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Now I am having ‘second thoughts’ related to the post I just finished:  +IN THE EPIC OF MY ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD THE MOUNTAIN RAISED MY SOUL

In light of my thinking about the book title for my collection of childhood stories as they relate to the absence of mercy, I am wondering about SHAME transactions as they relate to human attachment interactional patterns of rupture and repair.

As Dr. Allan Schore writes, an infant’s nervous system has not developed itself enough prior to the age of one for shame to be physiologically experienced.  The timing of the nervous system’s development that DOES allow for the experience of shame corresponds with an infant’s physical development that allows it to ‘hatch’ from its caregiver’s lap.

As an infant begins to explore the wider world, and as it returns to its caregiver, the experience of rupture and repair with the caregiver take on a bigger purpose.  If the infant returns to a caregiver that does not express joy, the infant’s nervous system will ‘crash’ in the autonomic nervous system’s STOP reaction – which is the first experience of shame.

At this age the infant is beginning to be an active participant in the repair-of-the-rupture process.  If the infant returns to a caregiver that is NOT joyful at the return-reunion-attempt to repair a ‘rupture’ caused by the infant’s distancing itself physically from its caregiver, the TWO (infant and caregiver) can now begin to actively negotiate what needs to happen for the joy-filled repair of the rupture to happen.

Schore is very clear that prior to the age of one it is almost entirely up to the caregiver to repair ruptures in the safe and secure attachment pattern with an infant.  That is because prior to age one it will always be the responsibility of the caregiver to accomplish repair because the infant is not fully equipped to begin to do this on their own.  The parent is building rupture and repair patterns into the physiology of the infant’s growing body-nervous system-brain so that in time the infant can internalize actions that lead to needed repair.

Schore states that whomever initiated the rupture is BEST able to repair it, and needs to be the one that initiates it.

I think of an example from my own early mothering experience that happened when I was just 20 and my first born was 9 months old.  Being quite astute and very smart, she had figured something out to do that would guarantee her LOTS of attention!

As soon as I finished feeding my daughter in her high chair, and turned away from her to carry her dishes to the sink, I would hear her throwing up.  Oh, the POOR BABY!  “Oh, honey, WHAT’S WRONG!”  Over I would go to her, and you can imagine the scene that followed in my concern for her obvious lack of well-being!

That worked until the moment one day that I happened to catch what she was doing out of the corner of my eye as I turned toward the sink.  She had figured out how to stick her finger down her throat and MAKE herself throw up!

OK.  End of that game!  I did not get mad at her.  I did not SHAME her.  I did not punish her.  I simply began to completely ignore her.  Of course I had to continue to clean her and the mess up a few times afterward, but I gave her ZERO reinforcing attention for the ‘trick’ and she soon ceased it completely forever.

At nine months of age, my daughter’s nervous system had not developed enough for her to be able to handle or process a shaming interaction.  Of course I had not neuroscience information to tell me that.  I knew it intuitively and acted appropriately.  While I could say that SHE was the one that initiated ‘rupture’ that needed repair, it was appropriate and necessary that I as her caregiver handle this situation appropriately – and safely and securely.  As she grew into a bigger body-brain that had the capacity to negotiate rupture and repair, of course she became increasingly responsible for her own actions.

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This all ties back into what I just posted about the rupture and repair attachment-related experiences I had as a child with our mountain homestead.  There was NEVER any shame-based transaction about those patterns of rupture and repair.  Whether we stayed, left or returned had nothing to do with me.

Of course in my universe that was a very good thing, but that also left me with no safe and secure experience growing up with healthy, stable, sensible, or even reasonable patterning of how to repair ruptures in human attachment relationships.  BIG PROBLEM for me on some fundamental levels of how my body-brain developed.  As a consequence, I continue to struggle to work my way around the complexities of human relationships and I always will.

Because I didn’t CAUSE the patterns of rupture in my attachment relationship with the mountain, I didn’t gain any experience in PERSONALLY either initiating or accomplishing repair.  But I did gain experience both in safe and secure attachment (love) to the mountain and experience in the rupture-repair patterning process.  What got left out was ME being an active agent in the whole process.

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