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Not complaining – just saying – in my entire universe growing up there was ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG that involved me – in my entire universe I on occasion forgot this fact ’cause I was really just a kid.
It was obviously – in my kid world – Mother’s JOB to remind me there was ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG that involved me at these times when I accidentally forgot.
Because my abusive mother was INSANE, psychotically insane, I never knew beforehand exactly what it was that I was doing wrong until I ‘made her’ (‘poor mother’) TELL me in every way that she could exactly what it was I was doing or had done wrong. Unfortunately for me, her need to remind me was so continual, so constant and so brutally abusive in every way — every biochemical and nerve and cell in my body now remembers her ‘lessons’ as being real. It is now ONLY my conscious mind along with my inner soul that KNOWS this entire set-up was ALWAYS a lie.
Of course Mother was more than psychotically crazy. She was hyper-vigilant, as well. It was the task of her inner madness — assigned to her in her early childhood that exploded into being while I was being born — to make absolutely CERTAIN I did not and could not escape the HELL she HAD to keep me contained within – in place of herself – so that SHE could escape and be free of her HELL – BECAUSE I WAS STUCK IN THERE, IMPRISONED AND TORMENTED/TORTURED instead of her.
And I better not EVER forget this was my place! I better not EVER accidentally forget and be a kid – which is essentially what yesterday’s post was all about: +Age 7 – mid-1959 – The ‘baby bottle’ and mid-night beatings
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I mention this because I noticed again today that a part of me does not any longer allow me to FORGET that there is something wrong – always somewhere – even if I temporarily forget this fact — in my life for one reason – one reason only – one reason that was pounded into me every day of the first 18 years of my life — that one reason being there was always something wrong in MY life — because I WAS/AM IN IT!
(Which was the same thing as saying in Mother’s ‘crazy-think-speak’ that there would be nothing wrong with HER life if I wasn’t in it — which was the same thing REALLY as saying that there would be nothing wrong with HER life if HER OWN EVIL-BAD child self was not inside of HER — which of course at this point since I had succeeded in being born and since she had survived birthing me was the same thing as saying that the EVIL-BAD child that was HERS and that she entirely was successful at projecting onto/into ME was…….. Well – here’s the picture!!! ACK!!!! BLECK!! Talk about crazy making. Talk about TOXIC!!!)
I don’t fool myself into believing that I will ever escape what this kind of brain washing and conditioning did to me. Any reprieve I get comes from consciously determined and inform intent and effort to try to step out from under — away from — this chronic, constant sense of eternal foreboding that was so built into my body-nervous system-brain.
The best I hope for is that on a superficial MENTAL level – with perhaps some minor (software rather than hardware) kinds of adjustments elsewhere in my body – I can create a kind of peace inside myself during segments of my days and nights. I have to be very careful about what I think, how I handle my feelings, what I expect of myself, what kind of people and circumstances and challenges I let close to me in order to keep the chronic state of ‘something is wrong even if I don’t know what it is at this moment, even if I temporarily forget it simply because I exist in my own life‘ at a little bit of distance from myself.
I was blamed – insanely so – for EVERYTHING that ever went wrong in my parents’ home while I lived in it. If I chose to remember and could remember what I could list in this regard — which I don’t and won’t — the things I was blamed for would fill a book all by themselves.
My older siblings know exactly what I am talking about. My experience was with a worst kind of persistent and vicious terrorism committed by my violent, insane captor.
I am just saying – not complaining – while I have never been a fallen warrior I do have a perpetual physiologically built-into-my-body massive dark cloud that falls around me continually UNLESS I am making personal continual effort to create some space where it cannot enter.
This work will last for my lifetime in this body. I consider myself very fortunate that I DO at least have some times now where I can periodically temporarily escape the awareness of the influences within me of having experienced those first 18 years of traumas. I know that other severe early abuse survivors know exactly what I am writing about today.
