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April 15, 1960 Friday 10:30 P.M.

Dearest Mother,

Oh, how my moods change here – awhile ago, well, hours ago not I was so happy!  I was out gathering wood and heard a tractor coming – my, such excitement – the  children all came out, (it’s been showery all day) and we ran to greet it.  It was our operator [‘cat skinner’ tractor operator].  He had come to inform me that he would help Bill bring my first load of household things up when bill got home from work.

He came in our very humble dwelling and I gave him a welcome hot cup of coffee.  It was 6:00 P.M. then and he figured he’d just make it back down the mountain in time to meet Bill.

I’ve had quite a time keeping these good, good children amused all day – we’d been making paper hats out of newspapers and playing ‘tit-tat-toe’ [sic] – so I asked him if John could go – He’s so nice, just like a jolly Santa Claus and readily agreed!  It had stopped raining and so he happily climbed in two-wheel trailer behind tractor and they took off down the mountain.

My, how our wood stove hungrily devours wood – but how warm it keeps the Jamesway – today, being rainy, I’ve kept it burning all day.  It takes alot of wood fetching and we all help.

7:00 P.M. I went out to get more wood.  It was sprinkling ever so lightly but the woods and grass smell ever so sweet and the wildflowers are blooming about – enormous blue flowers looking all the world like lilacs [they were lupine], blue bells etc.

I heard the tractor returning!  Oh, how pleased I was – I gathered ten armloads of wood – the house must be cozy and warm when they returned damp and cold.

I peeled my last potatoes, opened string beans and fixed hamburg –

The lamp must be lit – oh, how temperamental it’s been lately and how dull.  It doesn’t light up this big Jamesway the way it did the tiny trailer.  I cleaned the glass inside and out.  Bill tells me to ‘pump’ it up plenty and hold my finger over the hole.  Oh, bright welcome light – then gradually it dimmed and went out!  More fuel – I get the filter and go out and fill it up – pump, pump and on it goes.  (But gosh, I’m frightened of it and it seems to know it).

Up til now I’ve stubbornly and flatly refused to light our Coleman Camp Stove.  I’ve heard of them exploding and only will use it when Bill is home.  Consequently I have to haul ever so much more wood and it takes forever on the Yukon stove.  Today, I asked Bill to show me how and did cook the children’s breakfast on it and how quickly it heats dish water.

But tonight I couldn’t get it to work and just lost courage.

All the wood burned up – it started pouring outside and Oh Mom, the tractor had seemed so close and it stopped completely.

I got more wood – all wet – the potatoes and meat won’t cook.  I try the stove again, it won’t light and I’d cry if it would help but it wouldn’t.

So I fix the three patient girls a half peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some fruit punch and they go to bed in their sleeping bags on the floor because Bill was bringing the wash—in their clothes – and I wonder?

Oh Mom – they’re angels – as I put them to bed and tuck them in and hear their prayers – Cindy says “Mommy I added a special prayer tonight for our homestead.”  It’s their dream too – oh such darlings – we cannot fail them.  It’s theirs as much as ours.

Now it’s close to 11:00 P.M. – no Bill, no John – no tractor, no trailer – what happened?  Are they stuck in the damned mud – or was the trailer too loaded down and the road couldn’t hold up?

Then why not walk home?  Poor darling John was so thrilled to go – he gets so tired of being with three girls and me all the time and now this.

I gave him soup and crackers at 5:00 – all of them – but no dinner and cold and wet and mosquito bitten.

Oh Mom, Mom. Mom!!!

I’m sitting here close to lantern for light and swatting mosquitoes who smell the half-cooked food and are attracted by the warmth, the lantern light and me!  I must have killed two dozen since I started this!  (My spray is gone!)

You know me – I’ve never been patient and it’s all I’ve had to be since one year ago when we started all this!!  — and all I can do now is sit, wait and wonder and hear the purr of the lantern and the drip, drop of the rain! – and the wood is all gone too!

11:15 P.M. – Still not home.  I am worried!  Oh Mother remember when Bill used to be half an hour late sometimes on the L.A. Freeway and I’d call you because I feared an accident.

Oh Mom, who do I call now?  It’s still raining and pitch black outside – I went out awhile ago to listen – listen.  I’ve listened so much I can almost imagine the ‘putt putt’ sound.  A minute ago I was certain I heard it – but opened the tiny window and only heard the rushing river below.

If it wasn’t for leaving the three girls I’d start down the road looking for them.

I’m worried especially about John.  It just dawned on me that I don’t really know that man at all.  I never would have let him go but they were on their way to meet Bill.

Bill said he might stop to help Carr fix the road below his place where the creek flooded over but I figured he wouldn’t in the rain –

And I did hear a tractor, but that was at 7:00 and not it’s 11:20.

And Smokey she’s been gone all day.  She’s never once left us here alone before today.  She used to follow us down to the trailer when we all out together and wait there for us – or rather come bounding down the road to meet us at the sound of the jeep.

Why, I’ve been lost without her and worried over her.

She may have followed Bill but why today and why didn’t she return!

She never lets John out of her sight a minute and we all adore her and depend on her too.

Oh Mom, I’m scared!

Where are they all?

Here is Bill’s gun hanging on the wall but I don’t even know how to load it!

I’ve been sitting here praying.  I want us to be together.

I’ve been so alone lately – yet always I’ve kept the children together.

I miss John – where is he?  He’ll have pneumonia for sure and he’s so thin anyways.

Oh God, Oh God – help us!

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