+++++++++++++++++++++++

This is a blog post that will keep many readers busy for many days if they share concerns with a blog reader here who posted this today:

I have been thinking about this for months and dont really know if there is an answer. I know what happens in the brain if infants who suffer form severe neglect and abuse. I just saw Dr Bruce Perry yesterday on anderson cooper talking about the effects on the brain. He even showed cat skans of a brain of a normal 3 year old and next to it one that had severed severe neglect.

I may write about it. but what i hope u can write on is what I often wonder about.

Someone like my brother…it is obvious why he has anti social and lacks so many abilities ..including slower cgnition, reasoning,lack of empathy,insight. But someone like you..who also suffered from infant abuse and severe neglect doesn’t have those same issues .why????

Why do u have very high intelligence and reasoning abilities? Why do u have amazing self introspection and sensitivity to self and to others?

This part I dont undertsnad? I know u have anxiety and other impairments that affect yours ADL’s…but you did not develep a personality disorder.

can u write about this?

I think many wonder why some people go on to develop BPD and others….with severe neglect do not . why?

xoxoxo

I cannot return to each topic on this blog as time goes on to repeat information that has already been written before, so I decided to poke around in the Stop the Storm archives for some articles that might prove interesting or useful in some way — because I really need to get back to my book-writing project.  Thank you commenter and readers!!  I hope at least a few questions will be answered in the posts listed at these links below:

+++++++++++++++++++++++

This list of post links from this blog is in this format because it is also posted in a comment reply section that does not hyperlink the titles.  Here you should be able to click on the web address directly below the title to reach each of my articles.

There may well be duplicates in this list but I am about brain dead at this moment from searching these out and copying them into this format.  If readers find duplicates please just comment to this post and let me know what titles appear more than once and I can fix this.

+WHAT SETS ASIDE A BORDERLINE PARENT’S CHILD ABUSE AS ‘DIFFERENT’? at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/08/23/what-sets-aside-a-borderline-parents-child-abuse-as-different/

+EARLY ABUSE SURVIVORS SUCH AS MY MOTHER WAS – PROGRAMMED TO SURVIVE AT ALL COSTS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/early-abuse-survivors-such-as-my-mother-was-programmed-to-survive-at-all-costs/

+WORD WARRIOR NEWS: MY BROKEN, BROKEN, BROKEN MOTHER at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/07/08/word-warrior-news-my-broken-broken-broken-mother/

+A REFRESHER ON ATTACHMENT AND RESILIENCY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/05/01/a-refresher-on-attachment-and-resiliency/

+HOW DOES THE SELF GET FORMED? HERE’S A WHOLE LOT OF IMPORTANT INFO at

+CONSCIOUS AWARENESS AND EMOTIONAL AROUSAL REGULATION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/19/conscious-awareness-and-emotional-arousal-regulation/

+IN THE ABSENCE OF LAUGHTER at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/in-the-absence-of-laughter/

*RESILIENCY – WHY I’M ALIVE – NOT A MYSTERY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/my-adulthood-stories/resiliency-why-im-alive-not-a-mystery/

+FORGIVENESS AND EARLY BETRAYAL at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/05/22/forgiveness-and-early-betrayal/

*Disorganized angel-demon thinking at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/attachment/disorganized-angel-demon-thinking/

*GENETICS OF DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/attachment/disoriented-disorganized-attachment/genetics-of-disorganized-attachment/

++SCHORE ON MATERNAL-INFANT MIND SHAPING at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/attachment/notes-on-schore/notes-on-schore-relational-trauma/schore-on-maternal-infant-mind-shaping/

*Notes on Schore at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/attachment/notes-on-schore/

+THE RESILIENCY MYTH at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/04/19/the-resiliency-myth/

+THEORY OF MIND – BORDERLINE MOTHER’S BROKEN CHILDHOOD MIND at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/10/15/theory-of-mind-borderline-mothers-broken-childhood-mind/

+THINKING ABOUT THINKING (PART ONE): WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT? at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/thinking-about-thinking-part-one-whose-problem-is-it/

+THINKING ABOUT THINKING (PART TWO): FIRST, SELF-RECOGNITION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/thinking-about-thinking-part-two-first-self-recognition/

+WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO US: VIOLENT TRAUMA, MALTREATMENT, ATTACHMENT – BIRTH TO AGE THREE (and beyond) at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/what-really-happened-to-us-violent-trauma-maltreatment-attachment-birth-to-age-three-and-beyond/

+TRANSPARENCY AND MY CHANGED SOCIAL BRAIN at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/04/30/transparency-and-my-changed-social-brain/

+INFANT-CHILD ABUSE: WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS, THE BRAIN CHANGES at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/03/20/infant-child-abuse-when-the-bough-breaks-the-brain-changes/

+CHILD ABUSE: IN THE ABSENCE OF THE PRESENCE OF GOODNESS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/child-abuse-in-the-absence-of-the-presence-of-goodness/

+THE ‘TERROR-ABLE’ CONSEQUENCES OF INFANT-CHILDHOOD VERBAL ABUSE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/22/the-terror-able-consequences-of-infant-childhood-verbal-abuse/

+MISSING LAUGHTER IN MY MOTHER’S MONKEY HOUSE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/missing-laughter-in-my-mothers-monkey-house/

+NOTES FROM STEKLIS AND KLING ON NEUROBIOLOGY OF AFFILIATION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/attachment/notes-from-steklis-and-kling-on-neurobiology-of-affiliation/

+++MORE HENRY ON BRAIN AND EMOTION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/emotions/archetypes-of-emotion-neuroendocrine-patterns-of-emotional-response-from-james-henry/more-henry-on-brain-and-emotion/

**DAMASIO ON CONSCIOUSNESS

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/emotions/damasio-notes-feeling-of-what-happens/damasio-on-consciousness/

++IMMUNE RESPONSE TO MATERNAL SEPARATION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/attachment/immune-response-to-maternal-separation/

++DAMAGE AND REPAIR at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/about-stop-the-stor/our-earliest-start/damage-and-repair/

++HIPPOCAMPUS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/about-stop-the-stor/our-earliest-start/brain-parts-info-on-brain-regions-and-functions/hippocampus/

*Notes on Hippocampus at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/about-stop-the-stor/our-earliest-start/brain-parts-info-on-brain-regions-and-functions/notes-on-hippocampus/

POWER OF PLAY AND THE MEMORIES OF PLAY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/05/05/power-of-play-and-the-memories-of-play/

*Pupil size in empathy at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/attachment/empathy-2/pupil-size-in-empathy/

+DECONTAMINATING AN ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD WITH A BORDERLINE MOTHER – IS IT POSSIBLE? at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/07/16/decontaminating-an-abusive-childhood-with-a-borderline-mother-is-it-possible/

+EARLY INFANT-CHILD STRESSFUL TRAUMA CHANGES DEVELOPMENT: TELL US WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW – NOW!! at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/07/05/early-infant-child-stressful-trauma-changes-development-tell-us-what-we-need-to-know-now/

+OPTIMISM/STRESS RESPONSE: WHEN THE AMYGDALA REMEMBERS GOOD/BAD SEPARATETLY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/06/15/optimismstress-response-when-the-amygdala-remembers-goodbad-separatetly/

+PATTERNS OF TRAUMA-DRAMA-MEMORY REPETITIONS AS THE BASIS OF MY MOTHER’S BORDERLINE MIND at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/06/13/patterns-of-trauma-drama-memory-repititions-at-the-basis-of-my-mothers-borderline-mind/

