Tuesday, January 14, 2014. I struggle even with the inclusion of “I” in the title of this post. I struggle with being able to identify and own the fact that I might NEED anything. If one has no needs — as I deeply learned as a traumatized infant and child — life is safer! After all, what else could I control in the dangerous madhouse of a home I was raised in other than the internal status of myself?
Of course when severe trauma begins at birth most of the “control” over a self being harmed happens through physiololgical changes in development so that these adaptations can help a little one survive. In the beginning the choices for survival are entirely automatic — and unfortunately because these trauma changes build themselves into the developing body-brain of a developing child — they STAY there operating outside the range of consciousness for much of our lifetime.
Something as basic as needing ANYTHING can become a threat-to-life for a little person under the burden of early relationship trauma. Who is there to depend upon to have any need met? At least for me my family did have its most essential needs met — although even that was pretty iffy on many occasions.
Self needs? Not a chance. This was true for all of us in the family with our psychotic Borderline Pesonality Disorder mother ruling her roost.
Our body is essentially programmed to know one thing: “I need to live.”
Everything and anything a body can do to make sure its life continues is what it is going to do in any way that it can.
When trauma begins very early in life, and that includes life as it happens in the womb, the rapidly developing body will make all possible adjustments to adapt to THOSE traumas as they are being perceived by the body. Because we only go through our early essential body developmental stages ONCE, the changes made in adaptation to trauma remain for our lifetime.
It is THOSE trauma changes that are the cause of so MANY of the difficulties we face as adults.
Nobody tells us this….
When it comes to the possibility that “I need a new blog” I want to pull I out of the sentence so that I cannot be a target for anything. Threat? Why am I reacting to threat? Where is the threat of harm?
My trauma changed body is ALWAYS asking that question in some way on some level.
The issue appeared last night as my daughter emailed me about the “social media presence” platform that “needs” to be in place before we publish our first book, Story Without Words.
Just to give you an idea of what so intimidated and frightened me about this process here is a snippet from her email as editor and co-author of this book:
I need you to look into a couple of things for this publishing process of ours.
I think we need to establish a facebook page and twitter page for Stop the Storm and a LinkedIn page for you. These will be channels through which we can promote SWW and our kickstarter project
[click here: http://www.kickstarter.com/discover?ref=nav
]. Twitter especially can be very powerful in its ability to reach wider audiences through hashtags (e.g., #childabuse #Alaska), directing tweets at others (e.g., @PCA_NY — https://twitter.com/PCA_NY) and through re-tweeting the tweets of entities that you want to connect with. Tweets often reference URLs using “tiny” URLs, or shortened URLs – this seems to be a common, and free, place to make the shortened URLs: https://bitly.com/
Just pick one and start digging in. I can help set stuff up, or answer questions, or whatever is needed. But any time you can spend in starting to get these set up will help us tremendously!!
Being the technophobe that I am NONE of the above hit my circuits without scaring me on so many levels and in so many ways it would take me days of focused effort to find them, sort them out, understand them and make conscious choices about how to proceed.
All I could detect as a short-cut was/is “there’s a need” and therefore “there’s a threat!”
Not an entirely helpful – or appropriate? response!
All I can figure out right now is that I NEED this Stop the Storm blog!! For all of the massive changes that I – yes – chose to make in my life right now, this blog is a one strong source of connection to my essential self that I NEED to remain constant.
I had a very strong, unmistakable reaction as I read my daughter’s words: The NEED to protect!! Protect what? Yes, the stability this blog gives me, the outlet it gives me for expression, for a container for the continuity of my experience.
From there I realize I NEED the readers of this blog. Even though many of you are silent readers, many are readers that breeze through and may never return, many of you are subscribers and essential-self supporters of what is being done on this blog.
On some level I want to protect the readers of this blog by protecting the integrity of this blog as it sustains me — and perhaps helps sustain you. I write humbly and as honestly as I can within these pages. I TRUST that up until this point everyone who comes here has searched with their essential self in some way that has led them here.
I do not want to make this blog into any kind of commercial venture or venue. Why that feels to me to be an antithesis of what this blog is about is not within my current conscious awareness. I don’t need to to be. I do NEED to trust that my gut is telling me something important.
I thank every single reader of this blog for being here. I thank you for being YOU and for finding your way to “the healing road.”
I do not welcome many changes. Certainly changing this blog in any way is NOT going to happen by my choice or volition.
So what options remain to accomplish the goals my daughter is talking about concerning our upcoming publishing and promotion ventures?
My choice is to opt for an entirely new paid subscription blog. This is an intimidating proposition for me! My computer is so slow and old I cannot even GET to facebook! I know nothing about inserting HTML code which is part of how the subscription blogs work. How can this happen? I already feel quite tired, quite overwhelmed….
What might I title such a blog?
All this is to be determined — in the future — which is on its way!