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I didn’t get very far in my thinking this morning about infant-child abuse, the vagus nerve, and my Borderline mother before I encountered a speed bump with a big sign beside it that read:  CONTEXT.  I was intending to continue studying what Dr. Dacher Keltner writes next in his chapter on compassion (in his book Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life), but I was immediately forced into taking an investigative detour.

Keltner shares with other researchers a “hypothesis that the vagus nerve is a bundle of caretaking nerves.”  (page 232).  As he begins to present some research that his student, Chris Oveis designed and accomplished, he states:

“…suffering Humans are wired to respond to harm from the first moments of life.  One-day-old infants cry in response to another infant’s cries of distress but not their own.  Many two-year-old children, upon seeing another cry, will engage in the purest forms of comfort, offering their toys and gestures of visible concern to the person suffering.  Pictures of sad faces presented so fast participants don’t even know what they’ve seen trigger activation in the amygdala.”  (page 232)

It turns out that what Keltner writes about next is related to ‘prosocial initiation’ that is a human process directly connected to our wandering vagal nerve system in our body.  Oveis’ research shows that both the experience of compassion and the experience of pride are wired into this system and show themselves through directly opposite physiological reactions of the vagus nerve.

Tied to this is the fact that our physiological experience of compassion happens as concern for the individual self is depleted in favor of a concern for others.  Pride, on the other hand, was shown in these studies to operate with an inflation of self interest with a corresponding narrowing and limiting circle of concern for others.

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After reading this information (see starting on page 232 in the chapter on compassion previously posted), I hit the CONTEXT speed bump as my thinking turned in what seemed to be a bizarre direction.  Because I already know that my mother’s insanely abusive treatment of me in my infant-childhood involved a ‘distorted self’ component in that she entirely projected her own ‘badness’ out onto me and then spent 18 years beating me for it, a strange thought came to me today.

While very few Americans might want to admit this (think:  denial = stage of childhood magical thinking), don’t we REALLY worship the SELF in our culture as we practice the religion of INDIVIDUALISM?  In following this train of thought I can easily arrive at a very disturbing conclusion:  My mother was a fanatical devotee to this religion.  Nobody mattered in my mother’s universe except herself.  That her self’s development had been sent spinning off into a distorted course of development through the circumstances of her own infant-childhood doesn’t change the fact that if her self-as-she-experienced-it hadn’t been allowed the freedom to rampage as she saw fit within her home, my life would have been far different.

I think about an example of this worship of SELF and the religion of INDIVIDUALISM in American culture as it is provided in the context of my mother’s infant-childhood.  There was my remote and selfish grandfather, rich and high-powered stock broker that he was (until the crash of ’29 stripped him).  He had five childless years of marriage to my grandmother, herself a mastered degree professional ‘liberated’ woman, before he was forced into the role of fatherhood.

If the course of my grandfather’s intimate life could be used as a measure of the quality of his prosocial commitments, he failed miserably.  If the way my grandmother’s daughter turned out could be used as a measure of the quality of mothering my mother received from her, my grandmother also failed miserably.

So off my investigative mind went today in a search for CONTEXT related to childrearing as it appears in culture.  Because Keltner presents research that clearly shows that humans are capable of prosocial reactions from the first day of life,  because those abilities are wired into our body, when, how, why and through what influences can things go so wrong that someone like my mother can severely abuse her offspring from birth and for the next 18 years – while nobody, including my father, cared?

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Simply put, does typical American-Western culture worship the SELF in a religion of INDIVIDUALISM in direct contrast to Chinese-Eastern Confucian culture where the highest value is placed on a prosocial self in a religion of relationship?

If this is true, and in light of the research on the social operation of our vagus nerve system in our body, then the influences on infant-child development within these two opposing cultures must influence our entire physiological development – of our body-brain – in accordance with how the self is formed in relationship to others.

Please take some time to read and think about the text I present below in terms of how the differences in cultural values provides the CONTEXT for childrearing – even as it also influences both the occurrences of severe maltreatment of infant-children and how that maltreatment influences the developmental changes that happen as a consequence of early relational traumas.

