER IT !
Will maybe at this point in my journey I can’t GET OVER IT. Just maybe I need to feel this anger and the unfairness of my life. After all I am just now getting in touch with how my life was. And someday just maybe I will be able to move on but at this moment this is my journey and if I feel anger and Bitchieness then let me run with those feelings without making me feel the guilty. I’m trying to figure out if I’m allowing others make me feel this way or if it’s coming from the voices of my past that says you can’t act like that.
It’s amazing to me that the main belief in people is one can get over the bad things in life as long as you choice to do so. Get over it, Put it behind you, Tomorrow a new day, Forget about your past and so forth and so forth. But how can that be when the past is the person we are today.
I wish I could respond to you now that I am home, but I am exhausted and feeling very poorly – hope to recupe soon!!!!!!! Thanks for your patience!!
I have missed you! Looking forward to hearing much more and know that you are not forgotten!
Time travels in a warped sort of way it seems..we had many good times together that I will cherish always… I would like to share some of them with you so that you may relive them for a moment or two. One sunny day we were driving to Ellendale ND to look at a house you were thinking of renting. You were learning to drive and doing quite well of course..we where passing a semi truck and you whispered “this is scary” I said just hold the wheel steady Linda..and you did. We did not see the curve in the road (in ND? really!) It was close for all of us that afternoon but you turned the wheel just a bit and saved the day so we did not run into the big truck..;o). I do not remember if we had Kerensa and Seth with us that day but they were part of us..we were a family of sorts then…leaning on each other..laughing together…sharing meals and pitching in to help each other without being asked. I can still feel the willowy feel of Kersena as she sat on my lap..cozy,light and energetic..with a ready smile and twinkle in her beautiful blue eyes. It is sad that we lost many years… I want to share memories are there of countless sunsets we would watch together at Ocean Beach…comfortable in sharing silence as well as conversation..sharing dreams and wonder. Are we really around 60?? OMG where does the time go??????? I am grateful our paths have crossed and hope we can walk together again in unconditional acceptance, love and peace.
I remember this house, glad we did this together — oh, and it was YOU (as I remember??) that taught me to drive! I often tell the story of buying my first car at 21…. !
We broke into that old house if I remember correctly. It was COOL! I have wondered over the years about my life had I rented that old place – for $70 a month! How to HEAT it? As young and naive as I was – I did at least know that cost of heating would be impossible. There was a chandelier – hardwood floors – did we stay the night??
I think we might do a kind of book writing duet here, you and I. A dovetailing, interwoven – I wonder??
Yes – “we can walk together again in unconditional acceptance, love and peace.” I look forward to our friendship – again! (Meanwhile, there’s a quite messy baby diaper to change if my hearing just served me correctly!!) xo