+OVERWHELMED BY TRAUMA, OVERWHELMED BY WORDS: LINK TO AN ARTICLE ABOUT TRAUMA DRAMA THAT CAN HELP US at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/overwhelmed-by-trauma-overwhelmed-by-words-link-to-an-article-about-trauma-drama-that-can-help-us/

+A COLLECTION OF LINKS ON BODY-BRAIN CHANGES CAUSED BY EARLY INFANT-CHILD ABUSE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/a-collection-of-links-on-body-brain-changes-caused-by-early-infant-child-abuse/

+WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE (LONG POST ABOUT RESILIENCY-IN-HELL) at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/04/25/what-it-take-to-survive-long-post-about-resiliency-in-hell/

+CREATING A TIMELINE OF OUR EARLIEST LIFE – PUTTING ORDER/ORGANIZATION TO TRAUMA/CHAOS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/creating-a-timeline-of-our-earliest-life-putting-orderorganization-to-traumachaos/

+EARLY ABUSE SURVIVORS SUCH AS MY MOTHER WAS – PROGRAMMED TO SURVIVE AT ALL COSTS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/early-abuse-survivors-such-as-my-mother-was-programmed-to-survive-at-all-costs/

+BEFRIENDING CHAOS? (EARLY ABUSE SURVIVORS AND CHOICE) at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/04/08/befriending-chaos-early-abuse-survivors-and-choice/

+AS HARD AS OUR ABUSER(S) TRIED, THEY DID NOT HAVE THE POWER TO TOUCH US! at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/03/27/as-hard-as-our-abusers-tried-they-did-not-have-the-power-to-touch-us/

+OUR BODY-BRAIN BALANCE BETWEEN ‘PEACE’ AND ‘ALARM’ at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/03/03/our-body-brain-balance-between-peace-and-alarm/

+THINKING ABOUT THINKING (PART FOUR): SEVERE INFANT ABUSE SURVIVORS’ UNIQUE WORLDVIEW at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/02/03/thinking-about-thinking-part-four-severe-infant-abuse-survivors-unique-worldview/

+CLEAR ARTICLE ON LIFELONG INFANT-CHILD TRAUMA CONSEQUENCES at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/01/17/clear-article-on-lifelong-infant-child-trauma-consequences/

+TO BE OR NOT TO BE — HUMAN OR OBJECT: EARLY ATTACHMENT PATTERNS DECIDE AS THEY BUILD OUR ANS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/to-be-or-not-to-be-human-or-object-early-attachment-patterns-decide-as-they-build-our-ans/

+IN THE MIDST OF CYCLES OF TRAUMA: THE ANGUISH-ANGER CONNECTION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/in-the-midst-of-cycles-of-trauma-the-anguish-anger-connection/

+LINKS – VAGUS NERVE – ABUSE- HEALING at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2011/01/02/links-vagus-nerve-abuse-healing/

+LINKS TO SOME POPULAR POSTS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/a-book-being-born/links-to-some-popular-posts/

+’FIGHTING ANGER’ IS GOOD FOR US at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/12/09/fighting-anger-is-good-for-us/

+’MAKING SENSE’ OUT OF ABUSE/TRAUMA – FINDING THE CONTEXT at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/11/30/making-sense-out-of-abusetrauma-finding-the-context/

+TRANSITIONAL OBJECTS AND THWARTED ATTACHMENT at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/11/16/transtional-objects-and-thwarted-attachment/

+IN PURSUIT OF USEFUL INFORMATION: INFANT ABUSE MEMORY RETRIEVAL at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/in-pursuit-of-useful-information-infant-abuse-memory-retrieval/

+CLARIFYING MY PERSPECTIVE: INFANT ABUSE IN THE 5% at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/11/07/clarifying-my-perspective-infant-abuse-in-the-5/

+MY ABUSIVE MOTHER: A PERFECT MADNESS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/09/15/my-abusive-mother-a-perfect-madness/

+THE PROCESS OF RUPTURE AND REPAIR NEED REPOSE AND RESTORATION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/09/08/the-process-of-rupture-and-repair-need-repose-and-restoration/

+INCHING TOWARD FREEDOM at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/09/03/inching-toward-freedom/

+’SHAKE IT UP BABY!’ — MOVEMENT MATTERS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/09/03/shake-it-up-baby-movement-matters/

+MAKING FACES IN THE MIRROR (WITH SOUND EFFECTS) at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/08/19/making-faces-in-the-mirror-with-sound-effects/

+STEPPING TOWARD HEALING – WHAT OUR BODY KNOWS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/08/18/stepping-toward-healing-what-our-body-knows/

+GROWING UP IN THE MAD BLENDER OF MY BORDERLINE MOTHER’S MIND at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/07/06/growing-up-in-the-mad-blender-of-my-borderline-mothers-mind/

+MY LIVING PHILOSOPHY ABOUT WORDS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/my-living-philosophy-about-words/

+MY MOTHER’S ‘SPLITTING’ OF GOOD FROM EVIL AND HER ALTERED SENSE OF TIME at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/06/24/my-mothers-splitting-of-good-from-evil-and-her-altered-sense-of-time/

+’SUPER INFANT-CHILD ABUSE’, WORSE THAN WAR CRIMES, IN THE REALM OF GENOCIDE-INFANTICIDE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/06/13/super-infant-child-abuse-worse-than-war-crimes-in-the-realm-of-genocide-infanticide/

+CHILD ABUSE: THE POWER OF THE TRUTH AND THE DANGERS OF THE LIES at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/05/26/child-abuse-the-power-of-the-truth-and-the-dangers-of-the-lies/

+IT’S IN THE BODY: TAKING THE TRAUMA AND THE DRAMA OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/05/15/its-in-the-body-taking-the-trauma-and-the-drama-out-of-relationships-with-others/

+UNSPEAKABLE MADNESS: INSIDE A CHILD ABUSING BORDERLINE MOTHER’S MIND at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/05/15/unspeakable-madness-inside-a-child-abusing-borderline-mothers-mind/

*THE MEANING OF MENDING OUR LIFE STORY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/power-of-story/the-meaning-of-mending-our-life-story/

+ANTI-DISSOCIATION: REMEMBERING THE FEELING OF FEELING ONE’S SELF IN ONE’S LIFE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/04/18/anti-dissociation-remembering-the-feeling-of-feeling-ones-self-in-ones-life/

+MY HEART IS NOT BREAKING – IT’S BROKEN at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/04/07/my-heart-is-not-breaking-its-broken/

+CAN’T WRITE ABOUT SADNESS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/04/06/cant-write-about-sadness/

+FOOLED BY AN ABUSIVE BORDERLINE? – MY MOTHER’S EXPERT DISTORTION OF REALITY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/fooled-by-an-abusive-borderline-my-mothers-expert-distortion-of-reality/

+EARLY ATTACHMENT ORIGINS OF EMPATHY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/early-attachment-origins-of-empathy/

+HOW DOES THE SELF GET FORMED? HERE’S A WHOLE LOT OF IMPORTANT INFO at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/03/16/how-does-the-self-get-formed-heres-a-whole-lot-of-important-info/

+IN MEMORY OF MY MOTHER; LINKS TO INFO ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/in-memory-of-my-mother-links-to-info-on-borderline-personality-disorder/

+TRAUMA TELLS THE BODY WHAT TO DO at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/28/trauma-tells-the-body-what-to-do/

+OUR STRESS RESPONSE IS WHAT WE PASS DOWN TO OUR KIDS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/our-stress-response-is-what-we-pass-down-to-our-kids/

+MY MOTHER COULD NOT ‘SIGH’ FOR ME at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/my-mother-could-not-sigh-for-me/

