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It is time for me to remind myself of something I wish I had known a long, long, long, long time ago: Except in the very best of circumstances in my life I AM ALWAYS HURTING!!
Especially as the winter sets in (even though I live way south now), as the temperatures drop, as the light fades a little more each day, and as the holiday season approaches — I MUST remember this fact.
I have written many times in the past upon this blog about the neurochemical often referred to as Substance P that communicates physical AND emotional pain signals to the brain.
IT IS CRITICAL TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE BRAIN HAS NO WAY TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN ON THE BOTTOM LEVEL! Pain HURTS!! Physical pain hurts. Emotional pain hurts!
What matters most to me is the knowledge that when I feel chronic emotional pain IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I do not believe I was born ‘this way’. Chronic severe infant-child abuse did this to me.
There are situations and circumstances that alleviate my pain for periods of time. These periods of reprieve are always temporary because the pain is chronic. Today I remember this feeling has always been with me for as long as I can remember. When I feel ‘down’ I need to separate the pain from MYSELF. I am NOT my pain.
Some days are just harder than others. Today knowing where this pain comes from so that I don’t have to ‘blame’ myself or what’s happening to me in my present life for the bulk of this sadness helps me to put the pain into perspective. I remember to be wise, kind, gentle, positive, hopeful, patient and compassionate with myself — and realistic about what I expect of myself.
Infant-child abuse hurts — for a lifetime.
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Some related posts:
+A WORD ON TRAUMA TRIGGERS AND FALLING APART
+INFANT-CHILD ABUSE, SUBSTANCE P AND A LIFETIME OF SADNESS
+SUBSTANCE P – IT’S OUR BODY’S BIOLOGICAL LINK TO FEELING EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL PAIN
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Also Helpful – CLICK HERE
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Stop the Storm 
beautiful.
It will probably always be a mystery how people like me who were given nothing are still able to care about and care for others!
yes…because my brother…a perfect example of someone who is NOT able to. You are a miracle. You suffer but somehow have the ability to feel tremendous empathy for the helpless…people,animals…you feel, really feel and can also make that known.you are able to let others know that u feel for their suffering.This is what is missing in most personality disorders. No empathy. We know that.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
I am going to visit with an old friend today who is visiting form out of town. She is easy to be with. I love those kinds of friends.
xo
I know you will have a WONDERFUL DAY!!! ENJOY!! xoxox
Good read for me today. I was having that…..kind of day. And I can feel its just the beginning. Its Mid November (and gets dark real early) and I just feel …. well,
.I was invited earlier in the day to go out for dinner with a group of really nice women to a new cambodian restaurant . Intially I said yes…but as the day progressed I just did not feel like being with anyone. I just wanted to be alone. So I didn’t go.
And then I complain sometimes that I am lonely! Go figure!
Well, I feel for you dear Linda… I am thinking about you from where I am.
xoxox
Monica
Hi dear — I haven’t been anywhere ‘cept for walks to the post office for a week. Gas costs $$ and need it for heating bills now. I am better when I go out, at least into town for coffee — but it’s important for me not to lose touch with the chronic underlying feelings that I can so easily get all mixed up with what is happening today — when those things aren’t REALLY the cause at all.
The holidays are hard on lots of people. I do have a friend here who holds a community dinner at her house on T-Day. I go help, and am comfortable there though NOT with the guests! But as a ‘helper’ I can glide around in the shadows, show up to clear a plate here and there, fetch folks water, you know what I mean!!
And, on the lonely part — those of us raised especially with Borderline mothers, or a mother who was completely incapable of providing nurturing love to us so that we have these insecure attachment disorders — do feel lonely I think on a deep level ALL OF THE TIME — with those brief reprieves.
This is, I know, part of my ‘mission’ in doing this work to help people understand that the lifelong consequences of abuse and trauma during infancy and childhood are VERY REAL and last a lifetime!
sending love!! me
I will share this, too. My daughter attended a conference on the east coast all week, Daddy and 20-month-old grandson (I’ll call him Jason) stayed home. First night, Daddy and Jason lay on the bed for the night. Daddy conked out first, woke up and Jason had taken his own little blanket and carefully covered Daddy up with it. Jason also tucked his favorite stuffed toy into the crook of his Daddy’s arm. Like I told my daughter, Jason is already able to share with others the total love that’s been given to him — caregiving behaviors already in such a little new person — can’t get any better than that!!!