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I am presenting part of a chapter (below) from the 2002 book, Handbook of affective sciences, by Richard J. Davidson, Klaus R. Scherer, H. Hill Goldsmith (Refer to full chapter online HERE — Chapter 20 – Dynamic development of component systems of emotions:  Pride, shame, and guilt in China and the United States, by Michael F. Mascolo, Kurt W. Fischer, and Jin Li).  (Please note:  Refer to the authors’ listing of references in the original article – I have mostly excluded them from the text I include here for educational/study purposes only)

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“American individualism is founded on the primacy of individuals in personal, social, moral, and civic relations.  American individualism values freedom to pursue personal happiness, equality before God and the law, and individual choice in matters of social relations.  In this way, Americans can be said to construct selves that are relatively bounded and separate from others….  At least in the Anglo middle class of American culture, individuals tend to make relatively clear distinctions about what to consider me and mine as opposed to you and yours.  These individualist beliefs are organized around a morality based on principles of individual rights, justice, and equality….  Persons possess universal inalienable rights.  Social relations are based on freely negotiated contracts and agreements.  Although individualist systems demand that individuals refrain from actions that bring harm to others, there are no superogatory moral obligations to sacrifice the self on the behalf of others….  With exceptions (such as relationships to one’s children), individuals are not constrained strongly by a priori obligations of duty, loyalty, or service to others, whether those others include one’s spouse or extended family, employer, or nation.  These beliefs follow from the priority placed on both freedom to pursue individual happiness and freedom from arbitrary constraint….

“Consistent with these beliefs, Americans place considerable value on individuality…, independence…, and personal achievement….  Persons are seen as unique individuals and are encouraged to express their personal feelings and desires and to develop their particular talents.  Children are socialized to depend on themselves rather than on others in performing any given task.  In consonance with these beliefs, Americans place considerable importance on self-esteem…, which is seen as both a determinant and product of personal achievement.  Many Americans believe that in order to succeed, individuals must believe in their abilities (e.g., have self-confidence) and develop positive self-esteem.  Because of the importance placed on self-esteem, Americans praise their children’s successes and protect them from shame.  In this way, personal achievement is outcome, rather than process, oriented.  That is, the main focus of achievement activity is on producing specific outcomes rather than on the process of learning, developing, or achieving per se….  As such, although effort and hard work are valued (e.g., the Protestant work ethic), they are seen as means to reaching desired ends rather than as valuable in themselves.  Perhaps because of value placed on demonstrating one’s uniqueness, individuals often attribute their successes and failures to individual ability rather than to effort or hard work….

“The situation is quite different in many Asian cultures.  For example, Chinese Confucian conceptions of self and social life are organized around the idea of self-perfection as a relational process (Tu, 1985).  This notion is embodied by the dual assumptions that (1) individuals develop through a lifelong process of self-cultivation and (2) the self is a nexus of social relationships (Tu, 1979, 1985).  With regard to the first assumption, Confucianism maintains that individual development consists of a lifelong process of self-cultivation and self-perfection, sometimes called the Way (Tu, 1979).  Through this process, one literally learns to become human.  Confucianism specifies a series of ultimate life goals….  These include ren (benevolence), yi (righteousness), and li (ritual propriety).  Of these, ren is the most important, as it specifies the fundamental quality of being human.  From this view, self-cultivation is a lifelong process of cultivating a moral and spiritual character – to become the most benevolent, sincere, and humane person possible.

There are several important implications of the cultivation of ren.  First, self-cultivation refers to a lifelong process rather than a search for a fixed and attainable outcome.  In this sense, the cultivation of ren is never complete.  Any concrete achievement in life is seen as but a single step or milestone in a long, long process of learning to become ren.  As such, particular developmental outcomes are secondary to the Way.  Second, the search for ren involves a highly disciplined search for the good life, which cannot be reached without sustained effort and lifelong devotion.  The search for ren is similar to the process of becoming a mathematician (or any other type of learned scholar).  Although a rudimentary sense of numeracy may exist from the start, one cannot become a great mathematician without conscious effort and cultivation.  In this way, effort functions as the primary tool in developing ren because it puts desire into action….  Today the notion of continuous self-perfection through hard work continues to be a primary value of Chinese people….

“However, self-cultivation is not an individualist process.  Ren, the fundamental human quality of benevolence, is an inherently social and moral value.  To become sincerely benevolent and humane requires that one put others first.  This is a reflection of the primacy that Chinese Confucianism places on social harmony within hierarchy.  In Confucianism, individuals are not isolated units; they are born into a web of social relationships that are organized in terms of a richly ordered hierarchy.  As such, one is inherently connected to others as part of a hierarchically structured whole.  One cultivates the self through relationships with others.  Development is a lifelong process involving an “ever increasing awareness of the presence of the other in one’s self-cultivation”  (Tu, 1985, p. 232).  As further articulated by Tu, “A Confucian self devoid of human-relatedness has little meaningful content of its own….  A Confucian man’s self-awareness of being a son, a brother, a husband, or a father dominates his awareness of himself as a self-reliant and independent person”  (p. 233).  To become a harmonious being within the social hierarchy, self-cultivation occurs as one willingly learns to suppress one’s own desires and define oneself in terms of the needs and wishes of others within the family and broader society.  To maintain social harmony, it is necessary to praise others and efface the self in social relations….