+ABUSIVE PARENTS HAVE THE WEAKEST SELVES POSSIBLE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/06/abusive-parents-have-the-weakest-selves-possible/

+INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA AND THE NATURE OF GOOD AND BAD at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/03/intergenerational-trauma-and-the-nature-of-good-and-bad/

+VAGUS SOCIAL NERVE – INFLUENCED BY CULTURE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/02/vagus-social-nerve-influenced-by-culture/

+MY MOTHER’S VAGUS NERVE: THE MAKING OF HER PERFECT BORDERLINE STORM? at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/02/01/my-mothers-vagus-nerve-the-making-of-her-perfect-borderline-storm/

+CAN EARLY INFANT-CHILD MALTREATMENT TURN OFF THE COMPASSION SWITCH? at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/30/can-early-infant-child-maltreatment-turn-off-the-compassion-switch/

+A LONG, THOUGHTFUL LOOK AT VERBAL ABUSE AS MALIGNANT TEASING at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/29/a-long-thoughtful-look-at-verbal-abuse-as-malignant-teasing/

+IN THE PRESENCE OF LAUGHTER WE ARE SAFE, SECURE AND FREE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/21/in-the-presence-of-laughter-we-are-safe-secure-and-free/

+IN THE ABSENCE OF LAUGHTER at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/in-the-absence-of-laughter/

+EARLY TRAUMA CHANGES HOW WE THINK AND TALK at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/01/08/early-trauma-changes-how-we-think-and-talk/

+LEARNING STYLES AND LONELINESS at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/26/learning-styles-and-loneliness/

+CALM THE CRYING BABY — IMMUNE SYSTEM STIMULATES VAGUS NERVE TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/22/calm-the-crying-baby-immune-system-stimulates-vagus-nerve-trauma-altered-development/

+DECEMBER 21, 1925 MY SEVERELY ABUSIVE MOTHER WAS BORN at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/21/december-21-1925-my-severely-abusive-mother-was-born/

+GENDER AND THE BRAIN — DIFFERENCES AND EARLY TRAUMA at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/20/gender-and-the-brain-differences-and-early-trauma/

+KIDS NEED TLC — NOT TRAUMA! at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/19/kids-need-tlc-not-trauma/

+DEGREES-OF-WELL-BEING IS ABOUT SOCIAL HEALTH, NOT “MENTAL” OR “BEHAVIORAL” at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/16/degrees-of-well-being-is-about-social-health-not-mental-or-behavioral/

+PRIMARY A-B-Cs — ATTACHMENT-BRAIN-CAREGIVER at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/14/primary-a-b-cs-attachment-brain-caregiver/

+TO BE OR NOT TO BE A TRAUMA-CHANGED HUMAN — THE QUALITY OF MOTHERING HOLDS THE ABSOLUTE KEY at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/13/to-be-or-not-to-be-a-trauma-changed-human-the-quality-of-mothering-holds-the-absolute-key/

+EARLY TRAUMA MEMORY CHANGES ‘THE BODY’ WE DO ALL OUR REMEMBERING WITH at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/11/early-trauma-memory-changes-the-body-we-do-all-our-remembering-with/

+’SYMP-TOM’ – ‘WITH-BODY’: WE ARE CHANGED PEOPLE, NOT ‘SICK’ ONES at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/09/symp-tom-with-body-we-are-changed-people-not-sick-ones/

+THOUGHTS ON THE TRIGGER POINT OF SHAME at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/07/thoughts-on-the-trigger-point-of-shame/

+THREAT OF ATTACK – STAYING NUMB – PTSD AND DISSOCIATION at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/threat-of-attack-staying-numb-ptsd-and-dissociation/

+PTSD AND SEVERE ABUSE SURVIVORSHIP – PART THREE at (links to part one and two are in this post)

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/12/02/ptsd-and-severe-abuse-survivorship-%E2%80%93-part-three/

+I WILL NEVER BE ORDINARY. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO KNOW THIS TRUTH. at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/11/19/i-will-never-be-ordinary-it-is-time-for-me-to-know-this-truth/

+LOOKING BACK – I DID NOT UNDERSTAND MY MOTHER’S ABUSE OF ME. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND. at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/looking-back-i-did-not-understand-my-mothers-abuse-of-me-i-did-not-understand/

+WHEN ABUSIVE PARENTS STEAL THEIR CHILD’S THUNDER at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/11/16/when-abusive-parents-steal-their-childs-thunder/

+EARLY ABUSE AFFECTS OUR REACTION TO ADULT TRAUMA EXPOSURE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/early-abuse-affects-our-reaction-to-adult-trauma-exposure/

+SECURE AND INSECURE ATTACHMENT AND THE CHILDHOOD NARRATIVE at

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/11/13/secure-and-insecure-attachment-and-the-childhood-narrative/

+I FOUND ANOTHER ‘BROKEN’ DOLL PIECE MY MOTHER WROTE IN 1955 at (related links in this post)

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2009/10/19/i-found-another-broken-doll-piece-my-mother-wrote-in-1955/

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The question of why I did not develop a personality disorder even though I was severely abused from the moment of my birth and for the next 18 years of my life by my psychotic Borderline Personality Disorder mother is an important one – and sadly one that I will never actually be able to answer definitively or accurately.  I will never know why I was spared from suffering from my mother’s devastating disease.  I can only speculate in answering this question.

In trying to respond to this important question I again return to my mother’s own words as they appeared in two of the stories that existed at Mother’s death as she wrote them in her 10^th year of life.  In this first story what matters in regard to what I believe was her pre-Borderline child condition it is most important to notice how this story ends in words that in my opinion directly reflect the break that already existed in Mother’s Theory of Mind development by the time she wrote them.

This break was never healed.  I do not believe that it COULD have been healed.  This break existed within the physiological patterning of Mother’s brain.  True, had she ever been diagnosed and ‘treated’ it might have been possible that my mother could have been ‘trained’ – like a trained monkey – to APPEAR to be different, and therefore ‘better’ than she was.  Yet her genetically based disease, triggered by the patterns of neglect, trauma, betrayal and abuse that she had suffered during the first decade of her life had created within her a disease for which I do not believe there is a cure.

Please read this story carefully.  Consider the layers apparent in its telling (my notes are written in the [brackets]):

°<>°<>°<>°

[Mischievous Bear story written by my mother, Mildred when she was 9 years old]

Jane and Charles were sitting on the porch wondering what to do outside little snowflakes were playing tag about.

Jane looked up. Their was her mother she said come and get cleaned up. For we are going to call on Uncle Robert. The two children jumped up quickly for they know that he would tell them a story. They jumped into the car and drove up the snowy road the trees wer covered with snowflakes they stopped at a farm rover came to meet them he barked a welcoming. Uncle Robert got up from the chair where he was reading and met them at once.  Jane and Charles [she had Jimmy written in and crossed it out to put in Charles] asked if he would tell them a story he said yes they sat around the fireplace and Uncle Robert began.

Uncle Robert Tells a Story

He started long long ago a bear had three cubs their names were blackie curly and last of all mischievous this he was named because he was always up to some prank this time his mother was going away he told the three little cubs to stay in their cave blackie and curly did but Mischievous did not Blackie and Curly warned him. But this cub was like some children thought he know it all nothing can hurt me he said boldly he trotted down the path not knowing the danger ahead of him.

He looked around not knowing where he was going or thinking about it. He was following a trickling [actually written trickting] brook it was singing him a melody [actually written moldy] of bells.

