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Here is the link to the next volume that is now ready:
*HOPE FOR A MOUNTAIN: MILDRED’S ALASKAN HOMESTEADING TALE – VOLUME TWO – LIVING FOR THE LAND
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Month: July 2010
+WORD WARRIOR NEWS: VOLUME ONE LETTER DUPLICATION HAS BEEN CORRECTED
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If any readers noticed the duplication of about twenty letters in the first volume, the error has been corrected. My sister pointed out ‘the problem’ to me, and I greatly thank her!
Also, my daughter interviewed JV today. She emailed me the notes she made, but I am going to wait to read them until my daughter — and YAY! My 3 month old grandson!!! — are here for their few days’ visit next Thursday!
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*HOPE FOR A MOUNTAIN: MILDRED’S ALASKAN HOMESTEADING TALE – VOLUME ONE – BEGINNING A DREAM
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+MY SISTER FOUND THIS – – –
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Fascinating – my sister found this online about my mother’s brother – and what he has done with his fortune:
(P.S. Charles disowned his sister and her family a long, long, long, long time ago.)
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+THE IN-TENSE JOB OF EDITING-PROOFING MY ABUSIVE MOTHER’S LETTERS
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Oh my, I have to say, what an intense process this is — doing what is nearing the final edit-proofs of my mother’s writings! I have worked for ten hours today on the second volume and have only made it through 130 of the over 300 pages it contains!
I know this about myself, that I have an almost ‘strange’ ability to focus on work I am doing at times. I suspect strongly that this ability is tied to my dissociation (as odd as that might seem). The level of focus it is taking me to work my way through this edit-proofing process is astounding even me! I am ‘up for air’ right now. Or rather, I am nearly off to sleep at this hour (1:00 in the morning my time now).
I believe this effort will literally ‘pay off’ — and hopefully soon. I received my first compliment from my sister today, who followed the link to Volume One I sent her today, and reported that she couldn’t leave ‘the story’ until she finished it. It took her four hours — and she is an extremely fast reader.
Part of what is tricky about this process I am engaged in — said if I leave completely out of the picture WHO my mother was and WHAT she did to me — is that my mother wrote in a literary format that is becoming obsolete in today’s world. My mother ‘speaks’ over and over and over again in the body of this text of her words that she ‘wants to write’ — while at the same time being completely engrossed in her act of writing!
Yet I sense that her form of letter writing lies as some sort of ‘mongrel cross’ between the actual ‘literary tradition’ and the ‘oral nonliteray tradition’. Yet because her writing is being carefully crafted to fit a published book format — at the same time that I am attempting to preserve THE literary voice she uses to transmit information (most often to her mother) — I have to pay close attention not ONLY to the words she writes, but also to the pauses, the spaces, her nearly flamboyant and chronic use of dashes, her omission of punctuation — so that in the end readers will be able to follow the story Mildred is telling without falling through the ‘gaps’ that are as much a part of her writing style as are the words themselves.
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This process I am engaged in is, to put it mildly, quite BIZARRE! I am polishing, if not honing my mother’s ability to present a complete facade of herself as being a ‘one kind of woman’ at the exclusion of the ‘other kind of woman’ that my mother was essentially extremely capable of being. Right now I cannot think about ‘any of that’ because this job I am currently doing would be an impossible task for me to complete.
Maybe I have to ‘go to’ some dissociated and disconnected ‘place’ while I do this job that has more in common with the ‘dissociated and disconnected place’ my mother was able to ‘go to’ while she WROTE these words! That could be an eerie and unsettling awareness if I let it breach my quasi-professional ‘role’ I have myself in right now.
Partly what concerns me, and I mean this as in ‘involves me’, is that a STORY (according to some very professional International Storytellers I was honored to converse with once upon a time) exists in its OWN RIGHT separate from its teller.
I have written about this before on my blog, how I see the history of our species’ story contained in our DNA itself, how I see genetic memory as being the living of a living story that is so ancient, and so much larger than any single separate entity that calls herself-himself human.
I am — most essentially — pursuing a course of action that I have chosen. I am being the Fair Witness to this STORY that my mother is telling. It is HER VERSION of this STORY that is in her words. Yet Mildred’s husband and all of her children, along with fellow homesteaders, acquaintances (Mildred could not form friendships), and random strangers all had some part in this story.
Storytellers in the oral nonliterate tradition will speak about the requisite involvement of ‘audience’ with ‘story’. Both the living audience and the living story combine to FORM a living work of art — in time — in space. I am actively involved with the telling of this story so that it can become a story an audience can participate with.
