I stop and look inside of myself as I begin to write this post. Do I want to write about the present? Do I want to write about the past? Chasing fireflies in the darkness, so beautiful, becoming rare. I miss them. They do not live in the desert.
Which words might want to appear here? What story?
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I know that I mentioned this once before in an earlier post, that the inability to tell a coherent life story is one of the key and central indicators that a person has an insecure attachment from early childhood. I think we are often tempted to focus on what we know of our adult relationships. Task masters that we are, we count them like keeping score. Which ones were ‘good’? Which ones failed? Were we hurt? Are we bitter? Could we have ‘done better’?
But what do we really know about those early relationships, the ones that set the stage and formed the patterns that lie in the very fiber of our brain and body? Those, the implicit memories, that guide us obliquely?
Now there’s a word I didn’t expect to pop out of my keyboard when I started writing this post.
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from – Definitions of oblique on the Web:
- any grammatical case other than the nominative
- slanting or inclined in direction or course or position–neither parallel nor perpendicular nor right-angled; “the oblique rays of the winter sun …
- external oblique muscle: a diagonally arranged abdominal muscle on either side of the torso
- devious: indirect in departing from the accepted or proper way; misleading; “used devious means to achieve success”; “gave oblique answers to direct questions”; “oblique political maneuvers”
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webw
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“slanting or inclined in direction or course or position–neither parallel nor perpendicular nor right-angled”
All our experiences, even those that we participate in before we are born, even all those that happen to us before we can hold our head up, roll over or sit by ourselves, dig their way into our growing bodies and form us. If they were formed by experiences that were hazardous to our well-being, these never-to-be-consciously accessed memories can lie there in wait like predators that later steal our lives away from us without us even knowing it.
They ‘slant’ our lives and incline us ‘in direction or course or position’ so that we end up out of kilter and off on a life direction that can often be far different from the one that COULD have been ours if those very early experiences (certainly up to age 2) had been harmonious and balanced. There are consequences if we survived, and our entire life course ends up ‘neither parallel nor perpendicular nor right-angled’.
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Does that make us, the survivors of severe abuse as infants and young children the ‘oblique people?’ When I pay attention, more so now than ever before in my life I would have to say, “Yes, that is very probably so.” I say this at 57 because the trajectory I was sent out upon from the time of my birth has now landed me at this age in a place that I would never have been any more able to anticipate than I was able to anticipate the word ‘oblique’ appearing on this page.
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An image has appeared in my mind, of myself being hungry for a fresh peach. In this image I know they are in season, but I have no peach tree. No one in my town has a peach tree either, so if I want a peach badly enough I will have to go to the market to buy one.
How do I know where the market is if I’ve never been there? Do I simply head off in any old random direction, suggesting to myself that if I travel far enough I will eventually find the market and buy my peach? Probably not. I will probably find someone who knows and ask them for directions. They would probably guide me to a well used road and suggest that I follow it to my ultimate destination — in this case, the peach store.
Troubled brains grow in troubled infancies. My analogy might be trivial but my point is far from trite. If chaos reigned in our early lives while our brains were finishing their human growth and development stages, our adult brains are not likely to be able to effectively participate in reasoned life planning. “What goes in comes out.” We end up being the ones that would have a hard time finding a peach store even if we lived in one.
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We can easily see here how troubled families create troubled offspring ad infinitum, and on down the generations the troubledness goes. I will introduce the information here that our higher thought processes are centered in our cortex which is not completely developed until the age to 25 – 30. Brain development continues through our life span, but no matter what, it is the development of the brain during those first 2 years that ALWAYS matter the most, followed in importance by the mental maturation that builds upon this early development through the age of 6 or 7.
By the age of 7 we have ‘decided’ how we fit into the world around us, and our resulting Theory of Mind that we have created will both lead us and follow us for the rest of our lives. All sorts of changes in the brain happen if those first few years are toxic and harmful. Our brains adjust to this life in a malevolent world, and all our higher level thinking processes will be affected as will our ‘under cover’ operations that unconsciously control our ability to bond to other people, affect what motivates us toward reward, what we avoid, what we are afraid of, what confuses and confounds us.
These altered brains formed through early abuse, I believe, are not designed to participate in a long term future. Our bodies knew if the world was already this terribly bad from the start, it was not likely to change and we cannot truly hope — on a biological or physiological basis — for things to get better. There is no time for wishful thinking in a malevolent world. Survival is not the name of the game, it is the ONLY game in town.
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In some ways this programmed troubled pathway to survival in a terrible world is incredibly efficient. All possible short cuts are designed within the body and the brain to insure that in every future situation the fastest response based on survival learning will be the one chosen by the survivor. On the other hand, because most of us do not move into an adulthood that could ever match the horrors we went through as we developed our brains in the first place, we simply DO NOT MATCH. We are a very bad fit with the rest of the world ‘out there’. (And then we wonder why ALL our relationships are troubled, even the one we try to have with our self?)
This ‘out there’ world did not exist for us as we were harmed, abused, neglected, maltreated in the first place, so we could not build bodies designed to live in this better ‘out there’ world. We were not loved and we were not protected. We have no innate idea what safety and security mean — and for some of us, we never will — because our brains and bodies will not let us.
Although our altered brains and bodies (along with their implicit memories) allowed us to survive our horrors, they do not participate well in a benevolent world. And herein lies a whole new, MAJOR set of troubles.