The cub was so concerned on the music and tree and things around him that he did not [three letter word scratched out here] hear footsteps behind him a hunter was creaping along in the bushes on the other side.

Now let us see what is in the cave of mother bear blackie cub was badly frightened for he knew the dangers ahead of his little brother. Curly meanwhile was having a feast of berrys. Little footsteps entered the cave mother bear was home she looked around yes their was Curly and Blackie but Mischievous [she actually abbreviated this to Mis.] was no where to be seen. Oh mother bear cried where is my mischievous [again abbreviated to mis.] little cub curly cried I told him to stay. Blackie who was [misspelled crying here and scratched it out] crying hard said I told and told him but he said nothing would happen to him no time to cry there’s only time to hunt said mummy bear so out they all went to hunt for Mischievous [again, mis.].

Mischievous [mis.] did not know that they were hunting for him all he thought about was where the little running brook stopped and of how many berries he could [spelled correctly after written wrongly and crossed out] eat the hunter was thinking about how he could catch little Mischievous [Mis.] without harming him, for he wanted [written wan’t] to catch Mischievous [Mis.] and put him in the zoo [spelled zo] for he know he would get a [crossed out and rewritten] lot of money for him.

Oh mother and Blackie and Curly saw the hunter and all three jumped right infront of him for they all three saw Mischievous [Mis.] and that is why they all jumped right infront of the hunter oh he was so startled he jumped higher and quicker than Mother Bear Curly and Blackie had the hunter took head to heals and ran as fast as he had [word correction, crossed out and rewritten] jumped.

Now said Mother Bear, Mischievous [Mis.] come with me and ended Uncle Robert. I don’t think you would like to hear what happened in the cave that night but I will tell you I heard some little bear yells and I know that Mischievous [Mis.] name was changed to sonny bear and don’t you know why? I will tell you because he was always behaving his mother and being sunshiny to people.

[two duplicate sentences are written at the top of this next page that do not seem to be connected to the story:  A little boy came – is underlined, and again:  a little boy came, both sentences are surrounded with a pencil line circle]

Oh tell us another cried Charles and Jane Oh no we will have to go home now and that night Jane and Charles dreamt about bears and cubs Charles dreamt [that is written twice and crossed out before being written a third time] that they were being good and Jane dreamt that they were being bad.

Mildred

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This story I present next here was actually the last story that appeared in the child’s composition book in which I found these stories as they had been preserved for over 70 years.  I believe this story reflects what happened to Mother as a result of her having been faced with what experts on the consequences of severe infant-child maltreatment call ‘the unsolvable paradox’.

Mother expresses her inner 10-year-old reality in the last words of this story.  She had been left from birth in a toxic and hostile world in which her attempts to form a working Theory of Mind (as it is built into a child’s brain) failed.  She had been presented with a question for which there WAS NO ANSWER.  That fact broke my mother’s mind and is, I believe, directly tied to the terrible Borderline Personality Disorder disease she was to spend the rest of her life suffering from:

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[This story has no title, but I believe shows the break that happened deep within my mother’s child mind.  This story was written right after her 10th birthday – the story begins right here…..]

Oh no but I wanted to ask but Priscillia said it would be alright if we didn’t but I find out differently now for their is just fire fire on all sides of us and she added sobbing we don’t know where our mother is. but I do answered the man it’s about time I told about myself Beth iam your Uncle Charlie that lives in Minniappolias. remember now didn’t your mother say that I was coming about four weeks ago. why is it you Uncle Charlie are you going to take us back home are you are you going to take us home. Yes! iam going to take you home answered Uncle Charlie. He was kind of puzzled himself as he looked around all ways trying to see if there was any way to get home but he was a brave man and did not show his troubles his head turned to the right Then in back of him where the fire was creeping swiftly on them. He looked in front of him then he turned to the left and saw a small path which led to safety. He quickly picked Priscilla up and placed her on the opposite shoulder from which Beth was. A small cheek was resting on a large one of Uncle Charlie’s and two small blue eyes were closed tightly dreaming of her beloved mummy one who she dearly loved. Beth was sound asleep. Down the path they walked down [the street is crossed out here] until ahead of them was a street a street wheir you did not half to look in front of you in back on the left hand side for fire of was Uncle Charlie glad to see this but he did not know the way from their back to Mrs. Hunter [some words crossed out here] home Mrs. Hunter [written very darkly through the crossed through name, Montgomery] was Beths mother’s name Priscillias mothers name was Mrs. Bliss. Again, Uncle Robert [sic] was puzzled now he did not know the way to get home he heard a funny sound he knew it came from somewhere around him he looked up in the tree no nothing their this [where that is crossed out]  place that place everywhere he looked.

He just noticed that their was something inside his coat oh what could it be he then heard a little bark that proved the situation but he would have to get the animal out he tapped Beth a gentle tap on the shoulder up came Beth she jumped as though a stone had hit her she landed in a big puddle of mud oh dear what shall I do she cried oh I am so wet Uncle Charlie so very wet what shall I do.  here take my coat and wrap it around you it will at least keep you warm out jumped the puppy joyfully oh so happy to be out.

bow wow wow barked the dog. Oh it’s my puppy Spot. Oh Spoty called Beth the dog jumped upon Beth again almost knocking her down into the mud again Youll lead us home right away wont you Spoty Bow wow answered Spoty. The dog at once began to run up the road then down the street Beth Pris. and Uncle Charlie not uttering a word to anyone none of them speaking to each other all having as much as they could do to keep up with Spoty, ahead of them now was a long steap hill to climb so again Uncle Charlie lifted to heavy again in the same possion that they had been before so they then started to climb the steep hill they would be running up if they knew it was the end of their journey as soon as they got to the top for the dog had been very faithful and lead them home.

They were almost to the top when they looked around to see that the dog was not to be seen anywhere at all but Uncle Charlie said it would be best for them to finish going up the hill and then they might know where they were they looked around when they got to the top of the hill but could not see Mrs. Hunter [written over an erased Montgomery] house or Mrs. Blisses house but to their surprise it seemed to be their own hill wheir their own houses used to stand.

Beth said I know how to tell if this is our own hill and she quickly ran over to where they thought that their houses should stand and looked around and she then quickly knew that this was the right hill for there were the most glorious bluebells

she quickly then ran over to her Uncle Charlie shouting this is our hill it is it is the hill that we used to live on [looks like us] but where is my mummy wheirs my mummy I ask you wheirs my mummy I ask you wheirs my mummy and wheirs your houses joined in Uncle Charlie up their [cannot read this word,  looks like eais] Priscillia. wheir asked Uncle Charlie and Beth in a chorus [spelled chourus]

[The next sentence as she wrote seems to make no sense!] Charles up their pir happy our house isn’t their but the anders – [maybe address?  What is she saying here?] — of it is a peculiar plan [looking at the original written page there is no break in the writing to indicate any kind of a shift in her flow of thought.  Perhaps “it is a peculiar plan” belongs at the start of this next sentence?]

Uncle Charlie, Beth and Priscilla have hunted, knocked at doors, and everything you could imagine until now, until now that the sun is setting and the stars are beginning to peek from behind the dark blue sky down.

The next task is to find a place to sleep, said Uncle Charlie. Priscilla, asked Uncle Charlie, have you any relatives that the fire hasn’t tackled and got the best of?  Why, I have an Aunt and Uncle in Maine, and a Grandma and Grandpa in New Hampshire, and some cousins in Wyoming, answered Priscilla.

