As I wrote in response to one of the fantastic comments to posts that arrived on this blog today, I woke this morning feeling blue. The comments so greatly relieved the weight of my ‘blueness’ – partly, of course, because of the gentle integrity and dignity, of the honesty, openness and wisdom contained in the commenters’ words – but also because responding to their words greatly helped me to see in part what is going on with me on this rich and beautiful day.
In writing about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) AND Disorganized-Disoriented (DD) Insecure Attachment Disorder I am drawing my lines of thought very close to the source of how I experience the world.
I so DID NOT experience anything from birth onward and through the next of my 18 abusive years of childhood that could have allowed me to BE safe and secure in the world I could not, therefore, build within my developing body-brain any of the ‘usual’ kinds of circuitry and pathways that would let me know NOW that I am safe and secure in the world.
Here briefly I will mention another tangent thread of discussion that has originated on facebook with a friend there concerning alterations in our environment that this friend believes are contributing to the fact that research shows that at least 71% of American suffer from troubles stemming from chronic sleep problems.
This friend believes these difficulties are greatly influenced by “endocrine disruptors” polluting our environment.
I was then reminded of an awareness given to me both by the dream I recently had and posted about and from my ponderings of it:
+LAST NIGHT’S UNUSUAL DREAM
The dream (as I believe I mentioned in a comment to that post) seemed to speak of a time perhaps 10,000 years in the future – when the earth IS HEALED!
The contrast between the pervasive awareness of total pure HEALTH of the earth in every way was obvious to me in the dream in contrast to the ‘invisible sickness’ of the planet now that we are so familiar with, so used to, so acceptant of – that we do not see the sickness that permeates every corner and cell of life here on earth now — including US!
Then I think about the RAD and DD insecurely attached severe early abuse survivors – and I am then drawn to conclude (a bit radically, perhaps) that we are perhaps among the HEALTHIEST people on earth because we are more closely experiencing the TRUTH of what is really happening on this earth right now.
We KNOW the sickness! And it both contributed to the adjustments our body had to make on every level to survive hell – and built itself into our body through our responses to extreme traumatic stress. (All I say also applies to anyone who has suffered from traumas well beyond what ‘ordinary’ people have.)
We do not delude ourselves because we CANNOT! We do not participate in the ‘group delusion’ that all is simply OK in the world – that all could be safely and securely attached to life here on earth if they simply chose to be!
We do not pretend. We are not phony. We live every millisecond of our life knowing that there are many things about living on earth that are terribly, terribly wrong.
Part of the mix-up that leaves we survivors so troubled as we try to get by in a deluded sick world is that we KNOW and remember in our body itself that there is much to be done by EVERYONE on this earth to heal it — and that includes everything about human social community. We ARE a social species.
What happened to me and to you happened not only because there was an opening for someone to attack us — but mostly it happened because there was NOBODY there to protect us!
If we think realistically – being a social species MEANS by definition that we are all responsible and accountable for everything that happens to everyone (all life here) – because we CAN be.
Depending on what we choose.
Now, I found myself referring to general public as stupid yesterday. I correct myself. Not stupid. Consistently and pervasively IGNORANT is more accurate. There is no cure for what ails us personally, socially or globally BUT education – and from there, we need the will and the volition to ACT to better everything we possibly can.
We as a species were never created to be passive. We have great potential. We have an obligation to become accountable for all that lies within the range of what our potential can and does accomplish – both good and bad. We will wake up, one way or another, ALL OF US, at some point in time and know this. Then what will we do?
While I might awaken feeling blue on the day after our first seasonal rain because I have lost the organizing and orienting ability to take my power tools outside to do some more work on my building projects in my yard – which keep me grounded and focused and allow me to stay on the outskirts of my own personal huge and hugely dark troubling clouds that have surrounded me from the first breath I took in this world — I am also free to comprehend that this entire planet is suffering – I am not alone nor are other severe early abuse survivors alone when it comes to wrestling with the consequences of trauma.
It’s just that we are not fooled. We are not deluded. There IS MUCH wrong in the world. I am not saying to drown in the sickness – I am saying that perhaps our well-honed and undeniable awareness that it exists just might put us among the less illusion-that-the-world-is-healthy polluted members of our species.
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There is a place that was important to me in my past that I am really missing today. I know it no longer even exists, although it might have been replaced by a similar kind of business. Don’t even remember the name of it – but fondly I remember the ‘new agie’ store on the backside of the block from the old plaza area of Taos, New Mexico.
I have always been too shy to approach strangers in conversations, but I felt comfortable at the large old long wooden table where I sat with my delicious coffee while other friends with their friends conversed. The store had lovely natural light from big windows. The smells were not heavy or heady or a bit overwhelming from candles and herbs – some hung from the ceiling, showcases around the room with lovely craft and art work.
One room had large comfortable overstuffed couches and chairs surrounded by wall floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. I felt comforted there and comfortable. It was like walking into a tiny soft and warm and gentle corner of a new and better world, one filled with healing and hope.
Today – I miss that place in my life.