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I have rather accidentally discovered today what is evidently one of my most powerful values.  I have known since the day in 1988 when I wrote my letter disowning my abusive mother that I would no longer be willing to tolerate what I called ‘a phony relationship’ with her.  Today all these years later I have discovered that I will not do it with anyone — no matter whom, no matter what.

Two other words besides ‘phony’ would be superficial and pretend.  That’s just me.  Phony, superficial and pretend might work for a nonrelationship with very casual acquaintances.  That to me is appropriate.  But I have no tolerance for phony, superficial or pretend when it comes to people who truly matter to me.  Those are the people, both family and my friends who I also expect to matter to, also.

So the powerful value I hold that became super clear to me today, after some happenings these past few days that led up to this point for me, is that any time someone I care about is in need, I will do everything in my capacity to assist them.  Equally, I will downgrade any relationship in my life from the rank of important to one of ‘casual acquaintance’ if I discover that when I truly need them, they either assist me with resentment (especially when years later the fact that I was vulnerable and that the so-called help that was given is thrown back in my face along with the resentment), the help was given with judgment-criticism-condemnation, or not given at all.

There will always be times where circumstances limit or prevent what assistance can realistically be offered.  But I always need a two-way street of open, caring, and honest communication during times of greatest hardship.

(I will not stand by and be treated meanly, disrespected, or bullied!  I have to remember that if active alcoholism is present, resentments will be rampant.  They are part and parcel of the disease.  That doesn’t mean I am going to tolerate any part of it, no matter how much love I have for anyone.)

There are just times when people need one another.  That’s a fact of life.  When someone we care about lets us down, well that’s another matter.  What I do know — and found out so clearly about myself today —  is that this is one value I cannot and will not compromise on.  Once I become clear that a person close to me does not share this value with me equally, I have to seriously question and perhaps reappraise the entire relationship — or end it.

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