That’s quite near here, just about a mile away from this redland. Oh, Uncle, why do you call Melrose that? asked Beth. Well, you see, this morning Melrose was as red as a ripe apple, answered Uncle Charlie, smacked his lips as he mentioned his favorite fruit. He was just about as hungry as Beth and Priscilla for none of them had had any lunch that day. Wasn’t it very red this morning? Continued Uncle Charlie. Wasn’t it, wasn’t it very red with blazes.

Well, that is a very good name for them. As he was talking he was following Priscilla’s careful steps toward Wyoming [a street in Boston where Mother grew up].

Up hills they went, around corners, down dusty streets where children were crying and shoemakers closing up their shops until finally ahead of them was sign with huge printed words WYOMING on it.

They all rejoiced when they saw those blessed words WYOMING but now the question was what street what street this was a question that none could answer [bold type is mine]

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See also:  *Mother’s Childhood Stories — A Few Scanned Pages from Original

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FURTHER READINGS:

Abstract:  On Tolerating Mental States: Theory of Mind in Borderline Personality — by Peter Fonagy

How does child abuse affect a childs Theory of Mind? – mcrh.org

Emotion understanding and theory of mind among maltreated – NCBI

Emotion understanding and theory of mind among … – Mendeley

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Our brain is designed to be a kind of anticipation machine.  We are supposed to be able to learn in the present, and from what happened in the past, to prepare for events that lie ahead of us.  It is my belief that among the many brain development changes that happen to abused and severely traumatized infants and young children is a change in how the frontal regions of our later-maturing ‘future thought’ brain abilities form themselves.

Our future thinking is connected to our ability to learn.  It is connected to our ability to anticipate consequences of our own and other people’s actions.  It is connected to our ability to take care of ourselves in the future, to plan and make wise choices and decisions.  I also believe that these abilities are the ones that musicians use because most of them CAN use them so that they can listen to a song and either sing it or play it on an instrument – in the future.

As I struggle through learning to read music and to play keyboard I realize that the severe trauma I experienced through abuse in my infancy and childhood has all but removed the ability from me to be able to listen to a song AND TO REMEMBER IT LONG ENOUGH to be able to play it in my own future.  I can clearly recognize that this lack of future memory ability prevents me from being able to accomplish something that to most musicians is taken as a given.

I do not believe I am in any way less musically talented that other musicians that can do this.  What is missing inside of me is a normally formed ability to remember the future – to remember INTO the future.

Throughout all of my early years of life my own experience of being a little person was interfered with by brutalizing trauma.  My life was continually interrupted.  Every time my own experience of myself in my own life was interfered with by my mother’s abuse DISSOCIATION happened.  These repeated and violent breaks in my own experience formed my early-developing body-brain differently from normal.  My ability to future think was changed.  I experience these changes all of the time.

How do we know, as early trauma survivors, that we are not processing information in the same way that others do who did not suffer what we did?  I am not going to name the ways we know right now.  I am only mentioning this one because I have been stymied by my inability to REMEMBER the music – sometimes even past the split second my fingers hit a key and move onto the next one.  The music is very hard for me to remember in an ongoing way as being a WHOLE song.  This is, I am realizing, not unlike the difficulties I truly have with remembering myself in my whole life as I move on through it.

I went searching online and found some related articles I share here (anything said in these links about astrology is merely anecdotal to this discussion – the abilities to future think are directly built into the early forming human brain – or not).

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Mind & Brain / Memory, Emotions, & Decisions

The Brain Memories Are Crucial for Looking Into the Future — Click here to find out more!

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Remembering the future: Our brain saves energy by predicting what it will see

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Does the brain “Remember The Future?”

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Why Do We Remember Bad Things?

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Brain Scans Of The Future
Psychologists Use fMRI To Understand Ties Between Memories And The Imagination

July 1, 2007 — “Psychologists have found that thought patterns used to recall the past and imagine the future are strikingly similar. Using functional magnetic resonance imaging to show the brain at work, they have observed the same regions activated in a similar pattern whenever a person remembers an event from the past or imagines himself in a future situation. This challenges long-standing beliefs that thoughts about the future develop exclusively in the frontal lobe.”

“Remembering your past may go hand-in-hand with envisioning your future! It’s an important link researchers found using high-tech brain scans. It’s answering questions and may one day help those with memory loss.” [Click on title for rest of article and video]

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Enchanted Mind – Future Memory

“Time and space are modes by which we think
and not conditions in which we live.”

Albert Einstein

“A truly creative mind can remember the future. Though this reads as an oxymoron – true to the wisdom within all paradox – it is possible to remember the future. A book by the same title has been written by a most extraordinary woman, P. M. H. Atwater. She has experienced future memory all of her life. She tells her story so well this book is hard to put down. She also gives all of the relevant science behind this phenomena in a very readable and understandable format.

“Einstein, Bohm, Hawking and other noted physicists, as well as Penrose, Bentov and others on the leading edge of mathematics and cosmology are documented as accepting and promoting this theory.  Their ideas and discoveries are simplified and connected in a very unique way in Future Memory. Ms. Atwater does a superb job of using simple images and simple language to explain complicated physical and mathematical concepts.  She also integrates this with the work of leading philosophers, psychologists, neurophysiologists, and biologists. This work is so comprehensive you will realize no stone was left unturned in revealing the simplicity of how future memory is possible.”

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Remembering the past to imagine the future: the prospective brain

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This post is in response to a blog reader who knows she was force fed as an infant.  I am not a professional in any sense regarding this topic so I found some related links on the topic and encourage readers to place comments to this post for discussion.

Some inexperienced new mothers might force feed their infant.  Force feeding is child abuse.  If any outsider detects this practice being done to a baby intervene in any way possible to stop it, including reporting the abuse to authorities if needed.

I cannot speak to the long-term consequences of what this trauma does to an infant abuse survivor.  In cases where the force feeding accompanies mentally ill/overall abusive parenting all the same consequences of Trauma Altered Development reported on this blog are likely to occur.

Any child abuse survivor that knows  that abuse-maltreatment-trauma happened to them can bet their booties it DID begin in their infancy if they have reason to believe they were chronically force fed at ANY stage of their infant-child development.

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FROM WICKIPEDIA — Force-feeding

Dr. Gott: Parents’ force-feeding is considered child abuse

Force feeding and eating disorders

Do you sometimes force your baby/child to eat…? – Yahoo! Answers

News for force feeding babies – child abuse

Feeding the 9 – 12 Month Old – “Pressure tactics make feeding harder, not easier. Don’t force-feed food, as this could create long-term unhealthy attitudes about eating.”

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Nursery boss ‘violently shook babies and forced them to eat vomit’

By Emily Andrews – England, March 2010 – This is a news article about horrendous infant abuse in a nursery school that included force feeing.  Other staff members in this facility knew the abuse was occurring for three years before someone finally reported it.

Another BBC article on this:  Woman ‘force-fed babies vomit’ at Bromley nursery

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Feeding the Baby – “During his 0 to 4 months, your baby will require only milk. They may feel full easily but will require at least eight feedings a day. Because your baby cannot tell you when he is full or not, be sensitive when he starts facing away from the milk, this is your signal that he has had enough.”

“As much as possible, make each mealtime enjoyable for your baby. Do not force him when he turns his head away from his food. This is his way of saying, I had enough or I do not want that. If you force feeding your baby, he may not enjoy mealtime, whining may happen. This may end up causing not enough nutrients in his body. You, of course, do not want this to happen.”

Feeding the Fussy Child – “Your baby develops dietary preferences, as she becomes aware that she is not just an extension of you. Deciding what she would like to eat is one way in which she asserts her independence.”