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Stop the Storm 
Sorry about the online rant …can u imagine what it’s like living with an individual with this kind of inner rage?Infantile rage that persists beyond infancy?I’m like a screaming 3 month old …ever hear a colicky baby scream?! That’s me, WITH ADULT COGNITION!!I can’t self regulate….the screaming can go on for days!And the looks on people’s faces as they watch in horror as I throw a fit like a toddler.*Shaking my head*, I’d rather be unaware of my disorder, at least I wouldn’t try to fight a fight that can’t be won.I’m 35, emotionally I’m 2ish….I haven’t developed basic trust ( psychosocially I’m going to fail), I doubt I have object constancy ( so when my loved ones are out of my visual range, I struggle with their existence)…it’s a struggle to find happiness, I don’t feel anything.My husband is sick of me, I’m very unrewarding to be around.I don’t think and feel like a normal human being.When u say, “joy”, I’m clueless, the only thing I feel is, “rage”…and anxiety.I’m always in fight or flight…it’s either ANGER ( fight), or FEAR ( flight)…nothing else computes my friend..The lack of joy or happiness stems from global dysfunction.If I had one area in my life that I can function in, I’d be happy.I don’t work, I feel completely empty to do anything creative, family is non supportive. I can’t think of one relationship that I still have from my childhood.When people are threats, and your whole family is detached….your quality of life is nil.Right now, I’m on the verge of homelessness, my relationship is almost over, my kids seem ok ( to me),I have no money…
Earlier post:
+CALM THE CRYING BABY — IMMUNE SYSTEM STIMULATES VAGUS NERVE TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT
at
https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/22/calm-the-crying-baby-immune-system-stimulates-vagus-nerve-trauma-altered-development/
It’s hard to find joy when I struggle to feel anything!It sounds a bit cynical, but it’s a fact.My siblings were detached, I was sexually abused, I struggled with friendships, my father was an alcoholic, and I failed miserably in school because of the cognitive deficits that were the result of severe neglect.I failed globally.Like I’ve stated this disorder is devastating.My Facebook page has 44 friends, only 3 speak to me.My siblings are struggling, no contact there.My mother is empty and prefers to be with strangers….and she’s extremely emotionally abusive to be around.My father has abandoned me, he’s in jail currently, I’ve been told.I was a strange child, very withdrawn and inhibited.I’ve always struggled with eye contact, people find it strange and autistic like.I do have my children…are they my source of joy?I don’t find people rewarding, they puzzle me, they are a threat to me.I understand the science behind my disorder which is why I’m going another route…Neurofeedback, I’m going to try and rewire parts of my brain.I’m also going to try attending a support group, perhaps I can build a relationship with someone that’s understanding.I am disabled, I’m trying to fight evolution ( need to bond to survive), I’m trying to alter faulty wiring.
Did you watch Temple Grandin? That made ‘me’ much more clear to ‘me’ – but sounds like you are way ahead in this area! But can we thrive being exactly the way that we are???? In spite of everything?
When I first sought help when I was 29 – I was completely numb. Therapist started me with things like, “Can you feel your feel on the floor? Can you feel your hand on your knee?”
Later when I went to a women’s retreat and had my first massage I felt like a wooden puppet! Completely hollow. I think for me much of this was from dissociation – I simply did not live in my own body – often still don’t – but I work on this.
But I have also often said don’t be in a rush to ‘get feelings’ – never! And NEVER without plenty of caring loving support from SOMEONE! Caution is needed in this regard! Our body is very very very (!!) wise – and always protects us.
I DO NOT have any history of sexual abuse that I have ever come across in myself. That is a HUGE difference – no matter how severe all other forms of abuse were in my first 18 years, I do not have sexual abuse – and never write ‘as if’ I have any idea AT ALL about that experience.
This absence is one of my huge resiliency/protective factors – and I know that.
Your road ahead sounds intriguing – and packed with powerful potential! I have no access to such therapy – I would have jumped at it!! We can become more and more and more of who we are in GOOD ways – you sound very wise and informed about your whole ‘big picture’ – and in that way are already so far ahead of so many who are completely lost and have no clue why.
I hope to hear from you again!!!
I’m starting Neurofeedback this week, I’m hopeful.If I see any changes, I’ll post.I have tons of info, some from reputable experts that neurofeedback is very promising.The experts that I’ll be seeing are veterans, they’ve see all kinds of folks that can’t self regulate.AND, they’re trained to treat/talk to detached people, ( they re-parent the BPD/RAD sufferer), they are very firm but nurturing to the patients.I need a mother.My emotional/social/cognitive growth has stagnated.So they study your brainwaves ( connections) while they treat u, they help u self regulate.They attune to you and your needs, like a nurturing/involved mom.The clearer the screen gets, the better the connections/self regulation.They said, “it’s going to take you two years to see the full effects”, it take two years for the infant brain to develop to 90% of its adult size and to experience all of it’s attachment needs.So,two years..rewiring to think like a human being.Two sessions a week, a lot of contact with my therapist.My therapist is my parent, firm and loving.
Dr. Fosha – Google with ‘attachment’ at
https://www.google.com/webhp?source=search_app#hl=en&sclient=psy-ab&q=diana+fosha+attachment+therapy&oq=attachment+fosha&gs_l=hp.1.0.0i8j0i8i30.1194.3979.0.6459.16.13.0.3.3.1.212.1572.4j8j1.13.0…0.0…1c.6sA2rEHyi3M&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=4fb4aa9006bf0fc6&biw=1024&bih=548
says there is a core we all can reach to heal attachment – that our self knows how to heal and what it needs – like we know which way to tip a picture hanging crookedly on the wall to straighten it
I know now, btw, that I won’t again live with another person – I don’t have what it takes in any way – being alone can be a very healing experience, and a necessary one for some of us
Yes, sounds like you are in a MOST DIFFICULT way – but you have not given up!