Horror of Horrors, how can this be? I certainly know my mother was vilely violent, a child abusing maniac, a dangerous, MEAN and awful mother. I certainly also know she is not presenting THIS part of herself in this story! No real surprise there to me any longer — though it greatly amazed and puzzled me for a long time during ‘my process’ with Mildred’s written words.
But because I have chosen my Fair Witness role, and because I have chosen to create the narrative chronicle of the shards and fragments of my mother’s writings as her completely disorganized papers came to me originally after her death, and because I am choosing not to analyze or interpret ANYTHING she says (there will be probably close to 800,000 words here in these four volumes – my guess), all I need to do is FOCUS and DO THIS WORK.
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The image that just came to me as I wrote these last words was of taking a piece of paper and some crayon or pencil — something — and finding a pattern, laying the paper on top of it, and rubbing, rubbing, rubbing — until the image becomes clear on the paper. No, the evil genie is not going to appear through this rubbing process. Just an image. Just a story. Just a version of a story, seen through my mother’s particular keyhole. It is her perspective, and my job I have assigned myself is to rub this story, polish it, bring it forth as crystal-clearly as possible — so that THIS story, this strangely-NOT-the-mother-I-knew-wrote-this-story – story — will appear.
The next image that comes to me is of a clean room, like the ones they use at Intel, where nobody can go in THOSE rooms. If they do, they wear suits, or they work with strange gizmos in their hands through glass. Because I know that my mother’s story IS CONTAMINATED. It has to be deadly toxic – somewhere — because she was.
But I leave all that alone right now. I work with her words as if I never met this person before in my entire lifetime. And on some strange, twisted, yet very real level, I probably never did meet THIS woman, who wrote THESE words in this story I plan to just plain publish!
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*HOPE FOR A MOUNTAIN: MILDRED’S ALASKAN HOMESTEADING TALE – VOLUME ONE – BEGINNING A DREAM
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+OK – TRYING THIS NEW BLOG ‘THING’ AGAIN!
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I really do not enjoy the learning curve required for me to accomplish anything that has to do with this new digital world! I canceled the first blog I just made for my mother’s book(s) and made another one!
HOMEPAGE LINK: http://hopeforamountain.wordpress.com/
LINK for the first volume of my mother’s complete letters:
*HOPE FOR A MOUNTAIN: MILDRED’S ALASKAN HOMESTEADING TALE – VOLUME ONE – BEGINNING A DREAM
at
NOW to see if any of these links actually publish over on THIS blog LIVE! They sure didn’t with the last blog I just trashed! If I have to change this new blog to the same theme format as this one is so that I can publish links over here from that one (GEEZE!) — well, I will do that!
I am NOT having fun yet! Oh, and this Volume One contains over 172,000 words, so it is a BIG page and may load slowly!
Well, time to test fly this baby!!
OOPS! I see the links are not live — WHY????? I have to figure this out!
Believe me, an email is off to WordPress tech support at this very instant!
In the meantime, I will try this — I had to go through multiple (and irritating!) steps to get the links from the new blog to ‘get live’ over here! On the other blogs I simply copy and paste and VOILA! They are INSTANTLY live over here when I publish them! GRR-R-R-R!
http://hopeforamountain.wordpress.com/
*HOPE FOR A MOUNTAIN: MILDRED’S ALASKAN HOMESTEADING TALE – VOLUME ONE – BEGINNING A DREAM
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+MADE A NEW BLOG FOR MY MOTHER’S WRITINGS
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SCRAP THIS! I AM GOING TO START THE NEW BLOG OVER AGAIN!
I am slogging my way through the creation of a new blog dedicated to the publication of my mother’s writings. All is NOT going completely right. This is what I have so far, though I cannot figure out how to change the actual HOME address of the blog:
HOME is reading: http://alchemynow.wordpress.com/
The first volume of my mother’s writings is HERE – be prepared for a slow page load as this is a big file:
http://alchemynow.wordpress.com/volume-one-beginning-a-dream/
I also cannot get the ‘add a page’ toolbar to show its lower half so that I can insert WORD text! All this ‘work’ is making my computer sound like it is VERY unhappy! Oh, well — I will continue to slog along for as long as I can — headed generally in the direction I wish to go!