Trust your baby’s instincts

“Dr. Davis conducted an experiment using three 8 to 10 month old babies who had been fed only on breast milk. At each meal six to eight dishes of wholesome unrefined foods were placed before them and they were allowed to point to what they would like to eat.

Dr. Davis discovered that left to their own devices, these babies had a healthy development. Over time, they chose what was generally accepted as a well-balanced diet. Their appetites varied from meal to meal and day to day. This study seems to indicate that babies somehow have a natural inbuilt ability to eat in a manner that does not harm their development. We must remember that we managed our diets successfully for centuries before we were told the do’s and don’ts of nutrition. 

Parents should trust their babies’ instincts and give them some leeway when it comes to eating. Anxious parents worry that poor eating can lead to nutritional deficiency and development problems. Children seem to have an inner mechanism that somehow works to ensure that they have a balanced diet. Children rarely develop vitamin deficiency or malnutrition because they are poor eaters.”

Force feeding is not the answer

“When your child has a feeding problem, meal times become a battlefield as anxious and frustrated parents try to persuade their child to eat. A feeding problem is often the result of parents coercing their children to eat. In most cases this backfires. Forcing your child to eat will only worsen the situation because it reinforces the child’s dislike for food.

Mealtimes should be pleasant affairs. Avoid making the child’s diet a bone of contention at every meal. This will make the child dread meals even more. Make every effort to make your child look forward to mealtimes. Give her the wholesome food she likes best for 2 to 3 months and omit all the foods that she dislikes. This will help to make her less suspicious and tense about food.”

Feeding Problems in Infants: Force Feeding

“Force-feeding is the end-result of several different processes. It is important because of the direct dangers it holds for the baby and because of what it tells us of the mother-child relationship. Its primary cause is the sense in the feeder that the baby is not feeding properly.  [ME:  OR it is a consequence of a mentally ill and/or abusive parent’s treatment of their child!!]

This perception may be mistaken and reflect the unrealistic expectations of a young, inexperienced mother. Alternatively, if a good attachment has not formed between mother and baby, tolerance of the infant may be low and any slight ‘misdemeanour’ by the baby provokes irritation. The tolerance level may also be reduced if the mother is depressed or unhappy. Sometimes the source of the trouble is not the mother but the fact that many people are feeding the baby, who is sensitive to an atmosphere of inconsistency or disorder.”

BLOG POST:  “Anyone out there feel like they’re force feeding their baby???”

WEST AFRICA: Babies force-fed to free time for fields

Failure to Thrive – Should I force feed?

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It seems to me that I made an important decision for myself without knowing I did it.  Looking back at this past month in my book-writing process — or rather at my non-writing process — I am coming to the conclusion tonight that I am done with my first rough draft of my first book.  This comes as a surprise to me.  I was evidently done a month ago and didn’t know it.  Tonight I know it.

I understand what the ‘stopping’ I wrote about in recent posts was about.  That is what happens when the end of a book is reached.  The story stops.  It stops wherever it stops.  “Duh, Linda!”

So, this book ends where I quit writing.  I have tried to inch my way forward over these past weeks, but that is ALL I have accomplished — a few more inches.  The book almost stops when I was 10 and was forced by my mother’s intensified abuse to run away from her.  The book actually stops a few hours after I ran away and was forced to go back home.  I had nowhere else to go.

Certainly the whole story of my life at home being abused by Mother lasted another eight years without reprieve, but I realize now that my first book truly is about my childhood — about my life as a child.  After the age of ten, as I pass my eleventh birthday and begin to move into prepuberty, then into puberty, and then into my teenage years I was no longer a child.

Those later transitions belong to another book.

Even stopping here at age 10 I now have a massive editing process to go through.  But I can understand that.  I can work with that.  What has become very clear to me is that I cannot move forward into the later time I spent being abused by Mother without first going back and making a book out of what I have discovered about my life during the first decade I lived in this body on this planet being Linda.

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There are very few trauma memories from my abusive childhood that I can return to and think about freely.  I wouldn’t freely choose to return to them AT ALL if I didn’t believe there is healing in this process of book writing through which I am finally, at age 60, working to tell the whole story in order of the first 18 years of my life — for the first time ever.  I have written most of the ‘stories’ as vignettes of separate memory on this blog at ++MY CHILDHOOD STORIES with the bigger context for these stories at +DEVIL’S CHILD – My Childhood.

I am mentioning this today because I have finally copied from my stories this one — *Age 9 – BLOODY NOSE – so I could drop it into its ‘slot’ among my book writing history where it belongs.  It has taken me MONTHS just to be able to face going to the blog to find this account so I could move it into the main story I am writing.  I will NOT read it today, nor am I ready to go into the memory again to write it anew for the book – which might need to happen further down the road when the book begins its editing process.

In other words, being able to tolerate REMEMBERING – or re-membering – ourselves in our own childhoods of abuse is most often an extremely difficult piece of work for us to do.  I am a firm believer that each soul is created with a craving to seek love.  That we are destined to search for the love of God and to give it in return back to God and to all life around us – including to ourselves – means that even as an infant and a child I was NATURALLY doing this seeking whether I knew it or not.

Naturally an infant-child seeks attachment to its parents from birth.  When love is nowhere to be found, what happens inside the little one?  When direct HARM exists as evil in direct opposition to what God and nature intends, does the soul of a little one KNOW great injustice is being done to it?

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This post follows yesterday’s +IN MY ESSENCE, in which I posted this link:  *THE 1ST 21 HIDDEN WORDS.  In light of the very difficult memory I could barely tolerate retrieving today to place in its slot in my childhood story, I am pulling out two of the Hidden Words at this link I mention here in reference to what I believe my soul knew from the instant God created it at the instant of my physical body’s conception:

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“2:  O SON OF SPIRIT! The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest (p.4) Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.”

“4:  O SON OF JUSTICE! Whither can a lover go but to the land of his beloved? and what seeker findeth rest away from his heart’s desire? To the true lover reunion is life, and separation is death. His breast is void of patience and his heart hath no peace. A myriad lives he would forsake to hasten to the abode of his beloved.”

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In these quotes the reference is to the ultimate return to the love of God.  In the reality of my childhood the environment I existed in was full past the brim with the opposite of love.  That doesn’t mean my soul wasn’t SEEKING love in the physical world I was living in.  This is what my ‘Nosebleed’ memory is fundamentally about.  Not only was I naturally and rightly seeking love from the PEOPLE in my life – from my parents and siblings – I was seeking the FEELING of what it FELT like to be loved.

During my ‘Nosebleed’ experience I DID experience the FEELING of what it FELT like to be loved by my family and as a part of my family.  The story is terribly tragic, yet the glistening perfection IN MY OWN HEART, IN MY OWN SOUL shines out clearly to me down the corridor of the intervening 50+ years that have passed in earth time since this experience happened to me.

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During this experience, as evident in the memory itself, I for the first time in my life felt what I FELT to be loved just for a few moments without the evil black lightless enveloping cloud of hatred for me as a child being present!!  For the first time in my life the SUNSHINE of LOVE shone on me!!  What a MIRACLE this felt like to me!!  No matter what the actual facts of the experience were, this MIRACLE of LOVE was real – absolutely REAL – because it is WHAT I FELT!!

This is why I have kept this memory.  It shines through the inky sucking dark corridor of my childhood, and I think I remember it because my SOUL chose to keep this piece of information about myself in my life available to me – for GOOD reason.  In the midst of the sickness that generated, maintained and expressed great pervasive evil of terrible hatred, abuse and trauma – I was NOT a part to ANY OF IT!