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To follow my peach craving image, my brain is unable to find its way to the store, no matter how helpful others might be in giving their directions, and no matter how hungry I am for a peach. What if someone offered to put me in their car so they drive me to the store? OK. Maybe that might work — or probably, that is the ONLY alternative that would work. But as adults we are mostly on our own. Nobody is going to drive us through life in their car.
People who had adequate experiences with early caregivers during their brain formation stages do not understand how or why the rest of us, who did not have these benevolent experiences, get so lost in our lives. We don’t understand it, either. We often end up feeling as if there is something terribly wrong with us.
No, on the most practical level, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with us. Just something very, very different.
How could we NOT be different, considering how we started out in this life? The miracle to me is that our human genetic material and all the operations that tell our genes what to do have such a vast array of possible choices that can be made so that a human can continue to survive in a world that does little except threaten immediate extinction — to the body and to the ‘soul’ of the suffering one.
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Everything about how our brain develops takes place flexibly in a situational context. We are influenced by what goes on both on our insides and outside of ourselves. This is the same adjustable, flexible, adaptive process that led our species down four and a half million years of evolution. There is nowhere on the timeline that it stops. I am a result of this process. You are a result of this process. And, again, “What goes in comes out.” We can’t have it any other way. This is the process of survival as a species and as individuals.
Eventually I hope to finish the work of translating into the simplest terms possible some of the information available to us from development neuroscience that shows what I would easily say is 20 different changes a body-brain will make as a result of developing in an environment of severe deprivation and trauma. The one I want to mention now is in relationship to future planning abilities, and only enough to say that the early traumatized brain is not physiologically designed for one of our species’ highest aims — to be able to access what is called ‘future memory.’ (Yes, we have a ‘memory dis-ability.)
The brain and body are designed, through development under certain conditions (malevolent or benevolent), to continually process information through both feed forward and feed backward loops. As we prepared ourselves — biologically — through terrible childhoods to survive in a world in the future, our brains made adaptations that benevolent brains NEVER have to make. Nor can they later make the same kinds of adjustments that our brains and bodies had to make from our start.
We were assured of being at the cutting edge if the world we moved into as adults matched the terror and trauma of the worlds that formed us. We are designed and built to be survival machines. Our cortex forms differently (along with all kinds of other changes), and if abuse is bad enough, actually atrophies long before the usual and optimal timeline for completion of development for the cortex is reached.
As a result, one of the most important luxuries of the benevolently formed brain is stolen from us for the rest of our lives: We cannot participate in the feed forward loop that leads to future memory — future thought and planning. Our brains do not believe the future exists, and if it does, well…… nobody would want to live in the kind of future our brains know from past experience.
Human brains are the most complex forms in our universe, but they are not magical. Even though research shows that our brains are actually formed — under optimal conditions — to process infinity, if our brains were told through early experiences that the world was certain to cause our destruction at any moment, they adjust themselves as efficiently as possible in preparation for this event. All possible roads to survival needed to be maximized and available. There is no future in a doomsday world. Our infanthoods and early childhoods without hope insured that we knew this then and that we would know it for the rest of our lives.
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Early abuse survivors cannot take the obvious road to a better future. That road was never built into our brains at our beginning. While human brains seem to have the ability to process infinity, we have to understand that HOW they do this is different for people who suffered extreme hardship, trauma and deprivation while their brains were forming.
We cannot afford to ignore this fact. We have to begin to understand on a profound level how different a malevolently formed brain is from a benevolently formed brain. While a peach and an orange are both fruits, they differ from one another in substantial ways, just as the brains I am attempting to describe do.
I think we live in a culture that is so used to thinking in terms of mass production. We believe it is somehow wrong to focus on how people are different rather focusing on how we are the same. We find ourselves in a both/and culture that contains a paradox. We value individuality while insisting that everyone has the same opportunities and is equal. Where in our thinking do we have room for consequences and cause and effect?
Just because an abused infant survives to its toddlerhood, and then makes it to its teen years and beyond, does not mean that it has within itself a whole person that somehow miraculously survived to be the same person it would have become if the abuse had never happened. I am not talking about HEALING here. I am talking about very real changes that happened during the development of that person physiologically — on the genetic level, the level of the brain, nervous system and immune system. That means that we do not even end up in the same body when we are adults as a result of having survived extreme early abuse that we would have had if our circumstances had been good ones.
This means that we live in different bodies and we live in a different world — because our perception and the way we process information is different. We were built differently almost as if we came from a different planet. For those of you — and I don’t say this with humor — that have felt yourself to be an alien on this planet — I say take a long honest look at the conditions surrounding your early development. If they were harsh, you are an alien. Being a survivor makes us a different KIND of person in a different kind of body with a different kind of brain.
We are the ones that will never easily find our way down the wide common road to any peach market. Ours is a relentless struggle, often complicated by benevolent-world ideas about how we SHOULD be better at getting along in life. It is time for those of us who KNOW a different world to begin speaking our truth.
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A very clear expose of these kinds of scenarios I am describing is presented by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz in their book,
I highly recommend this book as a thought expanding opportunity to discover what Dr. Perry knows about this topic of alterations in development for maltreated children.
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Thank you very much for reading this post — your comments are welcome and appreciated. Linda