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+WORD WARRIOR NEWS: WORKING NOTES
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Today’s working notes:
I’m in the thick of the June 1957 letters
Throwing out a thought here – this all feels like quicksand
My own version of ‘getting clear’ – as it will come through working with ‘this story’ – I think (and I can’t say KNOW yet which is the problem) — that I am fundamentally looking not so much at Borderline but at her insecure attachment disorder
her’s being ‘disorganized-disoriented’ insecure attachment – and if I am right once I get to the point where I can fillet her story and find the PATTERNS — meant that the Borderline was ‘just’ a particular constellation of patterns around which she (unconsciously) organized and oriented herself
I am looking for the BIGGER PICTURE – by hoping to find the exact patterns
I need this before I can do the 360° book or anything else
If most of people’s real problems are directly ’caused’ by insecure attachment, then that is the STARTING POINT for everything I have to say —
All the ‘research’ will then fall into place because it all describes changes that happen within a human’s developing physiology — and now I see that it is not ‘just’ the brain, but entire nervous system, etc — as development goes ‘off course’ in a malevolent, unsafe and insecure early attachment environment
by degrees
Mother’s actually ended up being about as far away from ‘good’ as possible, like 300° off course — then everything else about her life was about this disorganization and disorientation
but I want to be able to PROVE my point by being able to point to the patterns in her story — her abuse of me was simply a ‘side-line’
I also want to be able to draw parallels – though the degrees of change might be different — between mother’s attachment disorder and other severely abusive parent’s actions based on their own D-D insecure attachment
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+WORD WARRIOR NEWS: THE MIRACLE OF AN INTERVIEW IS COMING UP THIS SATURDAY
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It seems like such an amazing ‘gift’ that the most significant eye witness to 45 years of my mother’s life will be doing an interview with my very smart and savvy daughter this coming Saturday. It seems like such a gift because IT IS such a gift! My daughter will be the ‘fair witness’ to JV’s account.
JV knows things – lots of things. I spoke with her briefly yesterday to let her know that my daughter is willing to interview her — and to listen to all that JV has to say about my mother. JV seemed very relieved that she would not be trying to say what she wants to and needs to say to ME.
I also asked JV if she wants to read my mother’s letters, and she does — ALL OF THEM — including the letters written back and forth between my parents in the summer of 1957 while my father went to Alaska ahead of his family and mother and kids stayed in Los Angeles. I am hard at work on a ‘proof’ of those letters now. JV will do the interview, we will print of all the letters and send them to Alaska for her to read (and very hopefully to make notes on), and then probably have a second interview with her afterward.
I was dismayed to realize after my ‘edit-proof’ on letters from August 1, 1957 when Mildred arrived in Alaska until the following March 31, 1958 that those 8 months of letters fill over 150 pages! Lots more work to do here, so best get to it!!!
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+OUR RIGHT TO QUANTUM HEALING – ALLOWING THE MIRACLES TO HAPPEN
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I have heard it said that such a thing exists as QUANTUM HEALING. I am not going to bother searching around online for all kinds of information about this miracle. I believe it exists, and I believe we can all access it. I also believe I am smack in the middle of such a process now.
Perhaps because it is in my nature to force positive change when I think I need it within myself, and perhaps especially now at this point in my life where I literally feel I have an important job and mission to accomplish that can contribute something good and useful to understanding what severe infant-child abuse looks like – from within and from without – and perhaps because I also personally feel I am under a time pressure to outrun the cancer that has visited my body so that I can complete this job before I ‘move on’ from this world — I do not wish to ‘mamby-pamby’ my way through or around any obstacle that appears in my pathway.
I am blessed with the resources that I need at this point in my life that help me not to get sidetracked, bogged down or waylaid in my efforts. I just spoke to my ONLY real friend in town here about the work I am doing (she has known the entire process). She wisely suggested that I ask my daughter to do the telephone interview about my mother with JV, my mother’s long-term Alaskan friend. I am too emotionally involved, and too emotional.
As I spoke with my friend about the kinds of ‘things’ about my mother that JV has to tell, I suffered through wave after wave of ‘goosebump attacks’. I also dissolved into sorrowful tears. The recognition and experience of the deep, deep sorrow and sadness happens because I profoundly recognize what a terrible, terrible tragedy this story truly is that I am ‘in line’ for telling.
It is, however, my nearly unending sadness over the suffering of my mother that prevents me from wanting to complete this upcoming interview with my mother’s friend. It is the suffering of my mother that will interfere with my ability to allow JV to say what she needs to tell me. As my friend pointed out today, if I ever once ‘fell into’ the tears that I did today as I talked to her while I talked with JV next Saturday, she has no doubt that JV will not wish to continue to tell me the truths that she knows about my mother.