“The social process of self-cultivation begins in the family.  The indigenous concept of filial piety…is central to Chinese self and socialization.  Yang (1988, 1996) has demonstrated that the traditional value of filial piety continues to be represented in Chinese culture today.  Filial piety refers to the strict moral obligations that exist between children and parents.  Filial piety establishes the absolute authority of parents over children and brings with it reciprocal obligations of parents to children.  It specifies standards for how children relate to their parents and other family members, living or deceased.  It specifies how they are to honor and respect their parents and family name (especially in the traditionally sacrosanct father-son relationship), to provide for them in old age, and to perform ceremonial rituals of worship.  According to the Book of Rites…, a son demonstrates his filial piety in three ways:  by honoring his father, by not disgracing him, and by caring for him in old age.  It is difficult to overestimate the importance and scope of filial piety in shaping Chinese selves.

If a man in his own house and privacy be not grave, he is not filial; if in serving his ruler he be not loyal, he is not filial; if in discharging the duties of office he be not serious, he is not filial; if on the filed of battle he be not brave, he is not filial.  If he fail in these five things, the evil [of the disgrace’ will reflect on his parents.  Dare he but be serious?  (Tu, 1985, pp. 237-238)

“It is important to note that although filial piety is often understood in terms of obligations of children to parents, it is fully mutual and reciprocal.  Parents have a duty to sacrifice for and support their children throughout their lifespan.  It is the parental commitment to children that provides the basis for children’s filial devotion (xiao) in the first place.

“The Classic of Filial Piety is defined as “raising one’s reputation in order to exalt one’s parents” (cited in Yu, 1996), a definition that accentuates the importance of maintaining face and familial honor….  Hu (1944) proposed two basic aspects of face in Chinese society and social relations.  Lian refers to an individual’s moral character in the eyes of others, and it develops as one exhibits faithful compliance to moral, ritual, and social norms.  To say that a person bu yao lian (“doesn’t want face”) indicates that the person is “shameless” or “immoral”;  it is one of the worst insults that can be cast against a person.  In China, the second aspect of face is mianzi, referring to one’s reputation or social prestige.  Mianzi is earned through success in life, attaining a high or respected social position.  To say that a person mei you mianzi means that one is not deserving of honor or respect.  Although still insulting, it is less harsh than being characterized as “shameless” (lacking lian).  According to Hu (1944), although Westerners have a concept of “face” similar to mianzi (i.e. “social prestige”), it does not have the strong moral implications of the concept of lian.  Face is a driving force in social relations among the Chinese, and failures to show lian, or mianzi bring dishonor, disgrace, and shame to one’s family, self, and other significant relationships….

“To promote the cultivation of ren, self-effacement, and self-harmonization with others, Chinese parents adopt relatively strict socialization processes.  Although efforts to socialize children begin soon after they begin to talk and walk, strict discipline increases precipitously at the “age of reason” (dongshi, around 5 years of age).  A central value is affective control:  Children are taught to control their impulses and not to reveal their thoughts and feelings.  Violence is strictly forbidden and is met with severe consequences.  Socialization may involve corporal punishment, which becomes unnecessary as soon as children are able to cease prohibited actions on demand….  To promote filial piety, proper behavior, benevolence, and love of learning, parents draw on a variety of shaming techniques.    If, for example, a child were to show inadequate learning in school, a parent might say, “Shame on you!,”  “You didn’t practice hard enough!,”  “Everyone will laugh at you!,”  “I have no face with your teachers!,” or “You show no filial piety!”  The use of shaming techniques and the creation of strong emotional bonds promote the self-cultivation of relational selves….

Cultural Organization of Self-Evaluative Emotions

“Social, self-evaluative emotions exist across cultures, but their specific forms are strongly shaped by cultures….  Figure 20.4 [see online link page 386] outlines the organization of social self-evaluative emotions within the contexts of American individualism and Chinese Confucianism.  Whereas Americans tend to make sharp distinctions between the moral and the conventional…, under Confucianism all domains of human action are seen as having a strong moral component (Tu, 1979).  For example, under American individualism, achievement is an important social value, but it is not considered a moral imperative or obligation.  In contrast, under Confucianism obligations to family and social groups, to lifelong learning and self-cultivation, and to physical/sexual/civic mores are all connected as part of the larger system of explicitly moral obligations to harmonize oneself with others (Tu, 1979, 1985).

American Individualism:  Separation of Achievement and Morality

“Two separate routes to the experience of self-evaluative emotions within American individuals are social achievement…and moral conduct….  Within achievement domains, if people succeed at an important task, they may become proud of the self’s ability or accomplishment.  Pride is a manifestation of self-esteem and is acceptable as celebration and sharing of one’s worthy self and accomplishments with others.  Pride becomes negative when taken to the extreme, evolving into hubris….  Conversely, upon failing in an achievement domain, people may become ashamed of their lack of ability….  In individualism, shame can arise from an uncontrollable flaw in the self, which is damaging to self-esteem….  As a result, shame engenders hiding, social withdrawal, and self-reproach….

