http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
Is my ‘problem’ about forgiveness, especially as it relates to my mother, really the problem that I never was mad at her in the first place? Does forgiveness require stages like they say the grief process does? Is there something wrong that I went to the empathy and understanding place first, having bypassed anger?
Stop the Storm 
You make a good point. If someone is hurt and they choose not to get angry/take offense, is there really anything to forgive? I remember you made a point in a previous post that as a child, you were never angry at your mistreatment. As a child, you accepted the way things were.
As an adult, you look back and realize how much harm was done to you. You see how your mother singled you out for abuse for 18 years and beyond. Are you angry now? That’s the million dollar question!
You mentioned not understanding forgiveness. I think of your story about your little son. You became angry with him one day and knocked him off the stool with your hand. You immediately felt terrible and went to comfort him. You probably said you were sorry and asked him to forgive you. He probably said ‘it’s ok mommy”. You asked for forgiveness and you received forgiveness. You probably have done the same things many times in your life as we all do.
Defining forgiveness seems easy until someone actually asks you to define it. I have a 10 year old son and we are practicing Catholics. If he asked me to explain forgiveness,
I would tell him that forgiveness is “letting go” of the hurt and anger that can happen when someone hurts you. I would tell him that holding onto anger can make you feel sick like when you have a tummy ache. Forgiveness is a choice that we have because we have free will. Choosing to forgive someone might end up making your tummy feel better so you can focus your energy on fun things like video games and not be bugged by that hurt feeling anymore. He would agree because no one forgives more completely and more sincerely than a child.
A friend of mine just responded to my question about forgiveness via telephone. She asked that we meet for pizza and have a discussion about it this evening. That sounds good to me! She believes that forgiveness is an actual emotion like all of our other emotions. She also believes that it is always in response to some form of betrayal.
Here’s another friend’s response:
Hi Linda –
Forgiveness is as much for the one doing the forgiving as it is for the one being forgiven. I think forgiveness is about release. When you forgive someone, you move past the harm that person did to you, and you let the hurt feelings go. When I forgive someone I usually find myself with a sense of peace. Forgiveness doesn’t always happen all at once. Depending on the offense, it can be a process that takes days, months, or even years.
Sometimes people hurt you without knowing it, and sometimes people will make conscious decisions to hurt you. Sometimes people will apologize, and sometimes they won’t, or can’t. An apology doesn’t make the offense go away, and neither does the act of forgiveness. I think it’s more about accepting that whatever happened is in the past and can’t be changed. You can choose to wallow in the past or you can choose to move forward. If you choose to move forward, you can do it with or without the anger and hurt feelings. It’s not easy to let the hurt go – again, it can be a process – but I think it’s better to walk the road without carrying those things as burdens. You’re much lighter without them, and you’ll go much farther.
Forgiveness doesn’t always involve other people. One thing I’ve tried to do more of as I’ve gotten older is forgiving myself. I’m well aware that I’ve hurt other people in this life. If someone else can forgive me for something I’ve done or failed to do, then I should be able to forgive myself for it. Also, I know I’ve done things that have harmed me. There were occasions when I knew at the time I was making a bad decision, and there were other times when I didn’t realize the harm I’d done to myself until quite some time later. Forgiveness is not about changing what happened in the past, but it can be about changing what happens in the future.
Love to you.
Another response:
hi Linda,
Good question made me think…what I would tell them it is to let something go and not blame or hold a grudge against someone for something they have done. It doesn’t mean it didn’t take place and that you will forget it…that is a different matter altogether. It is a healing experience and especially for the person who is forgiving. I watched my aunt after her divorce and she was bitter and blamed and hated her exhusband..she was consumed with it..when she finally forgave him it was her life that changed not his…C