The wise solution presented this morning by my friend would allow my very compassionate, intelligent, invested but objective, extremely fast typing, sensitive daughter to complete this telephone interview with JV. I will ask my daughter this evening, find out her response, and then call JV and ask for her permission to do ‘things’ this brilliantly safe and effective way.
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So, given this presenting obstacle, the ‘rules’ of quantum healing dictate that a better alternative exists. It is my job to utilize my resources to find exactly where these obstacles are, and to find more resources to find my way around them.
I have also come to realize that when we consider the quality and nature of the darkness that can infiltrate a human beings body-brain-mind-self — an my mother was infiltrated by this darkness through trauma as a developing infant-child — it could be said that conditions DO exist in the world involving the potential for harm that seem beyond where any ‘rational’ human can pursue, follow, explore or ‘know’. The degree of infant-child abuse that my mother was perfectly capable of perpetrating falls within this sphere and realm.
After the dream I had a few days ago that clearly alerted me of the powers of spiritual assistance, protection, guidance and healing that do exist right along with the darkness, I am experiencing my journey of working with my mother’s story for publication differently.
There is a saying, “Going where angels fear to tread.” Only through the appearance of this dream I wrote about a few days ago did I gain a very real understanding (and again, I am not Catholic) that the archangel Michael, or St. Michael – San Miguel — exists, and that he is not afraid of ANYTHING on this earth. There is no darkness, no realm of horror or of human deprivation and suffering that can possibly prevent this angel from assisting people to understand and to heal from.
In addition, the ‘guardians of the gates’, or Cherubs – Cherubim that were also referenced in my dream are also allies for this good work of trying to understand the powerful, and yes dark, roots of trauma, abuse, neglect and malevolent treatment of infants and children that can lead to deeply disturbing changes in development that can create infant-child abusing people like my mother was.
In my own very human way this entire ‘job’ or ‘mission’ that I am pursuing is big, big, big, bigger than I am. The fact that I cry from the center of my soul for the pain and suffering MY MOTHER experienced in her lifetime would be mystifying to me if I did not understand that these pictures are so much bigger than any of us who experience them personally.
My mother did not, for instance, CHOOSE of her own free will to pick up a broom and bash my little girl head and body with it. Something else — call it ‘impulsivity’ or ’emotional dysregulation’ certainly contributed to her thousands of acts of violence. But the picture is SO MUCH BIGGER. It came down the generations — and for a reason. That this ‘reason’ is so difficult to detect within a story of lack of reason doesn’t mean that finding the reason is impossible — or that it isn’t critically important.
In my own process of moving forward I have to accept changes in my course as they present them. Now I see that I have to create a ‘homesteading process’ and a ‘historical homesteading story’ separately from the book that is the chronicle of my mothers disturbed — and very disturbing — madness.
I am preparing myself to recognize this fact, that I cannot create a ‘one volume’ that can accomplish what I hoped it could. At the same time, the expose of my mother’s potential for terrible child abuse is paramount. I have nothing for anyone to sue me for. I will change the names of every ‘character’ my mother writes about to protect the privacy of the innocent (even though, as my last post mentions, I have to walk past my own ‘bitterness’ to do this).
What LINDA wants is not what is important here if what I want is not a part of the bigger picture of the good that come out of my work with my mother’s words. Gaining clarity. That’s what I am after. And because St. Michael is there to fight the war of light against darkness, as a very real spiritual entity (and who am I to argue this fact?), nothing short of my own physical annihilation prior to my completing this task will stop me.
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In case there are readers who are unfamiliar with my ‘story’, here are some links to read (warning: may trigger):
*AGE 6 – FIRST GRADE — NIGHT ON THE STOOL
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+ANGER, RAGE, BITTERNESS, RESENTMENT — TELLING US RIGHT FROM WRONG
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I woke up this morning feeling very clear about something in my life around which the giant black-winged bird of bitterness circles, like a creature sure of its prey. This is good. It allows me to further explore some of the parameters of this ‘state of being’ named bitterness from the inside rather just from without.
Bitterness. A personal HOTSPOT! This reminds me of what I heard during the ten year period of my life from 1980 – 1990 when I attended weekly 12-step meetings: Resentments kill.
As I look around today at my inner deadly wound that could feed a great swell of bitterness (and of resentment) inside of me today I see that these two states of being must be intimately connected one to the other.