“A second pathway to self-evaluative emotion under individualism is through moral violations.  When people violate a moral norm (e.g., harm another person, violate their rights), they may experience guilt, shame, or both, depending on their appraisal of the situation.  If they focus on their responsibility for an immoral outcome, they experience guilt and attempt to fix the situation, making reparations, or confess….  If instead they view themselves from the eyes of another and see themselves as an immoral, bad, or evil person, they experience shame….  In this way, in individualist systems guilt functions primarily as a moral emotion, whereas shame can function as either a moral emotion or an emotion of social evaluation.

Chinese Confucianism:  Morality and Self-Harmonization

“The situation is quite different under Confucianism.  Instead of making a sharp distinction between the social evaluative and the moral, Confucianism treats social/familial obligations, learning, and physical/sexual mores as all primarily moral concerns….  Because of the value placed on harmony within hierarchy in Chinese society…, not the feeling of and enactment of pride are explicitly discouraged….  If one meets one’s social and familial obligations, one brings honor to the family, not pride to oneself.  Similarly, in light of the Confucian ideal that individuals are not viewed as isolated from their social relations, an individual’s worthy accomplishments are not attributed exclusively to the self.  Instead, they are seen as products of one’s relationships with family and other social groups with whom individuals identify and from whom they gain their support.  (Li, 1997, in press).  As such, a person who has produced a worthy outcome brings honor not primarily on the self but instead to his or her family and other significant social groups.  Thus, when a person performs a worthy action, the appropriate response is not self-celebration but instead modesty, self-effacement, and praise for the other….

“The practice of modesty and self-effacement can be illustrated through an analysis of Chinese politeness strategies.  In an analysis of Chinese and American responses to social compliments, Chen (1993) reported that Americans used for basic politeness strategies:  accepting (39%), returning (19%)m deflecting (30%), and rejecting (13%) compliments.  In contrast, Chinese respondents showed three basic strategies but used primarily one rejecting (96%), in contrast to thanking and denigrating the self (3%) and accepting the compliment (1%)….

“This practice cannot simply be viewed as a kind of “false modesty” or impression management.  Markus and Kitayama (1991) studied the role of culture in the organization of emotional experiences and found that although both Japanese and American participants discriminated between socially engaged versus socially disengaged feelings, the affective valence of their reactions differed greatly (see also Kitayama, Markus, & Matsumoto, 1995).  Socially engaged positive feelings include being together (feelings of closeness, friendliness, respect), whereas socially disengaged positive emotions cast individuals apart from each other (feelings of pride, superiority, being on top of the world).  For Japanese in contrast to Americans, ratings of socially engaged emotions were more strongly correlated with general positive emotions (e.g., feeling happy, relaxed, calm, or elated…).  Conversely, ratings of positive disengaged emotions were more strongly correlated with general positive feelings for Americans than for Japanese.  That is, “feeling good” is strongly related to feelings of social engagement among the Japanese and to feelings of pride and superiority among Americans.  Markus and Kitayama argue that individual attributes are important dimensions of self to Americans, but maintaining harmonious relationships is more central to Japanese sense of self.  They suggest that the motivation for self-effacement among the Japanese is neither false modesty, lack of self-esteem, nor impression management, but self-harmonization – the desire to maintain a conception of self as part of a harmonious relationship with the other.  We suggest that Chinese self-effacement similarly reflects genuine self-harmonization rather than false modesty.”

(from page 384-387 – Chapter 20 – Dynamic development of component systems of emotions:  Pride, shame, and guilt in China and the United States, by Michael F. Mascolo, Kurt W. Fischer, and Jin Li)

from Handbook of affective sciences

By Richard J. Davidson, Klaus R. Scherer, H. Hill Goldsmith

Refer to chapter online HERE

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Note:  I am not advocating either a matriarchal or patriarchal social system here, but reading this chapter today brought to my mind the complete imbalance in my family or origin created in part by disrespect of and disregard for the father.  Once my grandmother divorced her husband when my mother was five, she did everything in her power to disrepute that man.  As a result my mother was disallowed a relationship with her father in her childhood, and did not in her adulthood pursue a relationship with him.  We know next to nothing about our family’s ancestry of my maternal grandfather.

In turn, my mother disreputed my father’s entire family.  My mother effectively influenced my father to disown his family.  After nearly 40 years of marriage to my mother, once my father divorced her he realized what a loss he suffered, but by that time his father, mother and brother were all dead.

And most certainly my mother did not in any way honor or respect her husband, nor did my father demonstrate that he honored or respected himself.

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