My sister’s theory on my mother’s behavior is that she rejected us because she wanted a boy.I’m convinced she was detached and having any infant to care for was too much for her emotionally.Regardless, my brother is showing the most RAD symptoms…lack of cause and effect thinking, concrete thinking, remorseless, steals, lies, hoards food, false abuse claims ( he’s claiming my father sexually abused him)…
I have to live with a lifetime of emptiness.I live a meaningless life.RAD is not only damaging emotionally but it’s cripples the sufferer globally.Your limbic system is in constantly fight or flight, parts of your brain aren’t connected ( left/right brain disconnect), thinking is impaired,and socially you can’t relate or fit in.This all stems from maternal rejection/or detachment.My mother spent the first two years of life with her maternal grandmother,moved with her mother at 3, after seven she spent ten years in foster care.My grandmother struggled emotionally.It left my mother detached and rejecting.She was ill prepared emotionally as a mother.She could not engage her infants, she couldn’t raise us to adulthood.Some of the vicious things she’d say, lol.She was neglectful, she wasn’t concerned for our safety.There were times where she literally slammed the door in my face.I’m convinced she had unresolved attachment issues, probably RAD.My sister is anorexic and phony, my brother is very violent, into drugs, and has that “crazy lying” that is characteristic of RAD.I’ve been diagnosed as Bi polar, GAD…..doesn’t explain my lack of relationships, hair trigger rage, chronic lying, violent behavior or emptiness.Well, I’m going to try once more…I’m going to try Neurofeedback/psychotherapy, I hope it helps with self regulation.
Mostly I think the best we can do is to learn learn learn – educate ourselves and gain the power of at least knowing WHAT happened to make us the way we are – knowledge is power – and you sound perfectly clear in your assessments – no denial, no magical thinking – it IS a tough road. Have you found this on the blog – please plow your way thru the tech stuff – it describes what you are saying
Dr. Teicher’s article
https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/a-book-being-born/dr-teichers-article-on-trauma-altered-development/
there is so much on this blog, also, about Dr. Allan Schore’s work – as I wrote in yesterday’s post – I think the best we can gain is from reading what he writes – the online mother infant attachment info, etc
we do have power – I recognize in your words a deep frustration – which I entirely comprehend from experience – but we are SO MUCH MORE than our BODY, including ‘our brain’
Can you see any light from inside yourself at all?
I KNOW IT’S THERE! You are articulate and clear thinking – I mention this ’cause someone with BPD like my mother could NOT make any progress ’cause her disease was too BIG and there was no way she could identify her own self……
Can you remember anything about yourself as a child – apart from everyone and everything that was so wrong in your life — that brought you JOY???????????
Thank you for reading and writing here today! In consequence I have learned – well, am still learning – something really important!
new post: +JOY AND SORROW CAN BE MUTUALLY INCLUSIVE
at
https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/joy-and-sorrow-can-be-mutually-inclusive/
If I wait – as I have been all of these years – for the pain or the anger or the disappointment, etc. to go away so that THEN I can feel hope and joy, etc. — knowing my life, I will be waiting for the rest of my life!
From my experience yesterday as I tried to describe it in the above post – and in combination with what you wrote – I see it is entirely possible to feel more than one feeling at the same time!
I might wish it different, but hey! Yesterday was a great day – and I LET myself feel the joy – all the while puzzling about such sadness I felt at the same time!
Very interesting realization – I will now learn more about what this means to me! thanks again! xo
I’m like a tethered rope….always trying to function without the other end.I can’t climb the mountain of life without a proper tether.I’m stuck at the bottom sadly.I’m looking up at the top, ( where everyone else is celebrating).The thing is,I have to tie the rope together and climb.I’m falling farther and farther behind, no one wants to help me tie my rope; they just continue to pass me by.Reactive Attachment Disorder is all about connection, my rope is tethered….I want to be like everyone else, I want my rope to be all in one piece so I can be successful and happy.I’d like to have a warm, loving relationship, I struggle with empathy.I’d like to work, I can’t follow instructions and I distrust people.
You are a fantastic writer!
Half my lifetime ago when I was around age 30 I had a dream I was hanging over a pitch black bottomless abyss – hanging by a thick rope with both hands. I had my eyes closed, hanging on ‘for dear life’ – I found if I opened my eyes and looked up at the rope just above where my hands were clamped it was fraying fraying fraying to a single thin string.
When I closed my eyes again I was still hanging there yet I knew if I broke my trust, whatever that trust/faith was and looked at that rope, it would break.