Somehow I had some profound inner certainties arise when I ‘went through treatment’ in 1980, but most of what my inner self knew was not confirmed within the confines of the 12-step meetings I attended. I was brand new to any form of recovery, and was the first person in the long line of my family and ancestry to do so. Yet when I encountered the 12-steps that demanded me to understand that I could be ‘restored to sanity’ — I knew fundamentally that I had no experience with ‘sanity’ in my life and had never, ever had the chance to explore its blessings.
‘Recovery’ people around me told me I was ‘resisting’ recovery as I questioned from the insides of myself what made sense about this ‘new way of life’ that was being presented to me and what did not. “You are rationalizing,” they told me. “You are intellectualizing,” they told me.
When I tried to do my first ‘4th step’ in treatment and tried to do it right, I tried to write about my ‘resentments’. Instantly, as soon as I set my recovery-minded pen to paper I encountered an insanely abusive experience of my 9th grade high school self — and my little ‘recovery ship’ blew itself right out of the water.
And there was nobody around me to help me understand the insanely abusive childhood I had lived for 18 years. There was nobody there — oddly and actually enough — to help me work with the TRUTH that was supposedly at the heart of these 12-step recovery programs.
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On my own, and from within my body, my mind, my self and within my heart of hearts I DID know something important that I used within my own healing. I knew that every single time I feel ANGER, and every single time I might bump up against or crash into something that could be named RESENTMENT, what I was-am truthfully encountering is the line as I KNOW it between right and wrong. Every time ‘anger’ or ‘resentment’ appears within me — and as I can see today, the risk for ‘bitterness’ as well, I know that something I HIGHLY VALUE has been touched upon so that I have another extremely important piece of information about who and how I am in the world.
I value RIGHT. I know the difference between right and WRONG. Whenever a WRONG has been committed somewhere, my inner alarm of anger, rage, resentment, and/or bitterness goes off. Instantly and loudly!
What I do with the information about right and wrong is up to me. Swirling around in the topsy-turvy inner world of anger, rage, resentment and bitterness helps no one RIGHT a WRONG that has been committed.
Ultimately this entire topic, to me, is about this one single thing: If we as individuals have a strong and powerfully clear inner sense of RIGHT versus WRONG — we can be at very high risk of suffering the consequences of ‘holding onto’ the emotional states encountering breaches of RIGHT versus WRONG will alert us to. If I cannot give myself permission to identify for my thinking-acting-choosing self something related to a WRONG that I identify, no hope for contributing something to make the world a better place – even if that ‘world’ is simply my own little tiny piece of it.
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Interestingly (to me) the shaky platform of possible resentment and bitterness for me today has to do with something very important to me: The work I am doing with my mother’s words so that I can publish a complete EXPOSE of the inner world of my mother that NOBODY ELSE seemed to detect outside of our family.
As I work with her words, and as I mentioned in recent posts, discover that words she wrote about her feelings and attitudes of other ADULTS in her life 50 years ago still have the power to unsettle, upset and possibly hurt those living people IF I publish my mother’s words as she wrote them.
I find that this MAKES ME MAD! These ‘public’ people who today would take a stand to protect their own self from the hurt of my mother’s 50-year-old words are the exact same people WHO NEVER SAW MY MOTHER’S TRUE — TERRIBLY ABUSIVE — OTHER SELF during those years that I especially (and also my siblings) most needed SOMEONE TO HELP US!!!
My intent on publishing this biography – or expose of a monster — is to a large extent to help everyone possible outside a severely abusive parent’s home begin to understand more and more about how much terror, trauma and suffering for infants and children can be going on BEHIND THE NICEY-NICE PUBLIC FACADE of someone as ‘charmingly persuasive’ as my mother was.
That I NOW, after 18 years of unbelievable torture and abuse have to WORRY about the FEELINGS of those same people who did NOT SEE WHAT MY MOTHER WAS CAPABLE OF, or did see, and felt they had no way to intervene on my or my siblings’ behalf, MAKES ME FEROCIOUSLY ANGRY!!
This is UNFAIR, UNJUST and just plain WRONG! Or is it? Not according to the law — the same system of law, I might add, who should have arrested my mother (and my father) and charged them with the crimes of assuault, battery, abuse, terror and torture and sentenced them — an imprisoned them both for no less than
14,500 years!
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What this situation is doing for me right now is bringing up right in front of my face what the choice-point feels like — in the present moment — between LEARNING something when a serious breach of RIGHT and WRONG – injustice, lack of fairness — appears, or letting it continue to perpetuate the old wounds so that bitterness and resentment can throw me off of my own good life track.
