+CRITICAL PARTS MISSING (being lost in infancy and childhood)


Saturday, March 19, 2016.  What follows is a series of simple thoughts scribbled on the pages of a yellow pad of paper at the beginning of this day.  (Words in parenthesis are the afterthoughts.)


Inner assurance that we belong

And are a part of something bigger

Than we are

A kind of “joining with”

And “joining up”

And “joined to”

(That we exist as wonderful entities at all)


Someone notices

Someone to notice what we

Like and enjoy and are good at


Noticing what we are trying

To learn and do and figure out


To affirm and guide and encourage

Give us tips and oh-so-gentle and loving age-appropriate little lessons and instructions on how to do what attracts us –

When we are little

Our tender little hearts and minds

Our thoughts.  Our tiny fingers.


These tiny little links from the outside of us, alongside us, right with us, linked to

Each precious individual self

We are NOT just little bodies

We need help to grow our self – for our selfhood to be born


This precious process takes TIME.  Children’s time does not run along with the giant gears of adults’ time

Little ones are “there within” in those moments when a fresh new tip of grass pops out of thawing soil

When and where a new spring leaf POPS out of its tiny wrapped sheaf of potential green

At the first-ever glimpse of the tiniest burst of a flower bringing forth its OWN color


Owning of objects can NEVER compare with owning one’s unique inner self

What do I like?  What attracts me?  What tickles my interest, curiosity, desire to learn, to do, to practice?  (And ultimately to GIVE?) (key words:  experiment and explore; the magic and creativity of life; feeling safe in a universe of infinite positive potential both within and without; confidence, competence, increasingly happy autonomy)

Who is in my world to notice?  Who can I call to my side to praise me, to acknowledge my trying?  To praise my tiny efforts?  And in these ways to encourage me to grow Grow GROW?

(Who is there in my world to take authentic interest in my existence?)

(And who protects my sacred space within which I am blossoming forth from any intrusions that harm me?)


Nobody needs to NOTICE a leaf being born for it to open.  Tiny new tips of pines simply sprout from within the main body of a tree and there they are!  In existence where before there was empty space.

But for a new human being?  Ah!  No!


We need more than cycles of light and darkness.  More than light, water and physical nutrition to bud, blossom, bloom and grow.

We DO need others to watch us.  To share directly the focus of the time of their life with us during the time of our life as we are newly just being born with every one of our heartbeats.  With every breath we take.  With every blink of our little eyelids.


Will we be, in direct correspondence to the deprivations caused by the lack of caring others’ attention, be lost to ourselves?

And there is no greater loss in the universe than this one.


How do we foster being kindly awake and aware of ourselves and then to others in this world when there was nobody there paying necessary attention to our growth processes every step of the way especially during those stages of our life from conception to age 5?


(And certainly when those to whom our care was entrusted were not there to help us but instead greatly harmed us along every step of the way through our childhood, especially during the earliest months and years of our life?)

(And certainly, I would note, in today’s world with too-busy parents and so many tiny lost people being herded in groups through their 10-11 hour days in daycare?)


Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.


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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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