As I now retrace my steps to look at my spiritual history of being a soul with a body and an earth (ego) self I can see that MY story, what I remember of myself in my childhood, is ALL GOOD.  I also am beginning to see that I did NOT dissociate spiritually from myself in the midst of those 18 years of trauma.  My SOUL simply was NOT attached to negative emotion.  I did not PERSONALLY accumulate the negative within my environment THAT DID NOT BELONG TO ME.

My soul felt and kept the shining light of justice.  I never consciously thought about, questioned, wondered about, or felt anything related to — “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why am I being treated like this while my siblings are not?” or “Gee, my life is so hard and I feel so sorry for myself” or “Gee I hate Mother” or “I am so MAD about what is being done to me.”

I have always thought I did not because I could not because I had been deprived of any outside input of ideas that would have let me know what was happening to me was wrong.

Today my thinking is shifting.  I am beginning to suspect there was something about myself as a SOUL that ALWAYS knew what was happening to me was wrong because my soul had been created with that knowledge of what God tells souls about justice.  I knew INNATELY the reality of my experience.  I had absolutely no need to question or complain.  My soul ALWAYS knew that what Mother did to me and what Father allowed her to do to me was not only wrong – BUT IN REALITY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME WHATSOEVER!!!

In other words, my soul knew the TRUTH.  I, as a human child, STILL searched for love.  I did not, however, despise my world for not providing it to me.  In this ‘Nosebleed’ memory I simply EXPERIENCED, as I say, the FEELING of what if FELT like as a human being to FINALLY FEEL LOVED by the whole-of-my-family.  I needed to know what that feeling was, and except for whatever contact I had with my remote Grandmother, and the love of my baby brother who was 13 ½ months old when I was born, I had no other clue about what love was in the physical human world.

That I ALSO never forgot what my soul knew of what if felt like to be loved by God — who created my soul out of His love for me in the first place — was not something I consciously knew as a child.  I am only now in these present days beginning to recognize this level of everlasting love.

So in essence I think I slid right on through the 18 years of terrible abuse and trauma of my childhood with my soul essentially untouched by it just like a home-run baseball hitter does, sliding safely to the plate untouched by a human hand holding a ball.  “SAFE” the umpire shouts as the crowd goes wild with celebration and glee.  “SAFE!”  Thank God, that runner is me.

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NOTE:  I am still engaged in a study about what my soul felt during all that abuse.  Did my soul know sorrow?  Or was the sorrow only a ‘surface body-based feeling’ that was very rightly triggered by severe painful harm?

MEANWHILE!!  Listen here —  Music for my soul

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I was conceived in and born into this storm reflected in a dream my severely abusive mentally ill (probably Borderline Personality Disorder) Mother recorded in her diary on March 29, 1960 (when I was nine years old) —

“The whole family was out walking and suddenly we looked up to see a dark rainbow appear – then it got bright and behind it a skyline appeared outlining massive dormed buildings such as I’ve never seen and skyscraper buildings– then it all disappeared and a big wind came.

We realized it was a hurricane. We could hardly stand up against the wind. We saw big apartment buildings on the sides of the streets but the entrances faced another street and we were on the wrong side.  The wind grew stronger – finally a door appeared and we went in the building and the person asked us what was wrong? We told her of the great wind but as we pointed outside – all was silent and the wind was gone … and I awoke.”

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What did I understand about my life in this storm?  Certainly as a newborn I ‘logically’ understood nothing.  Mother’s abuse of me was so persistent and comprehensive that I was left without any other frame of reference to think about myself in my life but hers.  As I work now to write the whole connected story of my childhood, can I look back and see that there was EVER a point in the 18 years and one month I lived being abused by Mother that I actually had any more information about the reality of my life than the one I was born with?

Nope!  Mother and HER reality ruled and only on one occasion did I have one important sentence appear in my thoughts to counteract all the abuse Mother did to me from the time I was born.

I’ve written about it on the blog before – and will write about it again when I get to the age in my story I was when this single sentence appeared.  Without presenting any other details, I will tell you what that sentence said:  “Linda, it is not humanly possible for anyone to be as bad as your mother says you are.”  I know this piece of information saved me (I have not yet tracked in my book-writing my exact age when I heard this statement but I was somewhere between age 11 and 15).

Up until that moment I had never been given a conscious clue that I was even human.  People who have been following this blog know that my mother suffered a psychotic break in delivering breech me, believing ever after that I was not human, that I was the devil’s child sent to kill her while I was being born, and that because we both survived I was sent as “a curse upon” her life.  By the time I was 17 and a senior in high school I know for a fact that in my conscious mind (such as it was) I completely believed my mother.  She had spent my entire infancy and childhood making sure I did.

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But RIGHT NOW in my book writing process I no longer give a single solitary HOOT about ANY of that abuse that violently happened to me FROM THE OUTSIDE OF WHO I WAS/am from the moment I was born (and in Mother’s thoughts even AS I was being born).  I want to know what was happening for me on the inside of who I was/am.

Who among us can remember what we knew at the moment of our conception?  That is how far back I am having to travel as I retrace my own story of existence to find out what I indeed ALWAYS knew in my soul — because that information was outside the range of what crazy mean Mother could touch.

I am looking for what my SOUL knew.  I will not write any further in my story than I already have as I crossed my 11th birthday without first retracing my existence to find this out.

In the most profound way possible I am beginning to suspect that the MASSIVE abuse I suffered was at the same time my greatest blessing.  Never in my childhood was I betrayed as my mother was in her childhood.  Nobody ever told me they loved me.  Nobody pretended to love me and then tortured me with withholding that so-called love from me.  I just plain never had human love, and that fact probably saved me.

I did NOT become confused as my mother did.  Her story is not my story to tell although I have a great deal of information about what happened to her, as I write about elsewhere.  At this point, it is MY story and my story only that concerns me.  Because I was not allowed to exist as a person in my own right, I never got myself mixed up in the affairs of the world — and as strange as that statement sounds, this fact matters most.

I am leaving here a link to what I believe are God’s words about the conception and creation of every human soul.  These words describe our only relationship that truly matters to our soul.  I had this relationship with God from the instant I was conceived — and I did not lose it by becoming entangled in my own affairs as a child.  I was created innocent and I stayed that way.

True, I was beaten black and blue, verbally abused nearly continuously, exiled from my grandmother, my father, my siblings and nearly all other people.  But Mother could not exile my soul from God.

I did not exile myself from God, either.  I did not feel anger at Mother.  I did not covet what my siblings had that I did not have.  I resented no one.  I felt no self pity.  I asked no questions nor did I wonder about what happened to me or why it happened.

I endured with the patience born of soul, and I did it without contaminating who I am with darkness.

Did my soul CHOOSE to remain pure and unsullied by the tortures inflicted on me, or was this process outside the range of my control?  Did I have some kind of spiritual protection that kept me from being contaminated by the massive sickness and horrors directed at me by my mother and allowed by my father?

I lived the first 9 months unharmed in Mother’s womb.  That was all I had before my suffering began.  What was my true experience of enduring the next 18 years of terrible abuse?  I don’t have the answers I want right now.   I did, however, find the very clear words recorded at this link — *THE 1ST 21 HIDDEN WORDS posted today on this page — GOD LOVE to guide me as I retrace my steps of searching back to what I knew from the moment I was created as a soul with this body.

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Just want to highlight a link in my previous post — Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children: Consequences of Emotional Neglect in Childhood

By Bruce D. Perry MD, PhD

Introduction

The most important property of humankind is the capacity to form and maintain relationships. These relationships are absolutely necessary for any of us to survive, learn, work, love, and procreate. Human relationships take many forms but the most intense, most pleasurable and most painful are those relationships with family, friends and loved ones. Within this inner circle of intimate relationships, we are bonded to each other with “emotional glue” – bonded with love.