This brings me to mentioning something that belongs in this discussion at the same time that it is an extremely difficult point for severe infant-child abusers to identify and tackle: Irony, ambivalence and paradox.
These three states of mind were missing within the body-brain-mind-self of our abusers — especially if our abusers were Borderline Personality Disorder people!
This fact leaves us with the whole giant mess of WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!! Without having been given protection or reprieve — at the same time we did not get any version of a handle on how to HANDLE ironic, ambivalent and paradoxical conditions in our lives!!
What I am describing above about having to ‘protect’ the feelings, privacy and rights of grown up people who certainly DID NOT — for whatever reason — even begin to assure that I had those same qualities protected in my childhood — is ironical. It presents me with my own experience of ambivalence as I consider ‘both sides of the picture’. And you bet there is a profound, fundamental paradox present in this situation.
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But I CANNOT CHANGE THE REALITY! None of it. Whenever anger, resentment, bitterness appear, there is a sure chance that irony, ambivalence and paradox has appeared RIGHT within the conditions that stimulated our ‘fight’ stress response reaction. How do we find and create our own inner point of calm in the midst of this STORM?
In other words, how do we make our own self ‘RIGHT WITHIN’ while we live in the real world? Simply finding a way to ‘intellectually (left brain)’ understand reasonably what this whole mess I am experiencing right now is all about will NOT solve the emotional experience of it.
Those of us who have suffered from extreme abuse have an entire universe of body memory, body feeling, and right-brain emotional experience connected to these HOTSPOTS in life. We have to be aware of this — as I was 30 years ago when I entered so-called ‘recovery’ and could find no one to help me include my own inner wisdom and knowledge with the 12-step ‘plan’ for ‘recovery’.
“Follow your instincts,” would be my most simple and accurate advice. If you FEEL anger, range, bitterness, resentment — you are face-to-face with SOME kind of injustice that has been committed and still might exist. LOOK AT THE INJUSTICE that is at the heart of what stimulated your reaction. You have been ‘trauma triggered’. WHAT DO YOU TRULY KNOW ABOUT IT? WHAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED? Tend to the wound that needs healing within YOU (and within those you love and care about, as well).
But do not pretend that the injustice does not exist. If we HAVE these reactions I am talking about, I firmly and absolutely believe that they are physiologically triggered by our immune system’s response to harm and to threat of harm! This HAS to be a fact because all our emotions, especially our most intense, powerful, primitive survival-based emotions of FEAR AND ANGER (as well as SADNESS) are directly tied into our basic nervous system (body-brain) which is PROTECTED by our immune system response.
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Human life is complicated. No way around this fact.
What stimulated the immune-triggered developmental changes in my mother than made her grow into the ‘kind of person’ she was meant that the powerful inner bitterness of a terribly wounded, powerless but still FIGHTING little child removed from my mother the power of consciousness about what had happened to her, ‘what’ she became as a result of it, how bitter she was – AND HOW MEAN AND DANGEROUS SHE WAS.
Every single time my mother uses a single, solitary word ‘against’ another adult in her life 50 years ago is PROOF of the quality of MEAN my mother was. But these tiny words, no matter what they were, no matter how disparaging and offensive they might appear NOW for the people she was writing about — were NOTHING compared to what was going on within the ‘home’ she terrorized and controlled.
Yes, I DO profoundly wish to expose the kind of ‘monster’ my mother was. I want to DO SOMETHING to help others ‘out there in the world’ begin to wake up and pay attention when their own INNER WARNING system goes off inside of themselves that SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON!
How else are we truly going to make any progress whatsoever toward protecting suffering infants and children who are being tormented, tortured, traumatized and abused — by viciously cruel, mean and dangerous parents — FREELY and without consequence.?
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I am within conflict. I am willing to change the names of the people my mother wrote about. But I do not wish to alter the pattern of my mother’s mean words. They are what this story is about.
My personal feelings right now are mine to deal with. They let me know that I have great JUSTIFIABLE anger at the adults in my childhood that did not HELP me or my siblings. But as the 12-step programs DO SAY, holding onto the anger, bitterness and resentments do not make anything better. They can educate us about right and wrong, about choice, about opportunities for improving life all the way around. But left alone as simple physiological states tied to mental patterns that are destructive help no one.
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In case there are readers who are unfamiliar with my ‘story’, here are some links to read (warning: may trigger):
*AGE 6 – FIRST GRADE — NIGHT ON THE STOOL
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Stop the Storm 
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