Each individual’s ability to form and maintain relationships using this “emotional glue” is different. Some people seem “naturally” capable of loving. They form numerous intimate and caring relationships and, in doing so, get pleasure. Others are not so lucky. They feel no “pull” to form intimate relationships, find little pleasure in being with or close to others. They have few, if any, friends, and more distant, less emotional glue with family. In extreme cases an individual may have no intact emotional bond to any other person. They are self-absorbed, aloof, or may even present with classic neuropsychiatric signs of being schizoid or autistic [and VERY often is related to the range of personality disorders such as Borderline].

The capacity and desire to form emotional relationships is related to the organization and functioning of specific parts of the human brain. Just as the brain allows us to see, smell, taste, think, talk, and move, it is the organ that allows us to love – or not. The systems in the human brain that allow us to form and maintain emotional relationships develop during infancy and the first years of life. Experiences during this early vulnerable period of life are critical to shaping the capacity to form intimate and emotionally healthy relationships. Empathy, caring, sharing, inhibition of aggression, capacity to love, and a host of other characteristics of a healthy, happy, and productive person are related to the core attachment capabilities which are formed in infancy and early childhood. [I added the bold type for emphasis]

Read the rest of this article by clicking on its title — Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children: Consequences of Emotional Neglect in Childhood

The more stressed mothers become, the less likely the right kind of bonding and attachment is going to happen.  The individual, society and the planet suffer as a result.

Please also take a look at what the longterm consequences of early neglect and abuse are according to Center for Disease Control research – THE PYRAMID

We need to know these FACTS!!

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For all of the scholarly articles ‘out there’ on the subject of insecure attachment disorders, tonight I turn to what might be the simplest baseline description that can be found online about how early attachment patterns are observed and ‘diagnosed’.  Wikipedia has a page titled Attachment in children. 

Although the basics about attachment are informative and interesting, it is this I post below in italics that matters most to me in the Wikipedia article — (I added the bold type and left in the reference numbers.):

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Disorganized attachment

“A fourth category termed disorganized attachment (Main & Solomon, 1990) was subsequently identified and empiricized when a sizeable number of infants defied classification in terms of Ainsworth’s original tripartite classification scheme.^[9] It can be conceptualized as the lack of a coherent ‘organized’ behavioral strategy for dealing with the stresses (i.e., the strange room, the stranger, and the comings and goings of the caregiver) of the Strange Situation Procedure.

Evidence from Main et al. has suggested that children with disorganized attachment may experience their caregivers as either frightening or frightened. A frightened caregiver is alarming to the child, who uses social referencing techniques such as checking the adult’s facial expression to ascertain whether a situation is safe.

 A frightening caregiver is usually so via aggressive behaviors towards the child (either mild or direct physical/sexual behaviors) [and/or VERBAL] and puts the child in a dilemma which Main and colleagues have called ‘fear without solution.’

In other words, the caregiver is both the source of the child’s alarm as well as the [supposed-to-be] child’s haven of safety.

Through parental behaviors that are frightening, the caregiver puts the child in an irresolvable paradox of approach-avoidance.

This paradox, in fact, may be one explanation for some of the ‘stilling’ and ‘freezing’ behaviors observed in children judged to be disorganized.

Human interactions are experienced as erratic, thus children cannot form a coherent, organized interactive template.

If the child uses the caregiver as a mirror to understand the self, the disorganized child is looking into a mirror broken into a thousand pieces.

It is more severe than learned helplessness as it is the model of the self rather than of a situation.

There is a growing body of research on the links between abnormal parenting, disorganized attachment and risks for later psychopathologies.^[10] Abuse is associated with disorganized attachment.^[11][12] The disorganized style is a risk factor for a range of psychological disorders although it is not in itself considered an attachment disorder under the current classification.^[13][14]”

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I absolutely believe that disorganized-disoriented IS an attachment disorder.  I would have to distract myself by running around the www for some info to back myself up – However, I have other things I need to be doing right now…..

“Model of the self rather than of a situation” — I personally find this terminology useless in a discussion of severe early abuse survivorship with its corresponding attachment disorders.  As an adult survivor of 18 years of severe abuse from birth I know more from within myself about what this topic is about than any non-abuse so-called expert will EVER know.  Every time parental abuse disorganizes-disorients the experience of an infant-child, pathways and circuits are created in the brain-nervous system-body accordingly.  This has NOTHING to do with SELF in the beginning!  These patterns DISTORT the victim’s ability to form a self in the first place.  When a little one is forced to remain in a traumatic environment without end the ‘situation’ all but becomes ‘the self’.

Making any distinction between situation/environment and ‘self’ during the most critical brain developmental stages before age one – that FORM the social-emotional brain and the pathways and circuitry that regulate (or dysregulate) social and emotional experiences for a lifetime – cannot be done.  Only when a little one is safe and secure ENOUGH to begin to develop a self that is something OTHER than a ‘survival machine’ can we think about the luxury of the formation of a self.

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I sat to write this post because I wanted to TRAP into a text two words that have been periodically appearing in my thoughts over this past week:  FRANTIC PANIC.

As I track ‘anxiety’ in my body I usually do not let myself follow it far enough to its source, which was (and is on some level today at age 60) exactly this state of feeling/being:  FRANTIC PANIC.

I recognize that this feeling state was forced upon me by a TERRIFYING, brutal Mother who did not hesitate to attack me from the time I was born.  Mother attacked me for the following 18 years – and I know especially before the age of 9 or 10, FRANTIC PANIC was my response.

Mother’s attacks usually came at me out of the blue.  She was psychotic.  What she saw either did not happen at all, or did not happen the way Mother said that it did.  I was unable to predict anything about what she did to me, when she did it, or why she did it.

From my child point of view, her attacks DISORGANIZED AND DISORIENTED me.  I believe the disorganizing and disorienting experiences of repeated traumas built dissociation into my body-brain – and just like there is electricity inherent in a bolt of lightning, there was FRANTIC PANIC in my responses to Mother’s attacks.

FRANTIC PANIC is not “fear without resolution” in my thinking, it is a natural, physiological TERROR response to an attack for which a young child has no possible resolution abilities – hence, very often dissociation is the result – not AS attacks happen but BETWEEN the attacks.

Anyone who doesn’t know what this feeling state is like, just think of a giant bigger than your house attacking you right this moment out of the blue – violently, terrifying you, startling you, crashing your world – and you have NO defense, no escape, no understanding of ANYTHING that is happening to you.  There I was, over and over again more times than I could now count, being a little person – and suddenly out of nowhere BOOOMMMM!!!

My FIRST response?  FRANTIC PANIC.  What do the ‘professionals’ want to call that feeling left in the body of infant-child abuse survivors?  Anxiety:  What a paltry, pasty, pathetic, completely inadequate word!

SEE ALSO:

*Attachment Simplified – Disorganized Insecure Attachment – Disorganized-Disoriented

Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children:  Consequences of Emotional Neglect in Childhood — By Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.

THE EFFECTS OF EARLY RELATIONAL TRAUMA ON RIGHT BRAIN By Dr. Allan Schore

+LINK TO IMPORTANT ARTICLE ON EFFECTS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

+BRAIN INSIGHTS THE EASY WAY – GREAT WEBSITE!

+DISORGANIZED-DISORIENTED INSECURE ATTACHMENT – 2 ARTICLE LINKS

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